DP/DH “doesn’t hear the baby” is not good enough?

[Mymindisnotmyown]

I’ve seen it on here time and time again that mums do every night wake because DP sleeps like a log and doesn’t hear the baby?

Well here is what you do - it’s simple really!

1. Put the baby monitor on his side of the bed on full blast volume. Ours is very loud and we only have it on low and it still wakes us up.

1. Ask DP - if I get ran over by a bus and you are the sole carer of the baby, will you be ignoring it then?

1. If 1 and 2 don’t work, make DP a little bed to sleep in, in the babys room, as surely he will hear it then!

Disclaimer - I did most night wakes on mat leave but now we’re both back at work it’s even Stevens thank you very much.

I don't get it either OP. If you both have to be up in the morning for work then getting up in the night is shared equally. If DH pretended not to hear I'd be elbowing him in the ribs and telling him it was his turn to get up. Some women like being martyrs though.

Some women like being martyrs though.

Sometimes when you're sleep deprived and shattered you don't have the energy for the inevitable row though.

Some men do take the piss. from 'I don't hear' or 'My job is too important to have interrupted sleep' and everything in between.

I'm always reminded of the film Jack and Sarah when he just had to get on with it as the mum wasn't around anymore. When you know if you ignore something, someone else will pick up the slack, it's too easy not to step up.

I 100% agree with you OP it absolutely should be equally shared.

However dp and i decided years ago to split the night waking by him getting up with the girls and me getting up with our son (hes autistic and wakes multiple times a night but wont resettle for DP) i genuinely dont hear the girls when they wake if DP is here its like ive somehow managed to switch my brain to only hear the child im responsible for getting up with. If DP isnt here i wake to any child that needs me. It does make me wonder if all these husbands who say they dont hear the baby genuinely dont. That said a knee or elbow in the ribs should help them get up and take a turn.

If the baby is in your bedroom, you wake up to kick him out of bed, then go back to sleep. You do this even if you won’t go back to sleep becasue it’s like toilet training, the painful training period and then they realise they aren’t getting away with it and they learn. You do not come on mumsnet and say you’re exhausted and resentful but there’s no point waking him once you’re up because you will struggle to get back to sleep.
And if you’re breastfeeding you still don’t have to do all nights. I’m bf but if I’ve been up for 1, 1.5 hours I wake Dh and go to sleep. He pretty much always settles baby, if he couldn’t he’d wake me again in about 45 mins.

@smilingthroughgrittedteeth

I 100% agree with you OP it absolutely should be equally shared.

However dp and i decided years ago to split the night waking by him getting up with the girls and me getting up with our son (hes autistic and wakes multiple times a night but wont resettle for DP) i genuinely dont hear the girls when they wake if DP is here its like ive somehow managed to switch my brain to only hear the child im responsible for getting up with. If DP isnt here i wake to any child that needs me. It does make me wonder if all these husbands who say they dont hear the baby genuinely dont. That said a knee or elbow in the ribs should help them get up and take a turn.

I agree they don’t hear it, but if you went away for an night they would, they need to retrain their brain. It’s not difficult either. My brain retrains once my babies are toddlers so sometimes they’ve woken and come in and Dh has dealt with it and I know nothing about it.

Agree with all of the above comment.

Luckily DP is very fair but he does tend to sleep much deeper and better than me but still does get up. I have been known to do the odd soft kick though “oops” sorry just stretching!!!

I came on here to suggest just putting the baby monitor on their pillow at full whack.

I don’t really get how DH sleeps through DS as I think DS could wake the dead, but to be honest when DS wakes I just want to be able to go back to sleep asap. And I don’t want DS getting more distressed.

DH once slept through an actual bomb going off... in fact a whole battle... some people do sleep deeper than others.

He did wake with a gentle kick though... and once we had DD2 he dealt with DD1 at night while I did DD2 (breastfeeding).

I always thought DH carried off the sleeping prize as he slept through a wall of the house being demolished once, and has dozed off in a police car with blues and two's on, but @Aroundtheworldin80moves has gone one better.

My DH wakes up when the baby cries but about 30 seconds after me - so I’ve already shot out of bed anyway! He does the dream feed so it works out fine. He says he likes feeding him. Maybe it just depends on the bloke?

My DM has slept through a tornado and an earthquake. Apparently it was the other way around with my parents. My DM just wouldn't wake and and my DF had to get up every night because he couldn't wake her.

DH genuinely doesn't wake up to the sounds of waking babies or toddlers. He does wake when I poke him in the ribs though, so no problem as he is then awake and able to get up for his turn.

It makes no sense to me. A jag in the ribs and a reminder to get up quicker so they don’t wake me, is what l would be doing. If it wasn’t my turn to get up. But yeah the martyrs do love it! A friend of mine has got up every single night with their 2 children. Her husbands job is “too important”. Reality is hers is more responsible and she earns more

People have different lives.

I do all the night wakings. Not a martyr, just what's right for my family.

BIL can sleep Through anything my sister used to hoover round the bed when he was on nights and even wallpapered to chimney breast and he never woke .

Fells a bit like blaming the woman for the man being a bit shit.

Scientific fact a baby crying isn't even in the top 10 of things that can wake a man. Something to do with the sound frequency..

It's usually my DH who wakes up to the kids lately as I literally don't hear them anymore ! Once my head hits that pillow I'm OUT

I agree with you.

BUT

When you get in the habit of tuning out the sound (because someone else has always dealt with it) then you genuinely don’t hear it, and have to almost train yourself to hear it again.

This might sound like an excuse my husband gave me but actually it was me that habitually slept through the baby crying as I went back to work full time and he was a SAHD.

Surely this depends on the situation?

I do all the night wakings now at 7 months because my baby is breastfed and falls asleep at the boob and we co-sleep so there's no help needed to settle her down.
In the early days though when she was waking constantly through the night I'd wake him up at points when I couldn't settle her (hadn't started co-sleeping then) and was knackered so I could go back to sleep for a bit while he soothed her or if she needed changed, basically I did the night feeds and he did the changes.

Me and husband split all night wakings even while on I’m on maternity leave but even so - he the sound of either the baby or the toddler just cannot wake him - never has. However I only have to whisper his name for him to be jumping out of bed and on his way to them. Very peculiar phenomenon but one we’ve managed to work around.

It’s nonsense.

DH is partially deaf and doesn’t wear his hearing aids to sleep as they charge overnight…. but he knows that if I shove him it means it’s his turn to get up for one of the kids. He just says “which one?” and I point in the direction of the right room.

If I’m away he leaves our door ajar and monitor on full blast right by his pillow.

Not hearing is no excuse!

There's always women making excuses for them and that's the real problem. Before having kids I slept through a wall getting knocked down. Now I have them, I sleep a lot lighter unless I'm ill and have taken meds. So many women will have the partner sleep in the other room since there's no point of them both being awake but I think getting disturbed a little would be a good thing in that they would see or hear how many wake ups the other parent has to do on a typical night and have more empathy. It's also the notion that whilst on mat leave they should do all wake ups at night and everything for baby but then the other chores aren't shared and it all gets too much.

I'm on a group for women that have had babies at the same time as me and so many of them have said their mental health is shot and the one thing they all have in common is that their partner doesn't help either with the baby or anything else. Some of these women have had their second child and I can't help but think why they are so idiotic. So often they will post about feckless Dave and laugh it off, with a bunch of other posters chiming in that men just don't get it and a bunch of other nonense that excuses crappy behaviour. I've learnt to avoid such posts because if you aren't going to talk and try to change things what's the point in ranting every few weeks?

If doing night wake ups every night works for your family then fair enough.

Usually since I stopped breastfeeding at 9 months my DH is the one to wake up. If you’re not currently breastfeeding I strongly suggest going on a business trip for a few nights, worked great for me.