Hoping to get some independent views on this because I’m feeling that either I’m totally blind to my unreasonable behaviour, being gaslit or we are just experiencing reality through two totally different lenses.
We have a trip away coming up and my job is to organise it (we are trying to share tasks). We used to live where we are visiting so will have lots of people to catch up with. It will be busy but fun. None of our friends have spare rooms and bathrooms. At the most they have one spare bedroom.
When I was planning the trip I ruled out staying with friends because of the above and;
1 we are going for a week which is a long time to have a house guest.
2 moving between places would take up lots of time and we have a lot to pack in.
3 staying with friends but then buggering off to meet other friends would feel rude.
4 we are not in a good place as a family and are prone to get irritable with each other and argue. This at times is explosive. We are working on it but, I wouldn’t want to bring that into someone else’s home. I have to do a lot of facilitation and managing when things kick off which takes it’s toll on me emotionally and it’s harder when other people are around.
- I am working on one of the days and have to set off really early.
- If DC kicks off, if we have our own place we can retreat to it. Not disturb anyone. Things are calmer at the moment but late nights and out of routine who knows. We are just about managing to keep things smooth at home.
- I want to be able to cook our own food and save some money rather than eating out or feeling bad that others are having to cook for us (or trying to cook in someone else’s kitchen)
- I think DC will need time away from people to relax. So will I. DH isn’t like this.
- DC won’t sleep well - too excited if there are other children. Fine usually but at the moment he’s very up and down. And like I said we are really working on a more harmonious family atmosphere. I don’t want us to go backwards.
10. This is likely to be our main holiday. I’m taking leave for it. I want some time on my own and in my own space - I get up early so it’s mornings mainly when they sleep in. I like to get a coffee and chill - look after myself a bit. Hard to do that in someone else’s house if you are the only one up and you don’t want to wake everyone. I need time without interacting - no matter who it is.
So those are all the reasons I decided not to consider asking friends if we can stay, including that none of them really have the space.
I looked into other options and presented them to DH - 3 different kinds of accommodation for different amounts of time etc. He asked why don’t we stay with friends? I said ‘I did think about that but ruled it out’ and gave him reason 4. Didn’t want to give him the whole list because each one would then be debated. He dismissed the reason and said it would be fine (it won’t - I know you can’t predict the future but I know what has happened before and what state we are in). So I gave him another and he dismissed that too. So I said that I had given it lots of thought and I really don’t want to stay with friends. I said that I really would rather not go for that length of time if we are staying with friends.
He got really cross and said it was disrespectful of me. The bit he found disrespectful changed. It was making the decision unilaterally at times and then not entering into a discussion about it at other times. He got very angry, stormed out a few times etc.
I don’t feel I did anything wrong. I was doing the planning. We had agreed that this was my job. I Considered what would give us the best time and took the top options to him. I didn’t enter a discussion about whether we might stay with friends as that would have been disingenuous as I had ruled it out and wouldn’t want to go if that’s what we were doing.
Up until the end of the conversation I stayed calm and tried to understand which bit of my behaviour he found disrespectful. At one point he mentioned not considering the financial implications and at another not considering what he would like (he loves being around people all the time). I am the main earner. Me and DC need time away from people to unwind.
I feel I did my job, I considered our needs as a whole family, listened to his input and stated my preference and boundary clearly and calmly. What I didn’t do is pretend to consider staying with friends when I know that was a non-negotiable for me.
May be I was being stubborn or selfish in his eyes but I was trying to set us up to succeed and make some lovely memories. In my view I did nothing wrong. In his view it was disrespectful.
AIBU?