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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PIL complaining we don’t visit

63 replies

goaskmum · 08/04/2022 14:57

So my DHs mum and dad are both retired now and have been for a good number of years and they live not even a mile away from me, DH, DS and DD.

We do go to visit them occasionally, but not really that often. Both me and DH work full time and DD and DS are in full time education.

Anyway, they are both active and can get about places. They are able to walk and they have a car and they regularly go out places so it’s not as if they are housebound. My house is within walking distance.

I’m starting to get annoyed with them because, yes me, DH and DC could visit them more often, but it’s a bit hypocritical of them to moan about us not visiting when they don’t come near us either or make regular contact with us.

Sometimes when me and DH visit, they make silly comments like “oh my goodness, do we know you? It’s been so long, did you forget where we lived?”

Me and DH don’t like confrontation so we kind of just laugh it off and say well you know where we live too but it’s getting to the point now where it’s extremely irritating as they make digs about every-time we visit.

AIBU to think that just because they are elderly it doesn’t mean they are exempt from visiting us and that it shouldn’t always be on me and DH to visit them?

OP posts:
EggBurger · 08/04/2022 16:45

I sometimes wonder if older generations don’t understand how short spare time is when both parents work FT with children in school and wall to wall activities

Of course they understand. After all, they've been in the same situation themselves, haven't they? That's why I wait until I'm invited before suggesting a visit at what is fairly likely to be an inconvenient time.

RedskyThisNight · 08/04/2022 16:47

@SockFluffInTheBath

I’m slightly surprised at some of the posts. If you live close to someone you can just pop in for a cup of tea- you don’t need to stay for an hour or more and take over the morning/afternoon/evening.
You haven't been on MN much then? A large number of people think that popping in without advance warning is rude. An equally large number think that you shouldn't invite yourself to someone else's house. And of course there's another large number of people that don't want their in-laws to come round except under strictly defined parameters.

If OP is happy for her in-laws to pop round whenever for a cup of tea (bearing in mind that if she works full time, they are already pretty limited as to when this could happen) she needs to make this very clear to them. She can't assume they will automatically know.

SockFluffInTheBath · 08/04/2022 16:51

@RedskyThisNight I’m on mn far too much these days 🤣

But if you say to someone (PIL) your door is open outside of work hours, so evenings and weekends, to save them complaining that they never see them then they could pop in for a very unmumsnetty cup of tea!

Concestor · 08/04/2022 16:53

I think this is a generational thing. As children, we only ever visited our grandparents, they came to us once a year, one set at Christmas and the other in the summer. All other trips we went to them.
My parents and PIL are similar though my parents are a bit better, but really they expect us to travel to them (2 hours each way) with the kids, I guess because that's what they did when they were the parents?
Use your voice, talk to them and invite them round.

EggBurger · 08/04/2022 16:53

And of course there's another large number of people that don't want their in-laws to come round except under strictly defined parameters

Indeed, I've read this type of complaint so often on here it's made me wary of visiting too often, and never without checking first.

Tee20x · 08/04/2022 16:58

When I first read your post I thought you were going to say you go months without seeing them but I think you see them enough as it is.

I honestly believe people retire and then actually forget how little time you have when you work full time and have kids.

My nan is exactly the same - always moaning that no one visits her, calling slap bang in the middle of the day and wondering why no one is answering, texting that someone needs to call her about something "urgent" - when it is simply something to do with a password for an obscure account.

It's annoying. Working 9-5 daily and having kids, you barely get a break as it is, without having to factor in people pestering for visits/contact.

And it's the same situation as yourself, no mobility issues, gets about fine, in her 60s & happy to travel when it suits her.

Dairymilk50 · 08/04/2022 16:59

*Sometimes when me and DH visit, they make silly comments like “oh my goodness, do we know you? It’s been so long, did you forget where we lived?”
*

Love your thread. I'm laughing because members of my dad's family say this to me.

It's catch 22 as it sounds like you and DH are happy but it does sound like your PIL would like to be invited. I think it's rude to just "pop" despite being family or not.

If your happy just explain you are quite busy.

NoSquirrels · 08/04/2022 17:01

The door is always open for them so they don’t need an invite

I think they do, though. Clearly they’re out of the habit.

Next time you go, before you leave say “Would you like to pop in for a coffee next Saturday/come for tea on Weds” or whatever.

Lou98 · 08/04/2022 17:05

My Mum and SD are a bit like this. Always complain if me and my Sister don't visit enough (keep in mind we normally visit twice a week, I'm talking about they moan if we only go once instead of twice!) - yet, they never come to visit either of us. They're in their 40's, no health conditions etc.

Whereas, my PIL we generally do visit them, only because my MIL has a medical condition and she struggles sitting in chairs that aren't hers if that makes sense. FIL will however come down for coffees etc himself.

It works both ways, they can't be moaning at you if they're capable but not willing to make the effort!

Kite22 · 08/04/2022 17:09

We would invite them down for the odd meal sometimes, but other than that, no. The door is always open for them so they don’t need an invite

Well, you need to make that really clear to them then.
I love it when people 'pop in' but if they (your PiLs) have ever been on MN, they might think it is a massive faux pas, as so many on here seem to think it is a terrible crime.

  1. Invite them over for a meal you are having anyway...... "Why don't you come over for tea on Tuesday - won't be anything special obviously as we will have been at work, but it will be nice to see you?" or "Have you got anything arranged for the BHs over Easter? Do you want to come and have a roast on the Sunday?" etc.
  1. Tell them that, with work and life generally, it is sometimes difficult to arrange anything formally, but you would genuinely love hem to pop in anytime for a cuppa and to see the dc. Some people need to know they aren't treading on your toes by doing that.
  1. Invite them to join you at something you are doing anyway..... watching the dc's sports fixture or whatever.
FridayBluezzzz · 08/04/2022 17:37

It’s a generational thing. DH grew up in same city as both sets of GPs, said they never came to their house except for Christmas Day, they always had to go see them.
This ideal was then passed to his parents who expected us to do all the visiting. However we lived 200 miles away so they had to take a turn occasionally but they weren’t happy about it at all.

MySecretHistory · 08/04/2022 17:39

A phrase of my granny

The road runs 2 ways

YouTubeRabbitHole · 08/04/2022 19:57

How old are your DC? If you’re within walking distance could they pop round on their own to visit their grandparents?

Kite22 · 08/04/2022 21:52

It’s a generational thing. DH grew up in same city as both sets of GPs, said they never came to their house except for Christmas Day, they always had to go see them.

Which generation ? Confused

I'm in my 50s, my parents would have been in their 90s if they were still alive and my Grandparents were born in the 19th Century, and this doesn't apply to any of us.

Dairymilk50 · 08/04/2022 21:55

@MySecretHistory

A phrase of my granny

The road runs 2 ways

Good one. Never heard it before
Rinatinabina · 08/04/2022 22:00

I think they are waiting for an invite. Tbf if they started turning up randomly would it annoy you?

Dailyfailcanfeckoff · 08/04/2022 22:00

Yep definitely the older generation expecting everyone to visit them.
And I think they do forget how busy it is. Every fortnight is pretty good going - so it’s a bit cheeky to comment they haven’t seen.

No advice to give - I just suck it up and moan later! Drives me crackers though.

Kite22 · 08/04/2022 22:27

Yep definitely the older generation expecting everyone to visit them.

Which age group exactly are you talking about ?

NannyKrampus · 08/04/2022 22:29

Well, I loathe passive-aggressive stuff like those comments when you do make the effort to visit them and they 'joke' about if they know you. Being a stubborn fecker, I would add an extra week of no contact from my side for each such snide remark.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 08/04/2022 22:43

If they have ever read MN then they will most definitely be waiting for an invite.
It is different dynamics though visiting children as opposed to visiting parents. I guess its because even if the house has changed a son/daughter visiting parents is akin to visiting the family home, whereas visiting your son/daughter isn't

GeoffNorcottfan · 08/04/2022 22:57

In my experience, when parents/parents-in-law get to a certain age, they become rather 'entitled', and think that all the effort should come from you.
My parents and parents-in-law never ring me. Never. But whenever I call them I always get the "oh, hello stranger" comments.
My partner and I joke that their phones are broken, so they can only receive calls, but not make them.
What I didn't realise was that our kids used to listen to us, which meant that one time at my in-laws my youngest piped up "I'm sorry your phone is broken!" ... Eek! Before I could intervene, she continued "Mummy says you can't call people on your phone..."
Yikes. We laughed about it later, my partner and I, but I felt bad.
I'd like to say my in-laws got the hint, but they didn't. Not at all. Completely over their heads.
All I take from all of this is learning in How Not To Behave When Your Kids Grow Up.
Be kind. Call, and visit, when you can. And when your own kids grow up, try to be a little more giving.

Namesrus · 08/04/2022 23:08

I’m older with adult children we live close and see them every week and text or phone at least twice a week. So our communication is definitely a two way thing, but they grew up in the house I still live in it’s the family home where they are welcome at any time ( they will check to make sure we are in first cause I still work full time and have many interests and friends that take me out of the house) so they will open the door handle and walk right in, it’s still “ their’s” in a way. I’ve never lived in either of their houses so they don’t feel “mine” I wait to be invited or I will suggest going over but I wouldn’t just turn the door handle and walk in, my sons probably wouldn’t care but out of respect for their partners I ring the bell and wait for the door to be opened. It doesn’t seem odd to us and we are extremely close

Dairymilk50 · 08/04/2022 23:27

@GeoffNorcottfan

In my experience, when parents/parents-in-law get to a certain age, they become rather 'entitled', and think that all the effort should come from you. My parents and parents-in-law never ring me. Never. But whenever I call them I always get the "oh, hello stranger" comments. My partner and I joke that their phones are broken, so they can only receive calls, but not make them. What I didn't realise was that our kids used to listen to us, which meant that one time at my in-laws my youngest piped up "I'm sorry your phone is broken!" ... Eek! Before I could intervene, she continued "Mummy says you can't call people on your phone..." Yikes. We laughed about it later, my partner and I, but I felt bad. I'd like to say my in-laws got the hint, but they didn't. Not at all. Completely over their heads. All I take from all of this is learning in How Not To Behave When Your Kids Grow Up. Be kind. Call, and visit, when you can. And when your own kids grow up, try to be a little more giving.
Hilarious. You can always rely on the kids to drop you in it!
Nanny0gg · 08/04/2022 23:50

@fairylightsandwaxmelts

We would invite them down for the odd meal sometimes, but other than that, no. The door is always open for them so they don’t need an invite

Many people don't feel comfortable just turning up, though.

Except that if they do that, the odds are you'll be busy or out.

I don't see why you can't actually invite them

Nanny0gg · 08/04/2022 23:51

@SockFluffInTheBath

I sometimes wonder if older generations don’t understand how short spare time is when both parents work FT with children in school and wall to wall activities. Like you say OP they’re as capable of visiting you as you are if visiting them. Maybe a little ‘well you know where we are’ next time they comment.
OFFS.

Yep. We're all thick and never worked outside the home