To tell DH to leave over his drinking

[SadLittleLife]

I know the answer already but please just don't respond with LTB as its just not that simple.
We've been married 23 years, have two DS, 15 and 17, eldest doing A Levels this year to start uni in September.
Looking back DH was always a big drinker and a binge drinker. When not drinking he's articulate, smart, funny. Drunk he's horrible and I know instantly if he's had a drink. It affects him badly, makes him moody, argumentative and after only a small amount, he will slur his words, etc.
He's never been violent but is verbally aggressive and an entirely different character when drinking.
I like a drink, I love a glass of wine but not in DHs company. I see couples out enjoying a drink on a sunny day,etc and we never have that; if he has one drink, I'm immediately on edge.
Over the years I've found him drinking secretly, empty wine bottles and cans hidden in garage. Each time it has caused massive row and last time I said that was enough, he had to leave.
It all came to a head over a year ago when I found him drunk at his desk at home and an empty wine bottle stashed I his laptop bag with another in a cupboard. I was devastated. Never seen him so drunk. He was trying to log on to his laptop and couldn't type.
He went to bed after I found him slumped at desk and then at around 11pm that night, woke up to find him peeing in a corner of our bedroom.
Told him to leave, he was back all contrite after day or so and since then has claimed not to drink at all. I think he hasn't until recently when I've had a few suspicions and today I found a small empty wine bottle in his bag.
I've said he has to go.
I don't trust him and never will.
Don't know how we'll survive though. He earns 3 times what I do and he'll get nasty I know.
He'll never stop this though and would never contemplate AA or similar.
Sorry for length of post. I'm just lost.

The problem is, he earns 3x what you do at the moment. But if he has relapsed and continues to drink like he did before, making grave errors if judgement like trying to log on to work whilst drunk, he’ll lose his job sooner or later.

If he doesn’t seek help his addiction will spiral. If he would ‘never’ go to a meeting or counselling it sounds like he had deep-seated issues he’s avoiding in himself. You can’t help someone in denial.

It sounds like he had a prolonged dry spell (which is good) so perhaps there is hope for him. But you have drawn your boundary and you absolutely must stick to it.

Last year you let him back ‘after a day or so’ and didn’t insist he got outside help like AA or counselling. Don’t do that again.

Go to Al-Anon yourself. You need to talk things through with people who understand and Al-Anon will support the families of alcoholics.

Tell him- please get help, I don’t want you to die.

Then hold fast. You have to.

OP I have been there but was very much in the dark about what was happening until it came to a head infront of friends on holiday last year. My DS2 was 7weeks old and my husbands drinking had accelerated secretly for months before. I know something was wrong but he gaslighted me into thinking it was me, hormones etc etc. it was horrible.

After it came to head he fully admitted what was going on and has been trying to recover since. He has got a really good support through GP referral to groups, meds, therapy etc. We have ups and downs, lapses and lies but are constantly trying to heal. It has been, and continues to be the hardest thing I have ever gone through but I admire how much he has taken responsibility and tried to heal.

However this has only happened because he reached complete rock bottom infront of an audience and this has had a real affect on our friendships with people who have been in our lives for years. My point is that you cannot improve this situation without him taking the ownership and getting help for his addiction. You cannot control what happens to him, make things better or mother him. He has to get to a point where he recognises what he is and how destructive it is. All you can do is make the best possible decisions for you and your children. This unfortunately may mean the relationship can’t survive. Bringing children up in a house with an active alcoholic will have implications for them going forward. It might be worth attending an Al-Anon group (they also run online) to hear from others. I was amazed to hear other peoples stories as they helped me recognise my own behaviours.

Is there anyone that can talk to him, hold a mirror up to his behaviour? I found with my husband my words were having no impact as he had heard it before from me so many times before but our friends were able to make a real impact.

It’s so hard, I am sorry this is happening xxx

So many responses, thank you. I felt so alone last night.
For those saying my DS will become alcoholics, DS1 is about to turn 18. Most of his friends drink, some to excess, but he's never tried a drink. He is very anti alcohol, which I think is due to DH, and is set on a career where drinking would not be acceptable, regular testing on duty, etc.
I am very proud if him and hope he stays on this path.
I should have left DH years ago, I know that.
Money is an issue though.
Our savings have been wiped out by recent, almost finished, house renovations. I held off doing these for years due to lack of trust in DH but agreed to start as really thought he had stuck to not drinking.
DS2 is at a selective school in a very expensive area. I just can't afford anywhere near by myself to keep him at that school and would struggle to afford to stay in our house without DH help. He's a high earner, I'm not.
Money is definitely a reason that I've not thrown hom out before.

Yes it's a very hard decision but honestly OP you've made the right choice. The walking on eggshells can stop. Your house will be calmer. You and your children can relax without the worry of drunk dad rearing his ugly head.
I understand the financial implications but there is advice out there, Gingerbread for example. And echo Nacoa as support for your children.
You can do it.

DS2 is at a selective school in a very expensive area. I just can't afford anywhere near by myself to keep him at that school and would struggle to afford to stay in our house without DH help. He's a high earner, I'm not.

OK. But say you divorce? The house will need to be sold, eventually, and the marital assets split. But as your DS2 is not far off 18, it’s likely you could stay until he finished school. Will he stay there for sixth form?

Once your DS’s are adults you can downsize. Your husband is 50% responsible for their costs and an agreement could be reached on university funding etc.

Will he agree to leave the house? Does he agree it is over? Or is he in denial about that too?

@HellToTheNope

Your poor sons. It will be absolutely remarkable if they themselves don't become alcoholics. This is their normal.

You should have left this man years and years ago.

I think this is really unhelpful. My father was an alcoholic I am not, and it absolutely does not automatically follow.

I just wanted to reach put to you OP. The other post linked above is mine. Im in a similar position to you. Its just so incredibly hard and frustrating isnt it? Some tough decisions need to be made. Sending a hug 🤗

I just want to send some solidarity and strength, I have been in exactly the same position and it overshadowed my and my families life for years. At this point any route forward will be hard, so make a decision to make you and your kids safe and happy and stable.

If you divorce, get a good solicitor, he will need to pay maintenance. Do you have access to his accounts?

@HellToTheNope

Your poor sons. It will be absolutely remarkable if they themselves don't become alcoholics. This is their normal.

You should have left this man years and years ago.

If anything I'd say the opposite in my case. I get this feeling of utter disgust around drunks now because I remember my feelings at seeing my 'functioning' alcoholic parent that way.

@HellToTheNope

Your poor sons. It will be absolutely remarkable if they themselves don't become alcoholics. This is their normal.

You should have left this man years and years ago.

What a load of old cobblers My brother is a recovering alcoholic frankly what he got up to when in his worst days has put me off the stuff for life.

Did you know there's thought to be a genetic element to addiction?

What an unhelpful comment

@PostItNoteScribbles I've now read your post and hope you're OK.
I've told DH to leave.
He's going to a hotel tonight and coming back to talk tomorrow.
I've said he has to be honest to DC, they're old enough to know what is happening.
Now panicking about messing up DS1's A Levels. Terrible timing.

Gosh well done! A big step.
Things don’t need to be nasty with you and DH. You can be supportive of him as a friend and co-parent and still care about him. But you’ll no longer be paired with him.
Explain this to your sons. I’m sure they’ll be ok once they see you are. They’ll have been aware of an atmosphere for a long time.
Huge step but it’s done. Good luck!

Your children will not automatically be alcoholics, as others have said I have an alcoholic father and am hyper aware of what i drink and how i use alcohol. However, my childhood experiences have affected me in many other ways, which you cannot discount in your decisions.

@AudTheDeepMinded how would you say you have been affected?
My issue really is the secret drinking and to be honest, it's only because I know DH so well that I can tell he's been drinking, apart from the incident last year that is.
This will come as a shock to lots of people as he's very good at hiding anything.
I don't know how much it has affected our DC tbh.

[quote SadLittleLife]@AudTheDeepMinded how would you say you have been affected?
My issue really is the secret drinking and to be honest, it's only because I know DH so well that I can tell he's been drinking, apart from the incident last year that is.
This will come as a shock to lots of people as he's very good at hiding anything.
I don't know how much it has affected our DC tbh.[/quote]
So many ways. Really hard to trust people. Vividly remember the heartsinking realisation that we'd been let down again and he had had a drink. Coming in from school on edge and checking the bin for tins. Waiting up when he hadn't come home. The tension in the house. You think you are shielding the kids, but they'll know. The absoluter terror and disgust around drunk people (violence was also present so I'd associate drunk people with things kicking off). The endless people pleasing and trying to present as normal having been used to acting as though every thing was normal at home (Father was pillar of the community type). Gut churning fear and revulsion and never ever being able to relax or let down a guard at home, always on high alert. Sorry, I'm not articulating it well. And loss of all respect for my Father having seen him piss on the bedroom floor, or fall over into the Christmas tree, or just start showing us up in front of people. And the feeling of being let down when other adults colluded with him and didn't realise what a damaging home life we had.

Ask them, tell them to be honest with you. see what they say. Wish my Mum had.