Restraining autistic violent child, is it ever OK?

[Nineteeninetyfour]

I'm a longstanding poster but have NC to post this as I don't want it to follow me around if it descends into a slanging match, which I hope it won't. We're reaching breaking point.

We have a 4 year old boy with severe autism and challenging behaviour, he's on the 99th centile for height and is very strong. When he attacks, which he frequently does, he's capable of causing significant harm and is a risk to himself and other members of the family.

None of the widely recommended advice helps, quiet corner / sensory area is a total non starter as when he was redirected there to begin with he interpreted it as punishment and now if we try to put him in the quiet room / area when he's in meltdown it makes him even worse.

We have always been very hands off in terms of discipline, opting for gentle parenting on account of his disability. We don't smack and 'telling him off' does nothing, he simply doesn't understand, however I cannot allow the rest of the family to be punching bags.

For the past week I've resorted to restraining him when his behaviour deteriorates to the point that we (me and dad) are being thumped in the head/face/back repeatedly - anywhere he can hit, he does with all the force he can muster. He slaps, punches, headbutts and kicks. He also throws himself on the floor and bangs his head which is particularly worrying as I'm scared he's going to do himself damage.

The restraint consists of me putting a pillow on the floor and laying him there, with my arms on his arms, and holding him there until he calms down.

I've requested an urgent review with his paediatrician as we are overdue an appointment but am told there are delays because 'covid'

I've also requested an assessment from children's social care approx 3 months ago and still awaiting a response. I'm going to hazard a guess and say because 'covid'

I'm worried that my decision to restrain him is going to be deemed abusive, but I don't know what else I can do when he's smashing the house up and beating us.

What is the general consensus please? Am I handling this inappropriately? If so what do you suggest?

You absolutely can restrain a child.

Example. My son runs to the kitchen and because he is so strong and so agitated in full meltdown he is able to pull the (so called child safety locked) drawer clean out and he grabs a knife. He wants to cut himself and anyone he can with this knife.

Do I

a) call the police, by the time they arrive he will either have cut himself or managed to slash me, his dad and/or his brother

b) stand back and do absolutely nothing because restraining him is child abuse and watch while he stabs himself or run away and lock ourselves in a bedroom because all bedrooms have locks on them for our safety so he can't get in and attack us. When he finally calms down, call an ambulance or take him to A&E for his self inflicted stab wounds to be treated.

c) take the skills me and my husband both learned thanks to both of us having worked in the care sector and use them to restrain my son so that he can't drive that knife into himself or anyone else.

If social services were interested in any of those options it would probably be the one where I left your knife wielding son to it.

Sometimes restraining is the safest option.

My not your 🙄

Sorry but YABU. You can't physically restrain a child. Equally you can't just allow them to attack others so you're in a very difficult position. Basically doing nothing is not an option, restraining them is not an option, so you need to find another way.

So I should stand back and watch him bang his head against a wall? I should let him bite me and kick and pinch and so on? I currently have two bite marks on my arms and multiple bruises from DS pinching and hitting as well as a bruise on my shin where he kicked me. My wrist and back hurt from when he leapt off his bed on to me, knocking me to the ground. I stay outwardly calm, I defend myself and on occasion restrain DS as gently as possible - he has never had a bruise or even a red mark from me, and I tell him continually that I love him, that I know he's angry/anxious/whatever.

Of course we try and avoid triggers, but I can't control what happens in school.

"The reason for this is quite simple. The general belief is that it's wrong to get physical against a child. Physically restraining them is just another form of smacking - it's abuse."

The belief is that with behaviours that challenge it should be least restrictive practice so restraint should be the last resort when other less restrictive practice has not worked.

In your circumstances I really can’t see what the safe alternative is.

I hope you get the help you need

Sorry but YABU. You can't physically restrain a child. Equally you can't just allow them to attack others so you're in a very difficult position. Basically doing nothing is not an option, restraining them is not an option, so you need to find another way

I've tried every other way at my disposal. The only option left, aside restraint, when he's smashing up the house and attacking us is for me and DH to grab the baby, run and lock ourselves in the bathroom.

That means DS is unattended and will do himself harm.

Somebody always gets hurt, there's no avoiding it. He's so unpredictable.

This sounds really hard and knowing nothing about autism etc you sound very reasonable and I think your behaviour/restraint technique sounds totally acceptable to me - I don’t think you could do anything gentler than what you’re doing. You sound very caring & loving 💐 hope you can get some progress soon xo

Nobody advicates restraining a child because they are autistic. It would only ever be to avoid greater physical risk to themselves or others. Difficult that the Newbold article doesn't address how you protect the child from self harm, other children in the room, or yourself either.

I don’t understand at all the comments about zero restraint on kids- of course if someone is kicking off or about to hurt themselves/endanger themselves you can certainly restrain them! It’s not violent at all and is clearly in the best interests of everyone here, including the child in question. I’d go as far as to say it’s the right thing to do and to do nothing would be a bad choice! x

I'd love to be taught an alternative way of preventing DS attacking, I would do it in a heartbeat. Unfortunately it can happen so suddenly there's often no way of predicting it.

He's also a runner and will run into roads when he sees busses. To prevent that I use wrist reigns, to tether him to me, without them he'd be run over and possibly killed - yet there are people who disagree with reigns and refer to them as 'leashes for kids' etc.

PP is right in that you're dammed if you do and damned if you don't.

DH was very uncomfortable about restraining DS, to the point he would sit there and take his punches, 9 or 10 hard blows in a row in his face or on his head.

So if restraining him is teaching DS that using physical force is the way to do things, isn't that the same message being sent when we do nothing and allow him to beat us?

That's not a snide retort to anybody on the thread BTW, I appreciate each and every comment and I'm touched by the kindness, its just me thinking out loud.

I've got a spare hour this morning I'm going to go through all of the resources mentioned, chase up children's social care, try and make a referral for O.T.

@Nineteeninetyfour

Sorry but YABU. You can't physically restrain a child. Equally you can't just allow them to attack others so you're in a very difficult position. Basically doing nothing is not an option, restraining them is not an option, so you need to find another way

I've tried every other way at my disposal. The only option left, aside restraint, when he's smashing up the house and attacking us is for me and DH to grab the baby, run and lock ourselves in the bathroom.

That means DS is unattended and will do himself harm.

Somebody always gets hurt, there's no avoiding it. He's so unpredictable.

That web page looks pretty one-sided, and I would probably give it a miss myself. Team teach or similar is obviously used as a last resort, and only ever to prevent harm. It is useful as it prepares staff so they don’t have to figure out how to deal with a situation safely when they are panicking. If it was used on a regular basis with a particular child then ideally staff would assume that meant the setting was wrong for the child and seek to adapt accordingly. Ignore poster above- there’s nothing useful about just restating your problem, with added judgement. Team teach can be useful at home, although agencies are often loath to suggest this or similar to parents as it can mask abuse. This is right of course- but you don’t have to make your decisions in order to keep a whole population safe Restraining is generally referred to as ‘handling safely’ now, or similar- this is the way to think about it- making the situation safe for your child. Here’s some ideas:

• know how to safely hold your child so you can keep him from hurting himself, other children, etc.
• think about questions like: at what point does his behaviour become unsafe for him? When does it become safe again? Predetermined points are helpful.

-are there ways to move him to a safe situation (room with no furniture, soft cushions, etc. Yoga balls are great) -if this is asd-related ‘violence’, it can be sensory seeking- so he may seek you out for this- routines for similar sensory actions may help- banging, pushing, hitting, swinging, etc. This takes a long time to set up and progress.

• never think of the handling as the end-point or the consequence to behaviour, or the solution. It is to move a child from an unsafe situation to a safe one. So you need a space where he is safe, he can stay, it’s the unpleasant, and is quick to get to.

Of course parents can restrain kids to prevent them hurting themselves or others. Holding a hand to stop them running into the road is restraining them. Stopping them from getting off your lap and running around in the waiting room is restraining them.

OP you're doing the best you can in very difficult circumstances. Do not let anyone who hasn't walked in your shoes tell you otherwise! My DS is also autistic and when he had that type of meltdown I'd restrain him in a giant bear hug. He would fight against me but eventually the restraint would calm him down. It's not just about restraining them, weighted pressure is a recognised, effective intervention for people on the autistic spectrum.

I restrain my violent 5 year old. Not officialy diagnosed but suspected. It's either that or find a safe space where he can't throw stuff which we don't have. He also seems to be more upset and take much longer to come out of it if I use any variation of time out.

I do kind of like a bear hug but facing out so he can't hurt me. I think it calms him down better than any alternative.

No idea whether your 'supposed' to do. If I didn't other people would bear the brunt of it. He doesn't realise he's not a 2 year old anymore in terms of strength.

I think you just have to do what feels right. Gathering opinions on here is a good way of working it out when your not sure. Will be checking back as interested what others do. I also hope this is a constructive thread.

Lots of rationalising his emotions but explaining the(natural) consequences to being violent. Explaining ways we can deal with strong emotion instead. Most importantly tell him we love him whatever he does but every person has a right not to be subjected to violence. Only do the explaining when he's calmed sufficiently but close enough as possible to the actual incident as you can.

Oh, I just read the last page of the thread.

Over time you can learn the signs that a child is not calm. There will be body language or certain behaviours that indicate distressed behaviour is more likely and when you see them you can reduce demands which will help stop the anxiety escalating - attacking type behaviours are usually due to anxiety. The signs of arousal can be very subtle.
People often talk about finding the trigger but it can be more complex than that because it can often be a build up of events and circumstances.
The learning disability team can offer support with this. Around here they work with small groups of parents or with individual families in more complex cases.

"That web page looks pretty one-sided, and I would probably give it a miss myself."

If you are talking about Yvonne's page - Yvonne has an adult son with a severe learning disability who had severe challenging behaviour when he was a child. She had no support from other agencies and had to work everything out for herself. She is a real expert by experience and now works closely with the NHS and learning disability services. She is tireless in campaigning and providing support for our young people and their families.

@Nicholethejewellery

Sorry but YABU. You can't physically restrain a child. Equally you can't just allow them to attack others so you're in a very difficult position. Basically doing nothing is not an option, restraining them is not an option, so you need to find another way.

The reason for this is quite simple. The general belief is that it's wrong to get physical against a child. Physically restraining them is just another form of smacking - it's abuse.

The child's behaviour is caused by their illness. They're behaving this way because of it, therefore you wouldn't feel the need to restrain them if they didn't have the illness. By adopting a different behaviour in restraining them because of their illness you are discriminating against them on the basis of disability. While you may not be committing a crime, do you want your child to grow up in a world where they are discriminated against because of their condition?

You're damned if you do and damned if you don't though, I don't envy you.

Jeez. As an autistic person, I do not describe myself as 'ill' and I am still responsible (now that I'm an adult) for my own behaviour. I cannot go around attacking people or breaking things because I am autistic. If I were to attempt either of these things, I would fully expect somebody to try to stop me! If I went into meltdown and physically attacked my husband, I would expect him to restrain me. I would WANT him to restrain me, to keep us all safe. (Although of course at the time I would probably say differently!) He is much bigger and heavier than I am and I would expect him to hold me still, without hurting me, until I calmed down. Just as I do with our autistic DD.

If he were to punch me in the face or in any way deliberately try to HURT me rather that RESTRAIN me, then that would be 'another form of smacking AKA abuse'. He would not do that. I would not do that. The OP would not do that.

It's autism awareness/acceptance month. Clearly we have a long way still to go when people think of it as an 'illness'.

Oh and @Nicholethejewellery have you never 'restrained' your toddler to prevent them from enthusiastically running out in front of a bus? Have you never 'restrained' them against their will in a pushchair or car seat? Have you never 'restrained' them to prevent them hurling a wooden toy at their baby sibling?

This is no different. Those of us having to restrain older children are doing it for their safety and for that of everyone else. We just have to do it longer than parents of non-disabled children.

Here we go the smacking and headbutting has began, no obvious trigger. Just out of nowhere

@Nicholethejewellery

Sorry but YABU. You can't physically restrain a child. Equally you can't just allow them to attack others so you're in a very difficult position. Basically doing nothing is not an option, restraining them is not an option, so you need to find another way.

The reason for this is quite simple. The general belief is that it's wrong to get physical against a child. Physically restraining them is just another form of smacking - it's abuse.

The child's behaviour is caused by their illness. They're behaving this way because of it, therefore you wouldn't feel the need to restrain them if they didn't have the illness. By adopting a different behaviour in restraining them because of their illness you are discriminating against them on the basis of disability. While you may not be committing a crime, do you want your child to grow up in a world where they are discriminated against because of their condition?

You're damned if you do and damned if you don't though, I don't envy you.

Dont be so bloody ridiculous

@Nineteeninetyfour

Here we go the smacking and headbutting has began, no obvious trigger. Just out of nowhere

I used to feel this about my son but, and this is to give you hope, as i understood more from yvonne's course and my OT, i realised that i was expecting a trigger to be before a meltdown and obvious. What i know now is lots of tiny triggers can build up and triggers can be days ago. So a shower two days ago could be a cause of a sudden without warning heatbut today. I learned that my son was in a permanent state of fight or flight basically. For him, lots of his problems were sensory but not immediate, so we had to learn to manage his sensory inputs, and help him re-regulate after things even if it didnt look like it bothered him at that time. Your son might be communication or sensory or both. We did see a huge reduction in meltdowns over time due to this even though i would have sworn blind they had no trigger. He still has them but so much less often.

None if this is relevant to restraint now of course as you have to keep him safe and these things take time. Im just trying to give a bit of hope in dark days.

Hi. I have read all of your posts but not the whole thread so apologies if someone has already mentioned this.
What you think is triggering his meltdowns e.g. Dad coming home from the shop may not be that.
Google the Coke Can analogy. It perfectly fits my autistic son and has really helped me manage his environment to prevent a lot of meltdowns. For example, I used to think washing his hair sent him into a meltdown, and it does to some extent because he has such a heightened sensory system, but I've realised now that if THE WHOLE DAY prior to washing his hair in the evening I keep the house calm (no visitors, lots of deep pressure sensory input) he can have his hair washed without such distress.
Also, finishing things is of huge importance to my son and I've heard a lot of autistic adults say this too. So now I don't ever interrupt him halfway through a task. He used to have meltdowns every single night getting him into bed (and every transition from one task/activity to the next)until I realised this. Now sometimes we are late in bed because he's finishing playing with his cars but he says "I go bed now" and we go without a fight.
So it might not be dad coming home from the shop but the fact that he was building a tower earlier that he didn't get to finish, that his clothes feel scratchy, that the radio and TV are both on and the noise is hurting his ears, that something smells weird and he can't identify it, that you walked a different route home today, that his usual cup is in the dishwasher so he had to drink out of it and NOW on top of all that his dad's just walked in at a time he doesn't usually and the coke can exploded.
So, in summary, consider what happened for the whole day and even the previous day. Think about what he heard, touched, smelled, felt, how busy his life was, how predictable his routine was, did he get interrupted in things he wanted to finish, and you may be able to help him reduce his violence.
A trampoline really helped my son too. Or just "let's do some jumps" when I see him about to meltdown can sometimes pull him back.
Try and get an OT with good sensory knowledge. Lifesavers for us.
It's really tough and I feel for you. You sound like you really love him and I hope you get the support you and he need.

i'm another parent who used to have to restrain my autistic child, and now doesn't, because with time/work we've got the house to a point that its a sensory haven for him, he has 'safe spaces' he's learned that he can take himself to, we've worked on recognising his triggers, from the small ones that build up over time, to the big ones that cause instant meltdown.

We've learned sensory input techniques, distraction and re-direction.. and a lot of love.

I've only had to restrain him once in the last year, but there were times when it was MUCH more frequent, and after each one i would hug him/rock him and murmur how much i loved him and how i was sorry for having to hold him, and how everything was ok, and turn it into a moment of connection building with him.

Please don't beat yourself up emotionally/mentally, you son is so young, and the two of you have a long road ahead of learning about his autism and what helps/hinders. Restraint is a tool to use to help keep you both safe until you can get to a point where its a last resort/emergency thing.

A trampoline really helped my son too. Or just "let's do some jumps" when I see him about to meltdown can sometimes pull him back.

We're considering a trampoline. Also weights as he really likes lifting heavy things.

I really haven't got the emotional capacity to read the whole thread but we retrain our asd child (not yet diagnosed). He will harm himself, us and our belongings. We hold him and "cuddle" him until he calms. I don't analyse it, it's just necessary and I view it as helping him through his meltdown. I've even done.it on the school playground before

TBH if SS want you to do things differently then they bloody well need to give you some god damn support and help. Your average parent has no idea how to handle a violent child with ASD and just try to do the best they can.

It sounds like it would be useful if you could communicate to your ds 'not now but very soon' ie I can't get your drink now because I have to do x,y or z but I will very soon. I wonder if you could use a timer or an egg timer or something like that and whether he could grasp the concept? and then whether he could generalise it beyond one particular situation. You'd have to use it in other (non meltdown) situations first obviously. You really need someone with a lot of experience to go through all these things with you and give you support. I hope you get some soon.