Restraining autistic violent child, is it ever OK?

[Nineteeninetyfour]

I'm a longstanding poster but have NC to post this as I don't want it to follow me around if it descends into a slanging match, which I hope it won't. We're reaching breaking point.

We have a 4 year old boy with severe autism and challenging behaviour, he's on the 99th centile for height and is very strong. When he attacks, which he frequently does, he's capable of causing significant harm and is a risk to himself and other members of the family.

None of the widely recommended advice helps, quiet corner / sensory area is a total non starter as when he was redirected there to begin with he interpreted it as punishment and now if we try to put him in the quiet room / area when he's in meltdown it makes him even worse.

We have always been very hands off in terms of discipline, opting for gentle parenting on account of his disability. We don't smack and 'telling him off' does nothing, he simply doesn't understand, however I cannot allow the rest of the family to be punching bags.

For the past week I've resorted to restraining him when his behaviour deteriorates to the point that we (me and dad) are being thumped in the head/face/back repeatedly - anywhere he can hit, he does with all the force he can muster. He slaps, punches, headbutts and kicks. He also throws himself on the floor and bangs his head which is particularly worrying as I'm scared he's going to do himself damage.

The restraint consists of me putting a pillow on the floor and laying him there, with my arms on his arms, and holding him there until he calms down.

I've requested an urgent review with his paediatrician as we are overdue an appointment but am told there are delays because 'covid'

I've also requested an assessment from children's social care approx 3 months ago and still awaiting a response. I'm going to hazard a guess and say because 'covid'

I'm worried that my decision to restrain him is going to be deemed abusive, but I don't know what else I can do when he's smashing the house up and beating us.

What is the general consensus please? Am I handling this inappropriately? If so what do you suggest?

I have had to do this many time when D's was younger. Please do not feel you are abusive. This is for your safety and his safety. Sending you so much love. 💗

@EilonwyWithRedGoldHair

A trampoline really helped my son too. Or just "let's do some jumps" when I see him about to meltdown can sometimes pull him back.

We're considering a trampoline. Also weights as he really likes lifting heavy things.

Mine has a trampoline and spends hours on it. I think he finds it very calming. Often wants to just lie on it and have DH bounce on it so he gets the sensation without the effort.

I used to when my son was smaller, bit found it really didn't help, scared him and made me feel awful. He's bigger now and I don't think I really could by myself. What we did was make his bedroom as padded and safe as possible, put a big stairgate on, and when he is beyond the point of no return he goes in there. I only intervene if he's really badly banging his head. He bites himself and hits himself and I just have to let him until he calms down as I found prolonged intervention kept it going for longer. You can get Kevlar sleeves which are bite proof, you feel the pinch but it won't cut. I requested social services help over a year ago and nothing. Good luck, and keep going for the better days

Short term: YANBU. You do what you need to do to keep yourself and your son safe.

Long term: YABU. With help from professionals you will need to find other coping strategies so your son no longer gets to the point of needing to be restrained.

@Nicholethejewellery

Sorry but YABU. You can't physically restrain a child. Equally you can't just allow them to attack others so you're in a very difficult position. Basically doing nothing is not an option, restraining them is not an option, so you need to find another way.

The reason for this is quite simple. The general belief is that it's wrong to get physical against a child. Physically restraining them is just another form of smacking - it's abuse.

The child's behaviour is caused by their illness. They're behaving this way because of it, therefore you wouldn't feel the need to restrain them if they didn't have the illness. By adopting a different behaviour in restraining them because of their illness you are discriminating against them on the basis of disability. While you may not be committing a crime, do you want your child to grow up in a world where they are discriminated against because of their condition?

You're damned if you do and damned if you don't though, I don't envy you.

Utterly ridiculous and unhelpful post. Restraint is an option but as a last resort as has already been said. It is NOT abuse and is to keep the child and/or others safe.

If there’s sudden head-butting, he could be in pain, OP.

I hope the OP has found some solace from her post - it is a very difficult thing to raise an autistic child - it does affect all aspects of family life and always will.

Somewhat perversely, having negotiated ourselves through the worst, now hardly anyone 'thinks' ds is autistic and just thinks I don't have a 'better' job/career than I do because I'm just a bit of a slacker, useless, etc. I'm old enough and thick-skinned enough to inwardly laugh at this ignorance....

This thread proves that old chestnut, with all the tips, suggestions and 'knowledge' proferred:

If you've met One Autistic Child then you have met One autistic child,
NONE are the same.

Great thread OP and lots of good Posts.

This thread has been very helpful an well positioned

@Nicholethejewellery

Sorry but YABU. You can't physically restrain a child. Equally you can't just allow them to attack others so you're in a very difficult position. Basically doing nothing is not an option, restraining them is not an option, so you need to find another way.

The reason for this is quite simple. The general belief is that it's wrong to get physical against a child. Physically restraining them is just another form of smacking - it's abuse.

The child's behaviour is caused by their illness. They're behaving this way because of it, therefore you wouldn't feel the need to restrain them if they didn't have the illness. By adopting a different behaviour in restraining them because of their illness you are discriminating against them on the basis of disability. While you may not be committing a crime, do you want your child to grow up in a world where they are discriminated against because of their condition?

You're damned if you do and damned if you don't though, I don't envy you.

I don’t think you have any clue! Restraint, when used to prevent serious harm to the child or someone else, absolutely can be used. What if the child attacked a younger sibling and seriously injured them? Do you honestly think the parent should stand by and watch? The very nature of the explosive child is that they are often unpredictability explosive. No warning, no trigger, just sudden, violent rage. I’ve witnessed children throw tables across a classroom where other children were present - whilst staff had to rapidly evacuate those children, other staff had to temporarily restrain the angry child. Once the others were safe, the restraining ceased. That child went on to cause hundreds of pounds of damage, and broke my wrist by hitting it with a chair because I blocked his exit from the room. He was 7.

@Nicholethejewellery has demonstrated elsewhere that she really has no clue about the law on discrimination. The use of restraint is perfectly lawful if it is a proportionate means to attain a legitimate aim. Manifestly restraining a child to the minimum extent necessary to keep others physically safe meets those criteria and therefore is perfectly lawful.

I don't know what else you can honestly do. Unless there was an empty room where you could put your child safely. But you can't allow yourself or anyone else to be physically harmed, and your child will only grow larger.

@EthelTheAardvark

You need to contact Social Services again and point out that your son is a child in need under section 17 Children Act 1989, and therefore they had a statutory duty to carry out both a care and a carer's assessment within 45 days of receiving your request. Ask them to contact you within a week to confirm arrangements for the asessment, and tell them that if you don't hear from them you will have to apply for judicial review to enforce your child's rights.

To be fair, this could end up with a load of crap you don't need, like a full on safeguarding assessment. This is what I got as a result of asking for my rights.

A social worker (with no experience of families with disabilities) visiting to assess parenting, checking my fridge, checking the children's bedrooms, interviewing the kids alone, talking to their school.

And I'm not alone. It happens to a lot of families. It's the last thing you need when you are under severe pressure looking after a disabled child.

My social worker concluded my children were well looked after. But only after weeks of interviewing me, observing in our house etc.

Ps you definitely need to self refer to OT. Find out if the school/nursery can refer to an OT for you too. Start self referring for statements/EHCPs etc as every step like this can result in more help.

I noticed things got very difficult when my child was thirsty, hungry, tired, unable to communicate any of the above. With this knowledge and melatonin, things became easier.

Restraining for the purposes of preventing harm to an individual or those around them is totally acceptable... I can only empathise in as much as I used to work with children with severe special needs; however, having your own child behave in this way must be extremely difficult. I hope you find some relief soon.

I can't reply from a parenting perspective however have worked with children with this level of violence. Restraint can and does work but I've found it's a slippery slope. You've got nowhere else to go after that and you find yourself restrain more and more often.

Try and step back from the situation when they're calm. Analyse triggers for the outbursts. It doesn't seem like there are any sometimes but it could be something you or I would never consider a trigger.

Track the outbursts every time. What time of day, where does it happen. What became before this. Is it technology, environmental, noise stimulus? Then look to plan to adapt anything you notice. It's hard hard work but you will notice improvements with the more analysis and reflection you do.

Try and restrain only when they're putting themselves or you In severe danger. If not look to move away. Can they run in the garden. Have you got soft play pieces that can be used to distract and divert the aggression?

Good luck. It's an unenviable position to be in as a parent

I don't have much to add to the very good advice in here but just wanted to say we found a trampoline very useful too. So much so that we have had to recently source several until we found one strong enough to last more than 6 months because despite now being 17 years old, 6ft 2 and weighing almost 100kg, DS still uses the trampoline to regulate himself . It is getting less often nowadays but he was regularly trampolining for 5-10 mins at a time multiple times a day until late last year .

I think YANBU.

I have a DD who has meltdowns, she's not autistic but has other difficulties, she holds it together all day at school then gets home and just blows.

She can be violent but not hitting or punching so for her the best way to deal with it is to let it pass - she's verbal though so we can talk through what happened and why etc. But I have restrained her in the past, best way to do it with her is hands by her side and hug her till she stops shouting.

Whenever I hear of other parents restraining their child I always assess whether the child can breathe, in an emergency the child could be given treatment safely/helped to escape, and how quickly the child can go back to normal after it.

You're using a really small amount of restraint, not cutting off his breathing, he could recieve medical attention or get away if needed and can go back to normal just by lifting your hand/arm away so it's perfect. It sounds much more like the pat method some parents use to help babies sleep rather than full blown restraint.

I use to work with a very challenging Autistic adults and taught to restrain in a way that won't hurt them.

"Physically restraining them is just another form of smacking - it's abuse."

Smacking a child is a deliberate action with the intention of causing pain and shock. To equate restraint with that is false logic, and accusatorial. It is an attempt to make the parent or carer feel guilty and culpable.Very unhelpful. Smacking,because of the intent, can be a criminal act.

I was involved in a situation yesterday where a small woman in her 60's was reaching the point of exhaustion trying to stop an autistic girl from reaching a very busy road. The A2 in Blackheath, near the teahut. Restraint was the only option. Having physically distanced the girl from the road, and tiring myself, she thankfully calmed down and sat down.
I was asking the woman in charge about the girl, when said woman suddenly told me that the girl had picked up a piece of glass, put it in her mouth and was known to have tried to swallow such items. Overwhelming and immediate physical restraint and intervention was the only option, and I did that. There was no glass in her mouth. We found the piece of glass under where I had placed her supine.

The situation was further complicated by the fact that the girl only heard Italian and Portuguese at home.

If you think anything I did was wrong per se, then point it out. Without resorting to false analogy.

I had to look up YABU. Throwing in that accusation as your starting point tells me where you are coming from.
Hard pressed parents and carers can do not need your ideal world, from a book expertise. And neither do I.

On a personal note, I am in my mid-60's. I suffer from hypothyroidism, which in my case sometimes manifests in sudden and unannounced physical depletion. Fortunately I am a well drilled first aider and speak Italian.