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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Resentment towards husband during IVF journey

41 replies

VintageDreamr · 06/04/2022 13:59

My husband and I had decided to try IVF to conceive our second child (first was natural) due to our age, I am 40, he’s 50. We didn’t do much research before going into it, but he did it before with his ex wife without success (on which he blamed it on her because she refused to take things easy after the transfer). The journey started alright, but as the time goes on, I feel more and more resentful towards my husband. I felt that he was not emotionally and mentally supportive throughout the process (he was busy on his phone while I was recovering from the egg retrieval procedure and before my embryo transfer; he was complaining about the waiting time during the registration for the egg retrieval procedure and appear sulky thereafter; masturbating a few hours after I gave him oral pleasures for the 3rd time on that day). Just before the embryo transfer we had a big fight because I was fed up with him looking at his phone almost continuously. And the fight continued on the way home, on which I mentioned that I didn’t like what he did (masturbation right after we had oral sex). He said he would continue doing it although he knows it hurts me. We barely talk now, and we are in the stage of waiting to see if we get pregnant or not. I somehow feel he was being insensitive, immature and selfish, while my body has to do all the preparations to make this IVF successful. Since he was the only breadwinner, he pays for all the IVF expenses and he doesn’t forget to remind me about it during our fight.
I’m just feeling lonely, depressed and sad now. I don’t know what to do

OP posts:
Puppyseahorse · 06/04/2022 14:12

Ooof, blaming the ex wife for ivf failure is a red flag to me. Have you spoken to him about feeling unsupported during the process? What has he said?

I can see why you’re upset about that- I’m more puzzled as to why you’re focusing on the masturbation. That seems to be distracting from a more important issue, which is his lack of support. Do you expect him to never masturbate? Would you have preferred to give him a 4th blow job in a day??

LittleGwyneth · 06/04/2022 14:15

I don't blame you - it sounds like he's being utterly unsupportive. But you clearly want children and I can see that you'd probably feel like you don't have the time to find someone else to have them with. If the IVF works how do you feel about the prospect of doing this largely on your own?

Sex wise, I am as sex positive as they come but EVERYONE can go without sex for a few days or weeks. It's an important part of a relationship but it's certainly not an essential for staying alive. You were beyond generous to go down on him when you're in that situation, he's being very, very unreasonable to keep pushing it.

Does he really want children? I'd want to understand whether this is a big deal for him, or just something he's going along with. If it's the latter I think you need to consider whether he's the person you want to do this with.

Sorry you're having such a rough time.

WaltzedIntoIt · 06/04/2022 14:17

He just sounds like a horrible person to be honest. I can’t see anything redeeming about him.

OutingHobby · 06/04/2022 14:17

Since he was the only breadwinner, he pays for all the IVF expenses and he doesn’t forget to remind me about it during our fight. a low blow. I would consider leaving him. Although that must be very difficult as you are currently waiting to find out if you are pregnant.

Passthebubbly · 06/04/2022 14:22

Oh you poor love. Having had 6 ivf I can relate to some of what you are saying. The hormones make you feel everything 10 times harder than you normally would. However .. your husband sounds I am sorry to say not a very nice person. He should be supporting you unconditionally especially having been through it before he knows the toll it takes on a woman.
Normally I feel for the husband in these situations as we can tend to forget they are going through it too but you deserve so much more than this man child. I pray you get your baby and run for the hills. You take care of yourself and I hope you have some decent support around you other than him. Please dm me if you need someone to talk to on the 2ww. I remember it all to well x

fallfallfall · 06/04/2022 14:24

He’s 50 and has a child, doubt he really cares and is doing this for you. Probably feels like he’s throwing money away.

theotherfossilsister · 06/04/2022 14:30

We went through ivf and it was hugely stressful, can't imagine being blamed or fearing being blamed for failure. There were points in the journey where I didn't feel partner was as engaged as me, and it did cause conflict, but was nothing to the level you describe. Both need to be committed for this process to be tolerable.

Luck xx

WineIsMyMainVice · 06/04/2022 14:32

What was your relationship like prior to the ivf op?
I know first hand just how stressful ivf is on all concerned - but most of all for you who has mentally, emotionally and physically been put through the wringer!
I hope your partner realises how badly he’s behaved very soon.

ThinWomansBrain · 06/04/2022 14:37

sounds dire - sad that you've brought one child into it, I wouldn't wish it on a second. Escape while you only have one child to care for.

Why is wank-twat so keen to have an army of mini-mes?

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/04/2022 14:38

masturbating a few hours after I gave him oral pleasures for the 3rd time on that day

DH would not be sulking on a three blow job day. Yours sounds like a selfish, mean-spirited wanker (literally and figuratively).

Why aren't you working? It makes you very vulnerable.

Oilyoilyoilgob · 06/04/2022 14:48

Jesus am I reading it right that you gave him three blow jobs on your EC day 😳 i could barely sit comfortably as my ovaries were that big.

Probably generalising but I think most men can never get as fully invested in ivf during stims/EC etc as they’re not really a part of it, but this is something else entirely-your husband just sounds like he isn’t a very nice man.

CounsellorTroi · 06/04/2022 14:52

Doesn’t sound like the sort of man you should be having a baby with.

TinaYouFatLard · 06/04/2022 14:52

Three BJs in one day??!!! Jesus, he should be thanking his lucky stars.

On a serious note, you should not be bringing another baby into this relationship at the moment.

passport123 · 06/04/2022 14:53

He sounds like a prince. Why do you want to have another baby with this arsehole?

VintageDreamr · 06/04/2022 14:54

@Oilyoilyoilgob

Jesus am I reading it right that you gave him three blow jobs on your EC day 😳 i could barely sit comfortably as my ovaries were that big.

Probably generalising but I think most men can never get as fully invested in ivf during stims/EC etc as they’re not really a part of it, but this is something else entirely-your husband just sounds like he isn’t a very nice man.

No…no…my mistake. Not on EC day, but probably one or 2 days after….
OP posts:
HellToTheNope · 06/04/2022 14:55

Good grief, the last thing you should do is have another baby with this man.

CounsellorTroi · 06/04/2022 14:56

Were you keener for a second baby than he was OP?

thingymaboob · 06/04/2022 15:03

Why does it hurt you that he masturbates after oral sex? I'm genuinely interested as it seems odd that you'd find this hurtful. I honestly couldn't care less if my DH DTD on himself after I'd pleasured him. Sounds like you have a really unhealthy and immature relationship and he sounds like a twat.

TheVanguardSix · 06/04/2022 15:03

Goddamn, he's ALL work. He just sounds so emotionally lazy and the blame game is horrible, unforgivable really. Holding the cost of IVF over you like some guilt-honed sword of Damocles. What a dick. Sorry, OP. He's not a nice man. I don't know what you should do. But I can tell you, hormones or no hormones involved, you have every reason to feel resentful towards him.

SummerySumner · 06/04/2022 15:05

What man can ejaculate 4 times in one day?! Wow.

Passthebubbly · 06/04/2022 15:06

@TheVanguardSix 👏👏what she said!

MrsApplepants · 06/04/2022 15:07

Why do you want another baby with such a horrible man?

Oilyoilyoilgob · 06/04/2022 15:07

Ah ok, my eyes did really widen at that! Even so, a day or two after is really surprising-I had my first round a few months ago and I’ll be honest, by that point (after ec) my head was all over the shop.

I understand completely if you feel a desire to have a baby, but I think you need to weigh up if you’ll even be staying with this man and if you get a positive test, what path do you take-will you stay with him or can you see yourself leaving him?

The hormones during ivf can be brutal. I’d take the next few days east on yourself, see what your pregnancy test says and go from there.
The last thing I’d have wanted during our ivf was fighting, let alone it being chucked around that he’s the one paying for it.

Did he really want a second child?

Sorry your feeling crap during your tww. Best of luck to you for whichever path you choose to take with him.

TheVanguardSix · 06/04/2022 15:11

Why does it hurt you that he masturbates after oral sex? I'm genuinely interested as it seems odd that you'd find this hurtful.

You know why? Because she's doing all the work while he gets all the fun in this stressful process. It is not nearly as hard on men as it is on women. 3 blow jobs in a day and a good ol' yank. I bet he didn't give her oral sex three times in one day... ever. Lazy bastard.

veggiemonster · 06/04/2022 15:43

Why would you want a baby with this disgusting man