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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave wedding early when a bridesmaid

27 replies

Womanonthemoon · 09/04/2022 20:20

DH's sister is getting married soon. They have asked DH to be an usher, me to be a bridesmaid and our children 5 and 2 to be pageboys. Which was so lovely of them and I was honoured to be asked.

We're trying to work out the logistics. There are no options to stay at the wedding venue so we will be staying a short drive away. The wedding won't finish until late and I mentioned that I will probably have to leave a bit early (but after all the main bits) to put the boys to bed. Happy to keep them there as long as they are tolerating it but realistically they're not going to be able to stay up until midnight when things finish and while I know some children are happy to sleep in a pushchair mine absolutely wouldn't.

I got the sense they were disappointed we won't all be staying until the very end, and I totally get that you'd normally want bridesmaids to stay until the end, but just not sure how else we can make it work. DH is an usher and it's his sister, so it makes more sense for me to leave early than him, obviously his parents and other close relatives will all be at the wedding too and it's not local to where we or they live so my parents wouldn't be able to pick them up either. As there's nowhere to stay on site we can't take turns watching the children in a hotel room as we have done at other weddings.

So I feel a bit stuck, I don't want to disappoint them but can't see a way around this? AIBU?

OP posts:

Easterisoffeggstooexpensive · 09/04/2022 20:22

At our wedding my ds slept in a buggy. Dd's on a few chairs pushed together!! Don't underestimate how long dc having fun can stay awake and doss anywhere!!

Underfrighter · 09/04/2022 20:23

Other option is to pay to take your family (parents?) with you and they come and pick the kids up and put them to bed

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 09/04/2022 20:24

Leave when you want, anything else is a hostage situation.

Even the most clueless of peeps should know that young children and late parties aren't a harmonious combination.

HirplesWithHaggis · 09/04/2022 20:24

Yanbu, leave when the kids need to. Bridesmaid duties are over once the party starts.

KarmaStar · 09/04/2022 20:24

They probably won't really notice at the time,now possibly they are sad but they really won't pay any attention when you slip off to put your dc to bed so please don't concern yourself about it else it will ruin the anticipation for you.
Just relax and enjoy everything.🌈

HeddaGarbled · 09/04/2022 20:26

Totally reasonable to take a 2 & 5 year old away before midnight.

UhtredsLatestPaganHussy · 09/04/2022 20:26

Who do they think is going to take care of your children when they get tired and grizzly? I assume they're not hiring Nanny McPhees for you. Someone has to take them to their beds and it makes sense it's you and that the bride's sibling, your DH, stays on and parties.

Ignore any silly sense of disappointment they might be giving off.

Lou98 · 09/04/2022 20:33

It's fine to leave early. The kids might surprise you but planning to leave when they've had enough is a good one, I'm sure they'd rather that than overtired kids getting upset.

They're probably just disappointed thinking about it now but in reality once they're there with their friends and family, on a high from getting married, they probably wouldn't even notice.

If you didn't want to leave early though, the other option could be pay for your parents to stay at the same hotel and either they pick the kids up from the wedding when they're tired or you drop them off but then go back.
That's only if you wanted to though, could afford it and they were happy to, otherwise there's no need to

Theyellowflamingo · 09/04/2022 20:34

Ridiculous. They’re children, not performing seals, and they need to go to bed! I doubt she’ll even notice when the time comes.

I think you’re being very supportive even agreeing to be a bridesmaid, with your husband being usher, and with two very young children - I wouldn’t have. My focus would be on my kids if DH was usher at a wedding for his family.

olympicsrock · 09/04/2022 20:36

Absolutely fine. But I agree that children having fun sometimes have boundless energy. They might surprise you. Play by ear!

Mindymomo · 09/04/2022 20:51

We went to Ireland for a wedding and stayed about 30 minutes away from the reception. Luckily for us dc aged 1 slept on the way from church to reception and we stayed till about 10 pm. We were not the first to leave, but it’s reasonable to leave early when you have young children. At my brothers wedding we stayed at the hotel where the reception was. I took dc to bed and let DH and my family carry on partying.

Luredbyapomegranate · 09/04/2022 20:54

It’s fine. You are worrying too much

Do take pushchairs though because they might surprise you - they might happily bounce around till midnight also with the odd nap

TellMeItIsntTrue · 09/04/2022 20:58

Made of honour and left at 10pm cause of dc
They won’t remember anyway

NumberTheory · 09/04/2022 20:58

You’re overthinking. Assuming there are other bridesmaids who won’t be leaving early, she isn’t even going to notice you leaving on the night. At the moment it’s all fantasy and perfect images running through their head. An hour into the reception and they’ll have lost track of who they’ve spoken to and an hour after that they’ll have lost track of how much they’ve drunk. They would probably love it if you could stay but you leaving early on the night isn’t going to “disappoint”. If you’re not “just” a SiL but also good friends with her, try and get some good photos of the two of you together letting your hair down before you retire so there’s some tangible evidence of you really celebrating together. But don’t worry about not being there the whole time.

KosherDill · 09/04/2022 21:11

@TheLightSideOfTheMoon

Leave when you want, anything else is a hostage situation.

Even the most clueless of peeps should know that young children and late parties aren't a harmonious combination.

This.

And don't talk about it in advance. Just do what makes sense on the day.

Datsandcogs · 09/04/2022 21:25

Totally reasonable.

If she’s still unhappy ask her what else you should do?

bridgetreilly · 09/04/2022 21:29

Disappoint them and don’t give it a second thought. They will barely notice on the day and when they have kids, they’ll get it.

MissMaple82 · 09/04/2022 21:47

You do you, end of. I dont know why people are expected to bend over backwards and alter their lives for weddings

bluesky45 · 09/04/2022 21:58

When we got married, my ds who was almost 2 at the time partied right to the end, we couldn't believe it! We tried to put him to bed in his aunties hotel room with her and a cousin he loves but he wasn't having any of it, got upset and came back out and carried on partying!

Original poster

Womanonthemoon · 10/04/2022 08:30

Thanks all.

Yes we will play it by ear and obviously if they do well we can stay for longer. It's just hard to predict. Another complication and this is why they asked what time we would be leaving, it is quite isolated and taxis are a problem so recommended that we pre-book. So I think I will drive so we have flexibility in when we can leave.

For various reasons it wouldn't work for my parents to come and stay over too and pick them up.

Yes very true that they will likely not notice/mind on the day. They specifically wanted to know what time we will be leaving which is how it came up.

OP posts:

PinkiOcelot · 10/04/2022 08:43

I don’t think I would have even mentioned it tbh, especially now. I would just do it on the night if/when the kids need their bed. I doubt they’ll even notice at the time.

KitKat1985 · 10/04/2022 08:55

I was in this boat for a friend who was getting married and I was a bridesmaid, along with DD1 who wasn't even one at the time.

The wedding went on until midnight but I left about 10pm. DD1 was shattered by then (and so was I as DD1 was a shite sleeper and I had been up half of the previous night). We stayed for all the main bits though.

cooldarkroom · 10/04/2022 14:24

Some people hire a group babysitter. If tgeres an adequate toom available
Some people pay a baby sitter back at the hotel...

KosherDill · 10/04/2022 14:30

@Womanonthemoon

Thanks all.

For various reasons it wouldn't work for my parents to come and stay over too and pick them up.

Yes very true that they will likely not notice/mind on the day. They specifically wanted to know what time we will be leaving which is how it came up.

Well, people who choose to hold weddings at isolated venues are going to have to accept that the rest of is will work that out as best we can but likely not be at their beck and call the entire day.

burnoutbabe · 10/04/2022 14:31

I think this is one of the situations where you publicly say you will be dancing all night and privately plan you'll slip away as soon as you can.

It's the planning in advance that you will leave early that upsets people as it seems to be saying "I'll be bored/tired at your event and put my own comfort above making sure your party looks like the best ever"

Hence you plan to leave the early but don't mention it in advance!

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