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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PIL complaining we don’t visit

63 replies

goaskmum · 08/04/2022 14:57

So my DHs mum and dad are both retired now and have been for a good number of years and they live not even a mile away from me, DH, DS and DD.

We do go to visit them occasionally, but not really that often. Both me and DH work full time and DD and DS are in full time education.

Anyway, they are both active and can get about places. They are able to walk and they have a car and they regularly go out places so it’s not as if they are housebound. My house is within walking distance.

I’m starting to get annoyed with them because, yes me, DH and DC could visit them more often, but it’s a bit hypocritical of them to moan about us not visiting when they don’t come near us either or make regular contact with us.

Sometimes when me and DH visit, they make silly comments like “oh my goodness, do we know you? It’s been so long, did you forget where we lived?”

Me and DH don’t like confrontation so we kind of just laugh it off and say well you know where we live too but it’s getting to the point now where it’s extremely irritating as they make digs about every-time we visit.

AIBU to think that just because they are elderly it doesn’t mean they are exempt from visiting us and that it shouldn’t always be on me and DH to visit them?

OP posts:
RedskyThisNight · 08/04/2022 14:58

Do you invite them over? How often do you visit?

Holly60 · 08/04/2022 15:00

I absolutely agree! If they want to see you they need to get up and make it happen. I have AC and it’s absolutely 50/50 in terms of who visits who. Possibly slightly more us visiting them as it’s easier for us to fit into their busy lives that way.

Next time you could say ‘you are always welcome to pop in to us you know’

LoudingVoice · 08/04/2022 15:02

Be more clear in your reply next time that they can/should visit you too - don’t laugh it off then moan about it, tell them straight that they’re welcome to come to yours too.

Allsorts1 · 08/04/2022 15:05

Put the ball in their court next time - say, “we’d love to see you more, next time it’s your turn to visit so please text me some times you’re free”

ReadyToMoveIt · 08/04/2022 15:05

Do you invite them to visit you?

Original poster
goaskmum · 08/04/2022 15:07

We try to visit every other week which is still a lot more than they ever bother to visit us!

During covid, we wanted them to stay in as much as possible so we did all their shopping for them and we brought them meals.

They did come to visit us once during lockdown but we wouldn’t allow them inside due to indoor gatherings being illegal under the rules at the time and they claim they don’t come to us because we don’t allow them in which is nonsense as the rules have now been lifted!

OP posts:
Original poster
goaskmum · 08/04/2022 15:08

@ReadyToMoveIt

Do you invite them to visit you?
We would invite them down for the odd meal sometimes, but other than that, no. The door is always open for them so they don’t need an invite
OP posts:
wonderwoman26 · 08/04/2022 15:10

I think its an age thing, my Nan does the same.

Drives, is mobile, chose to live 45 minutes away from us all, has access to the phone but makes a comment about how i never ring her (i ring her once a week and visit atleast once a month for a full day) but never picks up the phone to ring me?

Drives me mad

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 08/04/2022 15:11

We would invite them down for the odd meal sometimes, but other than that, no. The door is always open for them so they don’t need an invite

Many people don't feel comfortable just turning up, though.

Original poster
goaskmum · 08/04/2022 15:12

@wonderwoman26

I think its an age thing, my Nan does the same.

Drives, is mobile, chose to live 45 minutes away from us all, has access to the phone but makes a comment about how i never ring her (i ring her once a week and visit atleast once a month for a full day) but never picks up the phone to ring me?

Drives me mad

That’s pretty much the same kind of scenario as mine! It’s utter nonsense
OP posts:
Original poster
goaskmum · 08/04/2022 15:13

@fairylightsandwaxmelts

We would invite them down for the odd meal sometimes, but other than that, no. The door is always open for them so they don’t need an invite

Many people don't feel comfortable just turning up, though.

Yes, but my point is they never ask about coming to visit us. Me and DH make more of an effort than they do
OP posts:
balalake · 08/04/2022 15:14

Invite them. If they decline, then you have a comment next time they complain.

Easterisoffeggstooexpensive · 08/04/2022 15:15

After your next visit actively invite them to your home. .
Make it clear it is now a take turns scenario.. If they choose not to visit you then you simply don't visit them.
What can they say?
Say you have rang the highways committee and the road def still geos both ways...

JuneOsborne · 08/04/2022 15:20

ACH, this is a bit silly. Talk to them. It's not a confrontation if you say 'what nonsense we come every other week. It's you that never come to us! If you want to see more of us, make it happen! We're always free on a Saturday afternoon, or you could come and see Johnny at his dance class on a Wednesday and come back for a cuppa.'

Don't let it get into a situation where you're resentful. It's hard to come back from that.

Original poster
goaskmum · 08/04/2022 15:22

@JuneOsborne

ACH, this is a bit silly. Talk to them. It's not a confrontation if you say 'what nonsense we come every other week. It's you that never come to us! If you want to see more of us, make it happen! We're always free on a Saturday afternoon, or you could come and see Johnny at his dance class on a Wednesday and come back for a cuppa.'

Don't let it get into a situation where you're resentful. It's hard to come back from that.

You we right!
OP posts:
findingsomeone · 08/04/2022 15:25

Urgh this is my in laws!! The moaning does my head in. DH has told them several times now that it would be helpful for them to suggest meets or things to do and they don't. They just moan that they never see us, when they see us. I've washed my hands of organising anything with them because it was so one sided. Ball is in their and DH's court, I'm done.

schmalex · 08/04/2022 15:26

My parents are like this. They complain we don't see them, but they never invite us either! We have to invite them to us or invite ourselves to them.

girlmom21 · 08/04/2022 15:30

Next time they make a joke of it just say "you know you're more than welcome to visit us too!"

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 08/04/2022 15:37

Yes, but my point is they never ask about coming to visit us. Me and DH make more of an effort than they do

Maybe they don't want to come across as pushy. It would never occur to me to ask about visiting someone really - if you want them to come over, you need to ask them.

Maybe they just don't feel able to pop over as and when if they know you're both working and the children are in school.

Fairyliz · 08/04/2022 15:43

But if you are both working full time and the children are in school I assume you have very little free time? If they are retired they can probably be more flexible with their time so are happy to fit in with what suits you best. So basically waiting for you to make decisions about a meet up so you don’t feel put upon.

YouTubeRabbitHole · 08/04/2022 16:06

My PIL were like this. DH used to pop round every Saturday morning for about 1/2 hour so he could see his folks and the DC would see their grandparents. I probably went every 3 weeks.

AxolotlEars · 08/04/2022 16:12

I know you say the door is always open but maybe they feel reluctant to turn up as they may feel you are too busy for a pop in. My in laws took over 20 years to knock in the door without a specific invitation! (I think they were afraid of offending us despite us saying drop in) Maybe their way of making 'joke' comments is because they miss you and they, like you, don't want any confrontation. We invited my in laws over and then when they can made another date. It doesn't have to be every week. Think about what you can do and suggest the next date. You can even say to them "why don't we come to you next time?"

EggBurger · 08/04/2022 16:14

Maybe they don't want to come across as pushy. It would never occur to me to ask about visiting someone really - if you want them to come over, you need to ask them

This. My daughter lives 15 minutes away but I'd never drop in without warning. They're busy. They wfh, long hours. I always call first if I need to drop stuff off for her.

Having said that, they do invite us to visit and we always go when invited. Even if she said her door was always open, I still wouldn't arrive unnanounced. It feels pushy.

SockFluffInTheBath · 08/04/2022 16:40

I sometimes wonder if older generations don’t understand how short spare time is when both parents work FT with children in school and wall to wall activities. Like you say OP they’re as capable of visiting you as you are if visiting them. Maybe a little ‘well you know where we are’ next time they comment.

SockFluffInTheBath · 08/04/2022 16:44

I’m slightly surprised at some of the posts. If you live close to someone you can just pop in for a cup of tea- you don’t need to stay for an hour or more and take over the morning/afternoon/evening.