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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How useless is your partner.....

54 replies

areyougonnago · 07/04/2022 20:06

know I'm off to a bad start here but I need some perspective.
Am I being unreasonable to think that people should have a certain Level of usefulness ... if they lack in one way they make up for it somewhere else?
As a partner If you're a DIY enthusiast but can't cook for sugar- fine.
If you have some free time, maybe clean the car or do some painting/decluttering?

I painted the kitchen last year... but there's a small corner I can't reach. I asked when it will be done and they said... if you get the paint out I'll do it. So why is it my responsibility to decide when it should be done and get the bastard paint out. If that was the issue- why didn't they say. Leave the paint out and I'll do it ( shortly after I'd done the whole room)
Today I've come home to the kids treats all gone. Which is of course what they wanted for pudding- whinging ensues.
A pot plat balanced on a ledge- probably just as a reminder they got the flash mop out for the floor. **
The towels and clothes folded in the most ridiculous haphazard way so they might as well not have been tumbled.
All the other stuff I do. Holiday soon, I've sorted. MOT- me. Bits and bobs of DIY just abandoned, I did the loo seats but should I do the own bulbs too?
I'm just fed up that unless
I do it,it doesn't get done.
There's no money to get people in to do the jobs otherwise maybe that would be a sacrifice.
Am I being demanding or should I expect more?

OP posts:

Illwithdisappointment · 08/04/2022 00:39

Mines just left me with Covid (haven't eaten in a week) and our toddler. So pretty useless.

AuntTwacky · 08/04/2022 00:47

@Juniper68

DH is extremely good at everything. I'm pretty good too. I think you need to be having a conversation.

lemongreentea · 08/04/2022 00:58

My husband is good at cars and things he loves so he will clean and polish and hoover my car and all the pil changes and tyre pressures and wotnot but wont vacuum at home.

He also refuses to pack the groceries when we go to Asda and waits for me to do it, he also insists on paying each time (from our joint account) but he WILL carry it ALL to the car and inside the house. I would ltb but I'm used to it now so I have started booking online slots and getting it delivered when he is at work.

WildBlueAndDitzy · 08/04/2022 04:08

@areyougonnago

I should add he's not abusive and would never cheat ( probably too lazy) Is that enough?

Not really, no. I mean, it's like telling yourself that he's alive, he has a pulse, so it's ok... it's your brain playing tricks on you to enable you to survive the unsurvivable. He may not be abusive but he's not caring either. At what point does treating you like shit tip over into abuse anyway? What's the dividing line? More to the point what's your dividing line, your deal-breaker?

The only way for anyone to be happy living like this is to be subservient in your entire personality, have no boundaries about anything and truly believe that that is your rightful place in life. If you have any understanding that you have rights as a living being, if you believe that you should be an equal partner, or even if you just have an inkling that these things ought to be true, then it's not possible to be happy with this type of setup. You could choose to tolerate it and develop coping strategies for that, such as telling yourself that things could be worse, but that isn't the same thing as being happy/content/not forever in a fucking rage seething with resentment at the latest thing he's done.

WildBlueAndDitzy · 08/04/2022 04:12

@Illwithdisappointment

Mines just left me with Covid (haven't eaten in a week) and our toddler. So pretty useless.

Fucking hell. That's awful

HerRoyalNotness · 08/04/2022 04:22

I was out with one child last weekend and came home and noted he’d been to the store and bought candy, chips, soda. I asked why he hadn’t bought food like fruit, veg and meat while he was there “because you went to x store last week”. Yes I said and it’s a week later, we need more food. “Oh well, you’ll go tomorrow”. FFS

Plus all the mental load “what should I do about …” “do you want me to …”. Now I just say you can decide for yourself.

latriciamcneal · 08/04/2022 10:43

You're not wrong. If you have a partner working full-time and a partner at home full-time that's one thing, and it would be very easy to split tasks, but the person working full-time should still bring their own dishes to the kitchen to wash. The person at home full-time should still be careful how they spend the family money.

But does he work though? Because that would be at least something. Otherwise he'd just be taking up space.

Thatsplentyjack · 08/04/2022 10:45

Mine COULD do things, he just chooses to do fuck all and it's wearing thin.

Jk987 · 08/04/2022 10:49

@Juniper68

DH is extremely good at everything. I'm pretty good too. I think you need to be having a conversation.

Extremely good at everything? I didn't think such perfection existed!😄

Moody123 · 08/04/2022 10:52

Oh wow! I don't think I could get wound up by laundry folded wrong or a pot plant on a windowsill... however I am most likely the one out of our relationship to do that
I am generally useless at remembering things, I forgot almost anything to do with the house (at work I remember absolutely everything to the last detail, I cannot understand why I just can't remember things at home)
However when I am not laid in bed all day (being 38 weeks pregnant) i think we are 60-40 (DH being the 60 of things to get done)

Amei · 08/04/2022 10:56

My food shopping arrived at 7.30 this morning, by the time I got round to putting it away (08.15) the whole lot was in the outside bin as he 'thought it was bags of rubbish'.

He amazes me daily.

EKGEMS · 08/04/2022 18:17

I'm sorry,ladies,but I sure as hell would go ape shit over any grown ass adult I was in a relationship with doing just a quarter of this insanity! Throwing groceries into the garbage, leaving you severely ill with Covid with a toddler, leaving poop on or in your toilet? Not.for.me! I saw my mother work herself to the bone while my father went to work and did fuck all with his kids or the house! My husband can cook enough to survive, do laundry, clean and care for our kid and I would've never settled for less. I'm so sorry for all of you in these ridiculous situations

Notreallyhappy · 08/04/2022 18:23

My family are a bunch of fannies...no thought or idea how to run a home...can follow instructions but it's soul destroying explaining all the time.
The Mr is fantastic at his job though 😬

Mummy1608 · 08/04/2022 18:31

@Moody123

Oh wow! I don't think I could get wound up by laundry folded wrong or a pot plant on a windowsill... however I am most likely the one out of our relationship to do that I am generally useless at remembering things, I forgot almost anything to do with the house (at work I remember absolutely everything to the last detail, I cannot understand why I just can't remember things at home) However when I am not laid in bed all day (being 38 weeks pregnant) i think we are 60-40 (DH being the 60 of things to get done)

Me too. 60-40 or even 70-30 my dh does the most housework and admin. My "excuse" is that I'm still breastfeeding at night. I'll wean at some point and have to step up...!

But seriously, I'd vote with my feet (leave) if I had a rubbish dh. Plenty more lovely men out there

Sweepingeyelashes · 08/04/2022 18:48

You have to select for common sense and a willingness to think and take responsibility. My dad may have been a hard worker but he did not have those qualities in abundance. My partner may not be perfect but I can rely on him to rent a car for getting about on our weekend away to visit one of his relatives. He also chose a nice place to stay. He cooked dinner tonight because I was busy finishing off some work. He does a lot of the shopping.

ImplementingTheDennisSystem · 08/04/2022 19:03

I went through a very tricky time with my DH where I was doing everything (I'm very handy), arranging everything (I'm more proactive) and paying for everything (I'm the breadwinner). It reached a head about 18 months or so ago.
After a lot of fraught conversations (where he was genuinely upset to hear how unhappy I was) we:

Allocated him chores that can be regularly scheduled (hoovering once a week, cleaning the windows once a week and so on) and he has alarms set on his phone telling him to do them. I'm responsible for other chores and those that can't be scheduled as easily where you ha e to actually notice it needs doing.
More fairly shared our finances. He said he used to feel that he couldn't be more proactive because he couldn't afford to be, so booking holidays and so on fell to me. He sorted out our latest holiday without me having to do anything.
Agreed that I'm just naturally a better decision maker, and he's better at actioning a task he's been given. I'll say "let's get on with that woodwork project, can you order what we need" and he sits and orders supplies and physically does the work (with me project managing).

I hope I don't sound like too much of an ogre, but this is working really well for us and I now have my sanity back.

ImplementingTheDennisSystem · 08/04/2022 19:05

Oh and he also does loads of our cooking and food shopping - I'm feeling very lucky now we've got into a rhythm that works for us.

Ionlydomassiveones · 08/04/2022 19:14

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Mummy1608 · 08/04/2022 19:15

@ImplementingTheDennisSystem

Oh and he also does loads of our cooking and food shopping - I'm feeling very lucky now we've got into a rhythm that works for us.

I agree that you have to find a rhythm, that's a good word for it. For example my dh does all the tidying, washing up, and cleaning the kitchen at the end of the day while I'm settling dd for bed. Once that's established it isn't a chore and doesnt have to be discussed, it's just what happens at that time of day

Chely · 08/04/2022 19:27

General day to day stuff he is less use than a chocolate teapot, he works away a lot though so I just crack on if he's here or not. My dad worked away a lot when I was growing up too. If one of the cars break down he can do most repairs which saves a fortune and services them. Handy with DIY when he finds the time to do anything, pretty limited with time by his career unfortunately.

WildBlueAndDitzy · 09/04/2022 23:16

Oh wow! I don't think I could get wound up by laundry folded wrong or a pot plant on a windowsill...

The issue of the clothes having dried relatively crease free, is that if you then fold them haphazardly such that they form creases, you're creating a situation where someone who didn't need to do ironing now needs to do ironing and let's face it, if you're the one who's folded the clothes badly that someone probably isn't you.

The thing with the plant being left hanging over an edge is its likely to be knocked off at some point, meaning someone has to clear up the resulting mess. If the plant has been left there hanging over the edge deliberately to prove a point about the mop being accessed (as OP suspects), it's highly unlikely that point-proving-person is going to be the one to clear up the mess from the knocked over plant.

Can you see the problem now? Lazy arsed behaviour from one person creates additional work for the others who live with them.

marlowe5 · 09/04/2022 23:25

@areyougonnago

I should add he's not abusive and would never cheat ( probably too lazy) Is that enough?

Yep. I get this. I lived it. I left him.

CheeryTreeBlossom · 09/04/2022 23:54

YY to the slow creep and learned helplessness. My DH is far from useless, v self sufficient and has always done his fare share of everything but even I've noticed a slight slip in standards and not full split of the mental load - since having kids.

I think a big part of comes from mat leave and being primary carer as

On mat leave you're home all the time, so chores sort of gravitate more to you (unless you want to eat v late for him to cook once home, or do all laundry on your weekends)
you're already picking up after the kids, so what's one more. You think, ah it'll just be quicker to do it than explain it. Then it sticks even when you're both back working full time.

In our case for instance l realised I was doing all the work of sorting out days out for the family (planning the journey, buying the tickets, making the packed lunch etc). Because I like organising things, and "getting it done".
DH suggested a trip and I realized I actually didn't want to go, because I was sick of the admin. Somehow he would say "let's do X" and I would end up taking charge. Instead I said we would go if he organised it all. And he did, because he was always capable, and I enjoyed it so much more to not be the one checking the train times and consulting the map and making sandwiches.

So step back, maybe he'll step up. Maybe he won't but at least you won't be exhausted and resentful. If it turns out he really is useless and won't learn...then rethink what he's bringing to the relationship. If you continue to pick up the slack and be a martyr then he has absolutely no incentive to change.

dipdye · 09/04/2022 23:56

Don't get me started.

He puts a load of laundry in the tumble dryer.

Apparently 7pm is 'too late' to fold it and he'll do it tomorrow. And if he actually does do it tomorrow, it'll be creased up to fucking glory.

Girlmumdogmumboymum · 10/04/2022 00:01

My DH, God love him, is useless.

Hes crap with money, crap with following direction, cannot cook, cannot clean. Should in theory be good with DIY- he was a builder but hasn't been great with it in our home! He is also not particularly someone who thinks things through either.

He is however a kind man, who really tries to do what he thinks is best, and loves DD like his own, and like I said, does try!

Oh and he can iron...that saves his arse in my book. I can't stand ironing!

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