Just think I am messing up as a mum

[Belle82]

I love my children more than anything and I want to do right by them so badly.
I do have PND and going on medication soon, also getting counselling.

My son was born 4 months ago and (completely understandable) my daughter’s behaviour has become unbearable. I tend to find everything she does at the moment irritating, I know that is not her fault and it’s my PND, but I hate myself for it.
I try to take her for days out, baby will generally sleep in the pram.
I try to do lots of nice things with her, but I do end up getting flustered a lot with just basic things (still finding my feet with two), but that puts me on edge.
Then she will have at least one tantrum while we are out and I never handle it well. Raising my voice and trying to walk away (never more than a few steps and then I come back as I feel terrible).

There is so much on social media with positive parenting, which I do try really hard to follow, but when I don’t and I shout (especially in public) then I feel like a complete failure.

If I keep her inside she climbs the walls and her behaviour is 10x worse.

I don’t know what to do, we stupidly never put any proper discipline in before now and with all her emotions it is impossible to know how best to do it, without making her feel like we are just doing it because her brother is here.

I try positive parenting and it just doesn’t work with her. I try time outs and that does work for a bit but my husband doesn’t have the heart to do them so I end up being the monster parent.

All of this on top of having a 4 month old going through a massive sleep regression.

I end up crying sometimes at the end of the day when she goes to sleep. As I hate the way I have handled things in the day.
As much as I tell myself the next day will be different it all happens again.

If anyone has any advice I would appreciate it so much.

I have turned off the voting as I know I am being completely unreasonable.

I'm sure someone will be along in a minute with some great advice but I wanted to just send you a virtual hug. Mum guilt is the worst thing we do to ourselves! This too will pass-lots of.praise for good behavior and ignore the bad-she will get there, and so will you! Going from one to two is hard x

Thank you ❤️
It’s so hard sometimes, I just really hope I’m not damaging our relationship long term. I have quite toxic parents and I would be devastated if I had the relationship with her as I have with my own mum.

Thank you for responding

I don’t know the answer here but you’re not a bad mum at all.
I only have one. A two year old, and I raise my voice sometimes and have started walking off a few steps too - you tend to just do what you think will work sometimes.

The one thing I will say is that you shouldn’t compare yourself to all the Instagram positive parenting mums. Yes it’s a great approach and if it works for you it’s brilliant but just because it’s not working currently doesn’t mean you’re a worse parent.

You’re sleep deprived, you’re finding your feet, your daughter is acting out a little because she’s finding her feet too, it’s not a reflection on you as a parent.

I’m sure someone will be along with some more useful practical advice soon but be kind to yourself OP, the fact that you are worrying about this so much and getting so upset shows how much you care about both your babies - and that makes you a fantastic mum.

I also wanted to add my mum had the same problem with me when my brother came along, and I’m really close to my mum still now, I’m 37!

I've only one but I've found I'm much more confident and calmer when I've planned out my responses to challenging behaviours in advance. Doesn't mean it always works but I'm not starting from a position of stress and being on the back foot so it's easier to adapt.

Maybe have a chat with DH about some of the situations you've been in recently and about how you'd ideally react and you can come up with a bit of a plan for next time? Don't beat yourself up though, there isn't a perfect way to parent because every child and every parent is different. It can be useful for them to see us losing our tempers and getting things 'wrong' and then to see how we deal with that and move forward.

You're not a bad mum at all.

I had pnd with my first and I can tell you EVERYTHING about that girl I just didn't like much for months. I was snappy and awful, did the usual parenting but not much more.

I very quickly met my dh and had dd2 and that really taught me how I should be.

No advice but watching as going through the same thing at the moment thought it was just me and I am an awful nasty mum, but glad to see it isn't.

Everyone says it will get easier, but how long until that happens??

You poor love. You're absolutely not a bad mum. How old is your DD? Sorry if I missed it.

You're not a bad mum. You're just struggling and that makes you human! Are you a single mum? Do you have any support? If so, use it, you don't have to do everything alone.
Good for you for accepting MH help - the counselling and medication will help you. Open up to friends and family that you are having difficulties, if you have them around, they won't judge you if they're worth it.

What I found helpful was to take dd1 out on her own at the weekend for "Mum and dd1name time" I left baby dd2 with dh.
Take her to a library or cafe, or to pick something from a charity shop or pound shop. This just seemed to improve her behaviour as it made her feel special rather than second fiddle to the baby.

Are they fed and safe? Are you doing your best? Are they in danger of anything physically in any way?

Right, so they're fine!

I couldn't cope with 2 in the early days, I put my eldest in nursery until I could cope, the lack of sleep turned me into a monster. No advice just solidarity, I did not fone that the second child 'slotted into' our lives like everyone told me, it was more like a bomb had gone off.

Don’t look at or read about parenting strategies, you are putting terrible pressure on yourself. Most of that is crap. As @Calandor said, just get the basics working. My god, I have lost it many times when they were small, completely totally normal and what you are feeling now; this will not last forever, especially with a 4 month old, how quickly they change. How old is your DD? If you can get control of tantrums you are on a winning path. Distract, re-engage or give out (depending on the age) but forced positivity is a slippery slope in my humble opinion. This time will change for you, very soon, because they change so fast. Head down, knuckle through it and know nothing stays the same for long. You will come out the other side.

You're not unreasonable OR a bad mum. Fact is, kids can be a total pain in the tits
You're worrying about this, which shows you're a lovely mum. A bad parent wouldn't really care about trying to make things better.
It's a shit situation for sure, and my heart goes out to you. It's all about just getting through, for now, so please just go easy on yourself.

Oh, and soft play is your friend. Sit with baby and a hot chocolate, and your older child literally gets to climb the walls! And of course, 'mums with babies aren't allowed on the play equipment'

Hi, even without pnd I think we have all been there and had days we wished we had been better.

I have a 1 and 3 year old. I found it quite overwhelming at times with the older child when he was having a tantrum or just being badly behaved. Basically hitting or kicking for no reason - or rather wasn't getting enough attention or being stuck in doors too long

I found I was turning into shouty mum.

I found a new tactic - when he started being difficult or hitting I found say mummy isn't playing anymore as you are not being nice and leave the room. Behaviour improved

Hi, how old is dd? Is she neuro-typical?

Don't beat yourself up, it's really tough and little kids can be surprisingly irritating.

You mention "proper discipline" - I don't think you want to train her only to behave nicely when you control her through threats and punishment. But that doesnt mean no consequences; sanctions work when delivered calmly and instantly, so that is usually removing them from a situation or taking something away.

A full-on tantrum is an emotional storm, and your DD has no power to be rational whilst that's happening, so you need to help her prevent thr tantrums.

Start gently etting behaviour expectations before you go out (not with threats but talking about what nice behaviour is like).
The tantrums are caused by big feelings she can't handle, so talk to her about the big feelings and help her recognise them and start to teach her some ways to calm down.

Always gently praise her when she does something good, don't go over the top with it, but make sure you notice when she takes turns, or shares, or stays calm when she doesnt get her own way, or brings you her hairbrush when asked, or puts her coat and shoes away, sits nicely for dinner, listens well for a story and so on.

So i would persevere with the positive parenting because it does work.

Shouting should be reserved for stopping them doing something dangerous but the vast majority of parents lose their temper occasionally. You just pull yourself together and try to do better next time.

When you say you are trying to do lots of nice things, maybe that's the part to tackle so you are doing less ambitious things, closer to home, and then when you feel overwhelmed it is easier to abort. You can build up slowly.

Aim for one special event each day maxiumum and incentivise good behaviour with a sticker chart. Special events can be very low key, short and repeated often.
Kids love doing things over and over and anything she likes, she will behave nicer to get a chance to do it again. Boring for us adults, but excellent training for her! And done well, a sticker chart is a bizarrely powerful tool.

Try and tag team - a playdate with a friend asking the mum to stay for coffee (you're less likely to shout with adult company).

Do you have a garden or access to communal garden?

Some good things at this time of year are:

• planting some seeds /digging for worms (getting muddy is essential)
• having a teddy bear picnic
• washing the car/windows outside (getting wet is essential!)
• going to a local playground. (This is my exception; in summer, most days of the week with little ones i would walk to the playground nearby and just stay as long as I can bear it)
• walking in parkland
• feeding ducks
• finding a kids sports track and going for a scooter/run/cycle
• nature trail (easy to find a seasonal list online, depending on age you can write out the words or draw pictures)
• indoor games like hide and seek
• go to the supermarket/local shops but keep it short and make sure she has her own list of things to shop for, put baby in a sling
• draw outdoor chalk pictures and a hopscotch
• make a pretty card for neighbour and walk to deliver it to them
• jump in puddles, find a place to play pooh sticks, find a place with a huge grassy hill to run down over and over.

I wouldnt make it any more ambitious than that, honestly.

How old is your daughter?

I have 2.5 year old DS and a new baby and the toddler’s behaviour has become so tricky since the baby arrived. Huge tantrums around any kind of personal care - getting dressed/undressed, nappy changes, hair washing, etc. Which all makes mornings and evenings particularly unbearable - and it’s not as though it’s optional and I can walk away and leave it.

I don’t have any advice but just wanted you to know you aren’t alone.

I don't know how old your daughter is, but I could have written your post. Mine are 3 and 4 months, and every night I go to sleep wishing I had been more patient/creative/calm/present. The mum guilt can eat you up.

I'll give you some advice I really need to learn to follow myself: be kinder to yourself. The fact that you're worrying about this shows that you are an excellent mum. Bad mothers don't worry that they haven't followed the gentle parenting techniques they saw on Instagram. You're not a robot: you are allowed to feel frustrated, overwhelmed, bored. Everything you're feeling makes sense.

I'm told it gets easier, so hang in there!

Oh, and one thing I am doing - unfollow those social media accounts about gentle parenting. My parents never "named my feelings" or "calmly held the boundary" when I was having a meltdown because my banana had broken in half. And you know what? I'm not emotionally scarred, I am fine.

I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that these millennial parenting fads are yet another thing to make us feel shit about ourselves.

Sleep deprivation is literally torture. When my second came along the first continued at nursery a few mornings to give me a break. Take any help you can. Totally agree some one on one time with older one could help if you can. I try to ignore tantrums and not rise to strops, try to think in advance what will start them, like having to leave somewhere and start the countdown to leave really early! Some days are just crap and all you can do is write them off mentally! It will get easier, just getting more sleep as baby gets older will help you. Eventually they will go to school and you’ll enter the much more fun parenting years of 5-10!

I'm struggling in a similar way too. I have a just turned 2yr old and a 9wk old. I just don't have the patience to deal with my toddler's shitty behaviour.
She's been fantastic with the baby, far better than I could ever have hoped. But her general behaviour is awful sometimes and as she has very little speech I find myself getting stressed out easily when I have no clue what she's paddying about.
I'm constantly irritable with her and I'm shouting at her a lot more. What I'm scared of is becoming my mum - all I remember from childhood is her shouting and swearing at us constantly (plus the out of hand physical abuse).

I also agree about stepping away from anything you are reading about 'how to parent'. The term positive parenting implies that we behave upbeat and no one ever gets upset so reject that right away. We are not Disney parents, we are humans. You are doing the best you can. That is enough, it's the same for all of us. You have identified that your frustration at your child is about your own stuff, which is a pretty big realisation in my book. Be kind to yourself, if you lay off the pressure then everything becomes slightly easier.

My DD is 4, she will always be my baby but I feel such terrible guilt that I looked at her as so much older the moment my DS was born. And normal toddler behaviour from her was now wrong because she was so much older. Which of course, she isn’t. She’s still only 4 😔

I would love to do more 1:1 time with her but my DS is still breastfeeding on demand and refuses to take a bottle.

I will absolutely step away from all the positive parenting social media accounts. They always have a habit of showing on my feed when I have had an awful day 😔

@PissedOffNeighbour22 this is what my DD is like. She’s amazing with him, but will play up massively. Never listen to anything I say, makes a mess on purpose. Does things she knows will get a rise out of me.
I totally get it’s the seeking attention, doesn’t matter if it’s good or bad.
I’m terrified of becoming my mother, we have an incredibly toxic relationship.

@Whitewolf2
I completely forgot how bad it was with my first, DS used to sleep through so this sleep regression hit like a tonne of bricks 😔
I find out about the school my DD will be going to soon & I could cry about how fast she is growing up, I don’t want her to remember her childhood like this.

@Mybobowler
Thank you, my counsellor Does say I’m putting too much pressure on myself to be the perfect parent, Which although doesn’t exist my mother would have you believe she was! Which makes it very hard with her snidey comments.
I think the new Social media video that’s come out about Childrens first 4 years and if you miss it you can’t ever get it back. I want to slap the person who created that. It’s almost been targeted to make every mother feel absolutely terrible. ❤️