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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you would do?

38 replies

PinkAndViolet · 07/04/2022 19:02

DH and I fell out with someone who we were close with. She herself said that there was no coming back from this argument although she said she was terribly sad about it all.
Today when DH was cycling home, he saw her crying on a bench from a distance. She did not see him and he let her be as felt it wouldn't have been right to go to see her. I believe I would have done the same. Aibu or is this a standard response to a situation like this?

OP posts:
WildCoasts · 09/04/2022 00:21

It depends. My instinct is to ask if someone in distress is okay. But if the falling out issue was one where it would be inappropriate or there really was no coming back from it, meaning the last thing they probably want is to interact, then I'd leave them alone. I wouldn't want to because I prefer to support people, but sometimes the contact isn't appropriate.

icklekid · 09/04/2022 04:02

I think the fact your still thinking about if it was the right thing to do/ starting a thread means that you would have stopped and checked she was ok. I know it was a tricky situation (I remember your thread too) but it wasn’t so hurtful that you’d wish her harm. I could understand your dh not approaching because of the way you feel out being between them but I don’t see why you couldn’t text her and say he saw her upset earlier and you just want to check in. You fell out because she messaged you about what happened with dh. You didn’t think that was fair and felt you had to back up dh… if you had had really bad news and didn’t have anyone but her to offer support would you want her to message/check in?

Turningpurple · 09/04/2022 05:38

I remember you last thread.

He did the right thing. The last thing she needs, after the way you both treated her was him approaching her now.

He didn't really care your kids had misbehaved for her and basically told her he didn't believe her. And it was really recent. If it had been years before, maybe.

You were very dramatic on that thread too. She hasn't been dragged back into your life your husband saw her. That was it. It will happen. Its not a TV show, where once the main characters end a relationship with someone they disappear never to be seen again.

EggAndHasBeans · 09/04/2022 05:58

Did you post about the fall out, your DH went to pick up the DC from her?

The only person I have gone NC with hates me with a passion so I probably wouldn't have stopped to see if she was ok, she has rage issues that kinda scare me.

I would have with anyone else if it was just a normal disagreement/fall out.

EdgyNeonAnt · 09/04/2022 06:41

I also remember your last thread and also wouldn't have approached her after the way you both treated her.

Bornsloppy · 09/04/2022 06:45

I also remember your last thread. I think it's probably for the best that you leave her alone.

Teeturtle · 09/04/2022 06:50

Well I didn’t remember your last thread, but by the sounds of it your husband did the right thing by not stopping.

whoturnedthesunoff · 09/04/2022 06:59

In this case it's probably best he did nothing

Someone crying on a bench ? They could have been assaulted , robbed , witnessed something, seen a dog attacked , been told of a recent death, felt physically unwell .. so many possibilities so I would always just ask " are you ok, can I help" and move on if they say no . It's not hard to be a little kind

GeneLovesJezebel · 09/04/2022 07:01

I’d have carried on, she knows where you are if she needs help.

girlmom21 · 09/04/2022 07:04

Are you the couple who fell out because "if you've got a problem with my husband you've got a problem with me"?

Of course your husband wouldn't have gone over to her. He's an arse.

I would have gone over to her but, if that thread was you, it's very clear that you didn't care about her like she cared about yiu.

Bluebluemoon · 09/04/2022 07:07

I knew it was you from the "friend telling off dc's" thread as soon as I read your OP!

No - your dh did the right thing. It sounds totally orchestrated to me - does she know he rides that route? Sat in public on a bench crying?

She sounded like a right drama llama in the last thread - I wouldn't let her worm her way back in to your life and also I agree it would be inappropriate for your dh to have approached her. She told you in no uncertain terms she didn't want to be friends anymore. Respect her wishes!

swapsicles · 09/04/2022 07:25

I'd have stopped, just briefly at a distance and asked if she was ok.you just don't know what has happened and may need a bit of help. Course she could say she's fine but at least I've tried.
I did ask a random stranger once if they were ok as looked distressed and stayed with her until her friend arrived, ended up crying myself once I'd left as was very sad but hoped she felt a bit more supported for the time she had to wait with me, she did seem to calm down when we were talking rather than just breaking down in the middle of the shopping centre.

Original poster
PinkAndViolet · 09/04/2022 18:23

Why would she orchestrate it when it was her who said she felt there wasn't a way we could all stay friends after this Hmm

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