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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh and the eggs!

75 replies

Fitterbyfifty · 10/04/2022 11:14

Ok, this has ( irrationally?) pissed me off mightily so I thought I would ask AIBU - do your worst!

Dh decided to make carbonara - he doesn't normally cook but it was my birthday so he offered. I said ok (I don't like carbonara but, chef's choice). I told him to check the date on the eggs as I think some of them were out of date but we were going to boil and paint them so they were still in the fridge. He said ok. Just before he started I said again, please check you're using the fresh eggs - the carbonara is made with raw eggs so I'm more careful with use by dates than normal. He said ok, stop fussing. This morning I discovered- you've guessed it - he used the eggs which were a week out of date. Apparently, he didn't think. Obviously we are all still alive but it has given me the rage. Why can he not do a simple task? Why say yes but then not do it?

As is so often the case, it's not really about the eggs it's that I can't trust him to tell the truth. He says he'll do something but he won't- be that check eggs or pay for a school trip. I have to double check everything or, as more often happens, do it myself. We started out as partners sharing tasks but over the years, I do more and more myself as I can't trust him to actually do it and have to check up on everything. It's exhausting. AIBU and how do I get him to step up??? I doubt he is like this at work so why does he need micromanaging at home?

OP posts:
Hausa · 10/04/2022 11:41

As is so often the case, it's not really about the eggs it's that I can't trust him to tell the truth. He says he'll do something but he won't- be that check eggs or pay for a school trip. I have to double check everything or, as more often happens, do it myself. We started out as partners sharing tasks but over the years, I do more and more myself as I can't trust him to actually do it and have to check up on everything. It's exhausting

Have you talked to him about this? The overarching trend, not the eggs (which aren’t really an issue, but that’s not the point). If so, what’s his response?

Hausa · 10/04/2022 11:42

@Fitterbyfifty

Re: carbonara. I wasn't being a martyr- I don't like it but I don't hate it iyswim. It was convenient!
Also, this grown man is somehow incapable of googling and then following a recipe for something that you actually like? Why?
Original poster
Fitterbyfifty · 10/04/2022 11:43

Yes, but it doesn't really improve things. I think it's quite a common problem!

OP posts:
namechange30455 · 10/04/2022 11:47

YABU to keep eggs in the fridge, and about the use by date.

I would be more pissed off he cooked a meal you didn't like for your birthday!

Hausa · 10/04/2022 11:48

@Fitterbyfifty

Yes, but it doesn't really improve things. I think it's quite a common problem!
Are you responding to me? If so, which question? I asked what his response was and why he was incapable of cooking something you liked. Which of those are you addressing?
Tlollj · 10/04/2022 11:48

I think we’re getting side tracked by eggs here.
He’s messing things things up because he knows you’ll bail him out.
So unattractive.

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 10/04/2022 11:49

Why do you keep your eggs in the fridge?

They last for weeks, months, in the packaging the hen provides. They don't need to be refrigerated. That's why supermarkets have them in the aisles, not in cooler units.

Hausa · 10/04/2022 11:50

@SamphirethePogoingStickerist

Why do you keep your eggs in the fridge?

They last for weeks, months, in the packaging the hen provides. They don't need to be refrigerated. That's why supermarkets have them in the aisles, not in cooler units.

Really getting to the crux of the issue, there.
thisplaceisweird · 10/04/2022 11:55

It's not really about the eggs at all, it's about you not being able to trust him to make sensible decisions or follow through on promises. I don't really know how to solve this OP, but I wouldn't be checking up on him all the time and fixing the issue. Let the consequences happen and on his head be it.

bellac11 · 10/04/2022 11:59

To be honest I do this with my OH if I can get away with it and hide the packaging, he is obsessed with use by dates and completely irrational with it. Things that are perfectly fine to eat he would throw away

Im sat here now with cottage cheese with a use by date of 15th March, its fine.

coodawoodashooda · 10/04/2022 12:00

@Vsirbdo

I’m stuck on that he cooked you something you don’t like on your birthday to be honest, did he know?
I think so too. Pig.
Nnique · 10/04/2022 12:04

Getting to the crux of it: Strategic incompetence and/or not really giving a fuck about petty things like wife-work. He knows you’ll sort it so he doesn’t need to. Or he thinks he’s too big and manly and important to bother. Or he prefers it when you carry all the mental load. And of course he’s putting you in an impossible position because although it’s easy enough to say don’t double-check, don’t do his share for him, let the consequences show him up, if you did that it would inevitably almost always impact the children negatively and unfairly.

It’s shitty behaviour and barring an understandable explanation such as ADHD I’d find it so deeply unattractive in a husband and particularly in a father that I really wouldn't be able to respect him. I completely understand your frustration and anger.

But that doesn’t actually help you...

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 10/04/2022 12:08

I was @Hausa. If the eggs didn't smell, and you can't miss a rotten egg, then they weren't 'off'. So OP is fussing about nothing.

The age of an egg only matters if you want to poach them, when a fresher egg has a tighter albumen that stays close around the yolk.

And keeping them in the fridge is a bugbear of mine. It's pointless.

Hausa · 10/04/2022 12:13

@SamphirethePogoingStickerist

I was *@Hausa*. If the eggs didn't smell, and you can't miss a rotten egg, then they weren't 'off'. So OP is fussing about nothing.

The age of an egg only matters if you want to poach them, when a fresher egg has a tighter albumen that stays close around the yolk.

And keeping them in the fridge is a bugbear of mine. It's pointless.

No, the issue is this.

As is so often the case, it's not really about the eggs it's that I can't trust him to tell the truth. He says he'll do something but he won't- be that check eggs or pay for a school trip. I have to double check everything or, as more often happens, do it myself. We started out as partners sharing tasks but over the years, I do more and more myself as I can't trust him to actually do it and have to check up on everything. It's exhausting

It’s literally in the OP. Your opinions on expiry dates and albumen quality are both irrelevant and unhelpful.

Suprima · 10/04/2022 12:14

God no wonder it’s got to this point

Won’t state your favourite meal for a birthday? ‘Chefs choice’? Martyr much?!

He sounds useless but just that snippet tells me that you have enabled him and expected bare minimum

Nomoreusernames1244 · 10/04/2022 12:14

Getting to the crux of it: Strategic incompetence and/or not really giving a fuck about petty things like wife-work

This example isn’t strategic incompetence though.
He was perfectly competent, made a carbonara with perfectly safe eggs, which everyone ate.

It’s only o/p’s opinion that he should have used the fresher eggs.

How many of us would be pissed off if their dh used the fresher eggs first, when the older ones needed eating? Surely it’s standard kitchen protocol to eat the older stuff before the fresh?

Nnique · 10/04/2022 12:19

True. I’ve already addressed the meal/eggs, though, and that comment was discussing the wider problem that OP has set out.

GiltEdges · 10/04/2022 12:19

it's more that he can say "yes ok" but not actually do what I asked. Has happened in lots of other scenarios. It makes me wary of believing him.

Looking from this the other way, you could be perpetuating your own problem. Your continued asking/checking has just become like white noise to him, so the “yes ok” response is meaningless, it’s just a way of getting you off his back. Stop checking up on him and let him feel the consequences of his actions like an adult. Oh and if you don’t like carbonara and it’s your birthday, tell him to make something else if he insists on cooking!

gogohm · 10/04/2022 12:22

I've never looked at an egg best before date ever Blush.

But why would he pick a dish you aren't keen on - couldn't help have googled a simple Jamie Oliver recipe or similar, his family meals are pretty easy to follow and aimed at the ordinary home cook rather than cheffy

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 10/04/2022 12:25

My point @Hausa was that if OP is making a fuss about eggs that have not gone off, her DH is simply choosing to ignore her because she is being overly precious, then maybe he does this at other times. Maybe being double checked all the time has had its effect. Keeping eggs in the fridge also suggests to me that OP has some requirements that aren't necessarily sensible, that her DH might choose to ignore because he is an adult and doesn't have to toe her line.

Maybe situations like eating a birthday meal she doesn't like is indicative of OP being a bit if a martyr and helping perpetuate her own misery.

Who knows? I am just pointing out that, in her own words, OP does seem to be part of the problem.

Flowersandwine12 · 10/04/2022 12:26

I know this isn't the point of the thread, it's not about the eggs but I'm going to have to have a word with my chickens cos they don't put any dates on them, maybe I can train the collie to do it

Nnique · 10/04/2022 12:27

I must say I certainly wouldn’t be happy if my OH tried to micromanage my cooking when I’m perfectly competent and/or got on my case about what eggs to use, particularly when the ones I’m planning to use are perfectly fine. So I do agree that in this instance OP was being OTT (which is what I said in my first comment). I expect he probably just thought whatever, it doesn’t actually matter.

But still, I think there is a wider problem if he cannot ever be relied upon to actually follow through with what he has said or agreed to. But perhaps OP has fallen into a habit of ‘telling’ rather than discussing/agreeing (which again is understandable so I’m not necessarily criticising, @Fitterbyfifty, but it could well be counterproductive - if you take the mother role with him, he will probably be quite happy to take the teenager role).

MooPointCowsOpinion · 10/04/2022 12:28

My husband can be a bit like this with “learned helplessness” but I also realised I was a part of the problem in that I wanted things done ‘just so’ and considered him failing if he wasn’t doing it exactly as I wanted.
It got to the point he was asking my opinion on everything and never making his own decisions and I realised I had made him so anxious that he might fuck up to my standards while meeting his own perfectly, so he just ran everything by me just in case.
I stopped interfering and started expecting more of him, so he’s in charge of dinner now and the food shop and I keep my nose out of it and guess what? He’s trying new dinners and feeling safe to take risks because I’m not breathing down his neck.
I’m not saying he is blameless, he used to lie to me in a “yes dear” sort of way and he did fuck up some serious things that made me fuming! But now I tell him he broke it, he fixes it, and I also told him checking in with me like I’m his mum is a quick way to make sure we never have sex again.

Nnique · 10/04/2022 12:30

Yes it’s an important distinction actually - learned helplessness vs. strategic incompetence.

Chamomileteaplease · 10/04/2022 12:31

OP honestly this is really quite sad, in the real sense of the word. Why do you value yourself so little that you are "happy" to eat a meal for your birthday that you don't hate.

It was your bloody birthday! And in the real world yes there are men out there who can cook a meal for their family.

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