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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DH to leave over his drinking

43 replies

SadLittleLife · 07/04/2022 23:41

I know the answer already but please just don't respond with LTB as its just not that simple.
We've been married 23 years, have two DS, 15 and 17, eldest doing A Levels this year to start uni in September.
Looking back DH was always a big drinker and a binge drinker. When not drinking he's articulate, smart, funny. Drunk he's horrible and I know instantly if he's had a drink. It affects him badly, makes him moody, argumentative and after only a small amount, he will slur his words, etc.
He's never been violent but is verbally aggressive and an entirely different character when drinking.
I like a drink, I love a glass of wine but not in DHs company. I see couples out enjoying a drink on a sunny day,etc and we never have that; if he has one drink, I'm immediately on edge.
Over the years I've found him drinking secretly, empty wine bottles and cans hidden in garage. Each time it has caused massive row and last time I said that was enough, he had to leave.
It all came to a head over a year ago when I found him drunk at his desk at home and an empty wine bottle stashed I his laptop bag with another in a cupboard. I was devastated. Never seen him so drunk. He was trying to log on to his laptop and couldn't type.
He went to bed after I found him slumped at desk and then at around 11pm that night, woke up to find him peeing in a corner of our bedroom.
Told him to leave, he was back all contrite after day or so and since then has claimed not to drink at all. I think he hasn't until recently when I've had a few suspicions and today I found a small empty wine bottle in his bag.
I've said he has to go.
I don't trust him and never will.
Don't know how we'll survive though. He earns 3 times what I do and he'll get nasty I know.
He'll never stop this though and would never contemplate AA or similar.
Sorry for length of post. I'm just lost.

OP posts:
AlmostAJillSandwich · 07/04/2022 23:52

You gave him the hard boundary, he's chosen alcohol over you, you're right he needs to go, and it's all 100% on him.

SparklingLime · 07/04/2022 23:58

YANBU.

Have a look at nacoa.org.uk/ for your children.

Lalliella · 08/04/2022 00:21

There’s another thread on the same them tonight OP: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4523057-The-amount-DH-drinks hope you will find it useful Flowers

I have nothing to add really except that you can’t change him, only he can do that, and he has to want to change.

indecis · 08/04/2022 00:38

I've had a not dissimilar experience and survived leaving him but that's not to say it's easy. Trust your gut, put your kids and yourself first. Do you know the reason behind his drinking?

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 08/04/2022 01:08

We all know it's not that easy to leave / throw him out, particularly when there are kids involved, but after such a long time together, it must feel even harder. However, as others have said, you issued an ultimatum, he's made his choice, and if you back down then life is going to be miserable from here on in, as he'll realise he took his chances and you didn't follow through, so now he'll think he can just drink whenever he likes and won't have to deal with the consequences. Sorry though I am, I think your only choice now is to kick him out, the finances will sort themselves out one way or another, it's the emotions that are the hardest bit usually. Good luck, you know what you have to do!

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/04/2022 01:15

He'll never stop this though and would never contemplate AA or similar.

He certainly won't if there are no consequences to his actions.

BritInAus · 08/04/2022 01:22

Please just be brave and do it. Life without an alcoholic in it is so, so wonderful. You will be so free. Be firm. Your relationship is over. As somebody with an alcohol problem, his primary relationship is with alcohol.

And he may stop for a day, a week, or whatever... but he still has that problem. You can't change him, nor should you have to.

Some very good advice I read once: if someone keeps overstepping your boundaries, it's time to move yours. Good luck OP.

HellToTheNope · 08/04/2022 01:34

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Icelandicsox · 08/04/2022 01:49

Don't know how we'll survive though. He earns 3 times what I do and he'll get nasty I know

I went through exactly this a couple of years ago. There will be a window of time where he feels extremely guilty about what he's done and you need to use that to agree fair financial terms and get them drawn up into a legal seperation document asap. Eventually he will turn nasty but it's likely it'll take longer if he's railing against a legal agreement he freely signed. Use that time to maximise your savings, increase your hours at work, retrain, make investments, downsize anything at all to give you a cushion against the day when it does all kick off.

URMyStarship · 08/04/2022 04:58

He’s an alcoholic. You can’t change him. Tell him to leave and get help. He must leave. The ‘getting help’ bit is up to him.

BritInAus · 08/04/2022 05:32

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RoisinD · 08/04/2022 05:43

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Florabella · 08/04/2022 06:10

Do you love him? How is your relationship when he is not drinking ?

I think it depends on the answers to those questions and also whether he wants to stop drinking and is prepared to get help to do that. I know you said he won't go to AA, but what about individual counselling?

Obviously this thread is full of people telling you to leave him - pretty much every Mumsnet thread has the same answer to every relationship problem. If you really love him and he wants to stop and is prepared to seek some form of help then it may work. But only you know the state of your marriage

FridaynightCry · 08/04/2022 06:17

Sounds like my exDH. I left when DD was 1 (we'd been together 11 years by then) though he hadn't got to the stage of hiding empty but I could have written the rest of this post myself especially when u say you KNOW when he's even had 1 drink as it changes him instantly.
It won't get better.

BritInAus · 08/04/2022 06:27

Agree @fridaynightcry - it won't get better, but the OP's life certainly will!

@florabella - the OP's husband is an alcoholic. It's not a case of 'what's he like when not drinking?' It's not the same as someone who isn't an alcoholic but might be a bit annoying once or twice a year after a night out or something.

teezletangler · 08/04/2022 06:39

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Florabella · 08/04/2022 06:39

@BritInAus

Agree *@fridaynightcry* - it won't get better, but the OP's life certainly will!

@florabella - the OP's husband is an alcoholic. It's not a case of 'what's he like when not drinking?' It's not the same as someone who isn't an alcoholic but might be a bit annoying once or twice a year after a night out or something.

I appreciate that, but there are also alcoholics who can recover and stop drinking. I know because my brother in law is one, My sister loves him and helped him - and he helped himself. I have no idea if this could happen in the OP's case - no one does apart from them
Teeturtle · 08/04/2022 07:26

I am an alcoholic and I don’t drink any more, I think for that reason I am more open to the possibility that somebody can recover, unlike the majority of posters.

If you think he has not been drinking and found one small bottle, can you not ask him about it? A good year into my recovery I was cooking with wine and I smelled it and had a tiny sip, couldn’t help myself, but I found it vile and spat it out. Maybe other alcoholics test themselves or have a weak moment sometimes too, I don’t know, but it didn’t unravel my recovery.

There are concerning points in your post though, I am always incredulous at the peeing on the floor, only seem to hear about that on mumsnet, I have never heard of it in rehab or meetings (and people are honest in those), but the main problem here is that you say he would never seek or accept any help. This smacks of denial to me and an alcoholic in denial, well that is the situation where there is no hope.

Fireflygal · 08/04/2022 07:31

@Florabella,perhaps post what your BIL did to recover rather than asking Op to help.

Alcoholics need specialist help - love isn't enough, the Op has been caring for 23 years.

Op, are the boys aware? Whilst it might appear awful timing they could also be relieved. Does your H have family, rather than all the responsibility on you.

It's so sad to have to leave an alcoholic but it is the right decision.

spotcheck · 08/04/2022 07:36

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GeneLovesJezebel · 08/04/2022 07:40

You’ve posted about this before.
I’m not sure what you want, you don’t want to be told to LTB, so what do you want ?
He earns 3 times you so he won’t be destitute.
File for divorce, he can’t contest it now, and get your poor kids out of the situation.

Florabella · 08/04/2022 07:44

[quote Fireflygal]@Florabella,perhaps post what your BIL did to recover rather than asking Op to help.

Alcoholics need specialist help - love isn't enough, the Op has been caring for 23 years.

Op, are the boys aware? Whilst it might appear awful timing they could also be relieved. Does your H have family, rather than all the responsibility on you.

It's so sad to have to leave an alcoholic but it is the right decision.[/quote]
That's why I suggested individual counselling as that is what my brother in law did. Obviously it helped having the support of my sister, but he wanted to stop

Thereisnolight · 08/04/2022 07:46

You poor thing.
As a pp said - do you really love him?

Could you leave for a while? Just rent somewhere cheap and live there for 3 months? Would finances allow that?
Tell him it’s temporary until he sorts himself out. Then reassess - your head will be in a different place after 3 months on your own.

RampantIvy · 08/04/2022 07:48

He earns 3 times what I do

He won't be for much longer if he carries on drinking.

@Florabella your post at best is extremely naive. Love won't stop him from drinking. The OP didn't cause it, she can't control it and she can't cure it. It has to come from him.

Florabella · 08/04/2022 07:55

@RampantIvy

He earns 3 times what I do

He won't be for much longer if he carries on drinking.

@Florabella your post at best is extremely naive. Love won't stop him from drinking. The OP didn't cause it, she can't control it and she can't cure it. It has to come from him.

Where did I say that love would stop him drinking? I asked whether she loved him. That's a reasonable question when considering the future of any relationship. I also said that he had to want to stop and seek help of some sort. There's absolutely nothing naive about any of that.