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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband’s smoking habit

33 replies

rocksonrocks · 09/04/2022 23:43

My husband took up smoking just before Christmas, out of nowhere. I tried to protest at the time but it fell on deaf ears so he now sits and smokes away in the garden every couple of hours.

It is really starting to impact our relationship. It’s such a turn off for me to the point that I don’t want to have sex, I can’t even kiss him and when he tries to be physically affectionate I physically reel away from him because of the smell.

My sense of smell was hugely impacted when I had COVID which I appreciate might be contributing, but AIBU to be disgusted by his habit? It makes me sad not being able to be affectionate and intimate.

OP posts:
VyeBrator · 09/04/2022 23:59

YANBU to be disgusted.

YABU to call an addiction a habit.

FrothyB · 10/04/2022 00:00

Was he a smoker previously, before you met him, and he has lapsed back into addiction? It seems incredibly odd for an adult to just suddenly take up something which is so stigmatised, unhealthy and not to mention expensive.

YANBU to be disgusted by it, especially as it is something he has began after the two of you got together. You wouldn't be unreasonable to leave him for it, for the same reason. At the same time, whilst an unwise choice, it's currently not illegal so is therefore his choice to smoke, and he will likely be highly addicted by this point and will actually have to WANT to quit to find the will power to come off them.

I say the above as a smoker myself. Well, part time at this point.

As a compromise, what if he switched to vaping? If his desire is just for nicotine, it's really useful as a substitute and allows me to go about my day to day life without cigarettes. The only thing that keeps me buying the occasional pack when I'm away from home is the desire to on my part, as I already vape 95% of the time. My wife is particularly sensitive when it comes to smells, so I can't smoke within a day of coming home, but vapour doesn't bother her. Granted, I don't use a hand held dry ice machine and use a simple menthol flavour, certain vapes and liquids can create noticeable smells, especially the sickly sweet ones. Most of the "smokers" I know at work are on vapes full time now, mostly at the request of their families.

As to why he has started, it really can take just one to get you hooked. I know a guy who had given up for years, who was offered a cigar during a drunken evening consoling someone after a bereavement. That one night was enough for him to go back full time smoking for 18 months untill he got a handle on it again. Maybe look into why he has started.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 10/04/2022 00:29

Was he an ex smoker.
Would he consider a vape.

FatOaf · 10/04/2022 01:17

Would he consider a vape.

Vape smells just as disgusting as smoke.

Original poster
rocksonrocks · 10/04/2022 01:19

Nope he has no history of smoking. Really came out of nowhere and surprised me as not something I was accustomed to in our relationship.

Vapes are a better alternative actually, I will suggest that. Although in an ideal world he wouldn’t be doing any nicotine consuming!

OP posts:
Howmanydaysuntilfriday · 10/04/2022 01:23

Very random. Is he stressed out? Having a crisis ? How old is he ?

closetmeupandshootmetotheskies · 10/04/2022 01:27

Nope you're not. Also when you two got together, he didn't smoke, right?? Would it have changed it if he had?

Like. I smoked when I got with my now husband. And he knew it. But when I said I was quitting, he was, in fairness, a total bloody angel with me. We weren't married at the time, but I think I realised then I wanted to marry him, with how incredible and supportive he was. I lapsed a few times and all of them, he told me "I will never use it against you. Ever". he was amazing.

And vaping is actually worse, it's so hard to get a consistent level of nicotine in it, you can end up imbibing more, getting a higher tolerance, plus vapes don't burn down. People use vapes more and it's worse than smoking.

He never smoked, right? You tried talking to him about where this nonsense comes from?

TrefoilTrefoil · 10/04/2022 01:30

I’ve found vaping much, much better. My dp was a smoker when I met him, but it started to be a problem when the number he smoked a day went up. He was chain-smoking four or five and going straight to bed after - his hair stank. If I had a cold, it would make my asthma worse.

Your post brought all that back to me, but it’s otherwise a distant memory because he suddenly stopped smoking overnight and started vaping instead. He vapes inside and I don’t notice unless I’m in the same room. Whereas he was smoking outside before, but the after-effects we’re far more intrusive.

Original poster
rocksonrocks · 10/04/2022 01:49

No he didn’t smoke before. Have asked where it’s suddenly come from and he had one off a mate on a night out and now he’s hooked. I wish I knew which mate so I could bloody give them a talking to!!!

I think it would have been a deal breaker if he was a smoker when we met, yes. No disrespect to anyone who smokes but personally I find it really grim.

OP posts:
closetmeupandshootmetotheskies · 10/04/2022 02:21

@rocksonrocks

No he didn’t smoke before. Have asked where it’s suddenly come from and he had one off a mate on a night out and now he’s hooked. I wish I knew which mate so I could bloody give them a talking to!!!

I think it would have been a deal breaker if he was a smoker when we met, yes. No disrespect to anyone who smokes but personally I find it really grim.

not disrespectful at all, i totally get why it's a deal breaker to folk.

when i quit, found it a slog til i realised this: it's not that addictive. it's a lie. we're told it's awful to come off cogs so the companies making nrt can cash in. ditto vaping companies.

nicotine does have, as an isolated compound, some useful properties. but nearly nobody needs those.

once you realise this, quitting is really easy and simple. and at any rate his smoking comes post you. is he really saying he sees smoking as more important than you??

IamTheEvilPea · 10/04/2022 02:28

🤣🤣🤣

WaveParticleDuality · 10/04/2022 02:41

It's a bit strange to suddenly take up smoking as an adult. It's not illegal though and he is a fully functional human being, so it's ultimately up to him.

Obviously it's also up to you if you hate it so much you feel as though you need to end the relationship.

Is it a deal-breaker? You can't stop him. All you can do is leave if it bothers you that much.

Dita73 · 10/04/2022 02:53

He sounds like a complete moron

WaveParticleDuality · 10/04/2022 03:58

Does he sound 'Like a complete moron?' @Dita73?

Aren't people encouraged to take up hobbies?

Rather fags than cycling or golf, surely?

Dita73 · 10/04/2022 05:07

@WaveParticleDuality yeah good point. The OP should get him to try some heroin as apparently it’s fabulous

WaveParticleDuality · 10/04/2022 05:24

You're just being silly now @Dita73.

Mind you, smack is probably cheaper than a decent road-bike these days and and a takes up much less space.

Also, I live in a national.park, heroin addicts don't annoy me at weekends by clogging up the roads.

Plus. It's a hobby with a much shorter shelf-life. Not too many middle-aged smack-heads. Mamils? Plague-like.

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 10/04/2022 06:03

There must be a reason he's started. Could it be something like his boss smokes and he thinks that going out for a smoke with boss gets him brownie points/the bosses ear/in with the clique somehow? Or co-workers get smoke breaks and he wants them too?
Or does he just fancy 15 minutes in the garden every so often as an excuse to have a rest/not do something (child care? Housework? Washing up?)

HELLITHURT · 10/04/2022 06:11

I also know a man who in his 40s started smoking!

It would be a deal breaker for me, I'd definitely leave.

autienotnaughty · 10/04/2022 06:13

Awful, I wouldn't want to be with a smoker do would really struggle if dh started now!

EmeraldShamrock1 · 10/04/2022 08:06

It's very unusual and foolish to start at his age knowing the health risks.

Carpy88999 · 10/04/2022 08:17

As an ex smoker of 20+ a day it is the dumbest addiction ever. You literally have to force yourself to smoke at the start when the taste and smell is repulsive! Unfortunately I was subject to peer pressure and naively desperate to fit in as a youth. Anyone taking it up out of the blue well into adulthood is frankly mental.

SoManyTshirts · 10/04/2022 08:20

@FatOaf

Would he consider a vape.

Vape smells just as disgusting as smoke.

You can get vapes with nicotine that don’t smell. XH had one for a while, I’m not sure whether he mixed it himself.
Inmyonesie · 10/04/2022 08:22

It would be a deal breaker for me. And I say that as an ex smoker. It's grim and smells awful!

PinkSyCo · 10/04/2022 08:32

You are not being unreasonable at all to be disgusted by the smell, and I say that as an on/off smoker. I’ve always said I can’t imagine why a non smoker would want to kiss a smoker and the fact is you didn’t sign up for having to deal with his breath when you married your DH. I also find it so odd that he would suddenly start smoking as an adult (you don’t get hooked after one cig), especially in this day and age when everyone is trying to stop. Have you told him the smell of him repulses you? Surely that would be enough for him to pack it in?

hellcatspangle · 10/04/2022 08:34

Tbh it would be a dealbreaker for me. No way I could stay married to a smoker.