To think my best life is one without kids

[Boxbox2]

Disclaimer: I appreciate every woman's situation and drive to have kids is different.

I'm in my mid-30s and trying to untangle my childhood/adolescent trauma from just a plain and simple decision: my adult life will be more enriching if I live it for myself rather than through bringing up kids.

For background, going as far back as I can trace my family have all (every single member as far as i can tell, in all directions!) been deeply unhappy one way or another for significant parts of their lives. There's been many kinds of mental illness, addiction, tragedy, grinding poverty, emotional abuse, the women have typically been denied or avoided chances to work/socialise fully etc., and yet most relatives had families of their own with seemingly varying degrees of satisfaction in later life. My own mum struggles with depression and anxiety, my dad is a not very functioning narcissist and addict, and I go to free counselling sessions to try and manage the effects of that, but it's quite hands-off and deals more with tools to manage the symptoms (my in the moment feelings and behaviour) rather than the more philosophical/psychological impacts on my life (obvs am using mumsnet for that!).

I'm the first generation to not feel pressured into having kids, and the first one to have had really good educational opportunities. I've put my education, hobbies, relationships and career first as a result, and live a really fulfilling life; it's way more than I ever expected to have as a child and I'm grateful every day for this. I've never felt like anything is "missing" except in previous years when my social life wasn't as busy. When I think of the future, and try and picture kids, my mind just feels like a black hole. All I can think of instead in the future is going hiking with a partner and/or friends, becoming really good on my instrument, writing a book, visiting new places...basically living out my hobbies.

I still however feel like I'm somehow approaching this in a dysfunctional way and reacting against my shitty childhood and troubled family by not having a child and wanting to be successful within my own life (to me living a successful life is to be independent, free of most worries, and content, and I create that freedom and serenity through having time to myself).

So my AIBU is to ask will I wake up in ten years and realise I've fucked myself over? How do I know I'm choosing the path that'll really make me happy rather than avoiding my trauma? And should I just chill out?

I can't afford proper psychotherapy before anyone mentions it - I have a career but I don't have money left over for sessions (another reason I don't want kids: I can't afford them, and I think if I really did want them, the financial pain wouldn't be a barrier - I'd find a way to make it work somehow, or that's what other families have told me).

Thanks for reading, any thoughts on this would be really appreciated.

The kind of central question in your post resonated with me - I’ve had counselling sessions where I really wanted to explore the questions around why I don’t feel ready for kids when so many of my contemporaries do, is it just how I feel, genuinely, or is it a reaction to some of the less good experiences in my life. Anyway I didn’t really manage to unpick it all because I didn’t have a strong enough bond with the counsellor (shame). Right now I’m taking the line a PP mentioned and trying not to second guess myself but it’s a tricky position to be in emotionally. I think I’m a bit mire ambivalent than you though, you do sound quite comfortable in a child free life.

I think when you've had that childhood experience it's really natural to question if your views about family life have been skewed, and to question whether to accept your own feelings.

However if you took the childhood angle out, and say a friend told you 'i like kids, but i've never felt the urge to have them. I've never pictured myself with kids. But I love my dog and my hobbies. Do you think that's ok/sensible?' - what do you think you would advise them?

Fwiw I don't have children, a lot of people assume I'm maternal because I work in a caring role, but while I like children I've never felt I needed my own. I can relate to always picturing myself with pets, I would daydream about it, thought about names, imagine what it would be like to have them esp when visiting other people's - I was honestly surprised when I realised that's how a lot of my peers felt about children and had done since they were teenagers!

It's a weird one isn't it, @callingon. I know some of my preferences and peculiarities are because I was particularly upset about the lack of them as a kid (even daft minor stuff like always being very fastidious about a consistent supply of clean towels, finding cheap ways to keep warm while having windows open in the house etc.) all of which I can laugh about with my partner as quirks.

It's the bigger stuff, the longer term life decisions rather than lifestyle, which I'm finding harder to unpick from my background.

I like what has already been said about it shouldn't really matter where the decision originates as long as I'm happy right now. I really am and can't imagine being significantly more so (even with a low previous bar)...maybe it's best not to rock the boat. I've just always been driven to improve or achieve and think I might be a bit too comfortable and it's messing up my thinking a bit about the future and what I should be aiming towards.

Well it's a hell of a gamble to take. If you regret not having kids, that only affects you and you'll find a way to live with that regret. If you did have kids knowing that when you think of it you feel a big black hole then however much you suffer, the children would suffer more.

So if you don't whole heartedly want children, don't have them. Because having kids is really, really hard in just about every way and some days the only thing that sustains me is the knowledge that i wanted them. If you enjoy your life now, and don't feel like children are missing, don't do it.

It sounds perfect. Don't overthink it, live for yourself and your relationships you already have

It's really very simple. Only ever have children if you really want them.

Just echoing what others have said-if you don’t want to have children, don’t. And don’t worry about it or try to justify your decision. It’s fine!

You sound very mature and thoughtful about this. Absolutely dont have children if you 100% want them. They are hard work. You can have an amazing full life without them in it especially if you have a loving partner and lovely dog plus your career.

It might already be too late for you to have children so if I were you I'd get a Fertility MOT done at a local fertility clinic before you continue to waste time thinking about it.

Your life sounds fulfilled to me. Don’t have kids because other people expect you to. It sounds like your gut is saying you don’t want them so don’t have them and don’t have them because you’re worried you’ll regret it in 10 years. FOMO is not a good reason to have kids, lots of people do that and regret it.

So you don't have kids 🤷🏼‍♀️

Don't for a minute second guess yourself. You know you. Live you.

**Chonfox

I have DC and while I am now glad I did, the early years were hellish and I regretted it often. It brings up a lot of shit from your own childhood and it can be very distressing when you find yourself repeating dysfunctional patterns of your own upbringing even though you swore you never would/didn't think you had it in you. **

That is so true.

@SpringHasSprungYay

So you don't have kids 🤷🏼‍♀️

Agree with this. If you don't want kids, don't have them?

Not sure why you feel the need to justify your choice/s.

Honestly - having children is amazing, and I wouldnt change it for the world.

BUT - oh my God it is a drudge. I am coming to the end of the journey - oldest is 20, youngest is 14. I feel like I have been working 24/7 for 20 years. I can't imagine how many thousands of packed lunches, loads of laundry, snotty noses, shitty bums, health issues, mental health issues, many hundreds of thousands of dollars in school fees, how many miles I have driven, how many holidays have been compromises have been our reality.

That takes commitment - had I known I might have thought twice.

Good on you for considering what YOU need. No children is a valid choice.

@Boxbox2

I knew for ages that I really, really wanted a dog. I'd been following Instagram accounts for years of the cutest kinds, read endless articles about them and I just had this craving for one of my own. Thank God I had all that energy and found the breed so adorable in all ways because I needed it to get through the first few weeks of sleep and house training last year

I don't have that same feeling with kids. I appreciate their cute faces and quirky ways of commenting on the world, it's quite heartwarming and sometimes I feel like I'd give them a REALLY good upbringing and that would be fulfilling in itself but I don't crave to have them in the day to day in the way I did and do with my pet. I also get told a lot by my friends and sometimes almost complete strangers that I appear maternal and would make a very good mother but I just feel confused and a little sad when they say that, as if I'm missing out by not wanting to put that into practice full time. Now if they said I'd make a good dog owner, I'd be pleased as Punch as that's a lot easier to fulfil!

Have you considered adding volunteering with kids to your list of hobbies? That way you could use your natural maternal/parenting tendencies without having the responsibility of a DC full time. There's nothing wrong with lavishing your maternal tendencies on your pet either.

Everyone is different and has had very different experiences growing up. You family certainly seems to have had their trials and i can understand how that has give you the perspective you now have about parenthood. I was a 'career woman' and never 'wanted' children as such in the way that I never really imagined myself as pregnant. I didn't get married until my mid thirties and inherited 2 teenage step children and for the most part enjoyed being a step mum. Then in my early 40s I stated thinking about adopting, doing all the research, reading up, going on courses, and confronting the realities, we eventually adopted a brother and sister who were 4 and 2. It's been tough, they both turn out to have ASD , ADHD and other attachment problems but i feel it's been the making of me. The smallest gains are so worth it, I don't care if I never see a foreign beach again or fly round the world to some exotic place, I can truly say we have made a massive difference to 2 other people's lives, they certainly wouldn't be where they are today without us and we wouldn't be without them. They have given meaning to my life and I love them dearly.

There's no right or wrong here. Some people, like me, can't imagine life without children and have always wanted them. Others just don't want children for whatever reason, and that's fine too. I know people without children living very fulfilling lives.To each their own.

No don’t have children. Any potential children deserve a better parent than you seem to vaguely selfishly consider you may be.

@gah2teenagers

No don’t have children. Any potential children deserve a better parent than you seem to vaguely selfishly consider you may be.

Ooh, aren't you a peach!

Don’t have kids in the expectation that they will make you happy: that’s not their job and it’s unfair to put that weight on then.

For me, the trick to being happy as a parent is to be that way despite the lack of time, lack of money, demands for attention, shelving my own wants / hobbies / desires (for a while anyway), etc that parenting brings. I count my blessings daily that I am able to make space in my life and my head for my children and still be happy in my life nonetheless.

If your hobbies, partner, dog, etc bring you joy, you can stick with that. If you believe that having to put these things to the side and focus on a baby / child for years would cause you serious unhappiness - to the point that it affects your mental well being, it’s okay to prioritise that.

My sister doesn’t have children. I think she has made the right choice. For her, being able to do what she wants, when she wants to, is vital. She’s mentally a bit wobbly (anxiety) and her hobbies, reading, gardening, partner, cat, lovely tidy house, etc help keep her going. The chaos (as she would see it) that comes with kids would not suit her at all.

it's quite heartwarming and sometimes I feel like I'd give them a REALLY good upbringing and that would be fulfilling in itself but I don't crave to have them in the day to day in the way I did and do with my pet. I also get told a lot by my friends and sometimes almost complete strangers that I appear maternal and would make a very good mother but I just feel confused and a little sad when they say that, as if I'm missing out by not wanting to put that into practice full time.

Don’t look to children to be “fulfilling” . That’s not their job. It’s the day-to-day grind that is the real job of parenting, the real hard work: the putting down your book - again- to go find a missing sock, the getting up early to organise breakfast before anyone else is up, the going on holidays that suit them not you, the play dates and school runs and soft plays and the relentless shelving of your own wants for quite some time. The breaking up of squabbles, the doing of home work, the nagging of ungrateful teens. The getting up as soon as you sat down to help with something. All the bloody laundry! Worrying about tests and exams and medical results, friendship groups and mental health issues. Wanting to help and not knowing how to. Smelly teenage feet on your sofa. Not drinking a hot cup of tea for at least two years. Baby proofing. Breast feeding, sleeping (not), nappy changing. It’s the three am “mummy I’m going to be siiiiiiiii…” clear ups. It’s having a stinking cold and just keeping going. And doing all of this in a kind way, without shouting too much or getting depressed.

None of the above fulfills me. That’s my job and it’s quite a separate thing. It’s not my children’s responsibility to make me feel good. Ok, it’s good if they don’t actively make me feel bad, but feeling good about myself is for me to take care of irrespective of whatever they are up to.

I think what you are feeling are normal maternal impulses: that what your body and your brain want and expect you to do, as a female mammal. But you have the luxury of choice, which many women don’t. And I think that’sa good thing.

My sister is a brilliant aunty - and she’s really glad to get back to her calm, serene, entirely adult life once we leave!

It’s not my children’s responsibility to make me feel good. Ok, it’s good if they don’t actively make me feel bad, but feeling good about myself is for me to take care of irrespective of whatever they are up to.

This is so true, @workwoes123. Our job is to parent our children so that they can go on to have fulfilling lives, not to look after us or make us feel good! I do get fulfillment from being a parent, but that's because I wanted to have children and I was able to have them, that in itself makes me happy, even when they're being terrors.

‘ I know I wouldn't get the support I'd need if I had kids with him’

That’s not great, whether or not you want DC!

You say your DP isn’t a big factor in your current preference not to try to have DC, which is good, as there’s the scenario that you don’t have DC, stay together ten years until it’d be unlikely you could have biological DC, then he has a DC with someone else.

If you’re unsure about DC, adoption would be unlikely to be feasible or a good idea.