Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To ask my friend to move out

39 replies

cadburyegg · 09/04/2022 16:01

I'm going to keep details vague as outing.

I have 2 young primary aged kids, I've been a single parent to them for 2 years now, when I separated from their father my friend, who we'll call P, was hugely helpful to me, and I probably wouldn't have got through it without her support. I genuinely thought the absolute world of her until recently.

P came to stay with me a few months ago after being made homeless and our relationship is slowly worsening. She is autistic so I am aware that she is quite blunt but some things genuinely upset me . She is condescending and critical of me and things like my cleaning standards (which aren't high but the house is reasonable), I do have a lot of stuff to sort through but it's just finding the time to do everything, also my parenting, what I eat, cooking etc. Almost every time we talk she responds to me as if I'm stupid "didn't you know that" "yes that's what I just said" etc, she obviously finds me annoying

We never discussed how long she would stay which is my oversight but I didn't expect it to be this long. AIBU for me to ask her to leave, i will give her time of course. She has no family and no job though so I don't know where she will go. Also how do I ask her and I how can I deal with this in the meantime. Can I save the friendship after this. Am I being oversensitive and do I need to take her ND into account more, I am NT so clueless on this, but I feel downtrodden and quite taken advantage of at the moment.

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 09/04/2022 17:10

YANBU. say something like this isn't really working. We are getting on each others nerves so you really need to start a looking for your own place to live. I would give her a month or so.

sunshinesupermum · 09/04/2022 17:15

Why doesn't she work? Does she not get interviews because she is ND?
You are not responsible for her welfare though so I would give her a month - surely the council can offer her somewhere if she is homeless? Or am I just being naive?

godmum56 · 09/04/2022 17:18

@cadburyegg

yes I'm happy to give her enough notice as it were.

It was foolish of me not to agree a timescale , again I'm being vague about locations but this isn't the ideal location for her to be living in for a number of reasons so I figured she'd want to leave asap. I've put up with it because of her ND but it's got to the point now where I feel really taken advantage of. It's not even about money

Itas often been said on here that neuro diverse does not equal rude. ND people are capable of learning social rules and fiollowing them.

oliviastwisted · 09/04/2022 17:23

Yes she has to leave OP. Her behaviour sounds intolerable and there are many, many threads from ND people on here reminding us of the ridiculous myth that autism is a cause of being an asshole. Being an asshole is the cause of being an asshole. Loads of decent ND people in the world. I live with two and they are a dream to live with.

SunshineAndFizz · 09/04/2022 17:26

It's defo time to ask her 'what are your plans, since naturally this is a short term solution'. And explain you and the kids have plans to make of your own so she needs to get sorted and leave.

Momijin · 09/04/2022 17:30

I think you should sit ger down and be honest with her. That you appreciate her being there when you needed her and that you were glad to help her out when she needed it but she cannot continue to keep criticising you because it will ruin your friendship. That staying with you isn't doing either of you any good. You need your space and she needs to get on with her life and find a job and accommodation. And then give her a time limit. I think that is fair.

Monr0e · 09/04/2022 17:50

What is the sleeping situation? Do your dc's share or have a room each? If they are sharing you could always say you need her room back as you want them to now have a room of their own.
Also, is she paying you any money? This could go towards a house share instead

You say she is blunt, so be blunt back. When she is critical and hurtful, tell her. Tell her she is being rude and hurting your feelings and friendship and want her to stop. And give her a deadline for moving out of your home. Your dc's deserve to live Iin a calm peaceful home with their mum, this must be having an effect on them too.

Booboobagins · 09/04/2022 17:53

Really harsh comments on you post OP.

People just don't get autism, do they? Your friend if you said how upset it makes you feel, might be able to adjust her behaviour. Autism means she has no ability to stand in your shoes. If she can't then she really needs to move out otherwise your own mental well being will be affected.

And to answer some of tgecreallycstupid comments, people with ASD find it hard to find jobs. Imagine what youd be like if your standard state is that nervousness you fell whilst your waiting to be called in for an interview.

Serious lack of awareness on MN yet again.... folks, go educate yourselves.

OP good luck x

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/04/2022 17:55

@cadburyegg

yes I'm happy to give her enough notice as it were.

I don't think her behaviour towards you has anything to do with her autism at all. It's about gratitude, and how people react to it.

You did something for her which on paper looks to be something she would be grateful for. But gratitude can feel like burden to many people, they feel under pressure to be grateful. So instead of feeling grateful they feel resentful at the expectation - their own expectation, not yours - of feeling gratitude. That then morphs into resentment of the person they feel they should be grateful to - and that is the root of her shitty behaviour.

She won't be able to stop feeling resentful towards you. It's crap, but it's human nature. You do have to ask her to leave.

BlancmanegeBunny · 09/04/2022 17:57

You need to be "blunt" with her too. Don't expect her to pick up of hints be direct and clear about your expectations, what is working and what isn't. (you should have done this when she arrived)

Have a conversation about what her plans are set a timetable.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 09/04/2022 18:59

I let my friend move in a few years ago.....she fell on hard times and l felt sorry for her, not realising she was an alcoholic and just was v inappropriate around my the 1 year old dd. I told her l was getting to the point l didn't want her living with me any more and she took the hint and was gone in 2 weeks. Would that work op?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 09/04/2022 20:07

I think you feel guilty about asking her to leave because she will say, but I helped you when you needed me.
But you have paid her back by supporting her in your home for months. and this is what you can say to her if she guilt trips you.
So you have both gone beyond for each other... You sound like a really kind person... but everyone has a limit and you have done your best so you have nothing to feel guilty about.

"But I have nowhere to go" ( several suggestions of where she could start making an attempt
"But I don't have a job" ( help her make a start and remind her that the current location doesn't help with job search)
Ask her what her plans are? You are NOT her mother.
If she stays she needs to pay her way... and also the comments about cleaning... hand her a broom.
Pick her up on the rude comments. Each and every time. Please do not speak to me like that in my own house... and repeat. If she starts arguing the point.. Just say calmly you are not arguing with her about it but she needs to speak to you with respect, as you do to her.
Sounds difficult but I think the more you calmly stand up to her and don't let her get away with anymore crap talk, the more likely it is tht she will think about leaving. Best of luck.

Cherrysoup · 09/04/2022 20:33

It’s unacceptable that she’s made you unhappy in your own home. If feeling generous, give her a month, if not, then 2 weeks. Put boundaries in place meanwhile and tell her she needs to stop being a patronising cow every single time she speaks to you condescendingly.

BadNomad · 09/04/2022 20:39

Speak up for yourself! If you don't like how she speaks to you then tell her that because she might not realise. And if you want her to move out then you need to tell her that because she might not realise that she's not welcome indefinitely.

Flip

1 2