How useless is your partner.....

[areyougonnago]

know I'm off to a bad start here but I need some perspective.
Am I being unreasonable to think that people should have a certain Level of usefulness ... if they lack in one way they make up for it somewhere else?
As a partner If you're a DIY enthusiast but can't cook for sugar- fine.
If you have some free time, maybe clean the car or do some painting/decluttering?

I painted the kitchen last year... but there's a small corner I can't reach. I asked when it will be done and they said... if you get the paint out I'll do it. So why is it my responsibility to decide when it should be done and get the bastard paint out. If that was the issue- why didn't they say. Leave the paint out and I'll do it ( shortly after I'd done the whole room)
Today I've come home to the kids treats all gone. Which is of course what they wanted for pudding- whinging ensues.
A pot plat balanced on a ledge- probably just as a reminder they got the flash mop out for the floor. **
The towels and clothes folded in the most ridiculous haphazard way so they might as well not have been tumbled.
All the other stuff I do. Holiday soon, I've sorted. MOT- me. Bits and bobs of DIY just abandoned, I did the loo seats but should I do the own bulbs too?
I'm just fed up that unless
I do it,it doesn't get done.
There's no money to get people in to do the jobs otherwise maybe that would be a sacrifice.
Am I being demanding or should I expect more?

Much less useless than I am 🤷🏻‍♀️

DH is extremely good at everything. I'm pretty good too.
I think you need to be having a conversation.

Thanks.
I've had conversations. In which I say I expect more. No one can be an expert overnight but they can make up for the things they can't do by doing others. Am I wrong?

You're not wrong!

I would expect more. It's not good enough that everything falls to you. Everyone should do their share or ensure they earn enough that someone else can be paid to do their share. Everyone is useless until they learn, so learn then! The thing with the paint was fobbing you off. If you'd said great I'll fetch the paint now then, he'd not have done it, there'd have been some other lame excuse. It's a bad and lazy attitude that everything which isn't working outside the home is your responsibility, oh and you can work outside the home too! It's shit, it's not equality, it's just the mysoginists version of it.

Mine is fairly traditional, I do most of the "making a home" stuff and food shopping but he'll do the "home improvement" stuff and "emergency" stuff like blocked drains and broken down cars. So it evens itself out in the end. I'll help with that stuff where I can and if I'm needed as an extra pair of hands, he'll clean and tidy up after himself so I'm not feeling like a skivvy. It works well.

@areyougonnago

Thanks. I've had conversations. In which I say I expect more. No one can be an expert overnight but they can make up for the things they can't do by doing others. Am I wrong?

No, you're not wrong. But you are banging your head off the wall if you think he'll change. In case he was too thick to work out he's being unfair, you've explained it to him, probably multiple times. So this is him, someone who doesn't care how you feel (or the DC when they come home to find he's eaten their snacks). Or not enough to change his ways, at any rate.

Yanbu in general (my dh and I rely on each other a lot with complementary skills) but I didn't understand some of your post, like I couldn't picture this bit:

A pot plat balanced on a ledge- probably just as a reminder they got the flash mop out for the floor.

Also, I think you were being a bit over fussy about the crumpled clothes. We don't all fold like Marie Kondo

Is he actually useless or is it learned behaviour?

I ask because I moved in with DP when he was 35 and I was 28. He was an incredibly functional man that had lived on his own, in his own house, for about 18 months prior. He cooked and cleaned for himself - healthy meals and his house was spotless. I couldn’t cook and was really messy.

Now, six years on, he sends me messages like ‘how do I get the washing from the machine to the washing line?’ And ‘do I have any clean underpants?’ He leaves toilet roll wrappers and empty tubes on the floor, recycling on the counter above the recycling bin and takes his socks off in the living room and leaves them there. I do all cooking, cleaning, meal planning, shopping, child care, child care organisation. The only thing he actually does do is work full time and out earn me, BUT I sacrificed a teaching career to enable his —bullshit— career after DS was born.

I’m so sick of it now. I’m so sick of carrying his ridiculous, entitled, arrogant weight and I was so stuck in the muddy depths of raising a baby that the scales are only just falling from my eyes.

Is your DP a man? Not sure why but you've left out he/she

The pot plant was balanced on a very small edge rather than sitting on the floor. We have an energetic child who
Would have flipped that onto the floor in no time had I not clocked it. And yes I would have had to clean it up. It's was like it was a reminder of ' o look how wonderful
I've been as I have moved the plant to get the mop out'

• just btw the flash mop. A gentle sweep not a full clean and gosh no, the bleach smells too bad so they couldn't possibly get and do it properly.

The dishwasher filter, the washing machine gunk, the sink cleaning as well as the cooking, shopping, driving, organising the days out , the random bits of DIY as well as the holidays, mortgage, banks, kids uniform, lunch,Christmas, Easter as well as a fair portion of remembering when their family needs this and that gifts or cards. I'm an idiot aren't I?

If there was a but,,,,, but they are so......' insert argument here'
What would it even equate to that all being reasonable?
Being a millionaire so I could just get someone else To Do it?

Solidarity from me I'm afraid. Every fucking thing is my job, except he loads and unloads the dishwasher. What a hero.

He reckons it is all fine because he will do it if I ask....

@AlohaMolly

Is he actually useless or is it learned behaviour?

I ask because I moved in with DP when he was 35 and I was 28. He was an incredibly functional man that had lived on his own, in his own house, for about 18 months prior. He cooked and cleaned for himself - healthy meals and his house was spotless. I couldn’t cook and was really messy.

Now, six years on, he sends me messages like ‘how do I get the washing from the machine to the washing line?’ And ‘do I have any clean underpants?’ He leaves toilet roll wrappers and empty tubes on the floor, recycling on the counter above the recycling bin and takes his socks off in the living room and leaves them there. I do all cooking, cleaning, meal planning, shopping, child care, child care organisation. The only thing he actually does do is work full time and out earn me, BUT I sacrificed a teaching career to enable his —bullshit— career after DS was born.

I’m so sick of it now. I’m so sick of carrying his ridiculous, entitled, arrogant weight and I was so stuck in the muddy depths of raising a baby that the scales are only just falling from my eyes.

I hear you. I absolutely do. We did our best. There must have been something there to procreate with these idiots in the first place. Maybe it is evolution. They've done their bit, been attractive enough to reproduce now can be fucking useless and wither away unless someone looks after them.

I tried to leave out he or she being the wonderful world Of equality we live in, but you have cracked my code.
Would it matter either way? Should I add I gave up my career progression, body confidence, pelvic floor and freedom for this wonderful life?

Mine is good with engineering/mechanical things, but that's it. Completely useless with everything else.

We've only been together a couple of years but I dispair for how on earth I can put up with it stretching years into the future. He just doesn't ever "think"....I must hear "I just didn't think" about a dozen times a day. He just looks at me and shrugs. I've met potatoes with more common sense!

Example....Just yesterday we were coming back from an event. It was chucking it down and we were pulled up with the hazards on while we loaded the car. I had opened the boot and put my suitcase on the pavement while I tried to wrestle a rowdy bunch of helium balloons through the back passenger door. I'm getting drenched, he's getting drenched and the suitcases are drenched. And he just stood there, suitcase in hand, waiting for me to finish fighting with the balloons. Car boot was wide open, but he didn't try to put either suitcase in because there was a carrier bag of stuff in the middle. He just stood there getting drenched waiting for me. Muppet. Its not like there wasn't room. I moved the bag to the parcel shelf, threw my own suitcases in, and there was still room to spare after he finally put his in. I just don't get it. He just doesn't have ANY nouse.

I’m feeling my vagina clamp shut reading some of these posts.

My DP is a slightly crap cook, but he can shop for and prepare a meal. Everything else he just gets on with. Washing / DIY / holiday planning / cleaning - I’d trust him with all of it. In fact, he’s probably better than me. I genuinely don’t know how anyone fancies people without basic life skills.

Mine is pretty good. He's forgetful and disorganised but that helps balance my stress, ocd attitude.

We don't live together but he regularly cleans the kitchen and bathroom. He's done a lot of DIY for me.

I've helped him with getting more kitchen equipment to make his life easier. I do all the cooking but he'll help and he's learned to cook better!

I can't really fault him and where he is disorganised, it's not limited to us, it's his whole life - tax, mot, opening post/email, etc

I'm
Just sorry that there seem to be many of these out there. And also jealous that there are ones that are 'useful'
May I add as if it weren't enough that I worked all day and was due a very very rare night out, they were home all day.
On the way home
I got a message to get milk. I don't think I need to
Explain how fucking annoyed I was.
It's everyday. I get me ready and the kids.
He barely gets him ready and still forgets keys or phone or socks . And it's me that has to take time
Out my day to fix it.
Is anyone happily living live this or is this a downward spiral?

I should add he's not abusive and would never cheat ( probably too lazy)
Is that enough?

No it’s not enough OP. It sounds miserable and it’ll only get worse. LTB.

@TheHoleNineYards

I’m feeling my vagina clamp shut reading some of these posts.

My DP is a slightly crap cook, but he can shop for and prepare a meal. Everything else he just gets on with. Washing / DIY / holiday planning / cleaning - I’d trust him with all of it. In fact, he’s probably better than me. I genuinely don’t know how anyone fancies people without basic life skills.

The problem is, my DP was so very functional and really fuxking fanciable. As a young, impressionable woman just put of an abusive relationship, he was everything I thought I wanted. Enthusiastic, attractive, incredibly sexual, ran his own successful business, owned his own house. Spoke his mind, didn’t fester, didn’t hold grudges, didn’t hit me (high bar, I know!)

Then… this. I don’t know when it happened, it wasn’t over night, it was gradual. But I now find myself in the position where he was the last person to shit in the toilet, this morning before he left for work. Upon his return, he went for a wee and discovered, because he lifted the toilet seat, that there was poo splash back on the rim, where I wouldn’t have seen because I sit down for a wee. Instead of cleaning it himself, ge left the seat up and came to tell me it needed cleaning.

And I went and cleaned it. And I don’t know why.

Mine is very competent, but lacks initiative. He would never think, ah, there is a full load of laundry, I will pop it in the machine, but if I said, we need to do a wash he would happily toddle off and do it. We have set household tasks which helps, and he is a very good cook. He’s also very kind about voluntarily doing stuff I hate - today he took the cat to the vet for her boosters which I loathe because she wails the place down.

Alohamolly .... living the dream as they say. Is it our fault being a walkover? Their fathers for not showing them what they need to contribute or their mothers for catering for their every whim without teaching them to look after them self?

@areyougonnago all of the above Plus I’m going to throw my mother under the bus too and blame her for running after my dad so I grew up with that setup too!

Please stop doing everything for them. It is a learnt behaviour. Don't clean the poo after your partner as they are not your children. This will honestly give me so much ick I will never have sex again with them. Entitled, useless manbaby who you need to feed, clean, and look after.

As an older woman on here I despair. Why the fuck are any of you putting up with this shit? It really is a case of the more you do the more they expect. STOP doing it now. Look after yourself and your kids and tell the stupid bastard you live with to step up. In 45 years of marriage I have never had to pick up so much as a sock after my DH. He's a good, moral person who doesn't believe other people have to run round after him. He takes responsibility for all aspects of home life and himself. And as for leaving his shit in a toilet!! I also have to say his DM totally indulged him (told me u should make sure he wore warm clothes in winter 😂) but this still didn't lead to him disrespecting me.