Just think I am messing up as a mum

[Belle82]

I love my children more than anything and I want to do right by them so badly.
I do have PND and going on medication soon, also getting counselling.

My son was born 4 months ago and (completely understandable) my daughter’s behaviour has become unbearable. I tend to find everything she does at the moment irritating, I know that is not her fault and it’s my PND, but I hate myself for it.
I try to take her for days out, baby will generally sleep in the pram.
I try to do lots of nice things with her, but I do end up getting flustered a lot with just basic things (still finding my feet with two), but that puts me on edge.
Then she will have at least one tantrum while we are out and I never handle it well. Raising my voice and trying to walk away (never more than a few steps and then I come back as I feel terrible).

There is so much on social media with positive parenting, which I do try really hard to follow, but when I don’t and I shout (especially in public) then I feel like a complete failure.

If I keep her inside she climbs the walls and her behaviour is 10x worse.

I don’t know what to do, we stupidly never put any proper discipline in before now and with all her emotions it is impossible to know how best to do it, without making her feel like we are just doing it because her brother is here.

I try positive parenting and it just doesn’t work with her. I try time outs and that does work for a bit but my husband doesn’t have the heart to do them so I end up being the monster parent.

All of this on top of having a 4 month old going through a massive sleep regression.

I end up crying sometimes at the end of the day when she goes to sleep. As I hate the way I have handled things in the day.
As much as I tell myself the next day will be different it all happens again.

If anyone has any advice I would appreciate it so much.

I have turned off the voting as I know I am being completely unreasonable.

@Sorryfornamechanging thank you So much that is my biggest fear that she will have the same relationship with me that I have with my mother. I will make sure when she’s older that she knows I was never the perfect parent and that that doesn’t exist and I will open up to my mistakes I made with her during this time. These are things that my mother feels unable to do, makes all the mistakes someone else’s fault.😔

@KatieKat88 this is such a good idea, I’m going to start thinking of this today.

@TheCanyon
Thank you that makes me feel a lot better about the fact that there might be light at the end of the tunnel.

@Mariposista
No I have a husband who is fantastic with my DD what doesn’t really understand PND and so struggles with knowing the right thing to say, I don’t blame him for this.

@Sleepyquest i’m honestly not sure I felt it when I had my DD. Postnatal depression that is, although not as bad as it was it’s always been on the line so I knew it would come back when my DS was born I don’t think it will be any better for me until I start going on antidepressants😔

@SarahAndQuack
Thank you she’s just turned four years old

@Tobacco I would love to do this. Unfortunately my son is still breastfeeding on demand & won’t take a bottle so I can’t leave him with anyone but I only intend to exclusively breastfeed until six months and after that I’ll be able to do the one on one sessions my DD again.

Op, I understand as I bf dd2 until she was a toddler. They're teenagers now, but I guess the "Mum and dd1 time" must have been when dd2 was able to be left with a bottle. It definitely helped dd1's behaviour

@Underfrighter thank you, she is in nursery 3 days a week at the moment they don’t have space for more. If I’m honest I’m truly dreading the summer holidays she will be on holiday club maybe a couple of days a week but I really want her to enjoy that time I’m not have a shouty Mum.

@twilightcustard I can sometimes handle the tantrums really well but other times I resort to time out so I understand that she is completely confused there’s no consistency to the way I handle them and of course sometimes there’s the sheltie responses that I give. But I really appreciate your reply and reminding me that this too shall pass. 🙏

@mycatisannoying
Love your name by the way😂
I go to soft play at least 2 to 3 times a week and I totally agree with you it’s like my screaming sanctuary😂

@welshladywhois40
It really can be overwhelming she’s four years old, we never really intended to have such a big age gap, Best laid plans and all that! That’s a great tactic I’m going use that 😊

@LollyLol
Thank you so much For your list I will absolutely use that during the two lockdowns I was really good at taking my daughter places to be hard time doing Arts and crafts playing hide and seek playing in the garden
Seeing your list has reminder me it doesn’t need to be something big to make her happy ❤️

Oh you poor thing.

Dump the social media stuff.
A while back the psychologists would talk of the "good enough" mother/ parent. Absolutely no perfection necessary.
Oh and my kids hardly remember age 4 and 5 so don't worry about that. Plus they remember things totally differently to me and often have far less sympathy for their past selves than I do!

God, you're a bloody lovely person just for replying to everyone! X
All you have to be at the moment is 'good enough'. Please don't put unrealistic expectations on yourself to be anything more than that

@PierresPotato

Spooky!
The 'good enough' comment is exactly what my PND counsellor used!