Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

AIBU - in laws visit?

38 replies

Dipsydoodlenoodle · 08/04/2022 00:14

Am I being unreasonable?

For context, OH has Dd1 with his ex and dd2 with myself. Myself and OH do not live together.

His parents are visiting this weekend, the last few times they've come to mine on a Friday afternoon/evening which OH has been working (w@h - in his living room) and I've seen them Sunday. This time I've said I'm busy Friday so they can't come over (its not entirely a lie, but a slight stretch of the truth) and I'll just see them Sunday.

My reasonings, they just take so much effort to entertain, I can't get anything done when they are here, they leave late...dd2 is 4 months old and when she naps I cook or eat (or both if I'm lucky), I can't nip off and cook or eat when they are here (they get takeaway on a Friday so even offering them dinner is out of the question). They have dd1 on Saturday and dd2 (and me sunday). They travel 3.5 hours to get here, usually once per month - its what they've always done so no change of plans for me.

I'm just not sure I can deal with them on my own...comments on my parenting, comments on how much formula costs (it is the only financial thing her son contributes and its not all the time) and other little sly comments.

Am I being unreasonable for not wanting them to come over on Friday? (I was perfectly happy with my decision and my dad said I was being unreasonable - to be fair I can never do anything right by him either but that's another point). I'm more than happy to spend time with them and dd2 to have a relationship with them, but I'd prefer to do it with OH to burden the load).

Sorry, this just ended up me having a rant to myself!

OP posts:

HeddaGarbled · 08/04/2022 00:21

Why don’t they stay at your partner’s rather than yours?

Shinyandnew1 · 08/04/2022 00:26

@HeddaGarbled

Why don’t they stay at your partner’s rather than yours?

This.

NannyKrampus · 08/04/2022 00:29

Not your duty to entertain them, especially if you do not live with your partner. He needs to host his own family!

Alwayspaintyournails · 08/04/2022 00:35

Absolutely not unreasonable.
Now is a good time to set out your stall or you will be stuck with babysitting his parents long term.
Is there a reason why he only pays for formula occasionally? No maintenance?

HappyAsASandboy · 08/04/2022 00:36

You are not being unreasonable at all!

You're being a saint by hosting a (whole day?) visit on Sunday; I'd insist your DP host them on Sunday and you'll drop in for as long as you can manage.

You don't mention how old your DD is (although presumably still young as using some formula?)). If you're happy to leave her with your DP for a day, then I'd leave them all to it and have a rest day on Sunday!

BlueOverYellow · 08/04/2022 00:37

His parents, you don't live together. he isn't even pulling his weight financially ... let him put them up and deal with them. Tell him he can take his daughter round to see them for an hour or two and then return her. You can plan to catch up on sleep/reading/telly/gardening and have a break while he deals with them.

blinkler · 08/04/2022 00:52

That sounds absolutely awful for you- am completely on your side. However I have suddenly realised I am the mum of 3 boys who I may suddenly become that grandma, which from that perspective how do you play it best to be involved with the grandkids.

Chloemol · 08/04/2022 00:56

His parents, he entertains, so YANBU

Seeing them Sunday is enough

toomuchlaundry · 08/04/2022 00:58

Why don’t you and OH live together now you have a child together? Why doesn’t he contribute anything? But surely your in-laws stay with your OH and then visit you at your convenience

LittleOwl153 · 08/04/2022 00:59

No I don't think you are at all unreasonable. His parents he hosts them - even more sonas you don't actually live together. He's lucky you are offering Sunday - I hope he is hosting that and you are just visiting?

And yeah why is he only contributing to occasional formula- which he clearly has a problem with if his mum is nagging you about it... get onto the cms - he has it far to easy!

Blossomtoes · 08/04/2022 01:01

You don't mention how old your DD is

Four months.

GodspeedJune · 08/04/2022 01:20

Definitely NBU. Infact if you don’t have a good relationship with them then I’d leave it to him to deal with their visits.

HellToTheNope · 08/04/2022 01:29

Why do you have anything to do with this man whatsoever? He and his parents can fuck right off.

WinniesHunny · 08/04/2022 01:43

@blinkler

Raise your sons properly instead of them becoming arseholes who only pay for formula.

Weatherwax13 · 08/04/2022 01:49

YANBU. Bugger that.
Maybe don't use the "I'm busy" as you'll have to think of something else next time.
Time to say something like you're not doing evening visits with anyone from now on as it doesn't work for you and the baby.
No doubt everyone will carp on about it. But as PP said, now's the time to set out your stall.

lemongreentea · 08/04/2022 02:27

They can stay with their son. Yanbu

blinkler · 08/04/2022 03:03

@WinniesHunny what! What makes you think my kids aren't raised properly and I don't pay for formula? That wasn't my point at all. I hope I am doing a great job raising my boys

blinkler · 08/04/2022 03:09

@WinniesHunny I just meant at some point they're all going to have their own families and wives and I may become that over involved mother in law without realising not becaue I'm bringing my kids up badly, more that over time I need to back off 😭

Whooshaagh · 08/04/2022 03:25

[quote blinkler]@WinniesHunny I just meant at some point they're all going to have their own families and wives and I may become that over involved mother in law without realising not becaue I'm bringing my kids up badly, more that over time I need to back off 😭[/quote]
I’m a mil with dgc.
It’s really not difficult to keep your opinions to yourself if they’re going to upset your dc or their partners.
Just think of your own relationship with your mil if you have one.
Is it good or does she overstep?
Would you want to be like her and if not what would you do differently?

Totalwasteofpaper · 08/04/2022 04:21

My partner would not be my partner if all he did was sometimes buy formula....
He would be my babys dead beat father

Yanbu. I wouldn't host at all. Ever.

Let them meet at his...

AntarcticTern · 08/04/2022 04:24

YANBU at all! Next time be honest rather than telling a white lie. Tell your partner that it's his responsibility to entertain them, not yours.

EmiliaAirheart · 08/04/2022 04:28

Gosh, I thought you were going to say your OH was in prison or something, where he was physically unable to host them, give your practical and financial support with your child.

(Tbh, that would be enough of a red flag in and of itself…)

He’s not invested in your family and you don’t owe him shit.

His family should only be welcome to the extent that they’re helpful, supportive, and keen to build a relationship with you and your child.

You’re being taken for a mug, I’m afraid.

rolllan · 08/04/2022 04:30

@Whooshaagh that's what you need to be like. But can't always be easy xx

Thehundredthnamechange · 08/04/2022 04:46

All he does is occasionally buy formula, and he doesn't live with you so contribute in other ways? I'd not be with this deadbeat at all, let alone welcome, host and entertain his parents in MY home? I'd not let them come round at all! Why are you being such a pushover and having such low standards in what is acceptable? He can host and entertain his own bloody parents at the VERY least.

REignbow · 08/04/2022 15:55

If he is WFH, he can entertain his own parents!

Why is he only contributing so little for his child? Why are you so passive about it?

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread