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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - about return travel time

52 replies

daddysboi · 06/04/2022 12:27

My wife is 25 weeks pregnant, and we have a 2 year old son. She takes him to see her parents on a weekly basis on a set day. She go's early whenever she's ready, and I'm going to work. I only ask she drives back (motorway drive) about 40 mins away to leave in daylight time/hours to avoid driving in the dark. This has invariably never happened, and getting later and later. Last week was 8.30/9pm and next day he usually go's to nursery which can also be a little disruptive to his sleep.

today Ive checked the tyres, and reinflated for her car before going to work as two were a little low on air, as some concerns tyres need changing. Again ive asked her to come back in daylight before 7/7.30pm to avoid motorway driving in the dark. Weve had a row, as she thinks I shouldnt be telling her to come back at a certain time.

Is safety not the priority and am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
FitAt50 · 06/04/2022 12:47

I totally don't understand the anger towards the OP. All I can see it a person who is worried about their pregnant wife driving in the dark and keep a 2 year old child up very late at night when he has nursery in the morning. There is nothing sexist about this at all.

Invisimamma · 06/04/2022 12:47

I don't understand the concern. Very confused as to why this is even an issue. She can drive in the dark if she wants to, she's a grown up who can make her own decisions about where she goes and when.

I might be a bit miffed about the later bedtime and toddler being out of routine, but really no big problem.

This seems quite controlling. Do you control other aspects of her life in this way?

Original poster
daddysboi · 06/04/2022 12:48

Thanks for the feedback. Think I've got the gist.

OP posts:
ExplodingElephants · 06/04/2022 12:52

@MangoBiscuit Where on Earth in my post did I indicate that I thought the OP had cataracts Hmm My post was to illustrate that by telling someone not to drive due to safety concerns does not make them controlling.

Moody123 · 06/04/2022 12:52

I would say you were worried about her traveling and to ask her to ring you when she sets off, however YABU by arguing with a grown woman about what time she sets off

stimpyyouidiot · 06/04/2022 12:57

Hahaha this can't be real surely? You don't get to tell her when she can drive.

ShouldBeWorking23 · 06/04/2022 12:57

I've been driving for 30 years and its only on MN I've ever heard this obsession with not driving in the dark... driving on motorways... driving in the country/ city whatever. Cars have lights and all sort of safety features! If you have an issue with the time your child goes to bed then of course you can discuss that especially if the kid is going to nursery and is tired in the morning . But controlling someone's driving is a red flag to me

SoupDragon · 06/04/2022 13:00

[quote ExplodingElephants]@MangoBiscuit Where on Earth in my post did I indicate that I thought the OP had cataracts Hmm My post was to illustrate that by telling someone not to drive due to safety concerns does not make them controlling.[/quote]
Can you not see the difference between someone who can't see very well and a fit, healthy and presumably competent driver?

Thehop · 06/04/2022 13:03

I wouldn’t want my young child out that late on a nursery night, but she has equal say so not much you can do.

MangoBiscuit · 06/04/2022 13:06

@ExplodingElephants you didn't say it explicitly, but you seemed to imply it, otherwise why would mention your mum having catacts at all? The OP made no mention of their wife having any issues with their eyes.

Your situation isn't the same, is it.

Tibtab · 06/04/2022 13:12

To be fair ladies shouldn’t be driving at at all really - they get too distracted thinking about flowers and kittens and other cute things. It’s a menace letting them on the roads. Surely you pay for a chauffeur?!

HopefulProcrastinator · 06/04/2022 13:23

There's a world of difference between "I think it's best our child is home for normal bedtime routine unless there's a decent exception" vs "I don't trust you to make good judgement and drive in the dark"

However you're wording "please be safe" your wife is hearing "I don't trust you and want you to do what I say"

Personally, that's the kind of thing that would make me push back and stay out later rather than "obey".

Datsandcogs · 06/04/2022 13:31

She’s a grown up. Let her make the decisions.

C8H10N4O2 · 06/04/2022 13:38

@FitAt50

I totally don't understand the anger towards the OP. All I can see it a person who is worried about their pregnant wife driving in the dark and keep a 2 year old child up very late at night when he has nursery in the morning. There is nothing sexist about this at all.
Lostoldusername · 06/04/2022 13:45

Telling her at what time she has to return is ridiculous!
Having a chat with her because you believe your toddler's sleep is suffering is acceptable.
They are 2 totally different things

budgiegirl · 06/04/2022 13:53

@FitAt50

I totally don't understand the anger towards the OP. All I can see it a person who is worried about their pregnant wife driving in the dark and keep a 2 year old child up very late at night when he has nursery in the morning. There is nothing sexist about this at all.
It's not sexist, but it is controlling.
yellowsuninthesky · 06/04/2022 13:57

@ExplodingElephants

YANBU, I often tell my mum not to drive in the dark as she’s got cataracts and can’t see very well. That’s a safety thing too and isn’t me being controlling.
I don't think the OP is being controlling either. I also ask my DH to be back before it gets too dark when he visits family. Otherwise I worry about him.

We live in a country where it can be dark by half past 3 in the afternoon! What a ridiculous request well where we are it doesn't get dark until about 5pm, even in the depths of winter. I guess if we lived in Scotland I'd have to get over myself. And at the moment it's getting completely dark around 8.15 so it's really not an issue.

yellowsuninthesky · 06/04/2022 13:58

@Tibtab

To be fair ladies shouldn’t be driving at at all really - they get too distracted thinking about flowers and kittens and other cute things. It’s a menace letting them on the roads. Surely you pay for a chauffeur?!
It really is a completely different point!
Hugasauras · 06/04/2022 14:09

She's pregnant, not impaired. I'm 30 weeks pregnant with a 3yo and haven't adjusted my driving behaviour at all. I've been driving since I was 17 and I am perfectly capable of driving in the dark! 40 mins of motorway driving in the dark is nothing.

dworky · 06/04/2022 14:27

So, because you think she should be back by a certain time (for whatever reason), she's unreasonable if she isn't?
She's an adult who is quite capable of deciding for herself what time she wants leave somewhere. What is it that makes you think she's not & that you know best?
I don't know what is really going on here, if this is masking some jealousy of her spending time with her family but be sure, if you continue with this controlling behaviour she will, sooner or later, want out of your marriage.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 06/04/2022 14:27

@yellowsuninthesky I also ask my DH to be back before it gets too dark when he visits family. Otherwise I worry about him.

And this is also controlling. Your irrational worries are your own responsibility.
There is nothing inherently dangerous about driving in the dark and it is unreasonable to require someone to change their reasonable plans because they make you uncomfortable.
You need to deal with your own anxieties, as does the OP, and stop trying to control the behaviour of another adult who doesn’t share your personal fears.

Brefugee · 06/04/2022 14:41

I also ask my DH to be back before it gets too dark when he visits family. Otherwise I worry about him.

that's quite controlling behaviour. What is it about him that makes you think he drives like a maniac in the dark? or do you worry that other people drive like maniacs?

In any case: he's an adult with a driving licence. You need to work on your anxiety

Monr0e · 06/04/2022 14:44

Are you allowed to travel on the motorway in the dark?

427ShipSailed · 06/04/2022 14:48

Some of us work 12 hour shifts, so we go into work & return home in the dark

Be glad that she has a supportive family, that she can spend time with

ThinWomansBrain · 06/04/2022 14:54

I tend to avoid driving in the dark on my way back from my sisters - but she lives somewhere with dark country roads that have no lights, and I don't like it, so prefer to avoid.

Driving in London is sooo much more sensible.
Guess what - I am an adult, I make that decision myself.

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