What should I do?

Harriet901 · 2022-04-05T07:25:11+00:00

Posting in AIBU for traffic. I am going to accept my stupidity here but here goes…I am 30 with 2 kids, I always assumed my partner asked me to marry him but he hasn’t yet, we have been together for 13 years. Anyway, if, to him, I am not worthy enough to marry, surely I am young enough to start again, but is it fair on the kids? Should I stay for their sake? Yes I know your probably going to say I should have got married before kids but I didn’t and now I am in this situation. I have a job etc so haven’t given up my security? I don’t think I can give me all to him if he can’t give it back?

Original poster

Harriet901 · 05/04/2022 08:29

My all **

OP posts:

Wheniruletheworld · 05/04/2022 08:30

Why do you need to be married? Been with my DP for 29 years - engaged for 28 and a half of those!

Do you think marriage will give you more security or is it to bolster your 'worth'? because if it is the latter, you really don't need a husband for that.
The fact you've been together for 13 years shows a fabulous level of commitment on both sides, and I doubt marriage will change that. Indeed, statistically, you are more likely to split if you get married after being in a long-term cohabitation situation.
I think it would be very unfair on your kids and DP to leave in the hope that you will find someone to marry you

TriTrey · 05/04/2022 08:30

What's the relationship like? Do you love him? Does he treat you with love, kindness, respect, are you equal partners?

Marriage isn't necessary to be happy and you say you're financially secure but it 100% depends on your relationship!

Original poster

Harriet901 · 05/04/2022 08:33

I love him with all my heart he just says he doesn’t want to get married as he never wants to get divorced, I know he loves me but isn’t married the way he prove he is devoted to me for sure? I don’t want to break up the family for this reason but equally don’t want to be with somebody who isn’t committed? My children adore their dad and he is a wonderful father x

OP posts:

Original poster

Harriet901 · 05/04/2022 08:34

Marriage** sorry phone is playing up

OP posts:

WhyOfCourse · 05/04/2022 08:39

See a solicitor- there are things you can do

Notarealmum · 05/04/2022 08:39

I don’t think you should view marriage as the ultimate indicator of commitment. Look how many married people divorce - and how many non-marrieds have long-lasting relationships. I think it would be madness to give up on an otherwise successful relationship, especially with kids involved, over this.

Wheniruletheworld · 05/04/2022 08:42

@Harriet901

I love him with all my heart he just says he doesn’t want to get married as he never wants to get divorced, I know he loves me but isn’t married the way he prove he is devoted to me for sure? I don’t want to break up the family for this reason but equally don’t want to be with somebody who isn’t committed? My children adore their dad and he is a wonderful father x

No, please get the concept that marriage is proof of love out of your head!

There's a line in the film Oliver, where Nancy asks Bill Sykes if he loves her. His reply was 'of course I love you, I lives with yer don't I?', which sums it up nicely!

This is not his problem, it's about your condifence and self-worth. A counsellor will be cheaper than splitting up a family unit, and you are less likely to devastate your children and OH

cherrytreecottage · 05/04/2022 08:43

@Notarealmum

I don’t think you should view marriage as the ultimate indicator of commitment. Look how many married people divorce - and how many non-marrieds have long-lasting relationships. I think it would be madness to give up on an otherwise successful relationship, especially with kids involved, over this.

Totally agree with this. He's been committed to you for 13 years. Although I totally appreciate you'd love to be married, but if this is the only "issue" in the relationship, it seems madness to break that up over what is essentially a piece of paper.

Youdoyoutoday · 05/04/2022 08:43

So you're in a loving committed relationship with 2 kids and things are all good and you want to break it all to shit just for a piece of paper??

I think you need to have a serious head wobble!

Original poster

Harriet901 · 05/04/2022 08:46

Thanks guys 💗 I feel so much better!

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IsDaveThere · 05/04/2022 08:47

So you only want to get married because you think that will prove his devotion to you?

As a PP has said, plenty of married people split up shortly after getting married and plenty of non-married couples stay together for decades!

I'm another one who wouldn't split up the family just for that reason.

Quartz2208 · 05/04/2022 08:51

Have you set up or would he be willing to set up things legally - house for example how does that work. Wills etc. All the legal sides that being married automatically gives you (for both of you)

Being married isnt just a piece of paper but most can be achieved without it

SmolCat · 05/04/2022 08:53

There's a line in the film Oliver, where Nancy asks Bill Sykes if he loves her. His reply was 'of course I love you, I lives with yer don't I?', which sums it up nicely!
@Wheniruletheworld I’d hardly use them as the example - the point there is that he’s not treating her well! He’s her abuser and her pimp. He won’t commit to her because in his eyes he doesn’t have to: he risks nothing by their relationship and gains everything. She, on the other hand, risks everything. (Although I agree with you the words are nice at face value 😂.)

@Harriet901 you don’t need to get married but you might need to protect yourself: your housing and finances. It depends on your set up.

Hoppinggreen · 05/04/2022 08:55

Marriage isn’t just a piece of paper
It’s a legal contract that gives both parties certain rights and responsibilities, it’s usually women who lose out in a relationship where there is no such legal protection
It’s not a question of proving anyone’s commitment or even a moral issue

Original poster

Harriet901 · 05/04/2022 08:56

Ok, so we have a joint mortgage, joint bank account, I’m his next of kin on everything (although surely this can be changed if he decides to hate me) haha!

OP posts:

Wheniruletheworld · 05/04/2022 08:57

Hi @SmolCat - yes, not the best example I agree, but I think the OP is in a better situation than Nancy!
And it was set almost 200 years ago!

Handsnotwands · 05/04/2022 09:11

Is it the idea of a big (expensive) wedding putting him off?

Me and dh had been together for 15 years, 2 kids just bought a house and we thought we ought to get married but both hated the idea of a wedding. So we went to the register office and got that bit of paper. It worked for us (though it didn’t change anything)

DeliaOwens · 05/04/2022 09:15

Make a will. If you haven't already.
Very important if unmarried with DC

GNfan · 05/04/2022 10:28

I've been with my partner for 25 years. We have two children, and a house (mortgage paid off), and joint savings. In the early days of our relationship, he would ask me to marry him, but I always said no. The thought of being married just feels wrong to me. I know it's right for many people, my daughter included, and that's really lovely, but it's not for me. However... I love my partner with all my heart, am committed to him wholeheartedly, trust him totally, and hope to stay with him until we die. I know some people will think I'm mad, or stupid, but we're all wired differently.

Original poster

Harriet901 · 05/04/2022 10:33

The thought of a big wedding terrifies me if I’m honest. I hate receiving gifts for my birthday S I hate the awkward thank you, I hate being centre of attention!

What would I/we need to be putting in the will?

Regarding his life insurance etc, can he just change that if he wanted to? I mean with me being his next of kin?

OP posts:

AllFreeOwls · 05/04/2022 11:03

Have you spoken to him about what his thoughts on this are? Does he know that marriage is important to you?

Flowersandwine12 · 05/04/2022 11:25

When I was young I assumed I'd get married, a friend of mine and I went through a similar thing, both our boyfriends declared after a few years together that they didn't want to get married. I was gutted but after much reflection knew that I wanted to marry my boyfriend, not anyone else, he was more important than a marriage.

After I had dd he viewed things differently and changed his mind and did surprise me with a proposal. Now together 15 years and married for 6.

My friend however, she wanted to get married, and to her her desire to get married was more important then the person who she was with and their relationship fell apart. This has left her open to find someone else and while it hasn't happened yet I hope she will be married one day. I think deep down she regrets ending her relationship because even 5/10years later she talks about him a lot

Quartz2208 · 05/04/2022 11:48

Wills are actually very important even if you are married. But even more so if you arent.

At the moment you may have a joint mortgage but depending on how it was set up unless you have a will you may not be entitled to the each others share of the house.

Your will should set up exactly where the children will go (which is why it is important) and give the house and money to each other and then the children.

incognitoforthisone · 05/04/2022 11:53

I've been with my DP for 19 years. We're not married and we've got no plans to get married. We have everything in place legally and financially, including wills etc. Marriage isn't proof of love or commitment.