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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my friend to move out

39 replies

cadburyegg · 09/04/2022 16:01

I'm going to keep details vague as outing.

I have 2 young primary aged kids, I've been a single parent to them for 2 years now, when I separated from their father my friend, who we'll call P, was hugely helpful to me, and I probably wouldn't have got through it without her support. I genuinely thought the absolute world of her until recently.

P came to stay with me a few months ago after being made homeless and our relationship is slowly worsening. She is autistic so I am aware that she is quite blunt but some things genuinely upset me . She is condescending and critical of me and things like my cleaning standards (which aren't high but the house is reasonable), I do have a lot of stuff to sort through but it's just finding the time to do everything, also my parenting, what I eat, cooking etc. Almost every time we talk she responds to me as if I'm stupid "didn't you know that" "yes that's what I just said" etc, she obviously finds me annoying

We never discussed how long she would stay which is my oversight but I didn't expect it to be this long. AIBU for me to ask her to leave, i will give her time of course. She has no family and no job though so I don't know where she will go. Also how do I ask her and I how can I deal with this in the meantime. Can I save the friendship after this. Am I being oversensitive and do I need to take her ND into account more, I am NT so clueless on this, but I feel downtrodden and quite taken advantage of at the moment.

OP posts:

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 09/04/2022 16:03

YANBU!

AlexaShutUp · 09/04/2022 16:05

YANBU to want her to go, but if she has nowhere to go, can you give her a longish timescale to make other arrangements?

GoldenLightNights · 09/04/2022 16:19

Ridiculous! Tell her to find somewhere asap.

Whatsmyname100 · 09/04/2022 16:21

I think you were quite foolish to take in someone without a job , or have a discussion about time lines etc. What was your plan around this. If she's making you feel really upset then you need to sit down and set a time scale of when she should leave. Unfortunately you can't take her on as your responsibility but also she can't expect to stay with you indefinitely.

Thehop · 09/04/2022 16:22

Jesus get them out!!!!

Aquamarine1029 · 09/04/2022 16:22

I'd be telling her she has a week.

marjayy · 09/04/2022 16:23

Why doesn't she have a job?

FionnulaTheCooler · 09/04/2022 16:23

Its your house so if its not working for you of course you can ask her to go, she needs to seek advice from her local housing department as to what her next steps will be if she has to declare herself homeless, but that's her responsibility to sort out.

Bonheurdupasse · 09/04/2022 16:25

@Aquamarine1029

I'd be telling her she has a week.

This OP

girlmom21 · 09/04/2022 16:28

Yeah it's time for her to go

billy1966 · 09/04/2022 16:28

@Aquamarine1029

I'd be telling her she has a week.

This.

Get her out.

I don't know how or WHY you have put up with this additional stress for months.

Not good for your children to have this stress in their home.

Where she goes is NOT your problem.

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 09/04/2022 16:30

Almost every time we talk she responds to me as if I'm stupid "didn't you know that" "yes that's what I just said" etc, she obviously finds me annoying

This is the point where you MUST say to her, 'Please don't talk to me like that in my own home.' Don't back down, don't back track.

Tell her to stop it, and that she needs to find somewhere else to live because she's exhausted your hospitality with her attitude towards you in your own home.. Keep stressing that she's fucking you off in your own home.

She can either let that sink in; or leave.

AlisonDonut · 09/04/2022 16:39

I'd make a tea/coffee for you both, sit her down and tell her and when she argues just say that she is obviouly not happy here, she has a pop at you almost every time you do or say anything and so it is time to go as this is your house and she is making everyone uncomfortable.

No ifs, not buts just that's it. And if you are feeling kind, give her a week.

Original poster

cadburyegg · 09/04/2022 16:39

yes I'm happy to give her enough notice as it were.

It was foolish of me not to agree a timescale , again I'm being vague about locations but this isn't the ideal location for her to be living in for a number of reasons so I figured she'd want to leave asap. I've put up with it because of her ND but it's got to the point now where I feel really taken advantage of. It's not even about money

OP posts:

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 09/04/2022 16:43

Yes I've found that too, @cadburyegg, when someone's overstayed their welcome. The money is the least of the problems. It's the visceral feeling of being constantly forced to share your own space and time.

Being 'corrected' on top would drive me over the edge.

Saz12 · 09/04/2022 16:44

She’s making you unhappy in your own home, which she’s stayed in for months. She needs to move out.

Arrange a child-free time to discuss her plans for how and when she’s moving on. If necessary, point out that you just want your own space, it’s been x months, and you had offered expecting it to only be short-term. Be clear and be direct.

Don’t agree to “after I’ve found somewhere else” or “once I’ve got a job”, as that makes it contingent on something out if your control.

I’d be addressing every comment that upsets you - eg “your kitchen is such a mess!” gets a “I’m busy and it’s my home so when I decide to prioritise things other than cleaning that’s really not your business”. She possibly doesn’t realise she’s upsetting you, so you could also say “when you make negative comments about my home/ food/ children/ lifestyle it upsets me. Please stop doing it” and “when you speak to me like that it makes you sound like you think I’m irritating. That upsets me. This is my home, you need to stop talking to me like that”.

PearlclutchersInc · 09/04/2022 16:44

All of these people saying give her a week - c'mon, that's impossible especially if she doesn't have a lot of money.

Be firm, tell her what's what and that she needs to make arrangements to find somewhere else to live and help her if she needs it (being autistic).

TheMarvelousMrsMaisel · 09/04/2022 16:46

She can go to the council and get into a hostel. I would approach it as "hey friend, did you want me to come with you the council to get housing sorted? I know I said you could stay but it's been a few months now and it's a bit overwhelming for DC and myself I am happy to support you get into temporary housing."

2bazookas · 09/04/2022 16:49

Yanbu.

The very next time she makes a critical comment/put down, just say

" Enough of this unkindness in my own home, P. It's time for you to move on now; I'd like you to pack your bags and be gone by the end of the month"

CrowAndABut · 09/04/2022 16:57

I did this for a family member. It absolutely killed me. Never will I live with anyone again.

Give her a date she needs to be out by.

StScholastica · 09/04/2022 16:57

You probably are getting on her nerves. It must be a noisy, busy and quite an overestimulating sensory environment for someone with autism.
That is not really your problem though.
You are raising your children in their family home. You have to do what is right for you and your dc.
Point out to her that you think she seems to be getting stressed by the way you live and that you feel that it's time for her to move on.
Offer to help her find somewhere else. She may be entitled to housing benefit and possibly disability benefits or supported living.

PinkSyCo · 09/04/2022 16:57

I think you were quite foolish to take in someone without a job , or have a discussion about time lines etc.

It’s not just ‘someone’ though, it’s OP’s friend who was there for her when she needed her most.
I do understand why you’ve had quite enough though OP. Has your friend been actively looking for a job and an alternative place to live or has she just sat back on her laurels? If the latter you need to start being as blunt as her and tell her in no uncertain terms that she has a month to sort herself out (maybe you could help her look for work and accommodation if you have any spare time) or even less than that if she doesn’t stop criticising you. Does she cook and clean btw?

LumpyandBumps · 09/04/2022 17:02

You helped her out to stop her being homeless. You clearly saw it as a stopgap, but she appears to view it otherwise..
Whilst a week might be unreasonably short I do think you need to set a deadline for her leaving. She could then ask the local council for help. I assume they will treat her as vulnerable. It might only be temporary housing or a hostel but it would meet her immediate needs.

muddyford · 09/04/2022 17:04

Give her a week. She isn't a friend, unfortunately.

Josette77 · 09/04/2022 17:06

If she isn't working maybe she can clean your place rather than sit complaining about it.

You definitely need to ask her leave. Don't put up with that.

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