Child doesn't seem to like nanny?

[AdifferentGoat]

Simple as that. My child is approx one and a half years old and protests when nanny takes over so I can head to work. For context, I have unusual hours so a nanny fits in better as opposed to nursery (for now).

I really like our nanny, she has a ton of experience but is also very caring. She's older as far as nannies go and she was honest in the interview and stated this had been a problem when she was interviewing. Age wasn't a problem for me and I liked her immediately. But the constant howling from DD irks me and I do feel bad for nanny as well.

From my end, I stay out of nanny's hair when I'm working from home and I trust her to do her job without interference from me. We will talk and sometimes she'll make suggestions or vice versa - in essence we have a good relationship.

DD is my first child so I'm a bit new to ' each age' it happens. In interests of avoiding dripfeeds, nanny has been with us for around eight months (give or take a month).

I don't know what I'm asking her but is it normal for a child to protest this much? In fairness to nanny there are times DD is happy with her but approx 70% of the time, DD gets upset when nanny is around. Could it be DD is protesting as knows nanny taking over means mummy is leaving? I don't know. She has given me no reason to distrust her.

In my experience, this is absolutely how it is when both mum and childcare are in the house. I don’t have an experience with nannies but my sister has a friend who looks after her 2y2m daughter and she cries as soon as she comes in the door even when it’s just a social visit. It’s one of the advantages of nursery - mum is out of sight and out of mind for the children and they settle quickly each day and eventually aren’t unsettled at all (for lots of kids). Other kids are just more attached to mummy. I find that my son is happier to go to nursery when I’ve spent quality time with him in the Eve or morning and when this isn’t possible he’s much more clingy.

To add to above, I can see it hurts nanny's feelings too (DD is vocal with her NO). I have tried to help them bond but having nanny give her treats and I talk well of her to DD. DD also sees that nanny and I have a warm relationship so I'm stumped!

I'd not be comfortable leaving my DD with her, sorry.
How is your dd with other wider family members/friends?
Is she like this with other people?
You and nanny may have a good relationship but the reason you've employed her is to look after your dd and it isn't working out well.
I may like the woman but I'd not feel comfortable knowing my DD was unhappy and at an age where she can't really tell me why.
Eight months is a long time and your dd should really have formed a relationship with her by now.
If it was a couple of weeks then, yes, understandable- but it's been nearly half of your dd's lifetime that this woman has been with you.
What does nanny say about your dd's relationship with her?
I think if I'd been looking after your dd all these months and we were still having issues I'd have come to you and maybe said something about this not working out.
It can't be pleasant for her.

In my experience it's very hard to have a parent working from home for exactly this reason,it's confusing for the child.

My eldest son has care of my DGD 2 days a week whilst my DIL works from home she is just fine on the days she may have to go to the office and does not "perform" but when mummy is at home she cries for her constantly as she knows mummy is upstairs working.
I think if you worked out of the home she would not be stressed I can't see any fault in your choice of nanny,as your little one gets older and into more interesting activities things may ease for the little one.

It's entirely normal. I was never a nanny but was a nursery nurse for a long time. A lot of babies and young children don't like to leave their parents and have the carer take over.

Like others have said, it will be made more confusing by having you working from home but I really wouldn't worry.

Speaking as a nanny this was not uncommon atall. I had a great relationship with the children and made their day as happy and enjoyable as I could. Some were really pleased to see me others cried not because they didn't like me but they knew their mum was leaving. She knows you are in the house aswell so that will be harder for her to accept you arnt looking after her. If you went out the door I'm sure if she's a good nanny it would only be a few minutes of tears. Encourage the nanny to take her out and do lots of things outside the home that will help

Small children have hierarchies of the people around them and mum is usually number 1. If she's in the vicinity and not paying them attention then they'll make a fuss.

It might pass but if not I'd try nursery for that reason.

Assuming that she settles during the day and is happy and engaging with nanny you could try putting her in her pushchair and taking her outside the house for the handover and keeping your goodbye brief and airy. Then nanny can go straight to do something nice. If you are worried at handover time your child will pick up on this and handover gets long drawn out. It can also be stressful for the child to watch mummy leave, which she will now be anticipating each time nanny visits, this approach could avoid this. Then you need to make sure you are invisible, perhaps work outside the home for a few weeks while things settle. In my experience once they know mummy is around they, quite naturally, want to see her and will do whatever it takes to get her to respond to them. If you don't have any other concerns about the nanny it might be worth a try.
Also very clear language about what's going to happen next so the child is prepared for the handover.

My DD used to scream and cry when the nanny was about to leave…..made me feel really awful! Usually lasted about 20 seconds once the door was closed.

Children dislike change from one carer to the next. Home working/variable routines make it more challenging as the transition is not as predictable.

Abused and mistreated children do not usually protest in this way.

I would say its unusual if its often given how long your child has known nanny and how young they were when they met them. But how unusual are your hours? Is there a routine or it different times/days. Can you (or do you) work out of the home some of the time. WFH with small children and a nanny, even a settled long term one is very hard as we found out post lockdown 1 - when we were still wfh but nanny was back. We mutually moved to nursery, DS wasn't upset but he and she were bored - which was partially to do with restrictions/ his age / too many people in too small a space.

If you're WFH, does DD know or do you do the "bye bye, Mommy's off now" then slope off upstairs? Is she still upset once she knows you've gone?
What does Nanny say about how she is when you're not there?
How is she when you get home? Will she happily hug Nanny goodbye etc?

Thanks everyone. I think it's a combination of knowing I'm working from home at times and just usual separation anxiety. I'll try and head out more and hopefully that helps. I usually do leave but as one poster said, I'll keep it airy vs prolonged goodbye. I just thought approx eight months would be enough for DD to be settled with nanny? The tears as I leave I understand but she says mummy a lot when I'm gone too. Nanny has let me know this: DD constantly says mummy. This comforts me in the sense that nanny is open but similarly I worry (I really don't think nanny is to "blame" here) that could it be DD isn't bonding with nanny?

DD is starting nursery soon but I'll need nanny for certain evenings if I travel or have late calls. Thank you everyone.

How unusual are your hours? Is Nanny having to do bedtime or wake ups etc?

My DS - now 21 - cried everyday when I left for work from 10 months to 3 years old. It was just a protest vote. He was absolutely fine with her when I'd gone - I knew the nanny was doing a good job as I had an older DD who could talk to me.

When I did work at home (very rare in those days - only used for snow days), I left by the front door and sneaked back in through the back door ! The nanny was grateful for this as neither of us wanted him playing us against each other.

During lockdown I tried to work from home while his dad (on furlough) tried to look after the baby who was about the same age. Because I was in the same house he mostly screamed for me the whole time.
It's not necessarily anything to do with the nanny at all- my baby did like his dad just he didn't understand why I was there but not paying him attention.

How is your daughter if nanny takes her out somewhere? I agree with the people who say it might help if she goes somewhere else with nanny as your daughter will associate home with you.

My 1 year old cries when DH leaves the house to go to work.
He also cries when I drop him off at my mum’s. He loves going there, he smiles as soon as he sees the house, it’s just the act of being left that’s upsetting I think.

I keep it really brief - a quick wave and bye bye I’m going.

This would be worrying for me. Do you think the nanny is abusing the child? I would pay attention to what your child is trying to tell you, as they cannot speak. They are telling you something is wrong. They are not comfortable with the nanny, there is a reason your child acts that way. Trust and believe your child.

I’ve no experience with my own children and nannies, but my oldest has been at nursery for 18 months and still sometimes cries at drop off. I have absolutely no concerns about his welfare and happiness at nursery. I think transitions from one carer to another can be hard for them.

My parents had a nanny for me when I was a pre-schooler. She was a lovely, lovely person and I have fond memories of being with her (I’m still in touch with her more than 30 years after she stopped looking after me, and she came to my wedding!) My mum still says that when she handed me over to the nanny I used to scream and cry for Mummy. Apparently I did the same in reverse when my mum came home and the nanny left.

So in isolation the crying wouldn’t worry me at all. Is there anything else that concerns you?

I used to babysit 2 children and the younger one did this (from 1 year old) as soon as she saw me. I found it quite upsetting as older child was fine and loved it when I came over.

I work in a nursery so I see the separation anxiety and also bonding process a lot. I would say it's a combination of individual children and the warmth of the practitioner. I've never noticed 'character clash' between a child and adult, especially at such a young age. If the nanny is a warm person generally then I think it's more separation anxiety/ individual child. Some children I work with take ages to settle down so there are very clear differences in children. The ones who take longer are either more introverted/ sensitive or more stubborn! You can see their personalities come out later on as they are often with us for a couple of years!

There are good suggestions on the thread for helping separation anxiety. Happy times before you go, quick goodbyes and leaving the house now wfh. Ask nanny how long it takes her to calm down after this is implemented.

Hi I have a nanny and WFH some days. Although my little boy (14 months) cries initally when I leave to go to work in a separate room he soon settles (sometimes I can hear that he has stopped crying within 1-2minutes, sometimes it takes longer esp if he is unwell or teething, but he does always settle relatively quickly). If he spots me during the day (which we avoid due to this) he will get upset again as he has a preference for me (as all securely attached babies will to their primary caregiver). Often when I reappear at the end of the day he cries for me to pick him up, and typically wants a breastfeed. He doesn't cry when the nanny arrives and if we are both in the room he is happy to play with her (but becomes clingy and upset if he sees me moving to leave). I keep the goodbye short and positive (not easy I know). My nanny sends me videos during the day and I can see that he is happy and settled with her, busy doing activites (she takes him out a lot which works well for us as my boy is very active and energetic, she has a strong work ethic and likes doing different things to keep work life interesting and it allows me to work in peace). I also have friends who attend the same baby groups as her so get informal feedback this way also which is helpful and reassuring. There are days he is unsettled- if he is unwell or teething, which she always tells me about, and likely he would be the same with me (except I can provide additional comfort through breastfeeding) but the majority of the time he is happy and settled. If your DD is not settled with her during the day when you are not around 70% of the time I would query her attachment with her and why this hasn't happened. What does the nanny do to distract her? How does she provide reassurance and comfort? Is there any reason your DD might struggle to form an attachment with another adult?

It sounds entirely normal to me. They just don't like the moment of transition of care. My now 4yo still sometimes acts like this at handover if he's clingy/under the weather, and he adores our nanny, who he's known literally since he was born.

I’ve been. In childcare for over 30yrs. As a nanny and maternity nurse

Totally normal

This is why nannies hate having parents around

Obv covid has changed many nannies working life

We don’t behave any different but the child does

She knows mummy is there or leaving

I think it’s odd given how long this has been the childcare situation and your child’s age at the time the nanny started. How many hours do you work? Because for 70% of that time you have an unhappy child and unless you do a very small number of hours, that’s a large amount of time.

The fact that it's been 8 months is the worrying part for me. A good nanny should probably have developed a good relationship by then, like a grandparent.

My DD is a similar age to yours and is very clingy, nursery and others have commented how clingy she is to me and dh. She cries at drop off. However, they say she settles quickly once we're gone. Also, we've had a babysitter when I've had to do some extra wfh. She cries as I disappear but I can hear from the study that she's playing happily. I sometimes peer through the living room window (the internal door has glass in it) while I'm on a break and I can see they're having a whale of a time, playing hide and seek, riding the babysitter's back etc. Physical play, reading, toys etc. Dd has only seen this babysitter a couple of times and both times it's been great.

Maybe your nanny just isn't the right fit