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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sitting alone crying

33 replies

Longtimeuser · 09/04/2022 21:54

So today is a significant birthday for a family member, we are all sitting around and my younger sister 30 wants to play a drinking game but will only play with me if I promise I don't "go psycho again" I told her that is really offensive and what they heck was she talking about... She advised me that I "went crazy when we played at Christmas". Now I suffer from mental health issues and the Christmas issue she is referring to was when we all played and we all got competitive, no arguments or anything and was all in good fun but she really offended me and said it in front of our whole family. She also started making fun of the way I say my husband's name, something she's being doing for years. I've asked her to stop dozens of times... Today was the first time I've heard it in years.

So now I was in the kitchen alone when my mother comes in and she seems I'm upset. I told her what happened and "I'm running everything, she didn't mean it like that blah blah blah". Its fucking offensive to me to hear people call me psycho. I've struggled with my mental health in the past, had a really good few weeks and felt u was turning the corner and now I feel the rug has been pulled from under me by her calling me psycho.

I'm currently hiding in the spare room in tears and she's out with the rest of my family and having food and drinks. I'm 37 for god's sake and I feel like I can't say anything because it will "be all my fault again". I think it was my mother's eye rolling when I told her what was wrong that's really got to me.

Advice, handhold, anything would be great.

OP posts:

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 09/04/2022 21:58

Sending you hugs. Family dynamics are almost intangible to others. Your sister shoudl learn to be kind with her words and I hope your mum or husband has the sense to tell her so. But remember you are responsible how you feel. Longer term can you speak to someone to find a way of coping with adversity or unkindness?

Easterisoffeggstooexpensive · 09/04/2022 21:59

Take yourself home op.
They sound awful.

duvetdayforeveryone · 09/04/2022 21:59

Why in your 30s are you playing drinking games?!?

Family time should be short and far between. You meet, eat, then say good-bye. No time for arguments.

I saw my parents for the first time since last week since August. I was there for 10 minutes. I see my parents with my siblings every 5 years, spending no more than an hour with them all.

PurpleDaisies · 09/04/2022 22:00

I agree with pp-time to go home. I doubt staying is going to lead anywhere good.

Toomanyradishes · 09/04/2022 22:02

Do you live there?

If not do you want to be there?

If not leave, you dont have to be somewhere people treat you like crap. You may be worried leaving will cause more fallout, but they dont seem to be worried about fallout from you so dont let yourself worry about them.

Original poster

Longtimeuser · 09/04/2022 23:06

Thank you so much for your kind words. I have done a lot of work in the past on myself and if someone outside of my family spoke to me like that, well I wouldn't stand for it.

But there is a tendency in my family (mainly this sister) to provoke me to reacting, then step back and blame me for ruining everything. It sucks

OP posts:

Original poster

Longtimeuser · 09/04/2022 23:07

Unfortunately I live 3 hours away and kids are asleep in bed.

OP posts:

Original poster

Longtimeuser · 09/04/2022 23:12

@duvetdayforeveryone

Why in your 30s are you playing drinking games?!?

Family time should be short and far between. You meet, eat, then say good-bye. No time for arguments.

I saw my parents for the first time since last week since August. I was there for 10 minutes. I see my parents with my siblings every 5 years, spending no more than an hour with them all.

I think drinking game is the wrong way to describe it... It's a fun game (think charades) that we play when having a few drinks.family tradition.

I appreciate that's what works for you. But this is a significant milestone birthday and it was supposed to be a fun weekend. We live 3 hours away, have young kids so we decided to stay over. But do need to think about what level of contact works for us going forward

OP posts:

BOOTS52 · 09/04/2022 23:23

You poor woman. When we get we family it is almost as if some of them go back to how they were are kids and the same tactics are still used which is bullying and mean spirited. She does not seem like she has any empathy. Go out there and hold your head high and calmly tell her to be quiet if she starts again. You are doing so well and be proud of yourself as know what it is like with family dynamics and she knows what she is doing. Sending big hugs and stay strong and believe in yourself as you sound very kind with empathy. Bet she has always been jealous of you hence the calling of names to you. xx

crispsarny · 09/04/2022 23:27

Sorry you’re going through this Op, I’ve been in a very similar situation to yourself, sounds like you’re the family scapegoat. Your moms reaction is not good, I have dealt with a mother like this who sides with the other sibling & I always got blamed for their shitty behaviour, do you live with them? If not go home, you deserve better, it’s not your fault, people like this never change, start putting yourself first.

HELLITHURT · 10/04/2022 05:21

@duvetdayforeveryone

Why in your 30s are you playing drinking games?!?

Family time should be short and far between. You meet, eat, then say good-bye. No time for arguments.

I saw my parents for the first time since last week since August. I was there for 10 minutes. I see my parents with my siblings every 5 years, spending no more than an hour with them all.

That's a very strange relationship IMO and not one that I would think of as good. So not sure that OP should be aiming for that.

OP, as others have said try and find some coping/retaliating ne Banian's to deal with your sister.

HELLITHURT · 10/04/2022 05:22

WTF mad auto correct !

Should be mechanisms!

Julesfools · 10/04/2022 05:31

Hi OP, that sounds upsetting for you. Isn’t it strange how the complicated dynamics in our families can continue in to our adult lives. I have similar things with my sister. 💐
Think about contact that is suitable for you going forwards.

veronicagoldberg · 10/04/2022 08:06

Family time should be short and far between. You meet, eat, then say good-bye. No time for arguments

This is so fucking depressing. What have we become as a society? No wonder we're all so detached and depressed.

Original poster

Longtimeuser · 10/04/2022 10:57

Thanks everyone for their comments. I really appreciate it. I ended up going to bed afterwards. I got up this morning and there have been a few questions like "did you sleep ok" and "you went to bed early" from other family members and I just said I was tired and changed the subject straight away. I knew there would be further comments or questions. I'm not in the right headspace now to deal with anyone else telling me how wrong I am.

OP posts:

Original poster

Longtimeuser · 10/04/2022 12:24

@crispsarny

I'm sorry you have gone through this too. It sucks.

I am very successful in my career, have a wonderful husband and kids, and a beautiful home. I'm completely independent. The rest of my family all live on top of each other, it's like they have never grown up and lack any boundaries.

OP posts:

Original poster

Longtimeuser · 10/04/2022 15:32

Quick update. I've calmly asked her to not call me psycho or crazy again... She turned on me, all my family joined in.... Will properly update later when I've a second.

OP posts:

Hbh17 · 10/04/2022 15:35

Maybe the right thing to do is to stop going to visit your family - sounds like you would be better off without them.

FelicityPike · 10/04/2022 15:37

After that update…..take your children, husband, all belongings, pack your car, drive home and never speak to any of them ever again.

ForeverSingle881 · 10/04/2022 15:44

Sounds like you need to distance yourself from them. From their POV, someone crying and being so upset over a game and some teasing is strange and will ruin their night. It sounds like they can be pretty mean and you get upset by it rather than dishing it back. Which is fine but it means you don't work together at all. Leave them to it. You're a grown woman - you don't need to spend time with people who make you cry, what a waste of time and energy.

Bootwall · 10/04/2022 15:56

@FelicityPike

After that update…..take your children, husband, all belongings, pack your car, drive home and never speak to any of them ever again.

This.

Strongly suspect they're to blame for a lot of your MH issues, OP. Enjoy your life and don't waste another second on them.

Harrysutton · 10/04/2022 16:00

Hope you’re ok your way home op.

madroid · 10/04/2022 16:03

Remember @Longtimeuser you can't control your family's behaviour or comments but you can control how you react to them.

Stay calm and on the moral high ground.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 10/04/2022 16:04

We're in our 30s and love playing a good drinking game.

Back to the point, I don't think she was trying to be offensive by calling you psycho. Probably trying to be flippant. However offence is determined by the recipient and if it hurt you she should recognise this and apologise. The fact she hasnt indicates to me that she is being very defensive

NeverChange · 10/04/2022 16:07

For what it's worth, I don't thing anyone who struggles with mental health should drink alcoholic as it exaberates everything. No good can come from it.

That said, if people aren't good for your mental health, sometimes you need to take a step back from them.

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