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Original poster

Have i overreacted re NSPCC call/referral/possible triggering

75 replies

Itsjeremycorbynsfault · 07/04/2022 12:20

I'm torn this morning after my DD told me that a friend has been getting her to play a game of 'girlfriend and boyfriend' under the bed which involved this friend touching my DD's private parts.

They are just six years old and i thought this highly inappropriate behaviour for this age and contacted NSPCC who have referred to children's services.

I'm now worried i've overreacted and perhaps i should have addressed it direct with the other parents first. I just didn't feel that this was 'normal' behaviour.

I feel sick about the situation as i experienced CSA as a child and feel this may have clouded my judgement if i've overreacted

OP posts:
incognitoforthisone · 07/04/2022 13:41

Even young kids can be fascinated by each other's bits, or might see something inappropriate entirely by accident and have it explained by panicked, mortified parents as 'nothing to worry about, it's a thing that grown-ups sometimes do but it's only for boyfriends and girlfriends', or hear something inappropriate from older siblings. So let's hope for everyone's sake that there's nothing more sinister behind it.

BUT you absolutely did the correct thing when you reported it. You haven't made any accusations - all you've done is expressed a concern so that professionals can take a look at things and check if all seems OK. The NSPCC, child protection services etc will take lots of calls like this and they will know if and when to investigate - they're qualified to do that.

This whole situation must have been extremely difficult for you - take care, OP.

Maternitynamechange · 07/04/2022 13:44

Genital fascination isn’t the same as knowing that “girlfriends/ boyfriends” touch each others genitalia. Even if the kid has been taught the facts of life, that’s a detail that’s not usually included at that age. You definitely did the right thing.

Notthedeadparrotsketch · 07/04/2022 13:49

They are children FFS!

no offence OP, but you've just ruined a families life and forced a complex on your own daughter who will now be scared to tell you anything ever again.

Mossstitch · 07/04/2022 13:51

You obviously have a really good relationship with your daughter and should congratulate yourself that she came to you. Things happened to me between the ages of 3-7 from other children, some of which I can only bring faintly to mind, but there is no way I would have told my mother. I'm sure you praised her for telling you but I would reinforce that so she knows as she gets older that she can tell you anything💐 you definitely did the right thing not telling the other little girl's parents first, just in case she is being abused by any of the adults that care for her, so that it can properly be investigated.

Seraphinesupport · 07/04/2022 13:53

... considering if she told anyone else that her vagina hurt and was touched, they would call SS on YOU then no yanbu.

You need to protect your daughter now. do not let her see this other child again.

AthenaPopodopolous · 07/04/2022 13:54

Goodness sakes, I think people forget that children experiment sexually. I think it’s ridiculous to be honest and a gross over reaction.
I think your own experience is clouding your perception.

Crimesean · 07/04/2022 13:54

@Notthedeadparrotsketch

They are children FFS!

no offence OP, but you've just ruined a families life and forced a complex on your own daughter who will now be scared to tell you anything ever again.

WTF? That other poor child has shown a compelling sign that she's either being abused herself, or has seen or heard far more than a 5-year-old should. OP has taken the right action to protect her DD and the other child.

"Ruined" another family's life? So we should all ignore signs of sexual abuse in case it upsets someone?

If it were my child instigating something like that I'd 100% want to know, and I'd want to know where on earth they'd got it from so I could prevent my child having further contact with the source!

Crimesean · 07/04/2022 13:55

@AthenaPopodopolous

Goodness sakes, I think people forget that children experiment sexually. I think it’s ridiculous to be honest and a gross over reaction. I think your own experience is clouding your perception.
5 year old experimenting sexually? Are you on glue? That's really not normal.
lillyrabbit · 07/04/2022 13:56

@Notthedeadparrotsketch

They are children FFS!

no offence OP, but you've just ruined a families life and forced a complex on your own daughter who will now be scared to tell you anything ever again.

Is this a joke?! How one earth can you think that this is appropriate or normal behaviour for such young children?! I have a child of roughly the same age and would be horrified by this. The OP did precisely the right thing. It might be the case that the child has just heard something inappropriate from an older sibling, or at the other extreme this child could be suffering abuse. Would you take that chance?
RonObvious · 07/04/2022 13:57

@Notthedeadparrotsketch

They are children FFS!

no offence OP, but you've just ruined a families life and forced a complex on your own daughter who will now be scared to tell you anything ever again.

Blimey. I'd hate to see what you say when you actually do want to cause offence.
CrowUpNorth · 07/04/2022 13:59

Wish someone like OP had been around when I was little. Good call.

Justleaveitblankthen · 07/04/2022 14:00

So a not quite six year old child knows that 'boyfriend and girlfriends' touch each other underneath their underwear? WTAF?! Not for a single second did you not act completely correctly OP.
Leave this to trained professionals. They will know exactly how to go forward from here.
Ignore completely the PP up thread please xx

Echobelly · 07/04/2022 14:01

If it were just touching out curiosity/ doing 'Doctors & Nurses' I might have felt a bit like @Notthedeadparrotsketch tbh. BUT that other child called it 'girlfriend and boyfriend' does imply a sexualised context and may be cause for concern. Again, not guaranteed it is a problem, may just be curiosity and misunderstanding, but worth raising.

waterrat · 07/04/2022 14:02

I think you were right to report if concerned. It is however normal to play games like this at this age particularly showing and comparing. I think touching is always inappropriate and nothing wrong with a child learning that even if no abuse involved

Sadly child abuse is rife so better safe than sorry

Pinkyxx · 07/04/2022 14:05

Ignore the comments regards over-reaction. Your daughter has disclosed something to you and she's looking to you to help her. You did the right thing to call the NSPCC.

I've been in the same situation as you, following a disclosure from my daughter when she was younger. There are certain behaviors that are indicative of CSA ( note I say indictive not determinative) and in such cases it is essential to assess further. What you have told the NSPCC has given them sufficient cause to feel a referral is appropriate.

The connection drawn between genitals and relationships is not an age appropriate one however it does not mean there was abuse - there could be a myriad of explanations for this. This needs investigating for the protection of all children. Children services have people who are specially trained to work with children to determine whether there is abuse. They do in a very child centric way, so neither yourself nor your daughter have anything to fear.

Original poster
Itsjeremycorbynsfault · 07/04/2022 14:20

@Notthedeadparrotsketch

They are children FFS!

no offence OP, but you've just ruined a families life and forced a complex on your own daughter who will now be scared to tell you anything ever again.

I don't think i have given my DD a complex at all. She has no idea i've called NSPCC. I didn't flail about in front of her in a panic !

I thanked her for telling me and said she did the right thing to tell me and that she can always talk to me if something is troubling her.

OP posts:
Greyarea12 · 07/04/2022 14:35

You have not over reacted. If anything there is a chance you have just saved a child from sexual abuse because when young children participate in 'games' such as the one she asked your daughter to it can be a sign that the child is being sexually abused themselves.
I had a very similar situation with my child. Aged 3 another child was taking them into the toilet and asking them to show their private parts to each other. I reported it to the nursery incase that child was being abused.

Original poster
Itsjeremycorbynsfault · 07/04/2022 14:44

Thanks everyone, appreciate the replies.

OP posts:
Thenose · 07/04/2022 14:45

Of course you haven't given your daughter a 'complex' by properly safeguarding her friend.

Common behaviours for this age group include children touching their own genitalia, showing their genitalia to another child, and looking at the genitalia of another child. Unless these behaviours are overly frequent or accompanied by an unusual demeanour or script, they're usually of no concern.

On the other hand, it is abnormal and a GREAT BIG MASSIVE RED FLAG for sexual abuse victimisation if a child attempts to: insert a body part or object into another child's genitalia, put their mouth on a genital area, or asks to be touched in their genital area.

These latter behaviours should always be reported. The research shows that almost every practitioner working with this age group states that they are rare, of concern, and would lead them to report. You didn't over-react; you did exactly what you were supposed to do.

ImFree2doasiwant · 07/04/2022 14:47

I don't think you've overreacted at all. I had a similar experience with a friend at around age 7 or 8 I think. Years later we discovered both her dad and brother had been sexually abusing her.

dfendyr · 07/04/2022 14:52

@Notthedeadparrotsketch

They are children FFS!

no offence OP, but you've just ruined a families life and forced a complex on your own daughter who will now be scared to tell you anything ever again.

but you've just ruined a families life

Excuse me?

INeedNewShoes · 07/04/2022 15:11

I think you were right to report. It's up to the professionals to make a judgement on what the right course of action is.

A friend did this to me at a similar age. I wasn't that bothered about it but given that I still remember that particular 'game' at this friends house and not much else about going there, suggests it probably did bother me more than I thought.

That friend was being exposed to 18 rated films which I assume is where her curiosity came from whereas I hadn't the foggiest what it was about until later.

raspberrymuffin · 07/04/2022 15:18

It's worth reminding yourself that if it was nothing to worry about and you'd overreacted, NSPCC wouldn't have made the referral. They know what they're doing and wouldn't waste children's services time unless they agreed it was something that needed looking into.

Neverreturntoathread · 07/04/2022 15:22

You did the right thing OP. The othernchild wasn’t behaving normally and has either been sexually assaulted by someone older or exposed to inappropriate tv/media content. NSPCC are the experts let them advise.

Focus now on your child who had been sexually assaulted and needs support. Make sure your child is crystal clear that no one (other than parents / doctor helping with cleaning or medical stuff) should ever touch her vulva until she is an adult. Make sure she knows that even then touching should be consensual and never hurt.

Teaching young chikdren what sexual assault looks like is the first step in protecting them from it. Your DD did not know enough to leave the bed and run for help. Please teach her.

LyndaSnellsSniff · 07/04/2022 15:26

You did absolutely the right thing. It’s always better to do something and find that you were wrong than to do nothing and it turn out you were right.