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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DH isn’t bothered how he looks

29 replies

Chocolatebun · 05/04/2022 21:07

AIBU about this?

Name-changed for a reason.

My DH has stopped bothering about his appearance.
He’s never been hugely fussed, but it’s a real extreme now.

He turned 40 last year and he’s just totally not making any effort with his look.

He’s letting his beard grow and not in a good way. His electric razor broke and he decided not to get a new one, we have enough money that isn’t the issue. His moustache is growing long and over his top lip, it’s really unpleasant.
He wears a dirty hoody most of the time (unless he’s at work) and sits with his hood up, even indoors.
His skin has always been bad (adult acne issues and scarring) but he used to keep on top of it with face washing, creams etc.
Now he has all these bleeding pustules on his face and neck.
His hair is totally unstyled and he just isn’t bothered how it looks.

I know this all sounds really shallow, but I’m getting concerned.
I try talking to him, but he just shuts me down and gets annoyed/angry.

Can anyone help? I feel like I’m living with a angsty teen, not a 40 year old.

OP posts:
LndnGrl · 05/04/2022 21:15

Maybe it's a midlife crisis. People will say he's probably depressed but I'd tell him what a tramp he looks and to sort it out. I tell my dh when he's scruffy.

Rupertpenrysmistress · 05/04/2022 21:30

Can you frame it as in you are concerned as he is not looking after himself. Is he depressed? Or do you think he can't be bothered. It would bother me to.

mbosnz · 05/04/2022 21:34

That doesn't sound shallow, that sounds gross.

Would he be bothered if you stopped caring for your appearance and personal hygiene to such an extent?

venusmay · 05/04/2022 21:34

He sounds depressed, perhaps take the hoodie away surreptitiously and replace with something better. The skin problem may need a visit to the GP if the acne is bleeding. Would he go if you went with him?

Juniper68 · 05/04/2022 21:36

That's awful. I agree you're not shallow. I couldn't stand it.

LadyLolaRuben · 05/04/2022 22:14

This will only get worse...imagine when he's 50!

How is he likely to react if you have a gentle conversation with him? Have you been emotionally close/intimate recently or is it impacting on that too?

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 05/04/2022 22:22

How is his mental health?

I know a lot of people will say he's lazy/disgusting but when I've struggled with depression in the past, my personal appearance is the first thing to "go".

Original poster
Chocolatebun · 06/04/2022 06:41

He’s always suffered with depression on and off throughout his life.
He was taking meds (anti depressants) before we met. Now he doesn’t take anything.

We have been intimate last week but I had to close my eyes Sad , I made him do it from behind as well (sorry if tmi) and I just feel awkward about doing it again.
He’s also developing a B.O problem.
He’s a great dad to our DS but I feel like he’s just not bothered about his look with me or anyone else.
The worst part is that he goes to work everyday and he starts a new job in the next few weeks.
We also have a family wedding in the autumn (my family) so I’m hoping he does dress up for that and sort his appearance out by then.
I’ve tried talking to him about going on antidepressants again but he doesn’t want to.

OP posts:
YouHaveYourFathersBreasts · 06/04/2022 06:52

Sounds like a pit of depression- not taking care of himself (not just his appearance, he smells as well) and reacting angrily when talked to about it.

Fritilleries · 06/04/2022 06:54

Gross. Take him to the doctors.

user1471538283 · 06/04/2022 09:39

This isnt you being shallow. He should are least be clean and tidy. At home neither of us are dressed up but we are clean and look half ok to answer the door.

It sounds like depression.

Juniper68 · 06/04/2022 09:56

Time to get serious with him.

CrumpetStrumpet · 06/04/2022 09:59

You are not shallow. He sounds gross. If he's depressed then it needs to be faced up to and help sought.

Time for a very serious talk. No way would I be having sex with him again until he sorts it out. You should not have to force yourself to have sex with someone who is turning your stomach.

Gowithme · 06/04/2022 10:26

Is it possible he's autistic? This is exactly how I imagine my ds would be in 25 years - especially the hood up. I'm sad that people describe him as 'disgusting' and 'gross', please don't say anything to make him feel worse about himself. By all means talk to him about going on AD's again and find out why he doesn't want to - even tell him you need him to because you're struggling with his depression and it's affecting you - but please don't tell him he's gross or disgusting or that sex with him turns your stomach (although obviously you can tell him you don't want to do it).

whatstheteamarie · 06/04/2022 10:38

Any decent parent owes it to their DC to look after their own mental health.

He is currently modelling very bad behaviour to his child which no one would want their kid emulating.

How would he feel about his kid being the smelly one in class that no one wants to sit next to? Would he allow his child to go unwashed for days at a time.

As a father he needs to start taking his ADs and get on top of his depression before it takes you and your DC down with him "not wanting to" isn't a good enough excuse, he needs to step up and be a good role model to his child.

Blossomtoes · 06/04/2022 10:41

Depression will do that to you. He needs to go and see his GP, especially given that he used to care about his appearance.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 06/04/2022 10:43

@Fritilleries

Gross. Take him to the doctors.
You can't take a grown man to the doctor's. You can ask him, Christ you could even make an app for him but unless you shackle him to you, drag in him and beg the Dr for help, you're not getting him here.

It's upsetting that he won't talk to you about it though. I guess all you can do is keep trying!

Suprima · 06/04/2022 10:44

@Chocolatebun

He’s always suffered with depression on and off throughout his life. He was taking meds (anti depressants) before we met. Now he doesn’t take anything.

We have been intimate last week but I had to close my eyes Sad , I made him do it from behind as well (sorry if tmi) and I just feel awkward about doing it again.
He’s also developing a B.O problem.
He’s a great dad to our DS but I feel like he’s just not bothered about his look with me or anyone else.
The worst part is that he goes to work everyday and he starts a new job in the next few weeks.
We also have a family wedding in the autumn (my family) so I’m hoping he does dress up for that and sort his appearance out by then.
I’ve tried talking to him about going on antidepressants again but he doesn’t want to.

Please stop shagging him

Sex should not be on the table whilst he is walking around smelling and bleeding from the face, in his filthy hoodie.

Suprima · 06/04/2022 10:44

And he’s not a great dad. Great dads wash Confused

What an awful role model

MrsSkylerWhite · 06/04/2022 10:44

Not shallow, he sounds unwell. Have you raised the possibility with him?

Bluebluemoon · 06/04/2022 10:52

Stop forcing yourself to have sex with him for a start - you really don't need to do that.

Have an honest conversation with him. You are worried about him and are finding it difficult to be intimate with him any more as he isn't keeping to the basic standards of hygiene. He is obviously depressed and it's up to him to do something about it.

If I told my dh I didn't fancy sex with him because of his appearance (presuming it was things he could easily rectify such as shaving, showering and wearing clean clothes) he'd be off to sort those things faster than a rat up a drainpipe!

If your dh can't be arsed doing basic hygiene he shouldn't expect you to stay with him - it's disgusting. I think you're being too nice OP.

Knittingchamp · 06/04/2022 10:57

I'm also a fan of the honest conversation. It sounds disgusting OP, and you can't be having sex with someone who smells, has pustules on his face, lives in a stinking old hoodie and has matted dirty hair, to the point where you have to do it from behind because he's too grim to smell/look at. This is literally the grimmest thing ever. He needs to go on anti depressants and sort himself out. You're clearly very supportive and sympathetic but you can't martyr yourself to this. He needs to take responsibility and sort himself out.

SlashBeef · 06/04/2022 11:07

He's not a great parent. Good parents set an example to their kids. He's showing his child that it's not important to keep up with basic hygiene and take some pride in yourself.
You had to tolerate sex by not looking at him Sad that's grim.
He needs to sort it out ASAP. It's repulsive and he's inflicting that on you and your child.

Blossomtoes · 06/04/2022 11:16

To be honest, I doubt anyone’s a great parent if they’re as depressed as this guy appears to be. His world must be very black.

I do hope you can find a way to encourage him to get the help he so obviously needs @Chocolatebun. My bloke’s had periods of depression and the biggest hurdle is recognising the onset and making the first step towards dealing with it.

HellToTheNope · 06/04/2022 11:45

Ultimatum time. He either cleans up and gets help for his depression or you're leaving him.

You simply can't live like this.

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