DP/DH “doesn’t hear the baby” is not good enough?

[Mymindisnotmyown]

I’ve seen it on here time and time again that mums do every night wake because DP sleeps like a log and doesn’t hear the baby?

Well here is what you do - it’s simple really!

1. Put the baby monitor on his side of the bed on full blast volume. Ours is very loud and we only have it on low and it still wakes us up.

1. Ask DP - if I get ran over by a bus and you are the sole carer of the baby, will you be ignoring it then?

1. If 1 and 2 don’t work, make DP a little bed to sleep in, in the babys room, as surely he will hear it then!

Disclaimer - I did most night wakes on mat leave but now we’re both back at work it’s even Stevens thank you very much.

I put YABU because I think not hearing the baby is different from not being willing to find solutions to getting up in the night, and your title isn't reasonable.

My DP genuinely did not hear DD until DD was screaming the place down. By which time it would take ages to soothe her again. By contrast, I heard her much earlier and it was much, much, much easier to get her back to sleep or pop a bottle in her mouth quickly, before she got into a total state and wouldn't take it.

Usually, the thing that woke DP was me, in a sleep-deprived state, grabbing a whimpering baby off the cot and forgetting the damn angel care thing DP insisted we needed to tell she was still breathing.

I think hearing the baby has to do with who does most of the night wake-ups during the very, very early days. Usually, that is the mum who's just given birth, but it doesn't have to be. Ideally it ought to be both parents, as both will then learn to sleep lightly and listen. For us it couldn't be both parents as DP was on morphine for a fair while after DD was born.

• I shouldn't say 'couldn't be' as I know many mums have to cope with broken sleep on morphine and all sorts - I mean, it didn't seem the humane option at the time.

I've always had amazing hearing. I used to have trouble sleeping too. When the kids were tiny, I dropped off instantly but would wake at a pin drop.

You can tell which teachers have had children of our own, when we do residentials- we're usually up at the first creak of a door at 2am or a furious, whispered argument at 3am.

I agree @Mymindisnotmyown

I told my dh that Wo any doubt the reason he didn’t hear was because he didn’t feel responsible for getting up. But that, if he knew he had to the one getting up (eg He is on his own) then I was sure he would.
Took him about 2 nights to hear the dc and get up.

Well I did the night feeds because
Exh slept in another room - on purpose
If he did hear the dc crying he’d get angry and shout - not helpful because then we’re all awake
Said crying baby would get thrown in my direction to ‘get sorted’

Way easier to just get up myself

He’s long divorced now

Yes @SarahAndQuack you’re right.

The person waking is the ine who does most or all of the nights - because they KNOW they’ll have to get up. They don’t expect someone else to do it.

I’m pretty sure that all this men ‘who take ages to wake up’ and then have a really upset baby that ages to go back to sleep would wake up much more quickly if they were the ones who actually had to do the calming down…. I know because I’ve always slept very deeply. I’ve been known to fall asleep in a nightclub next to the speakers fgs. But I still heard my dcs during the night. Always. Even when I was exhausted. Even when I was ill as needed the sleep.

@TheNameOfTheRoses

Yes *@SarahAndQuack* you’re right.

The person waking is the ine who does most or all of the nights - because they KNOW they’ll have to get up. They don’t expect someone else to do it.

I’m pretty sure that all this men ‘who take ages to wake up’ and then have a really upset baby that ages to go back to sleep would wake up much more quickly if they were the ones who actually had to do the calming down…. I know because I’ve always slept very deeply. I’ve been known to fall asleep in a nightclub next to the speakers fgs. But I still heard my dcs during the night. Always. Even when I was exhausted. Even when I was ill as needed the sleep.

I think it's also that, once you trigger that human-parent mechanism where you know a baby whimpering will very soon be a baby becoming frantic, you become frantic too. And delays that feel very trivial to other sleeping people, feel almost physically painful to you.

And once you get it it doesn't go away! You're that person in the cafe whose nerves go on high alert because you can hear a baby making the dreaded very quiet threat noise that foreshadows the WAILING OF DOOM.

Yup. DH is a much deeper sleeper than me so I often have to wake him when it's his shift. He's often grumpy in the night but in the cold light of day tells me to wake him and agrees I'm doing the right thing. Cos, y'know, not an asshole. Sure sometimes I'm awake but nicer to be dozing in bed on my phone than pacing the floor with an unhappy teething toddler (which is what DH is currently doing).

Well aren't you holier than thou!?

There is clear research to show that men wake to a baby's cries exactly the same as a woman does. They just don't actually get up. "I just don't wake" is one if the most pathetic things I think a man can say tbh.

@SpringsSprung

Well aren't you holier than thou!?

Is that aimed at me? Thanks!

@Favourodds

People have different lives.

I do all the night wakings. Not a martyr, just what's right for my family.

That was me, there was no point in OH getting up, he couldn't feed them, could he? I actually enjoyed the 2am feeds, I would wake a bit before she did, make a coffee, put World Service on the radio then go and get baby.

@Stompythedinosaur

There is clear research to show that men wake to a baby's cries exactly the same as a woman does. They just don't actually get up. "I just don't wake" is one if the most pathetic things I think a man can say tbh.

That's really interesting - could you link? (I'm really keen for research that'd indicate it's not gendered - or even, not biological - so please don't think I am being snide; I'm being genuine).

@Mymindisnotmyown

I’ve seen it on here time and time again that mums do every night wake because DP sleeps like a log and doesn’t hear the baby?

Well here is what you do - it’s simple really!

1. Put the baby monitor on his side of the bed on full blast volume. Ours is very loud and we only have it on low and it still wakes us up.

1. Ask DP - if I get ran over by a bus and you are the sole carer of the baby, will you be ignoring it then?

1. If 1 and 2 don’t work, make DP a little bed to sleep in, in the babys room, as surely he will hear it then!

Disclaimer - I did most night wakes on mat leave but now we’re both back at work it’s even Stevens thank you very much.

DD was in our room so equal distance to her and noise level. He didn't hear her most nights. He just kept snoring away through her wailing. Yes I wanted to smother him in his sleep. However it was pointless waiting for him to get up because 1.I was already awake 2.I just laid there seething 3. even when I did poke him,shove him and he got up, by the time he got to her and fed /changed her she was hysterical and I was wide awake. The lucky bastard can and has slept through car alarms through open windows,a fire alarm,me unclogging the drier filter, any other random noises and incidents and we're in a tiny shoe box flat. I wake up when the boiler turns on.

Yes it was crap and he was useless. He knows and admits it .I also told him. Tbf after a while he got ejected to the sofa and me and DD coslept and we both got more sleep, feeding/changing was easier etc.

We did shifts, he is a natural night owl whilst I'm a lark so I used to go to bed around 9:30, he did any waking up until 2am, I'd do 2 till.6:30.
That way we both had a chunk of unbroken sleep, funnily enough he could hear the baby no problem, because he didn't use his penis as an excuse to not hear his own child(ren)

You missed Point 4 - push him out when it is his turn and he hasn't moved.

Our father was always the one who got out to the children in the night. Never mother. He always did breakfast and the school run for a number of years.
My parents married in 1957.
I would suggest that if you really want children you muck in.

I can only think of two decent reasons for one parent not to do the night wakenings:

1. Unicorn baby who literally just wakes for a breastfeed and goes straight back over (I've never known a baby like this but I'm sure they do exist).

1. Serious medical condition that means loss of sleep could have serious consequences.

Otherwise, you take turns and split it broadly equally. Anyone who can allow their partner do all night wakenings while they continue to get a full night's sleep night after night is, indeed,a dick.

I went away for a hen weekend and left DH with a 1 year old( just weaned off breast week before) 3 year old and 4 year old. I was gone 3 nights. On my return he swore they had all slept through and he had heard nothing. I suspect he had done some sleep training inadvertantly because they all slept much better on my return😀😀

@TibetanTerrah

Some women like being martyrs though.

Sometimes when you're sleep deprived and shattered you don't have the energy for the inevitable row though.

Some men do take the piss. from 'I don't hear' or 'My job is too important to have interrupted sleep' and everything in between.

I'm always reminded of the film Jack and Sarah when he just had to get on with it as the mum wasn't around anymore. When you know if you ignore something, someone else will pick up the slack, it's too easy not to step up.

This. Very few women like being martyrs.

@Bloatstoat

DH genuinely doesn't wake up to the sounds of waking babies or toddlers. He does wake when I poke him in the ribs though, so no problem as he is then awake and able to get up for his turn.

I had the same. I once, with dd2 who had a cry about the volume of an air raid siren, put her mouth next to his ear. He vaguely stirred but didn't wake.

He didn't do night wakings normally, if nothing else I breastfed so it seemed silly for him to get up, change the nappy etc and then me to have to get up too. However occasionally when they were ill or they'd woken more than normal a finger in the ribs woke him and he'd take over.
I was also told that apparently breastfeeding means that you sleep lighter and wake to the baby easier. it certainly worked with me, when nothing would wake me before.

When they were older he was brilliant and getting up with them when they'd thrown up all over the bed. He'd bath them, bring them to cuddle with me in bed, and change the sheets, put the sheets to wash and then settle them back in bed (or go to sleep in their bed if that seemed a better idea).

I watched some pop science program a while ago that said that mum's brains fundamentally changed when they had a baby and they never slept deeply again (great ). If mum wasn't around for some reason though, the dad's brain made the same change.

It didn't explicitly say this, but clearly it just comes down to the person knowing that it is ultimately their responsibility. If you know that someone else will always be there to deal then your brain just won't do it.

DH very rarely woke when my DC were little and even if I nudged him he would mumble and then fall back to sleep within about 3 seconds. He also missed the sonic boom a couple of years ago that shook the house. Most of the time.e I would deal with the babies/toddler/primary kid wake ups because at the time I was a SAHM. If both were awake at once I would wake him properly and get him to take one child.
But .. and this is the infuriating part he (several years later) proclaims he is a very light sleeper.when I protest he absolutely is not, he won't accept it!
I am a light sleeper and hear just about everything which is very annoying. The only time I used to sleep well was when we stayed at my IL and I think it was because subconsciously I knew there were extra people around that would be awake early with the DC.