What do you do when you disagree with your partner about parenting?

[Raintostop]

DH and I disagree about car seats, use of dummies and diet.

It isn’t so much about who is right and wrong (obviously I think I am right!) but more now to approach it?

What's the disagreement about car seats?

I want backwards facing.

I show him the research/guidelines etc that prove I'm right.

Yes but if they just ignore that then what to you do … I guess you can’t really do anything!

What do you mean you can’t do anything? You put the car seat in backwards facing. If he switches it, you switch it back.

If it was small things then I’d just say ok I’ll do x and you do y. So like if DH didn’t want them to have sweets but I did I’d say okay well I’ll give them a sweet when I look after them then you don’t have to when you’re in charge.

If it was a big issue of safety or well being - so if DH wanted to smack them or put them in badly suited car seats or similar. Then I’d be really upset. I would feel we had different levels of care for our child.

Dummies and diet I’m not sure, because I don’t know the extent. If it’s that he just slings them chocolate and doesn’t ever make them meals then I’d be upset. If it’s that you want them to eat all organic cooked from scratch and he gave them cheesy pasta and broccoli then I think you just need to accept that he’s doing things differently. If that makes sense. There are big issues you have to make a stand on and little issues where you agree to disagree.

What are his reasons for not wanting a rear facing car seat? I think you should win this one unless your child is vomiting a lot in the car and forward facing solves the problem - in that scenario you have to way up potentially harm from choking on vomit in a RF seat with the potential for more serious injuries/worse survival stats for FF car seats.

DH and I sometimes disagree on parenting decisions. At the end of the day, we both agree it's not about who is right and wrong, but what is the best for the child. So like the car seat issue, get your research up, see pros and cons etc and base your decisions on facts. With diet, find a meal plan or balanced diet online, speak to HV and make your decisions together. End of the day it's about what's important for the child.

If your OH continues to do what he wants despite evidence pointing otherwise, then you have a bigger issue.

Are you pregnant or is baby here? With car seats you just buy the one you want, if he wants a different one he can go and buy it. My husband just uses the one i give him for less hassle, i don't think he knows what different types of car seats there are.

Dummies, is it the hill you want to die on as they say? Pick your battles i would.

Diet, hard to say without much more information about what type of diet. Imo, toddlers/children shouldn't have a restricted diet (veg/vegan) only if there are allergies etc

I think when its about safety, unless one person is being way over the top (eg not letting them do what most other people would do) or causing a load of inconvenience, then the one who wants to err on the side of caution by following current scientific / government advice, should get the final say

If we disagree with parenting I have the final decision. Dh's imput is respected, but we are a little old fashioned in our families, in that the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world.

On something like car seats there is no discussion. There are clear instructions on best practices. A partner who won’t follow them should not be trusted alone with the child.

Other things you have to pick your battles. If you are breastfeeding, a dummy can cause problems for you as the person doing the feeding so you should get more of a say.

Things like an organic vs regular diet, screen time, which brand of shoes to buy, etc, these don’t have as definitive of answers. You have to do a little give and take. Some things will matter more to each of you either by philosophy or because of day to day involvement in the issue. That will help indicate who should get a bigger voice, just remember to let your partner win a few.

There is a discussion, though. Because if you have two parents who both drive and one has a forward facing car seat then there’s not much you can do to force them not to, you can only ask them not to.

Is there a reason why your DH wants forward facing? It depends on the age of the child (babies should certainly be rear facing) but if you are talking about a toddler then I think you need to combine 'best practice' with what actually works for your child (my toddler would have cried and therefore made driving more dangerous).

Dummies I think are fine if combined with responsive parenting.

Why does he have a forward facing car seat? Did he buy it specially or did someone pass it on to him? If it was passed on and the issue is he doesn’t think spending extra money to buy a rear facing one is worth it, just do it and put the carseat in his car and stick the FF in the loft/garage as a ´spare’.

Someone passed it on. I get what you’re saying but two car seats is a lot of money, it’s nearly £500.

So you want him to always move the RF carseat between cars? You’ll have to do it. He’s not going to do it but he will probably use the RF one if you put it in his car every time. Either that or find the 250€ for a second car seat…

You either each feed the child, use the car seats, use a dummy as you see fit when you each have the child, or you’ll have to discuss it and each have to do some compromising. How old is your child? Forward facing a nine month old is very different to a four year old.

The problem is he keeps putting it forward facing.

I know that made no sense because I didn’t really post about car seat advice but to clarify he has a car seat that can be rear or FF but always puts it FF. the other one in my car is FF only. Originally I had a RF one but DS grew out of it and DH came home with one his mate gave him.

So I do need to get one but he thinks it’s a waste of money. I will have to buy it out of ‘my’ money but seems u fair and plus doesn’t solve Dh not having DS RF in his car.

He’s 14 months sorry.

I take it your DH was either crap at Physics at school or arrogantly believes his amazing driving will prevent any crashes from ever happening. Sorry OP. It’s shit having to take into the opinion of someone who is plain wrong and who refuses to believe you are better informed than they are.

FFS he’s an idiot. Buy one RF only carseat (I have the Britax Maxway and we like it - RF to 25kg and no FF option) and put it in his car. Install the FF/RF one in the RF position in your car.

Thanks, is that suitable for toddlers? DS is an escape artist.

In your position I’d compromise on the dummy, potentially on diet as long as your child’s overall diet remains fairly balanced, and put my foot down over the carseat. Take the 250pounds out of family money, or out of your income but reduce what you would normally put into the family pot.

Yep, it’s 9kg to 25 - I think they estimate 9months to around 5 years old. The updated version Maxway Plus, seems to be cheaper than the original Maxway at the moment because it’s on sale.