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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you would do?

38 replies

PinkAndViolet · 07/04/2022 19:02

DH and I fell out with someone who we were close with. She herself said that there was no coming back from this argument although she said she was terribly sad about it all.
Today when DH was cycling home, he saw her crying on a bench from a distance. She did not see him and he let her be as felt it wouldn't have been right to go to see her. I believe I would have done the same. Aibu or is this a standard response to a situation like this?

OP posts:
ghostyslovesheets · 07/04/2022 19:08

Not enough info to judge really but I know in similar situations I would have stopped and checked if someone I had previously cared about was okay.

Hell I even sent the OW flowers when her dad died (she lives with my now ex)

LoveSpringDaffs · 07/04/2022 19:12

I would have gone to see if she was ok, I'd risk her telling me to fuck off.

Kind of depends though which party was the hurt party in the falling out, you/he may no longer care whether she's upset or not I guess. I would though.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 07/04/2022 19:13

Nah, I’d have left her to it.

She’s made her feelings clear. Someone else can mop up her tears.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 07/04/2022 19:16

I wouldn’t have stopped.

Those saying they would, you know it’s coming from a place of support, but she’d probably just think you were taking the piss and would feel embarrassed. If I was in her position I wouldn’t want someone I didn’t consider a friend to encroach upon my solitude.

MN is constantly banging on about boundaries, don’t text so much, don’t call so much - so no I don’t think it would have been appropriate to stop.

sophienelisse · 07/04/2022 19:17

@LoveSpringDaffs

I would have gone to see if she was ok, I'd risk her telling me to fuck off.

Kind of depends though which party was the hurt party in the falling out, you/he may no longer care whether she's upset or not I guess. I would though.

And me I would have gone over also.

I'm a soft touch though I can't bear to see people upset.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 07/04/2022 19:17

Hell I even sent the OW flowers when her dad died (she lives with my now ex)

I think that’s really weird behaviour tbh, unless they were ‘from’ your children her step children.

LakieLady · 07/04/2022 19:19

I'd've stopped and spoken to her.

Life's too short to carry on feuds and bear grudges.

maddy68 · 07/04/2022 19:24

I would definitely have stopped
Sounds like she's struggling and potentially the reason for the argument in the first place

sophienelisse · 07/04/2022 19:28

@ghostyslovesheets

Not enough info to judge really but I know in similar situations I would have stopped and checked if someone I had previously cared about was okay.

Hell I even sent the OW flowers when her dad died (she lives with my now ex)

You sound very kind and very forgiving.
ghostyslovesheets · 07/04/2022 21:01

@ChiefWiggumsBoy

Hell I even sent the OW flowers when her dad died (she lives with my now ex)

I think that’s really weird behaviour tbh, unless they were ‘from’ your children her step children.

It's not weird - she is my children's step-mother and we have a friendly relationship - not mates but not hostile - she lost her dad - I even went to the funeral!
Original poster
PinkAndViolet · 07/04/2022 22:25

We fell out as she felt we did not trust her. Our kids misbehaved for her and she felt we were blaming her for it, not taking her word etc.
Wasn't expecting to have her brought back into our lives like this, in a sort of indirect way so feeling a bit weird about it all although DH is not.

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 07/04/2022 22:30

It depends on how close you were before I think.

The argument sounds quite silly tbh! Unless there was a serious incident where the trust/lack of trust came into play.

Original poster
PinkAndViolet · 08/04/2022 18:47

Well I think it was building up on her side. Probably best really that DP left her be,even if that does sound bad.

OP posts:
gettingolderandgrumpy · 08/04/2022 18:55

I would’ve gone over , tbh even if it was someone who hurt me badly if I saw then crying I’d go over even if it was can I call someone for you .
I’m not sure why you want peoples opinions guilt ? If so text ask if she’s ok worse that can happen is she ignores you . If you don’t care leave it .

Lux523 · 08/04/2022 19:10

I remember your recent thread about this. She looked after your children for you and told your husband upon pickup that they had misbehaved.
He disagreed. You all fell out.

I would have gone and asked if she was ok, especially because we were once friends, it's called kindness.

It sounds like she's better off without you both.

PinkSyCo · 08/04/2022 19:38

We fell out as she felt we did not trust her. Our kids misbehaved for her and she felt we were blaming her for it, not taking her word etc.

And was she right to feel this? Are you and your DH ‘My Johnny can do no wrong’ types? Either way I would have approached her if I saw her sitting alone crying.

misssunshine4040 · 08/04/2022 19:45

@PinkAndViolet

We fell out as she felt we did not trust her. Our kids misbehaved for her and she felt we were blaming her for it, not taking her word etc. Wasn't expecting to have her brought back into our lives like this, in a sort of indirect way so feeling a bit weird about it all although DH is not.
I remember your previous post about the kids.

What a drama about nothing honestly!

She hasn't been "brought back into your lives" again.

Your DH saw her sitting on a bench, no big deal unless you make one out of it

youwouldthink · 08/04/2022 19:45

I wouldn't pass a stranger crying without asking if they were ok. This is someone you were close to, a small check on her wouldn't have hurt

Original poster
PinkAndViolet · 08/04/2022 22:15

Well she was sitting on a bench crying so that does change things somewhat. Hmm
It's awkward all round.

OP posts:
Bryonny84 · 08/04/2022 23:02

If I see/saw someone in distress (whether I knew them or not) I would just stop and ask if they were OK. Nine times out of ten they will say yes they are OK and I'll leave it at that. The one time they say no then maybe I could just do one small thing to help. Even if I'd fell out with them.

Bunty55 · 08/04/2022 23:39

If i saw someone sitting on a bench crying I would approach them because you never know what has gone wrong in someone' s life do you, and to talk to a stranger is sometimes good medicine as it's easier to talk to a person who won't judge you.

Falling out over children is not the way to deal with a problem as you are showing negative behaviour. Perhaps you should have resolved things at the time ?

mycatisannoying · 08/04/2022 23:49

@TheLightSideOfTheMoon

Nah, I’d have left her to it.

She’s made her feelings clear. Someone else can mop up her tears.

Lovely Hmm
mycatisannoying · 08/04/2022 23:51

And I would have absolutely stopped to ask if she was ok.

She has dodged a bullet.

MangyInseam · 08/04/2022 23:52

I guess it would depend on whether I thought stopping might make her feel worse or just make her mad.

If not, probably. but it's a hard call really.

DysmalRadius · 09/04/2022 00:00

If I was upset, the last thing I would want would be to have to explain myself to someone who I had fallen out with. It's not about how nice a person you consider yourself to be, it's about doing what might actually make the person in distress feel better - if he didn't think his presence would have made things easier for her (which seems likely given how recently this all happened and how she considered him to be antagonistic) then I think he did the right thing.