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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parent visiting - AIBU?

36 replies

Namechangeplease · 08/04/2022 15:39

Would appreciate your thoughts please.

I’m a lodger and looking to buy a place of my own.

One of my parents has very kindly offered to put quite a bit of money towards the new place, which is v generous.

Parent is interested in coming along to second viewings of the properties, but don’t live nearby, so they’ll need a place to stay when coming for viewings.

There’s a guest room available in the place where I’m a lodger, and lots of hotels nearby. Parent would prefer to stay in my room though. I’d prefer for parent to stay in guest room, and have also offered to pay for a hotel room nearby as an another option (not somewhere extremely pricey; Travelodge/Ibis-type place).

Parent says accommodation is too expensive, and has turned down the option of guest room, and says they want to stay in my room. When I mention to them (kindly) that I’d prefer for them not to stay in my room, I am told I am ‘rigid’ and they talk over me and tell me they are not listening to me.

I feel stuck here. On the one hand, parent is very generously gifting money for me to buy my own place. On the other hand, they are asking to stay in my room with me, which I’d prefer not to happen as I see it as my own space and I think I’ve suggested decent alternative accommodation options.

AIBU?

OP posts:
cupofdecaf · 08/04/2022 15:52

Could they stay in your room and you take the guest room?

hellcatspangle · 08/04/2022 15:54

Why not pay for yourself to stay in the guest room where you live and put them in yours, if you're happy to pay for an alternative?

It sounds like there are bigger issues at play here though, they don't sound very respectful of your opinions, and are they going to be riding roughshod over you once you've bought the new place? Will they think because they've helped you buy it it gives them the right to make decisions about it?

AryaStarkWolf · 08/04/2022 15:54

Why do they want to stay in your room rather than the guest room? That's really odd

PinkGiraffe1 · 08/04/2022 15:54

How many nights at a time would they be staying? If 1 night every week or so then it all depends how much you really want or need the money for a house. Tbh though, I'd be more concerned that they want to be involved in the house viewings. What if they don't like somewhere you do? It sounds like there's strings attached to this money.

Sparkletastic · 08/04/2022 15:55

I'd think long and hard about accepting their 'generous' offer....

LittleOwl153 · 08/04/2022 15:55

Tell the parent that your landlord does not allow overnight guests in rooms - hence the option of a guest room.

At the end if the day though if you want the cash you may have to make peace with it. Do you really need the cash? Its sounding as though this is a very controlling set up.

Justcallmebebes · 08/04/2022 15:55

Where would they sleep in your room?

PinkGiraffe1 · 08/04/2022 15:56

Also how big is your room? Would they also be sharing a bed?

girlmom21 · 08/04/2022 15:58

What other conditions does their money come with?

TakeYourFinalPosition · 08/04/2022 16:01

Don't accept the offer.

It has more strings than a puppet, and they are showing you that they don't care about your feelings.

Honestly, you'll live to regret it.

Indicatrice · 08/04/2022 16:03

Is the property going to be in your name?

If yes, do what @hellcatspangle suggests and take the guest room for yourself and suck all this up. It will be amazing owning your own place.

Cocomarine · 08/04/2022 16:05

Presumably no drip feed coming about them genuinely being anxious at staying alone?

Though I’d love to say hold a hard no to sharing, I probably would advise the easy way out of saying landlord doesn’t allow it - hence even having a guest room.

Is this money really going to be freely given?

JenniferBarkley · 08/04/2022 16:10

Is this a symptom of more widely controlling behaviour that would mean you might regret accepting the kind offer of help with the purchase?

If there's a valid reason, you sleep in the guest room and remove anything from your room you wouldn't want your parent snooping through.

Original poster
Namechangeplease · 08/04/2022 16:36

Thanks all for your replies, really helpful and thoughtful.

To address a few things that have been mentioned here:

  • the offer of the money is a tricky issue. It’s a very generous offer (and I’m not really able to afford a place without it unfortunately) but it does bring the issue of how much control my family will have over the place whilst I’m in it
  • the property will be in my name only
  • the major issue I think is that my parent isn’t often very respectful of my feelings. I’ve never really thought about this, until I had some therapy (for an unrelated thing) and realised that this was an issue.

I’ll have a think about the options you’ve all mentioned here.

Thanks again.

OP posts:
coconutpie · 08/04/2022 16:43

What is their reason for wanting to stay in your actual room?

rookiemere · 08/04/2022 16:44

I'm sorry but I'd be very wary of the deposit offer. Definitely trying to erode your boundaries when there is a perfectly good guest bedroom seems annoying at best and repellent at worst.

rookiemere · 08/04/2022 16:45

Is there a charge for using the guest bedroom?

Original poster
Namechangeplease · 08/04/2022 16:57

Rookie yes there is a small charge for the room, which I have offered to (and am very happy to) pay.

coconutpie Parent doesn’t want to see the landlord who owns the property, so doesn’t want to use the guest room. I’ve said to parent that surely they’ll bump into the landlord anyway, even if they’re in my room. And I’ll need to let landlord know that parent is staying in my room anyway, out of courtesy, so the landlord will be aware they are staying.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 08/04/2022 17:01

You're being very careful not to reveal the gender of the relative - is there a reason for that ?

incognitoforthisone · 08/04/2022 17:02

Is there a reason why you've carefully avoided saying which parent it is? Is that a factor?

Because I can see why my mum might think I was being uptight if I refused to share a room with her for one night (although she wouldn't make a big deal of it, and would still just happily go along with whatever I wanted), but never in a million years would my dad want or expect to share a room with me.

Maybeitstimeforachange · 08/04/2022 17:02

Would your parents stay in your room alone, or do you have to be there too? Are they scared of being on their own?

I agree with PP however that there will be strings attached to that money - I would decline it.

Original poster
Namechangeplease · 08/04/2022 17:18

No there’s not really a factor about not mentioning which parent it is, apart from not wanting to be outing.

Just had an update that my parent will be travelling back home the same day, after doing the viewing. I didn’t really expect that as an outcome, but it seems to suit them okay and it does seem better than some of the other options.

Parent and I have a tricky relationship, as we are close and I know parent wants the best for me but they can be quite overbearing and not take my views into account.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 08/04/2022 17:20

It's hardly outing to say whether it's your mum or dad! Everybody has one of each. It's just that it's such a different matter if it's your dad who wants to stay in your room with you. Your parent doesn't seem to respect your boundaries and so if your dad wanted to share your room that would be another thing altogether.

Cherrysoup · 08/04/2022 17:21

Just be careful they don’t try to dictate what you buy then how you decorate it. They sound weirdly controlling.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 08/04/2022 17:42

If it's your mum then that is a bit annoying but I could deal with it. If it is your dad then this situation would worry me with them being so insistent. These details seem impressive