To think my best life is one without kids

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Disclaimer: I appreciate every woman's situation and drive to have kids is different.

I'm in my mid-30s and trying to untangle my childhood/adolescent trauma from just a plain and simple decision: my adult life will be more enriching if I live it for myself rather than through bringing up kids.

For background, going as far back as I can trace my family have all (every single member as far as i can tell, in all directions!) been deeply unhappy one way or another for significant parts of their lives. There's been many kinds of mental illness, addiction, tragedy, grinding poverty, emotional abuse, the women have typically been denied or avoided chances to work/socialise fully etc., and yet most relatives had families of their own with seemingly varying degrees of satisfaction in later life. My own mum struggles with depression and anxiety, my dad is a not very functioning narcissist and addict, and I go to free counselling sessions to try and manage the effects of that, but it's quite hands-off and deals more with tools to manage the symptoms (my in the moment feelings and behaviour) rather than the more philosophical/psychological impacts on my life (obvs am using mumsnet for that!).

I'm the first generation to not feel pressured into having kids, and the first one to have had really good educational opportunities. I've put my education, hobbies, relationships and career first as a result, and live a really fulfilling life; it's way more than I ever expected to have as a child and I'm grateful every day for this. I've never felt like anything is "missing" except in previous years when my social life wasn't as busy. When I think of the future, and try and picture kids, my mind just feels like a black hole. All I can think of instead in the future is going hiking with a partner and/or friends, becoming really good on my instrument, writing a book, visiting new places...basically living out my hobbies.

I still however feel like I'm somehow approaching this in a dysfunctional way and reacting against my shitty childhood and troubled family by not having a child and wanting to be successful within my own life (to me living a successful life is to be independent, free of most worries, and content, and I create that freedom and serenity through having time to myself).

So my AIBU is to ask will I wake up in ten years and realise I've fucked myself over? How do I know I'm choosing the path that'll really make me happy rather than avoiding my trauma? And should I just chill out?

I can't afford proper psychotherapy before anyone mentions it - I have a career but I don't have money left over for sessions (another reason I don't want kids: I can't afford them, and I think if I really did want them, the financial pain wouldn't be a barrier - I'd find a way to make it work somehow, or that's what other families have told me).

Thanks for reading, any thoughts on this would be really appreciated.

My thoughts are - well done. It's so important to do this work on yourself, to see why decisions have been made in the past, how they affected you, whether you have to or want to make the same decisions. . . to me, you only should have kids if you really, really, REALLY want to, and for the right reasons, which can be peculiar to the individual, but should ultimately come down to the interests of the child.

Absolutely font have kids if you're not 100% committed to it. It's hugely rewarding (for me not everyone) but it is really, really hard work and involves lots of personal sacrifice. If you have kids and then decide it's not what you wanted it's not fair on the kids

Your life sounds brilliant as it is. Why throw a grenade into it with a child you’re not sure you want? If you don’t want kids, that’s fine and not necessarily a reaction to your childhood. I knew I didn’t want kids from when I was a kid myself - I also grew up in a dysfunctional household but my lack of desire for kids was there from before I could possibly have intellectualised this.

Does it actually matter why you don't want kids? It's enough that you don't want them to make that decision. "Will I regret it in 10 years" is a bit of a red herring - if you have kids, you may also regret it in 10 years or a lot sooner!

You do not need to have children to live a happy, enriched, fulfilled life. I think you've raised some really self-aware points; and even women who 100% 'know' they want children go on to regret it.

I knew for ages that I really, really wanted a dog. I'd been following Instagram accounts for years of the cutest kinds, read endless articles about them and I just had this craving for one of my own. Thank God I had all that energy and found the breed so adorable in all ways because I needed it to get through the first few weeks of sleep and house training last year

I don't have that same feeling with kids. I appreciate their cute faces and quirky ways of commenting on the world, it's quite heartwarming and sometimes I feel like I'd give them a REALLY good upbringing and that would be fulfilling in itself but I don't crave to have them in the day to day in the way I did and do with my pet. I also get told a lot by my friends and sometimes almost complete strangers that I appear maternal and would make a very good mother but I just feel confused and a little sad when they say that, as if I'm missing out by not wanting to put that into practice full time. Now if they said I'd make a good dog owner, I'd be pleased as Punch as that's a lot easier to fulfil!

Also - wait for the for the 'why are you on Mumsnet' bingo card - they'll be along shortly!

My daughter is great with kids, and not maternal. She's adamant she does not want children, and I believe her. She is 16. She is, however, absolutely goopy about dogs.

I don’t think you need to second guess yourself. If you don’t think you want kids, don’t have them. Your plans for a child free life sound great.

I'm another who thinks if you don't want them, don't have them. Your thinking sounds clear and rational.

We all regret the path we take sometimes so you may get a few pangs along the way, but no more than anyone else imo.

Haha @setthescenes I've been on Mumsnet for the last 10 years or so! As well as learning all the great non-kids lifestyle tips (though I've read tons about kids as well along the way) I wanted lots of info on how other people outside my family and friends manage to balance a family with their personal life - even in my 20s I was dithering over this question but always felt like I'd have more time to decide...

That all sounds very reasonable to me. If it's not something you've longed for then you absolutely don't need children to have a fulfilling life. You have lots of plans, hobbies and interests by the sound of things so your life is likely to be full and varied (many people have children because they're bored and looking for the next "thing").

I have DC and while I am now glad I did, the early years were hellish and I regretted it often. It brings up a lot of shit from your own childhood and it can be very distressing when you find yourself repeating dysfunctional patterns of your own upbringing even though you swore you never would/didn't think you had it in you.

What does your partner feel? Are they happy to be childfree?

Don't do it, don't have kids, you'll regret it, if that's how you feel about having kids now. Once you have kids it's not a decision you can reverse...so you'll live with regret all your life and not be able to do anything about it.
Whereas, with the option to remain child-free, in the unlikely scenario you regret it in 10 years time, there's always the option to become a foster carer or work/career in childcare, if you were to suddenly start loving being around kids.

I was like you. Got to 35 without the slightest inclination to have kids. Didn't like children, no urge to have them. Could probably have been happy without.
Made a decision based on fear of regret.
It was the single best decision of my life.

I look back and see my life in distinct chunks.
0 to 20 - not great. Don't have rosy childhood memories.
20 - 35 - had a fantastic time with DH, just the two of us.
36 to 58 the best years of my life, with DC growing up.
58 onwards- back to just the two of us, financially comfortable but health issues. Adult DC are still a shining light
Raising children takes around 20 - 25 years. Hopefully less than half of your adult life.

I still don't like small children.

You sound absolutely certain you don't want kids and you should stick with that. They would 100% ruin all your activities and social life you have going on. And I am sure you would resent that. There may be a time in the future when you wonder if you made the right decision. But you just need to remember why you made it.

I would never try and convince someone to have kids who doesn't want them. There would be infinitely more times you wonder why you did than why you didn't.

Also, you make no mention of a partner. For me I was certain I wouldn't have kids because I couldn't imagine ever being so certain I would want to be with someone forever. For me it made more sense to be with a person where you knew that was the right thing, than simply deciding you want kids.

Thanks everyone, your replies are really heartening

My partner thought he wanted children all his life but since we got our dog he has changed his tune(!). He didn't realise how much work would be involved (hates reading/research and always wants to experience things directly himself), and struggles with the 50/50 care and change involved as it is. Although it's clear he adores DDog I know I wouldn't get the support I'd need if I had kids with him, but that's not the main reason I'm leaning towards not having them (I felt ambivalent way before I met him). Interestingly he now says he mostly wanted kids before because it's what he felt was expected of him by his family and society. I'm open to thinking about adoption/fostering in the future and whereas I feel a bit sad at the thought of not getting the fun of seeing if DD or DS has mine or my partner's features I only feel it on a shallow level. The kind of "aaaaah I really want to pass on my genes and create more of us" kinda instinct which I'm guessing exists in some people just seems to be missing in me, which I'm finding it hard to accept (I'm the kind of person who wants to experience most stuff!).

I could have written your opening post.

I've posted about my childhood many times on here, but long story short: both parents narcissists, both came from pretty fucked up families of origin, both didn't actually want children but ended up with three as my mother is Catholic. Both terrible parents. Father checked out of full time parenting when I was 9, mother followed him around the world, dragging us with her, because her marriage was more important to her than her children. My father left her for OW when I was 21.

I've never wanted children. I knew from when I was 9 that I would not be having children. I've been pregnant twice in my life and terminated both immediately, without a moments hesitation - the last was when I was happily married to my second husband (he didn't want children either). I wouldn't date a man who did want children. I'm now 53 and if you add up all the time that I've even vaguely thought 'maybe I should have' it wouldn't add up to an hour out of my life.

I have two brothers, and they haven't had children, either. I've never felt 'that way' about children...cats, yes. I've got two cats and they mean the world to me.

Your life sounds lovely🙂. You may regret not having kids but from what you’ve written, if you have kids that’s twenty years of worry, no time to yourself and not being able to do the things you enjoy. You’ll regret that far more x

Don't listen to anyone saying "you just make it work".
You might. But DH and I are currently observing two friends of ours literally not making it work!

OP you come across like you feel you need to justify your decision. You don’t. Stick with the dog. Maybe get more dogs. Do what makes you happy, it’s no one else’s business, it’s really not. They’ll still have opinions, but they’re just noise.

It wasn't about genes for me. It was just a longing, a desire, a need that varied between nagging and intense.

If I'm completely honest, I would say think very carefully before adopting or fostering, but the process for those will help you do that. I will just mention being an Independent Visitor for looked after children- an aunt of mine did this (she has children of her own too) and it might be of interest.

You sound like you’ve really thought this through, so have the courage of your convictions. Your life sounds fantastic.
There are more ways than giving birth to enjoy the company of children, volunteering with kids groups, being around family members, paid work… and you get to give them back at the end!
I love my kids, but some days I really wished I’d not had them. If those days outnumbered the good ones I can easily see how mental health would be damaged.
As it is, one of my kids has SN and I worry constantly about his future, what might happen, if he will ever manage away from us. The lovely ideal doesn’t work out for so many.
So if you’re in any way ambivalent, don’t do it, really.
You seem like a lovely happy person as you are, given your history I don’t think I would change things. Embrace all that your life offers you and don’t let other peoples opinions get in the way, they aren’t the ones picking up the pieces if it does go wrong.
Be happy, op. You deserve it.

No one can answer if you'll feel differently in 10 years, I'd try not to hang on too tightly to that concern. My life is completely different to where I thought I'd be 10 years ago. I agree with PP don't have DC if you don't 100% want to. I certainly wouldn't have them just in case you regret not having them later. I am 100% sure that for some people their best life is childfree.

I always, always wanted DC from when I was really little, never changed, it's been so hard, SN, my own health issues, marriage break down, no support, I don't regret having them for a moment. Do i think everyone would feel that way? No I don't. Do I think if you have DC you'll end up loving life with DC? No I don't. Some people absolutely do end up regretting the DC they have. People don't like to say it on here. Work through it, I'm sure you could find books that would help with your trauma and with the question about DC. Not as good as therapy, but still could help. Keep being honest with yourself. It doesn't have to be an absolute this moment decision for life, if it's bothering you, you could decide a time to reassess say 40th birthday, and then let it go, get on with other things and see if anything's changed in a few years.

Have you heard of Jeannie Mai? I think she was married to her first husband for 10 years. She never wanted children. They separated and she married someone else. She was afraid of having children due to her trauma. It appears she worked through her trauma and now has a daughter. There is no right or wrong. I would definitely take advantage of the free counselling and explore the issue or other issues if you feel called. It fine not to want children and it is fine to be scared or not ready to have them.

Best advice I ever had about pursuing career opportunity's was to not think about what I needed to do to get a particular job but what I was willing to give up for it.

deciding on whether to have a baby is a lot more complicated (and final)... but requires a huge amount of sacrifice Are you prepared to put pursuit of your hobbies, financial comfort, freedom of social life to one side for best part of 18 years?

Yes you could prob do it if you have to... but ultimately do you want to? Fear of regret shouldn't drive your decision now. If you choose not have children hold on the reasons why this was right for you and look back on them with confidence.