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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset with dsis

50 replies

lonelyexpat · 07/04/2022 22:01

A few weeks ago, dsis messaged me asking what we had planned for my dd’s 16th birthday so she could plan her own ds’s birthday (their birthdays are close together - 3 days apart)

As dd’s birthday falls on a Saturday this year, we are going to celebrate on that day. Dsis said she would book her ds’s party for the weekend before so we could all attend each other respective celebrations. Her ds is a lot younger than dd.

Today Dsis messaged me asking if we could chat about my dd’s birthday. I couldn’t chat immediately so she messaged me the following …

“ok so the date I planned on doing (ds’s) party before his birthday (date) is now the (sport) awards ceremony date, (month) is just absolutely rammed with either shifts, (name) surprise (age) party n plus (name) wants (name) one weekend for his (object). Literally the only weekend day I can put (ds’s) party is (dd’s birthday). Unless I go end of (month) or (month). So thinking we might try n see (name) when we come to do (name) (object) and have a little celebration with her then. What do you think? Xx”

I feel like, as this is a special birthday for dd, an extra effort should be made to re-arrange other things. We don’t see each other very often as we live a couple of hours away from each. The past 3 times we have seen each other, I have visited them.

I replied “you should always do what’s right for you and your family” along with a few other things dd is up to.

I am upset, I want dsis to know I’m upset but not if I’m being unreasonable.

OP posts:
Howmanydaysuntilfriday · 07/04/2022 22:04

either shifts, (name) surprise (age) party n plus (name) wants (name) one weekend for his (object)
No idea what you are saying

contrelamontre · 07/04/2022 22:04

She's asked you what you think? Tell her what you think. If you think her young DS should have his birthday delayed until the end of the month because it's your DD;s 16th then tell her that. What does your DD think? Does she care about her aunt and cousin being at her 16th birthday?

NoodleNuts · 07/04/2022 22:07

I think YABU. Your sister has tried to re-arrange things, but is struggling due to other commitments. You don't sound like you are that close anyway and since when has 16 been a special birthday??

luxxlisbon · 07/04/2022 22:07

YABU. They have birthdays very close together so dates are sometimes going to clash and everyone isn’t always going to be able to celebrate both birthdays. It’s not that big of a deal that she will miss your DD’s birthday because it’s her own DS’s birthday too.

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 07/04/2022 22:08

I doubt a 16 year old girl will care if her "several years younger" cousin and aunt who she doesn't see very often are at her party.
She will probably be hoping for a nice gift money and a card, but that's about it surely?
You're being overly precious to turn this into a big deal.

FlissyPaps · 07/04/2022 22:08

Sorry OP that’s quite hard to follow.

Is she basically saying she wants to do a joint birthday for her DS and your DD as she’s busy every other weekend?

Original poster
lonelyexpat · 07/04/2022 22:10

apologies everyone, those big adverts that don't disappear when you scroll made my post impossible to proof read

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 07/04/2022 22:10

How old is your nephew? Is it really the end of the world if they're not there on that one day? Her 18th and 21st are coming up, as well as your nephews 16th, 18th and 21st as well as everyone else in the families milestone birthdays over the years. Everyone can't attend every celebration.

ErinAoife · 07/04/2022 22:11

You are right to be upset. I will be in your position. She did mention to book her son party at the end of the month so ask her to do it and it will sort out the matter

ErinAoife · 07/04/2022 22:12

Yanbu by the way.

Original poster
lonelyexpat · 07/04/2022 22:12

Dn will be 8. For context, we lived abroad for many years. I think dd will be upset. She wishes we saw more of family, but work, activities, cost makes it difficult.

OP posts:
Original poster
lonelyexpat · 07/04/2022 22:14

Perhaps I think we're close than we actually are.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 07/04/2022 22:15

You're clearly seeing them in the coming months as she mentions having a celebration at another get together. 8 is still young and it seems really unfair to postpone his party when you'll be catching up soon anyway.

Darbs76 · 07/04/2022 22:19

Sorry but you’re being unreasonable. Both your children have birthdays and sounds like there’s a lot of other stuff going on. She either has her child’s party ages after or before or misses your DD’s. It wouldn’t even cross my mind to be annoyed but then I don’t expect my sibling who lives a good few hours drive to come to my house on my child’s birthday.

Neolara · 07/04/2022 22:19

Blimey. Are you expecting your sister to put off her 8 year olds birthday party for several weeks so she can come to your dd's party? If so, you are being completely ridiculous. Birthday parties are massively important to 8 year olds.

Cluelessmouse · 07/04/2022 22:20

@lonelyexpat

Perhaps I think we're close than we actually are.
I don’t get this. You want DDs bday party on her bday. Dsis contacted you, tried to work around you, tried to move her DSs bday to suit you and DD, but is having a difficult time doing so. She’s suggested alternative times to see you still. The only other alternative is that she moves her DSs bday party to weeks after or before his bday.

And your takeaway is that she must not care about you? You didn’t contact her to ask about DNs bday, and you aren’t even considering moving DDs bday to another day to help. That’s all fine but seems hypocritical to then be annoyed.

Original poster
lonelyexpat · 07/04/2022 22:20

@NerrSnerr dsis is referring to a visit to my parent's. They're not coming to see us.

OP posts:
FloraPostePosts · 07/04/2022 22:22

At 16, the last thing I wanted was a family party with cousins and aunts and grandparents. I loved them all, of course, and did see My grandparents sometime round birthdays, but I wanted, and got, a party with all my 16 year old friends! I can’t believe that your daughter wouldn’t prefer that anyway.

Darbs76 · 07/04/2022 22:22

@Neolara

Blimey. Are you expecting your sister to put off her 8 year olds birthday party for several weeks so she can come to your dd's party? If so, you are being completely ridiculous. Birthday parties are massively important to 8 year olds.
Yes she is and that’s what makes it unreasonable. At 8 your birthday is super important. I don’t think it’s fair at all to accuse her SIL of being unreasonable for not wanting to tell her son his party is ages after his actual bday as he needs to attends his much older cousins birthday: which won’t be much fun for him I doubt
Original poster
lonelyexpat · 07/04/2022 22:23

@Cluelessmouse fair enough. What I was thinking when I posted that was the previous times I've re-arranged and the effort I've made.

OP posts:
Original poster
lonelyexpat · 07/04/2022 22:23

@FloraPostePosts she is having that too, after her exams.

OP posts:
MrsBlondie · 07/04/2022 22:24

luxxlisbon

YABU. They have birthdays very close together so dates are sometimes going to clash and everyone isn’t always going to be able to celebrate both birthdays. It’s not that big of a deal that she will miss your DD’s birthday because it’s her own DS’s birthday too.

This and I speak as a mum to a recently turned 16 year old

Underfrighter · 07/04/2022 22:27

I think you're being unreasonable sorry. She has tried her best and tried to speak to you about it. And is offering alternative solutions. I think at 8, it would be a lot harder to understand why your party was being postponed by weeks so that your mum can arrange something with your cousin who you hardly see who is twice his age, , rather than your 16 year old being able to understand that her aunt will try and see her and do something special with her to make up for missing her birthday. Doing both birthdays isnt possible so I think its fairer for both kids to have the day they want and catch up later.

I do t think 16 is a milestone birthday either

NerrSnerr · 07/04/2022 22:27

I also want to know what name's object is. Is it a boat? A really nice jug? A pasta maker?

Original poster
lonelyexpat · 07/04/2022 22:27

When I say very often, I mean once a month, every 6 weeks.

OP posts: