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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hav a day "off" from being a SAHM?

91 replies

ComeOVeneer · 08/01/2008 16:14

Yesterday was the childrens' first day back at school/nursery and dh was at work. I decided to have a day off, so apart from the school runs and cooking supper for them and later dh an I I did nothing housework wise etc. DH was rather surprised when he got home (he assumed I would take advantage of the time to myself to spruce up the house after the chaos of the holidays). He occasionally takes a day off work and does nothing so why can't I do likewise?

OP posts:
Original poster
ComeOVeneer · 08/01/2008 18:38

Absolutely. I know what you mean that there can't be all that much housework, but ds is only at nursery 3 hours a day, and he is one of those children that seems to leave a trail of destruction everywhere he goes. And I am anal

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PrettyCandles · 08/01/2008 18:41

The point surely is that you are entitled to take a day off your work and to rest from that work - no matter what that work is, and no matter how or where you choose to rest.

Whenever I'm around my parents or ILs, they are always offering to take the older dcs out for a few hours to give me a break, so that I can have a rest. What they don't seem to appreciate is that it is impossible to have a rest with a 1yo around, especially when you are in a non-child-proofed house. If you can't manage them all (and I don't expect them to) then take the baby and leave me with the easy older children FGS!

A rest means a total break from whatever is tiring you, whether it is paid work or unpaid work - which includes SAHM duties!

I'm having a 'rest' right now. Every night, when dh takes the LOs off to bath them, I say 'stuff the dishes, I'm revelling in 15 baby-free minutes before I need to go back on duty'. And heaven help anyone who says I should be getting on with housework during my precious free minutes.

peacelily · 08/01/2008 18:41

Wow 3 hours at home alone every day! What a life!

TellusMater · 08/01/2008 18:41

I don't see it as time off and on.

Surely that is one of the joys of not working - no requirement for a timesheet?

I wouldn't dream of consulting DH if I wanted (for example) to MN for an hour. I don't feel the need to justify what I do, and he certainly doesn't require it.

beckystaffs · 08/01/2008 18:42

No you are being perfectly reasonable, I had my 2 dd's yesterday (both under 3) until I dropped them off at parents and then went to work 3-11pm. When I got home dh's dinner (which I'd made earlier) was half eaten in the kichen and kids toys & mess were everywhere. I would never have left in I that state, but when I came in he said he was off to bed!!
I would never have left it like that to go to work, I wouldn't have heard the end of it.
Staying at home is hard work and you should be able to 'take time off'. i feel guilty if I have one day of not doing any washing!! Go Girl!!

SueBaroo · 08/01/2008 18:44

Yes, in this house it's considered a bit of a chill out if you only have the baby to look after

Original poster
ComeOVeneer · 08/01/2008 18:50

Hey I have done 6 years of a combination of fulltime work (out the house at 6.30am back at 7pm) annd childcare, parttime work and childcare and full time child care. Now dd is at school and ds has started nursery each day (as of this week) It is finally my cahance to use the toilet without an audience . I've earnt my 3 hours!

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Original poster
ComeOVeneer · 08/01/2008 18:51

And dh is off to work in Chicago for 6 months as of next week and I'm not sure how often he will be returning home so I need to rest up to conserve my energy

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yomellamoHelly · 08/01/2008 18:53

I think all SAHMs dream of a day "off". Not had one yet and ds1 is 4. Even holidays are more of the same, just in a different location and usually harder because you don't have everything! Would also give ANYTHING for a sick day. Now that is the bit that really grates!

yomellamoHelly · 08/01/2008 18:55

Six minutes to seven. Can you tell I've had enough?

TellusMater · 08/01/2008 18:57

But when WOHPs aren't out at work, they are doing the SAHP bit aren't they? Unless they take days off while leaving the children in childcare I guess. I dunno. I can't view being a SAHM as work. It's just not the same at all.

But yes sick days. They are the killer when you have no childcare in place...

Wisteria · 08/01/2008 18:58

Girls - you sound like you've stepped out of the 50s housewife handbook - take a bloody day off and don't even bother using the energy to justify it!

Honestly life is too short.

Heathcliffscathy · 08/01/2008 18:59

YANBU

Judy1234 · 08/01/2008 19:13

It's whatever works in the relationship you have. My daughter just bought me the replacement Christmas book (I had the first one). This one is Boys and Girls - full of retro extracts fom the Ladybird book series. So you get breakfast - mother on her feet serving and father reading the paper etc on and on... father sits and mother works 24/7. Most people don't think that's very fair but a good few couples do organise things a bit like that - mother on duty 24/7 at home and father works just 5 days may be with a little bit of childcare at the weekends. A spouse going away for 6 months to work abroad too is just very classically sexist too so you';ll have even less time. May be suggest that for the six months after that you will go abroad to work and he can hold the fort at home just to even things up a bit.

Original poster
ComeOVeneer · 08/01/2008 19:24

What the hell is sexist about dh going to work abroad for 6 months?!?! It is simply part of his job. Me deliberatley going away for the next 6 months to simply even the score is petty and totally unecessary. Xenia, not every issue re SAHM's is a sexist, downtrodden woman issue that needs "re-educating" fgs.

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Original poster
ComeOVeneer · 08/01/2008 19:27

BTW I said dh was surprised not disapproving or reproachful. He made me feel guilty but that was more my feelings rather that anything he said.

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SueW · 08/01/2008 19:35

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request.

Judy1234 · 08/01/2008 20:13

Well it';s not very easy or fair if he goes abroad for 6 months because he won't even be doing whatever childcare and help he gives durin ghte 26 weekends when you might otherwise have had some time off and I bet he won't be doing cleaning and childcare on his evenings abroad or working every evening so it's a very unfair deal for you - you get 24/7/6 months of childcare and he gets 6 months without anything of that. A lot of men wouldn't accept that or their wives but obviously if it's fine with you that's great.

Iota · 08/01/2008 20:15

dh phoned tonight:

  • what did you do today, Iota?
  • nothing, nothing at all
  • so I guess that you didn't even go to the gym?
  • did you phone the ironing service to do a pick-up?
  • no, I couldn't even be arsed to do that. I'll do it next week
  • oh OK
Original poster
ComeOVeneer · 08/01/2008 20:19

Xenia, it isn't fine but dh is up for partnership so he has to do it. He isn't buggering off for 6 months, he is working over there and commuting (the exact details are yet to be sorted) so he will be home as much as he can to spend time with the children whilst combating jetlag.

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Original poster
ComeOVeneer · 08/01/2008 20:20

"A lot of men wouldn't accept that or their wives but obviously if it's fine with you that's great."

It must be nice to live in a world where you can dictate your job like that

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Judy1234 · 08/01/2008 20:23

Good. Perhaps you could even arrange a few child free trips to see him there.

I never like these separations. Most adultery is opportunity not because people are intrinsically bad. I suppose if the deal is that he gets promoted and then you all have more time then it's acceptable. In fact know someone who commutes from Israel to the UK every single weekend so I suppose people do do those kind of regular commutes. Perhaps make him watch you on web cam ever night looking after the children and cleaning rather than going to the pub or having long relaxing child free baths in his hotel room.

Iota · 08/01/2008 20:23

my dh works away a lot - he often isn't around at weekends, so I get my free time whilst the kids are at school. One of the reasons I am a SAHM with school age kids

LoveAngel · 08/01/2008 20:29

I do housework - I mean proper housework, above and beyond washing the breakfast dishes and loading the washing machine - maybe once a week if that. I'm a SAHM not a housewife. I took time out from my career to care for my son, not keep house. Don't feel guilty. I don't!

YANBU.

yogimum · 08/01/2008 20:32

YANBU, take the day off. The housework etc will still be there tomorrow. My dh is away until April. Rarther him than me.