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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset with dsis

50 replies

lonelyexpat · 07/04/2022 22:01

A few weeks ago, dsis messaged me asking what we had planned for my dd’s 16th birthday so she could plan her own ds’s birthday (their birthdays are close together - 3 days apart)

As dd’s birthday falls on a Saturday this year, we are going to celebrate on that day. Dsis said she would book her ds’s party for the weekend before so we could all attend each other respective celebrations. Her ds is a lot younger than dd.

Today Dsis messaged me asking if we could chat about my dd’s birthday. I couldn’t chat immediately so she messaged me the following …

“ok so the date I planned on doing (ds’s) party before his birthday (date) is now the (sport) awards ceremony date, (month) is just absolutely rammed with either shifts, (name) surprise (age) party n plus (name) wants (name) one weekend for his (object). Literally the only weekend day I can put (ds’s) party is (dd’s birthday). Unless I go end of (month) or (month). So thinking we might try n see (name) when we come to do (name) (object) and have a little celebration with her then. What do you think? Xx”

I feel like, as this is a special birthday for dd, an extra effort should be made to re-arrange other things. We don’t see each other very often as we live a couple of hours away from each. The past 3 times we have seen each other, I have visited them.

I replied “you should always do what’s right for you and your family” along with a few other things dd is up to.

I am upset, I want dsis to know I’m upset but not if I’m being unreasonable.

OP posts:

Adeleskirts · 07/04/2022 22:28

I honestly can’t see your issue, she’s explained what she needs to do and when she will see her, go ahead with respective plans and then do the seperate celebration as she suggests, your kid still gets to see rhem

I think you’re being unreasonable because looking at rhe dates you’re basically pissed they won’t put your child above their own son and that’s very wrong.

Adeleskirts · 07/04/2022 22:30

@Neolara

Blimey. Are you expecting your sister to put off her 8 year olds birthday party for several weeks so she can come to your dd's party? If so, you are being completely ridiculous. Birthday parties are massively important to 8 year olds.

That’s what it reads like and yes it’s appalling, with the justification she visited the last three times and it’s what her kid wants.

Original poster

lonelyexpat · 07/04/2022 22:33

@NerrSnerr that will remain a mystery!

OP posts:

Original poster

lonelyexpat · 07/04/2022 22:35

Ok, I am being unreasonable! I accept that!

OP posts:

Flickflak · 07/04/2022 22:37

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Freddiefox · 07/04/2022 22:38

I don’t really understand the messages, but can’t your DN have a party in the day? Say 10-12 ans the your dd in the evening?

If not, speak to her, she’s asking you, and you are being a bit passive aggressive, vague and giving missed messages.

Original poster

lonelyexpat · 07/04/2022 22:41

I wonder why I'm feeling so precious about this though, I'm not normally. As I said, I accept IABU. Unfortunately we can't change the date of DD's birthday as this is now booked and was so in agreement with dsis.

OP posts:

Original poster

lonelyexpat · 07/04/2022 22:43

I won't say anything, you're all right when you say her ds's birthday is her priority.

OP posts:

Adeleskirts · 07/04/2022 22:43

@lonelyexpat

But she can’t change rhe date of her kids either, so her solution is a good one.

So will you text her again? You really can’t expect her to prioritise your child over hers.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/04/2022 22:46

An 8 th birthday is always super important to the child, but all birthdays for little ones like this are more important than usual because they’ve probably missed out on their last two birthdays due to Covid. They probably haven’t had a party with friends since their 5th, in reception.

Original poster

lonelyexpat · 07/04/2022 22:52

@Adeleskirts I'm not going to message her again about this. My last message to her was “you should always do what’s right for you and your family”, i'll leave it at that.

OP posts:

Clymene · 07/04/2022 23:04

Oh that's a bit sniffy sounding. She's tried really hard. Your daughter's birthday isn't more important than her son's. What's the big deal about 16 anyway? I thought it was 18 and 21. Or are all those birthdays significant?

In any event your daughter is probably more interested in celebrating with her mates than her boring family

Butchyrestingface · 07/04/2022 23:07

Sakes alive.

Anyway, YABU. (I think).

Original poster

lonelyexpat · 07/04/2022 23:11

@Butchyrestingface the advert that never moves is to blame!

OP posts:

BrilloSolar · 07/04/2022 23:12

She wishes we saw more of family, but work, activities, cost makes it difficult.

So you never really make time or effort to see your sister, but are now mad with her that she doesn't have time for you?

Original poster

lonelyexpat · 07/04/2022 23:14

@BrilloSolar if you read the full thread you would see I said we saw them once a month, every 6 weeks.

OP posts:

Original poster

lonelyexpat · 07/04/2022 23:15

And the past 3 visits have been us going to see them.

OP posts:

Original poster

lonelyexpat · 07/04/2022 23:16

If you all read the full thread, you would see I 100% accept I am being unreasonable.

OP posts:

ManateeFair · 07/04/2022 23:19

So… your problem is that you think your sister should prioritise coming to see your teenage DD on her birthday over her own son’s birthday party? I don’t understand why that’s an issue.

Does your DD not want to see her friends on her birthday, rather than her auntie and her eight-year-old cousin? Are teenage birthdays some kind of extended family affair these days?! Because I don’t think I know any teenagers who would give the slightest of shits about seeing aunts and cousins on their birthday.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 07/04/2022 23:20

@Underfrighter

I think you're being unreasonable sorry. She has tried her best and tried to speak to you about it. And is offering alternative solutions. I think at 8, it would be a lot harder to understand why your party was being postponed by weeks so that your mum can arrange something with your cousin who you hardly see who is twice his age, , rather than your 16 year old being able to understand that her aunt will try and see her and do something special with her to make up for missing her birthday. Doing both birthdays isnt possible so I think its fairer for both kids to have the day they want and catch up later.

I do t think 16 is a milestone birthday either

I agree with this. Except to yoru DD I think it is a milestone birthday but that does'nt mean everything has to be the same every single year. Why not have two celebrations as your SIL suggests. Let your DD and DN have their friend birthdays on the day. It would be too hard on the little boy not to do that. He's at the age where birthday parties are very important at school. Your DD can have a celebration with her friends on her actual day and the other later on with her extended family. You'd all be able to spend more quality time with them, without trying to please some cool 16 year olds at the same time. I don't think your SIL was trying to mess with your plans, but 8 years is a big age gap and she's trying to make sure all sides are happy. I hope you and your DD have a lovely time celebrating.

Womencanlift · 07/04/2022 23:21

Your response to her about her family comes across very passive aggressive. Why didn’t you just say “hope nephew enjoys his birthday. Look forward to catching up soon”

Original poster

lonelyexpat · 07/04/2022 23:21

I am bowing out of this thread now. I've accepted I am being unreasonable. Have a good evening everyone.

OP posts:

slashlover · 07/04/2022 23:27

the advert that never moves is to blame!

It was not to blame for you writing (month) instead of just making something up.

“ok so the date I planned on doing David’s party before his birthday (10th) is now the football awards ceremony date, May is just absolutely rammed with either shifts, John's surprise 40th party n plus David wants Alan one weekend for his oboe. Literally the only weekend day I can put David’s party is Joannes birthday. Unless I go end of May or June. So thinking we might try n see Joanne when we come to do Alan's oboe and have a little celebration with her then. What do you think? Xx”

Innocenta · 08/04/2022 07:48

Sixteen absolutely is considered a milestone birthday by many younger people. Also, teenagers as well as young children have had a rotten time during the pandemic, missed out on milestones and celebrations, etc. I think OP has been gracious about accepting criticism here, but some PP are leaning a bit hard on the idea that the DN's birthday matters sooo much to him, vs the DD's birthday being over inflated by OP. I wonder why that is...

heartofgrass · 08/04/2022 08:40

Op on the off chance you're still reading this I do think your last message to your sister was, as a PP put it, sniffy. Maybe just send her a message saying you've slept on it and of course she has to celebrate nephews bday then - when she's around you'll have a belated bday celebration for both the kids together blah blah lots of love

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