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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go back to the CMS with this?

38 replies

MatchsticksForMyEyesReturns · 09/04/2022 08:57

Divorced 9 years ago. Ex has always resented paying maintenance. I managed to get a deduction from earnings arrangement through the CMS. Last year I was told because he'd been on it for more than 12 months, it would revert to him paying me directly. I told them he would never pay the amount they had worked out. Sure enough, he picked a figure he deemed appropriate and paid me that for 5 months. I reported the underpayment each time. Now the CMS are putting him back on the deduction from earnings, which means he pays the 20% fee. I'm being questioned ok what I earn and told I'm on a good wage (haven't disclosed my salary), that I'm greedy and told that even though he went part time a few years back, he will now retire. He is still 4 years off retirement age (we have a large age gap). He is also now ranting about it to both my children. AIBU?

OP posts:
HotDogKetchup · 09/04/2022 08:59

I don’t understand the question?

Original poster
MatchsticksForMyEyesReturns · 09/04/2022 09:08

AIBU to have reported the missing payments so it would go back to deduction. He thinks I am.

OP posts:
thisisscary · 09/04/2022 09:09

He’s being a twat and should pay towards his children’s upkeep. Moaning to your kids is out of order too. Definitely let CMS sort it if he’s going to be like that. How old are your kids?

Original poster
MatchsticksForMyEyesReturns · 09/04/2022 09:10

14 and 11

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 09/04/2022 09:11

@MatchsticksForMyEyesReturns

AIBU to have reported the missing payments so it would go back to deduction. He thinks I am.
Who gives a shot what he thinks?
Hoppinggreen · 09/04/2022 09:11

Or shit even

IDontThinkImTheDrama · 09/04/2022 09:11

Why would anyone think you were unreasonable?

Original poster
MatchsticksForMyEyesReturns · 09/04/2022 09:12

I know I shouldn't. He was emotionally abusive when we were married and I still panic whenever things like this happen. It's cyclical.

OP posts:
Original poster
MatchsticksForMyEyesReturns · 09/04/2022 09:13

He claims if he retires I will only get £100 per month. Trying to remind myself that he's just trying to make me back down.

OP posts:
Original poster
MatchsticksForMyEyesReturns · 09/04/2022 09:14

@IDontThinkImTheDrama

Why would anyone think you were unreasonable?
I don't know. Maybe they'd think I am being greedy. I just want what the dc are entitled to.
OP posts:
thisisscary · 09/04/2022 09:17

So if he retires, let him. He’s trying to control you by threatening this. He’s also manipulating the kids and continuing the emotional abuse by badmouthing you to them. What a bastard.

IstayedForTheFeminism · 09/04/2022 09:18

What a twat. Go to the CMS. Ugh. Can't stand men like that!

IDontThinkImTheDrama · 09/04/2022 09:18

Do you rely on the maintenance?

Before anyone jumps on me I'm not suggesting you shouldn't seek or accept it!

Our system for this is just so woefully inadequate that I feel for anyone who literally relies on maintenance payments to live because they are just so pitifully regulated.

Obviously maintenance can change and go down depending on circumstances so if he did retire he probably would be required to pay much less I'd assume (someone correct me if I'm wrong) but I'd imagine like you say he's trying to call your bluff.

Original poster
MatchsticksForMyEyesReturns · 09/04/2022 09:20

Yes I do need the maintenance. If it does drop if he retires I would need to tutor to make up the shortfall or really tighten my belt.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 09/04/2022 09:22

Don't engage - if the fucker retires there's nothing you can do

Just ignore him and keep the claim going Thanks

Tell him you don't give a fuck what he thinks

Keeponmoving2213 · 09/04/2022 09:22

Divorced 9 years? Op- don’t give him another thought
It’s a financial arrangement
Yes go for cms

IDontThinkImTheDrama · 09/04/2022 09:25

@MatchsticksForMyEyesReturns

Yes I do need the maintenance. If it does drop if he retires I would need to tutor to make up the shortfall or really tighten my belt.
I'd probably try and arrange this as a back up anyway just so I wasn't relying on him being a decent person as it sounds like he isn't.

You shouldn't have to obviously but sadly I probably would to remove the stress of having to rely on him.

Obviously still go through CMS as well though!

Howmanydaysuntilfriday · 09/04/2022 09:30

How much do you get now ?

AHungryCaterpillar · 09/04/2022 09:34

Why do you still speak? I wouldn’t engage with him at all…

Original poster
MatchsticksForMyEyesReturns · 09/04/2022 09:35

He's been sending £300. That's lower than the CMS calculated for direct pay.

OP posts:
Original poster
MatchsticksForMyEyesReturns · 09/04/2022 09:36

@AHungryCaterpillar

Why do you still speak? I wouldn’t engage with him at all…
We only do when it's to do with the dc. I've blocked him now.
OP posts:
ExplodingElephants · 09/04/2022 09:37

I can feel my blood pressure rising on your behalf. I always got called ‘greedy’ too. I mean, I never actually got anything so I’m not sure how that makes me greedy 🤷‍♀️ How dare he do that to you. The CMS are the worst government agency ever. If you owed a single penny to universal credit they’d mercilessly hound you for it yet because it’s so difficult the CMS just don’t bother with these twats.

Original poster
MatchsticksForMyEyesReturns · 09/04/2022 09:39

@ExplodingElephants

I can feel my blood pressure rising on your behalf. I always got called ‘greedy’ too. I mean, I never actually got anything so I’m not sure how that makes me greedy 🤷‍♀️ How dare he do that to you. The CMS are the worst government agency ever. If you owed a single penny to universal credit they’d mercilessly hound you for it yet because it’s so difficult the CMS just don’t bother with these twats.
Agreed. He has large arrears top, which he disputes. Naturally.
OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 09/04/2022 09:39

Why does he think he shouldn’t pay for his own dc?

Original poster
MatchsticksForMyEyesReturns · 09/04/2022 09:42

His reasoning is I work full time and he thinks I earn enough to just accept what he feels is enough.

OP posts:
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