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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU about AIBU

75 replies

YouTubeRabbitHole · 10/04/2022 07:20

Relatively new to MN and some of the advice given is so well thought out and considered but conversely some are cruel and spiteful. Is it the anonymity of MN or is this the way you would speak to someone face to face? When I replied to a post yesterday saying to ignore the haters I was told by reply that they weren’t haters but “disagre-ers who let’s not forget were asked to contribute an opinion”
Yes I agree an opinion was asked but bloody hell some responses could really impact someone’s MH.
AIBU to suggest that some posters need to re-read their comments before adding them and question whether it’s the type of response they would like to be receiving?

OP posts:
VyeBrator · 10/04/2022 14:02

[quote YouTubeRabbitHole]@HELLITHURT but do you think IABU? I don’t imagine that my post will change much at all but if it makes a couple more people think before posting a message…..who knows?[/quote]
It won't because there's a thread like this roughly once or twice a week, almost every week.

I do think it's down to name changing though. I've been on forums where it's not allowed and the majority of posters are still truthful, but civil because if they weren't, no-one would give them the time of day just as they wouldn't in real life.

YouTubeRabbitHole · 10/04/2022 14:05

Not at all @ImBurtMacklin I don’t expect MN to become a harmonious love in. I’m interested in other user’s opinions regarding some of the replies that are given to AIBU posts which is why I asked the question. I accept that not everyone will agree but if I’m honest I’d prefer a nice comment that disagrees with me rather than a bitchy one from another user.

OP posts:
grapewines · 10/04/2022 14:08

@sst1234

Yes you are unreasonable. If you don’t like hearing an opinion, you’re the wrong place. It’s call AIBU for a reason. It’s now the default setting to call people names when they disagree with you - like bully, racist etc. ‘Be Kind’ huh?
Yep.

We have this at least once a month. Just scroll by if you don't want to read it.

AnwenDolly · 10/04/2022 14:16

There is nothing wrong with telling someone they are wrong or being unreasonable, especially when they have asked. There are kind and acceptable ways of doing it though.

Defending vile attacks with the "she shouldn't have asked" excuse doesn't make it OK. It still makes you a nasty bitch.

Unfortunately, I have seen some horrifyingly cruel and vicious responses to posts. Many are made on negative assumptions about the poster that are in no way reflected in anything the poster might have said in any of their posts and is more likely to be the attacker projecting their own motives and beliefs.

Disagreeing with a stranger seems to have become an excuse for many for spiteful attacks.

The individuals who attack in this way are likely struggling with their own frustrations and demons, because normally functioning people do not gain pleasure from being cruel to others. Although that in no way absolves them, the knowledge of it might provide comfort to posters who find themselves on the thick end of an attack.

VyeBrator · 10/04/2022 14:17

I have to add though that 'haters' is a ridiculous word that seems to be the default on social media when people disagree strongly. Completely wrongly used a lot of the time, along with the word 'bullies'.

Most people on social media do not care enough about a complete stranger to actually hate them.

LegMeChicken · 10/04/2022 15:44

@ImBurtMacklin

So people should be censored unless they are ‘nice’ and say what the poster wants to hear?
If you wouldn't say it to someone's face don't post it on an online forum. simple.
Kite22 · 10/04/2022 16:53

We do caution posters to avoid AIBU if they're posting anything personal/sensitive so unless we hear directly from the OP we'd be unlikely to remove the whole thread.

Which suggests to me you are being oversensitive.
Over the years every post I have reported has always been deleted, and I've been thanked for reporting it.

The issue is, we all have a different opinion of where "the line" is, between honest / blunt / rude / bitchy.
Yes, sometimes things written down - be that a post on a forum or a text or some other social media message - can come across slightly differently from the way they are intended, as there is no tone of voice to be heard, no body language, and no facial expressions, but overwhelmingly AIBU can be blunt, but is almost always fair.

IMO, the issue is, too many people use AIBU when they don't actually want an honest opinion as to if they are being unreasonable or not, and then get very cross that their (often unreasonable) stand point hasn't been agreed with.
If you want to discuss an issue when you are low, or feeling sensitive, or you are upset, then put it in chat or relationships, and tell people you are upset, but would like an outside perspective on things. People's tone can be different then, as they are responding to what people have asked.

I also see threads disappear it seems far too commonly these days, when the OP has got the hump (there's one in my 'Threads I'm on' yesterday in fact).

Polyanthus2 · 10/04/2022 17:02

What's daft is you might get several posts being 'honest' and pretty unpleasant - but making a point - but then you get another 60 saying the same thing - somehow they need to put this complete stranger whose views they disagree with in their place again and again and again - it's hard to justify imv.

SScoobiedoo · 10/04/2022 18:28

I think it's also what's on the news these days - horrible war, useless politicians. So people are feeling frustrated and unable to change things. Probably they are generally less tolerant as a result.

chisanunian · 10/04/2022 18:35

@DropYourSword

I've been here on and off for years but I have noticed that since I've been back this time there's a much higher rate of people just being total cunts for no real reason. It's actually frustrating that a percentage of posters have made it feel like what was once a really funny and supportive place with some choice language has seemingly turned into a nest of utter bitches.
I agree, I've been around for years too, and there was one particular thread this morning on which some of the replies were truly appalling. Total bitch-fest.
Herani · 10/04/2022 18:50

Been here for years and it has become progressively worse. I guess it gives those particular vile harpies a misguided feeling of power when they insult someone. They’d never do it in real life.
Thankfully other posters do pick up on some of the worst and are kind to the OP.

Pinkdelight3 · 10/04/2022 19:11

I think there are some very helpful and supportive parts on MN, the Relationships board for one often has a lot of wise and understanding posters. AIBU is a different kettle of fish, and rightly so imo. People can be unreasonable, both the OPs and those who respond. I don't think posters necessarily need to censor themselves and say what they'd say IRL to your face. Isn't that the whole point? That you want the things they're really thinking and wouldn't say to your face, hence why people are asking on an anonymous forum not asking their friends?

I sympathise with people's MH struggles and have had my own, but I don't think censoring other people's points of view is the solution. Stay away from it and don't post by all means, but people are complex. Some of the 'haters' have their own issues or may be nicer IRL than some of the posters who seem so virtuous. All life is here and so it should be.

mnnewbie111 · 10/04/2022 19:14

You're right

IDidntFloatUpTheLaganInABubble · 10/04/2022 19:21

I've been on MN for many a year and although you always needed your hard hat for AIBU I think over the years there has been an increase in people who just use such forums to be vile.

Obviously the increase in users of the site and the increase in keyboard warriors is to blame for that. That being said the number of posters who provide sage advice and really invest their time in a response are still many in number and that is the beauty of MN and AIBU.

There were never so many name changes back then and you "got to know posters" so you could challenge them. All much more anonymous now IYKWIM.

TooBigForMyBoots · 10/04/2022 19:27

@ImBurtMacklin

So people should be censored unless they are ‘nice’ and say what the poster wants to hear?
No one has to be nice, but theres no excuse for being a total dick just because it's the internet.
SScoobiedoo · 11/04/2022 07:35

There are also more people adamant they know the outcome of various scenarios. One yesterday where time and again comments were go to court - the judge would never agree to this - Having had experience of family member in court - the judge can decide what they choose - you don't know the arguments the opposition might present.

Ridiculous 'advice' and 'information' from the clueless.

WomanStanleyWoman · 11/04/2022 13:22

This thread comes up every few weeks, and the OP always thinks she’s going to be the one who gives us a teachable moment where everyone becomes a bit more #bekind. It never, ever happens.

While I do agree there are posts that are just plain old bitchy, it annoys me when anything that’s not blind agreement with the OP is dismissed as ‘rude’ or ‘unkind’ - and when anyone disagreeing with the OP is lumped in with ‘the haters’. Then we get all this ‘I thought MN was about supporting each other and female solidarity’, which is designed to make people fee guilty for daring to disagree. I won’t support an unreasonable woman just because she’s a woman.

If, as I suspect, you’re talking about the ice cream thread, that OP only has herself t blame for getting a hard time. If you make a point of saying you’re happy to be told if you’re being unreasonable, but then fly off the handle at anyone who dares to do just that, you endear yourself to precisely no-one. The responses might not have been so blunt if the OP had shown any self-awareness whatsoever.

daimbarsatemydogsbone · 11/04/2022 13:26

Is it the anonymity of MN or is this the way you would speak to someone face to face?

YABU

This isn't a face to face environment. People do things and make gestures to me whilst driving their cars that they wouldn't do face to face. People push in and are rude in a traffic queue when they wouldn't do it in the Post Office queue.

It's an utterly spurious and pointless comparison.

Travis1 · 11/04/2022 13:34

@DropYourSword

I've been here on and off for years but I have noticed that since I've been back this time there's a much higher rate of people just being total cunts for no real reason. It's actually frustrating that a percentage of posters have made it feel like what was once a really funny and supportive place with some choice language has seemingly turned into a nest of utter bitches.
Yup agree with this wholeheartedly
jampim · 11/04/2022 13:46

AIBU is fight club. Bun throwing and strops are always happening in this topic.

If you want people to be fluffy and gentle post in relationships/health/s&b etc.

If you're that bothered you can hide AIBU as a topic.

merryhouse · 11/04/2022 14:14

and it's interesting that the women who "thought MN was about supporting each other and female solidarity" are the ones using words like harridans and harpies Grin

daimbarsatemydogsbone · 11/04/2022 14:39

If you wouldn't say it to someone's face don't post it on an online forum. simple.

Utterly ridiculous.

daimbarsatemydogsbone · 11/04/2022 14:39

And I would say that to your face BTW

daimbarsatemydogsbone · 11/04/2022 14:40

@merryhouse

and it's interesting that the women who "thought MN was about supporting each other and female solidarity" are the ones using words like harridans and harpies Grin
Aye up the sister hood eh?
daimbarsatemydogsbone · 11/04/2022 14:49

@Herani

Been here for years and it has become progressively worse. I guess it gives those particular vile harpies a misguided feeling of power when they insult someone. They’d never do it in real life. Thankfully other posters do pick up on some of the worst and are kind to the OP.
I've also been here for ages and I disagree that it's got/getting worse.

There's a thread like this about what an awful place it is and daft shit like "you'd never say that to my face" fairly often though and there's refreshing exchange of views at that point.

Just think about this for a minute - sayings like "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything" allow people like Jimmy Savile to prosper.......

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