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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it ok to say no?

38 replies

lugeanjaam · 09/04/2022 22:42

Cutting a very long story short here.

For reasons that are perplexing to me I have been NC with my parents for 15 years. No drama or arguments, they just stopped contacting me when I moved states (in Oz). My brother and I had a fall out which had nothing to do with them they turned their backs on me and my family. I had 4 children at the time and they also ignored them, no contact on birthdays, Christmas etc. I tried for years to reach out but it was one sided and I gave up in the end.

I really struggled with this for many years, it broke my heart. I had another child who is now 13 and they have never acknowledged her existence.

Early this year the whole family moved to the State I live in as my brother got a transfer with work, they now live 1.5 hours away from us. He now has a 3 year old which my parents absolutely adore and dote on who I have never met.

They have asked to meet up like nothing has ever happened. I'm so torn, I would love to meet my nephew who is innocent in all of this mess but it comes with so much baggage. I'm angry and resentful in their lack of interest in my family and a part of me thinks that I have finally got to the point where I am resigned to the fact my family dynamic is what it is and I am not completely broken by it anymore. I have reached a point of acceptance, even though it still hurts. This side of me has no interest in playing happy families, my children have been so hurt and it's ok to say no, some things are just too big to let bygones be bygones.

The other part of my brain tells me that my parents are getting old and this may be my last opportunity to forge some kind of connection with them. I don't want to have regrets when they go thinking of all the what if's.

I have built a life where my friends are our family, and I have beautiful in-laws who love me like their own. So is it ok to say thanks but no thanks?

OP posts:
AllFreeOwls · 09/04/2022 22:44

In the circumstances it is definitely okay to say no to them.

WhatTheWhoTheWhatThe · 09/04/2022 22:47

I think I’d say no in your shoes to be honest. The potential for old wounds to be reopened and the potential for you and your children to be let down and hurt again is too big a risk IMO

Rainbowshit · 09/04/2022 22:49

Of course you can say no!

Krakenchorus · 09/04/2022 22:51

Say no. Say why. Then close the door for good.

HollowTalk · 09/04/2022 22:53

I'm so sorry you have to put up with this. I wonder whether them getting older has anything to do with them wanting to be in touch. It would be really awful if you were expected to provide care and drive them about etc. I'm afraid after all this time I wouldn't meet up with them. They've treated you so badly and I just couldn't forgive that.

RicherThanYew · 09/04/2022 22:53

Take my word for it, you wont have any regrets. The only family I have that aren't dead have been cut off because I'm done with the crap that they entail.

freedomhereicome · 09/04/2022 22:57

No. They sound horrific. I'm so sorry for you and your family

But no. They don't get to ignore you and act like it never happened.

Protect your children. They dote on your brothers child. But haven't acknowledged your 13 year olds even existence. They don't deserve it

I'm sorry you have such shit parents

mistermagpie · 09/04/2022 23:07

I have been NC with my parents and brother for 8 years. I have three children who they have never met or acknowledged. They have never reached out to me once in all this time (I didn't do anything to them by the way, if anything it was the opposite but we basically never got along well) and I doubt they ever will, but if they did it would be a firm no.

I honestly cannot ever imagine doing this to my own children, I just couldn't. My aunties son got addicted to drugs and stole from her and they have a better relationship than I do with my parents, she would never have turned her back.

Some people you just have to write off, I'm afraid. Say no and say it with a clear conscience.

Whatsmyname100 · 09/04/2022 23:15

You don't owe them anything. They have ignored you all for 15 years. That's cruel. Why would you put yourself through that again. Them wanting to meet is purely for their own intentions, it's nothing to do with them caring about you or your children. A firm no and continued NC with them would be what I would do.

Whatsmyname100 · 09/04/2022 23:16

And anyone who treated my children cruelly would be dead to me.

greenlynx · 09/04/2022 23:19

You may regret saying flatly no so maybe you can meet up with them on your own without children to see what they can say. I wouldn’t say much myself my goal for this meet up would be to listen.
However saying this I’m very pessimistic that they’ve changed or understood how wrong they were (people rarely improve with age imo). It’s more for you if you prefer to give them one last chance.

ProudThrilledHappy · 09/04/2022 23:25

I hate to be cynical but I’m with @HollowTalk, be wary they are not getting in touch with their care needs in mind if they are becoming aged.

I’d also be wary of your DC building a connection with them, only to have it pulled out from under them if your parents cut you off again

Pixiedust1234 · 09/04/2022 23:25

Personally I would say no but I would do one final letter asking why they cut you out for 15 years. You might get some kind of closure that way.

RantyAunty · 10/04/2022 00:05

I wouldn't even grace them with a reply.

They'd probably lining you up to care for them as their golden boy can't be expected to do it.

Howmanydaysuntilfriday · 10/04/2022 00:11

15 years without speaking to them -!; they have contacted you? How have they contacted you? What do you really want OP? Whatever you decide you would be well within your rights to see them or to not see them

TurningUpMyStereotype · 10/04/2022 00:22

I wouldn’t even say no, I would just ignore them.

Nennypops · 10/04/2022 00:25

Have they made any attempt to apologise or explain themselves? If not, it really isn't worth bothering.

WildCoasts · 10/04/2022 01:17

I wonder if they were put out that you moved states? That's not reasonable of them but some people get quite offended by that.

Of course it is ok to say no to them. 15 years is a lot of water under the bridge. Are they just expecting to pick up like nothing has happened and say nothing of it? Will they discuss with you why they haven't contacted you? How will you feel if they do die? Would they have a conversation with you about things before you decide?

Only you can decide what you want to do and there is no right or wrong answer.

I would also be concerned that they might establish a relationship with your children and then treat them the same way. Are these people you want in your children's lives? Probably your children will have their own feelings about that issue on their own anyway.

closetmeupandshootmetotheskies · 10/04/2022 02:08

totally is. you owe them nothing, not even an explanation, what they did to you was awful :( you owe them nothing.

milkyaqua · 10/04/2022 02:15

It is absolutely okay to say no to people who have caused you pain over many years, and who do not seem to have your best interests at heart, at all.

Newhousesad · 10/04/2022 03:06

Totally valid reasoning to say no, OP

Original poster
lugeanjaam · 10/04/2022 08:48

@mistermagpie

I have been NC with my parents and brother for 8 years. I have three children who they have never met or acknowledged. They have never reached out to me once in all this time (I didn't do anything to them by the way, if anything it was the opposite but we basically never got along well) and I doubt they ever will, but if they did it would be a firm no.

I honestly cannot ever imagine doing this to my own children, I just couldn't. My aunties son got addicted to drugs and stole from her and they have a better relationship than I do with my parents, she would never have turned her back.

Some people you just have to write off, I'm afraid. Say no and say it with a clear conscience.

I think this hits the nail right on the head. I can't fathom doing this to my children, no matter what the circumstances, which makes it so hard to understand and the only outcome I keep returning to is the just don't care.
OP posts:
Original poster
lugeanjaam · 10/04/2022 09:14

@Howmanydaysuntilfriday

15 years without speaking to them -!; they have contacted you? How have they contacted you? What do you really want OP? Whatever you decide you would be well within your rights to see them or to not see them
They have contacted me through my sister who still lives with them.

As to what I want in an ideal world I would love to have a close functional relationship with them but that's not going to happen.

Reading everyone's responses has solidified what I'm feeling. I don't owe them anything and my kids deserve better.

OP posts:
Roselilly36 · 10/04/2022 09:15

I had shit parents OP, so I can empathise. I have thought about what I would do if my awful mum ever got in touch, I would not be interested in re starting a relationship of any type, ever. The reasons why we lost touch are still there. She won’t ever change. I hope that I am never in the position of her getting touch. That is part of my life where the door is remains firmly closed. Do what’s right for you, of course. But I will never, ever forgive my mum for ignoring her two grandsons for most of their lives. Unforgivable.

balalake · 10/04/2022 09:54

Perfectly OK to say no. My only thought as to why I might say yes in your shoes would be to meet your nephew.