Is it U or NU to check partners phone?

[MsDataPotata]

Trying to keep this concise & not reveal where I stand on debate. Posting for your opinions as my friend is torn.

1. Her (G) & him (R) split after 2.5 years. Wedding & house purchase were cancelled.
2. Reason they split was that her self esteem was rock bottom & his uncaring nature was probably 50% the reason.
3. They're attempting to reconcile after 6 months apart. He appears to have realised what he lost & is treating her well.
4. During the 6 months, she had a FWB, no emotional attachment, very casual. He had one short lived relationship (4 weekends, sex once, he ended it because he wasn't physically attracted to her). He then spent a weekend with another Tinder date, C, no sex because he'd made an insensitive comment about her appearance so plans were off & they slept in separate rooms at her place, however, the long chats on WhatsApp continued. They didn't meet up in person again because it's a 1.5 hour journey.
5. He text G from C's bedroom that morning & over the next 2 weeks, they decided to try again.
6. R got drunk & told G that he had really fancied C, thought she was an amazing person & had been falling in love with her. R said fair enough, we've both seen others, we both go 'no contact' with these others. Both agreed, her FWB & his 'C' were blocked & deleted.
7. 2 weeks later, G finds contact has continued between R & C. He once again promises to block & delete.
8. Another 2 weeks later, G finds contact has still continued but via a different messaging app, not text message, this is relevant for later on. Other relevant info here is that it was an app where R isn't visible online like he is with WhatsApp.
9. G didn't read the conversation (silly cow) because she felt that would have been too intrusive.

10. R justified the contact by saying C had been diagnosed with cancer, had got in touch to tell him & he felt he had to reply to her. 11. G asked R how she'd got in touch if she was blocked & he'd deleted her number. R said 'she kept my number & text me'. 12. G has given R the benefit of the doubt, he's blocked C on every platform & G has told him that if there's any further communication that's it, she's leaving the relationship for good. He's said he doesn't want C & if she finds a way to contact him again he'll tell G but not reply to C.

So, should she trust him? G looked on R's phone because he had mentionitis again which went beyond a short conversation sympathising about an illness. G isn't a natural snooper, she cringes when she talks about doing it & feels guilty.

YANBU: Check his phone now & then for reassurance.
YABU: Don't check his phone. Trust him.

I've told her what I think but aparently this is the complete opposite to what our other friend said to her. What do you think? I'll be sending her the link to this thread so she can read responses.

Oh just ditch him. He's lied hasn't he?

All parties are mid to late 40s, incase that's relevant.

YANBU: Check his phone now & then for reassurance

If you're doing this you're not being reassured, you're continuing to show you don't trust him. A relationship like this will never last. Either end it now or stop policing him.

It's kinda gone beyond the question of whether to snoop or not. The trust is gone, it's time to move on, it isn't repairable.

I'm sorry but I couldn't really follow that. But unreasonable to check anyone elses phone. You either trust them or you don't.

If you feel the need to check your partner's phone then I think you have no firm basis for a lasting relationship.

@MsDataPotata

All parties are mid to late 40s, incase that's relevant.

Well they certainly don't sound mature enough to be that age!

If your relationship has got to the point of having to check your partners phone, it's already dead. If you don't trust your partner then break up with them.

If I felt the need to check DH's phone "for reassurance", then I think that would be the end of the relationship because it would be very clear that the trust had gone.

If she trusts him, she doesn't need to check. If she doesn't trust him, she should probably get out of the relationship sooner rather than later. Snooping should never be necessary!

It's kinda gone beyond the question of whether to snoop or not. The trust is gone, it's time to move on, it isn't repairable.

^This. I can't imagine why they thought it was reparable even before all the FWB/Tinder stuff tbh. Who on earth comes back from a break-up that led to a cancelled wedding and house purchase, especially when one party has an 'uncaring nature' and the other has personality issues to deal with?! Sounds crazy to even attempt to get back together tbh.

This relationship is dead in the water, stick some rocks in it's pockets and let it sink.

For me, the key part is that the two of them are/were on the brink of making a very big commitment with marriage and house buying.

Perhaps the best approach for your friend is to just make a decision to trust him, but also put the commitment on hold for a while. Give him a year or so to sort himself out, give him the benefit of the doubt enough not to check up on him, and then see what develops.

If your friend still feels like she can't trust him (even if he has been a good boy) then the relationship won't recover. But at least she won't have made irrevocable decisions, and she can get out of it without too much pain. And if he is a good boy, then he'll understand that they need to re-establish that trust before picking up where they were.

Don’t check his phone or trust him
He’s clearly not trustworthy

G should not check R's phone for her own sake. It's not healthy to be in a relationship where you feel you need to do that.

G should probably just save herself the bother and not get back together with R. I would dispute point 3 in the OP ("he's treating her well") given the rest of the OP.

Having previously checked an ex phone, I found it made me more paranoid and insecure. If I have any worries now then I confront dh and we have an open and frank conversation but we trust each other.
Your friend doesn’t trust her partner. So much has happened whilst they were broken up. They decided to cut all contact with the other people and he broke that agreement. If this other girl messaged him then he kept it quiet to protect his girlfriend but he should have been honest.
At this point I’d probably question the point in the relationship because they will always doubt each other and worry about what happened during their break

Checking phones or not is irrelevant, he’s continued to have contact with this other woman and has lied about it.

I don’t think this relationship is worth saving, the trust has gone, they should both just move on.

I don't think there's ever a good enough reason to invade another's privacy so YABU to check his phone.

If I or my DH ever felt the need to check each other’s phone we would be over. A marriage with no trust is not for either of us.

@Chikapu

This relationship is dead in the water, stick some rocks in it's pockets and let it sink.

This

I would check my DH’s phone if I was suspicious of an affair, however it’s the beginning of the end.

I’ve never checked in 17 years, we have access to each other’s phones but never look.

If you cannot trust someone there’s zero point.

It's not acceptable to snoop. If she doesn't trust him then she needs to end it. If she has self esteem issues then any conversation however innocent will be very much open for misinterpretation.
Also imo if you were in a long term relationship with a wedding booked, you don't just start up relationships with others, you spend a bit of time licking your wounds and healing.

YABU - if you feel the need to check your Partner's phone in a relationship you don't trust them and shouldn't be with them.

If nothing else the fact she's checked his phone before, if he has something to hide he'll just delete them before she gets a chance

It's not ok to snoop and it's not ok to cheat.

Your Op is really confusing.

If there's a need to check it's too late now.

I honestly just don't understand some people's attitude to relationships. Why get back together with someone who has an uncaring nature? Forget all the drama over who said/did what, and move on with your life!

Ltb.