Child doesn't seem to like nanny?

[AdifferentGoat]

Simple as that. My child is approx one and a half years old and protests when nanny takes over so I can head to work. For context, I have unusual hours so a nanny fits in better as opposed to nursery (for now).

I really like our nanny, she has a ton of experience but is also very caring. She's older as far as nannies go and she was honest in the interview and stated this had been a problem when she was interviewing. Age wasn't a problem for me and I liked her immediately. But the constant howling from DD irks me and I do feel bad for nanny as well.

From my end, I stay out of nanny's hair when I'm working from home and I trust her to do her job without interference from me. We will talk and sometimes she'll make suggestions or vice versa - in essence we have a good relationship.

DD is my first child so I'm a bit new to ' each age' it happens. In interests of avoiding dripfeeds, nanny has been with us for around eight months (give or take a month).

I don't know what I'm asking her but is it normal for a child to protest this much? In fairness to nanny there are times DD is happy with her but approx 70% of the time, DD gets upset when nanny is around. Could it be DD is protesting as knows nanny taking over means mummy is leaving? I don't know. She has given me no reason to distrust her.

I don't think it's her age necessarily but is she fun? My mum and MIL are both very fun with dd when they see her- extremely hands on, over the top whooping and singing and games. As a result my dd lights up when she sees them, even on a video call. They can also do quiet play (esp if I remind them to lol!). My dd is very suspicious of strangers and new people but has absolutely bonded with her grandmas and she's seen them way less than you've had your nanny. It could be that your nanny just isn't that fun, she's too passive or unengaging. Whatever the reason anyway, I'd say she's just not the right fit and I'd look for another

Hi all, thank you very much for input. Will try and respond to all the great points that were raised:

I really like this lady and I think she is honest and a good person but upon reflection it could be that she's not "fun" as one of the posters mentioned. DD loves playing and nanny while such a kind person isn't creative. She'll "chat" with DD and take her to the park but aside from that, not much is done. I didn't think it was too much of a problem as DD is under two but whenever DD and I are together, she loves "reading" and messy play etc...I'm wondering if she doesn't associate nanny with fun?

Again I don't want to be pedantic about this but as another poster mentioned, DD seems quite disgruntled in that she calls for mummy quite often when I'm not there. Nanny let me know this so I know that she's not "hiding" anything at least. I suppose I didn't know what is normal re how she should be around nanny when I'm not there. In fairness there are times (certainly when they are at the park) that DD is happy but it's the times she's home with nanny that DD calls out for me? I think I'll encourage nanny to get more "handsy" with games as DD is VERY active and not one to sit quietly.

I work during the work week but finish relatively early at 3 or so BUT that will be changing soon. Often I'll have last calls so I need nanny's help to put her down twice a week. I'll see how the next month or so goes. Again, I'm not blaming nanny at all and understand it's not fun especially if parents are around. I have left DD at supervised playgroups before and she seemed fine for the first two hours so I suppose I'm just confused as to why she resists nanny even when I'm not there! Hand on heart I can say with full confirmation that nanny is amazing as a human being but maybe she's not suited for a very active toddler...it's hard to say. I'll try all the suggestions for now and see how it goes for the next month. Thanks again.

Yeah, we have a great, also older nanny and mostly wfh. She ended up politely suggesting we 'leave' the house and then sneak back in. Stops the howling

After a week or so the oldest just seemed to work out that's how it is. A couple of days at nursery helped too imho - he realized there are more people in the world and our nanny isn't a bad option!

My guess is that it would be the same situation even if Mary Poppins herself was looking after her. It's annoying, but all they ever want is mum!
Hope you can resolve the situation soon OP - it's a tricky one for sure

Being around really undermines the relationship children form with their nanny.

Could you work from an office for a few weeks to let them get into a rhythm and then phase back into wfh?

I wfh and the office with a nanny at home, but she's been with us since before the pandemic so they are in a routine and very bonded already.

My son would behave like this on handovers and if I was still home he’d try and make a beeline for me. He’s three and he’s only just going out of this phase.

But he was with a childminder who he didn’t warm to after 6 months, she actually suggested he was delayed because he didn’t engage with her. I was horrified as I’d had no idea he was having anything but a great time. I changed him to a nursery and he loved it and totally blossomed. I think he just didn’t gel with the childminder, I think she was a great childminder and it wasn’t anything she was doing, just for whatever reason he wasn’t comfortable with her.

So what I’m saying is yes, it can be normal and not indicative of how your child feels about her but also he might just not like her company.

This is totally normal. We have had our nanny for over 2 years - she’s fantastic and the children adore her. But even my 3.5 year old who does preschool 5 mornings a week got upset this week because I was at home and she was taking them to the playground and he wanted to stay at home with me (I’m a SAHM so he sees enough of me!!!) - she texted me 20 seconds after they left the house to say he was utterly happy and fine 😃

Of course your dd whines
Its because you are still there...

Sounds me to me like your DD needs more activity and distraction from the nanny, and that she has too much time to get bored and remember mummy! Toddlers need a lot of stimulation! My son's nanny spends a lot of time playing with him, taking him to different parks in the area and soft play, as well as baby groups. This all helps keep him occupied and entertained and engaged with the nanny and not thinking about mummy (until he sees me!).

Older nannies can be ace. We had one that had an entirely parallel universe of fairies living at the bottom of the garden. She would turn up with scraps of fabric that would be wings by the end of the day. Amazing.

Yours doesn’t sound great though. Bringing a young toddler to the park in a buggy is fine but it’s not hugely interactive. What is she doing at home? Is she setting up messy play? Allowing her to “wash up” plastic bowls? Guiding her in a game of dolls with cups and saucers? Reading and explaining books?
There’s a big difference between keeping a child safe and belong even develop.

• helping them develop, even

I think what is difficult is that you go "missing" or "unavailable" in DDs own home which is associated with her security and you.

If you were dropping her off elsewhere then that would be the "fun" place where she does stuff and she would know mummy was waiting for her at home. I wonder if it could be that for your DD.

Presumably due to lockdown DD has had a limited exposure to other people and places which may be making it more difficult. For 10 months you were her whole world and now you go missing and subconsciously that may remind of her when it first started happening and she was likely distressed.

Those are just my thoughts from DDs perspective.

If I saw DD2 when she was with the childminder she used to blank me completely and vice versa - 2 separate wolds in her mind!

Your nanny really should be planning activities for during the day! Reading and messy play are the absolute basics!

I’d gently suggest she sets up an activity before she leaves for the next morning so she has something interesting to grab dd attention with: something very simple like a cereal building site in a washing up bowl with some tractors and diggers in and a vehicle book?

She'll "chat" with DD and take her to the park but aside from that, not much is done

Sorry but I think that's really poor, you're probably paying a lot of money and your child is not being mentally stimulated, look at the early years curriculum and see what the nursery would be expected to be doing with her at that age. What two year old wants to just chat with an adult all day?

Classic separation anxiety which is probably not being helped because you are working from home & your child knows this. Re length of time, I work in early years & currently a huge part of the conversation among colleagues is the effect that lockdowns & lack of socialisation even with own family members is having upon young children......this is translating for many into a prolonged & more traumatic separation anxiety for children & for some it is taking many months before they stop crying when leaving main caregivers. TBH moving to nursery or changing nanny is not likely to help....the child will be back to the start & need to settle/trust yet another person.

I WFH when my dc were small, totally normal - so long as they knew I was there they would play up.

Routine helps as well- working different hours isn't great for little ones who need consistency

@Childof70s

Classic separation anxiety which is probably not being helped because you are working from home & your child knows this. Re length of time, I work in early years & currently a huge part of the conversation among colleagues is the effect that lockdowns & lack of socialisation even with own family members is having upon young children......this is translating for many into a prolonged & more traumatic separation anxiety for children & for some it is taking many months before they stop crying when leaving main caregivers. TBH moving to nursery or changing nanny is not likely to help....the child will be back to the start & need to settle/trust yet another person.

Yes, if she's starting nursery, definitely don't change nanny as well. I would ask nanny to take her to few groups (ticket groups, messy play, baby gym) to prep for nursery environment (generally quite loud, lots of sensory stimuli). If you choose them and sign up, nanny can take her, at least 2-3 per week. Does nanny play toys with her, sing songs and rhymes. Again, you could download nursery rhymes if nanny isn't confident to do it and show her to how to play them. I know she should be thinking of these things but I'd say it's a bit late now to change her if baby is going to nursery soon. A familiar face to put her to bed will be more valuable than changing nanny now.

Ticket groups= play groups!

She'll "chat" with DD and take her to the park but aside from that, not much is done.

Sorry, she doesn't sound like a very good nanny. Here is what P, the amazing babysitter we've had, will do in a 3 hour babysitting session with my 1.5yo DD:

Play hide and seek with DD
Play ride on her back like a horse
Read a gazillion peppa pig picture books (DD: "More!")
Play "one two three whoop" - I'm not completely clear what this game involves, something like pretending your hand is an aeroplane, but DD will be going "nah nah nah whoop" literally all evening afterwards
Play with glove puppets
Play bowling with soft skittles

When I have Dd on my days off, some more activities we do:
Play with safe cooking utensils on the floor eg a pan, wooden spoons, sieve while I'm doing real cooking
Put rice flakes or rice crispies in a trough and practise pouring them from one container to another (messy play without the stains!)
"Yoga" on the playmat
Hide the dinosaur (she closes her eyes while I hide it behind a plant pot etc)
Dance to music, reggae is a recent favourite
Plus hide and seek and ride on the back.

It really sounds like your nanny is a bit boring! You can't teach fun, I'd find another

@Mummy1608

She'll "chat" with DD and take her to the park but aside from that, not much is done.

Sorry, she doesn't sound like a very good nanny. Here is what P, the amazing babysitter we've had, will do in a 3 hour babysitting session with my 1.5yo DD:

Play hide and seek with DD
Play ride on her back like a horse
Read a gazillion peppa pig picture books (DD: "More!")
Play "one two three whoop" - I'm not completely clear what this game involves, something like pretending your hand is an aeroplane, but DD will be going "nah nah nah whoop" literally all evening afterwards
Play with glove puppets
Play bowling with soft skittles

When I have Dd on my days off, some more activities we do:
Play with safe cooking utensils on the floor eg a pan, wooden spoons, sieve while I'm doing real cooking
Put rice flakes or rice crispies in a trough and practise pouring them from one container to another (messy play without the stains!)
"Yoga" on the playmat
Hide the dinosaur (she closes her eyes while I hide it behind a plant pot etc)
Dance to music, reggae is a recent favourite
Plus hide and seek and ride on the back.

It really sounds like your nanny is a bit boring! You can't teach fun, I'd find another

Wow! I am shocked. Also can I move in??? When DD and I are together we do a lot of activities - also helps I missed my calling as an artist/actor ;-) Of course I encourage independent play but we certainly have lots of fun.

Our very sweet nanny doesn't do much. She keeps her safe and will take her to some playdates. She's not really creative to be honest. But what she lacks in creativity she makes up in just doting on her. She'll be starting nursery soon so I figure I'll keep her as finding someone trustworthy childminding(as needed) isn't the easiest. If DD wasn't starting nursery, I'd probably change her. I honestly think DD just needs more interaction and is bored. I'll see what I can do to encourage her to be more creative and see where that takes us. Thank you again and let me know when the waiting list at yours clears up ;-) DD and I are on standby!

Some children really do struggle with transitions. When my daughter started reception there were at least 5/6 in her class that were very upset every morning. One had to be carried in screaming by the TA each day but was fine as soon as he hit the classroom. She’s still very little and you being around won’t be helping.

If she’s starting nursery, hopefully she’ll get a good combination of more active play and then the 1:1 conversation/park time with the nanny. I think a mix between the high stimulation and more low key days is quite good.

Can she take her out to activities

We used to do

Gymboree or tumble tots
Swimming
Mother and toddlers
Music
Messy play

Some nannies are creative or crafty

I’m wasn’t

If someone gave me stuff and instructions I could

But my mind wouldn’t think let’s get abc snd made d

we had a nanny with DH wfh. the nanny would take DC out of the house everyday, sometimes 2 or 3 activities. e.g. library + playgroup + playground. they had meals and naps at home but being out the rest of the time meant there were plenty of activities and the kids didn't get bored.

your nanny certainly should be setting up lots of age appropriate activities and doing lots of trips out.

Omg please don’t listen to the posters saying this may be a sign of abuse. Your poor nanny. This is in my experience completely normal OP! We’ve had the same nanny for years and when my DD was 1 and I was leaving for work every day she would often cry: of course she did, she’s always going to prefer me or her dad to someone else. That doesn’t mean she didn’t settle after a few minutes or she doesn’t have a great bond with her now. If you feel the nanny is professional and caring, please don’t get stressed about this. Likely as not your child would be the same being dropped off at a nursery or a childminder. And likely as not they’ll grow out of it at some point .