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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don’t want to leave my baby

34 replies

user19888891 · 04/04/2022 20:08

My baby is six months old and I love being with her. I am on maternity leave and will be until she is nearly 11 months. DH and I are very lucky with lots of family support nearby but lately I’ve felt pressured to leave my baby with relatives while I go out. I feel like I constantly have to decline their invitations to meet my friends for lunch or go to the shops etc while they watch LO. They sometimes ask several times a day. But I don’t want to start making plans purely so I am creating an opportunity to leave LO with relatives.
I should say that I trust our relatives and have left LO with them when I’ve needed to go to medical appointments etc. But their offers to have ‘time to myself’ is something I just don’t want because I love spending time with my baby. We almost certainly won’t have any more children and I feel like this is my special time with her.
DH says I need to create distance with LO because I spend too much time with her. He also says that I need a break because there have been a few occasions where I’ve felt overwhelmed and tearful but I thought this was normal with a baby. He just doesn’t seem to understand that spending time with her makes me so happy.
So AIBU for wanting to spend so much time with my baby and being reluctant to leave her with relatives?

OP posts:
TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 04/04/2022 20:10

Your baby. Your life. Your rules.

You do whatever works for you.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 04/04/2022 20:11

Completely Up to you when you leave your baby- don’t feel pressured- however do you think your husband may see something you don’t and actually a break could refresh you? A 2 hour lunch if literally nothing, the baby could sleep in that time anyway- nothing to miss.

MrsClarkandPercy · 04/04/2022 20:11

Personally I think you're creating an amazing bond, and this in part depends on continuously being with your baby. I think he gracious and say don't worry, darling, this is the kind of mother I am, and it works. It won't be forever.

Babies who aren't put through lots of separation anxiety are often more secure and happier.

Mummy1608 · 04/04/2022 20:12

Yanbu.

Take your baby with you when you go to meet friends! This is the perfect age to sit in a highchair or crawl on a rug while you have lunch with friends

Luredbyapomegranate · 04/04/2022 20:14

Well, you should do what you want.

But if your husband is generally solid, then perhaps talk to him a bit more about why he thinks you need a break. It’s normal to find babies overwhelming sometimes, but it’s also a sign you might need a break.

Also ask him why he thinks all your relatives are offering - it’s probably just that they want to spend time with the baby - in which case he should help you ask them to back off.

It’s ultimately up to you.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 04/04/2022 20:16

@MrsClarkandPercy

Personally I think you're creating an amazing bond, and this in part depends on continuously being with your baby. I think he gracious and say don't worry, darling, this is the kind of mother I am, and it works. It won't be forever.

Babies who aren't put through lots of separation anxiety are often more secure and happier.

Don’t be ridiculous- a 6 month old baby would be fine if it’s mother goes for a lunch - the issue is OP doesn’t want to. There is zero risk to the baby, don’t even put that in the OPs head. All good mothers have a bond with their babies, whether they work or are stuck to them 24/7
Randomname85 · 04/04/2022 20:17

Nope. It’s completely up to you. I dealt with this pressure also and it’s not fun. At 5 months old I went to a gig with my husband as I felt guilty that he’d bought the tickets (before I had the baby) - she didn’t take a bottle but my mum said she’d keep trying. My mum messaged me shortly after the gig - as I made her promise if there were any problems - and my daughter was really distressed so I ran (literally) home 🤣 I never imagined the bond would be so strong and thought I’d be desperate to get away from the baby once she was a few months old. this just was not the case. Take your bloody time and everyone can stay out of it! I now have a second who is 18 months and I found it much easier to leave him for short periods when he was littler - not sure if that’s because he’s not my first or because he’s generally a very relaxed kid (who took a bottle!)

tearinghairout · 04/04/2022 20:20

Yes, it's normal to feel overwhelmed, but it sounds as if you're doing really well and you don't need to leave your LO. You are listening to your instincts. Keep it up. I would thank them for their offer and say "No need. Maybe when she's nine months" (or whatever). They shouldn't be pressuring you.

FTEngineerM · 04/04/2022 20:20

Do what ever makes you happy!
And don’t look back.

RaRathebravemouse · 04/04/2022 20:21

OP my baby is 9 months old and I feel as you do. I've not really left him with anyone. I take him out with me in the daytime and I tend not to go out in the evenings as he goes to bed early and I am the one to put him to bed and be there when he wakes up. If I meet friends for lunch he comes with me otherwise I don't go. I simply say no to invitations where he cannot accompany me as I gave no interest in leaving him with someone else so I can socialise.

The only thing I do consider is that he is going to nursery when I go back to work so it might benefit both of us to get used to not being together 24/7.

HellToTheNope · 04/04/2022 20:22

Tell everyone to back off and STFU. You are perfectly fine. Enjoy every second you can with your baby. This time will be gone before you know it.

brookstar · 04/04/2022 20:24

Personally I always thought having a balance was the most healthy approach.
Going out for lunch or the occasional night out isn't going to harm your baby and it's important to not neglect your adult relationships.

TheSoapyFrog · 04/04/2022 20:32

I'd have given anything for my relatives to have looked after my boys when they were babies so I could have a break. Doesn't mean I didn't love spending time with them!
In this sort of situation, you shouldn't have to do anything which you're not comfortable with. Some mothers, like me, were happy to leave the babies for a bit for a break. Some mothers, like you, aren't ready just yet. And that's fine.

You will be ready one day, and then you can take them off on their offers. Stay firm and don't let yourself be pushed into anything.

BikiniB0tt0m · 04/04/2022 20:33

It's up to you you don't have to leave them with anyone but it's nice that they build up a bond with other family members too. Not that they need them on their own to have that but it's nice they care so much and want to spend time with her you are lucky some grandparents aren't very hands on. But of course you have to feel comfortable. Maybe closer to the time when you come off maternity you can think of doing it then and get used to having small amounts of time apart. Also when they are older like toddlers and they run you ragged you might appreciate the offer of an evening or afternoon of babysitting even if you don't now.

Merlott · 04/04/2022 20:35

Politely ask them to let you spend your mat leave with your baby.

As pp say you will want to avoid being too rude because you will probably want a break when they're older and more noisy, less cute etc..!

I'd be tempted to tell them to fuck off but that's probably not the best approach

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 04/04/2022 20:38

Lol she’s 6 months old! If you get to six years and you’ve still never left her with even her father then maybe you want to loosen the apron strings. I say maybe because I think my youngest was about 6 before he spent any significant time away from either parent, not that it made any difference.

And your baby can build up relationships with her relatives when you’re there as well, tbh it’s a bit weird to say she has to be left with them for that to happen.

GettingItOutThere · 04/04/2022 20:44

@HellToTheNope

Tell everyone to back off and STFU. You are perfectly fine. Enjoy every second you can with your baby. This time will be gone before you know it.
this, with bells on

the tiny stage goes in a blink, if you do not want to leave your baby -dont!!

i imagine if/when you go back to work you will have to leave your baby anyhow, so make the most of now.
relatives just want the baby time, explain to them you are happy enough. a relative tried that line on me once and i said "i do not need a break from my child, but thank you"

BikiniB0tt0m · 04/04/2022 20:48

@chiefwiggumsboy I don't think the op said her relatives felt they couldn't bond with the baby without having alone time unless I missed that. It's not right they are pressuring her that would put me right off though.

Gizacluethen · 04/04/2022 20:50

"No I'm fine ta" on repeat.

Thinkbiglittleone · 04/04/2022 20:56

Oh it is so annoying. I never wanted to leave our DS. It is perfectly fine and normal to want to stay with your baby, It was like some relatives just didn't understand that I didn't need him looking after, and I was happy doing it.

I just kept saying "you'll be the first to know when I need him looking after, but don't be holding your breath for a while yet" sort of comment.

Don't let others make you feel anything, do everything in your own time on your own terms and enjoy it.

forevertired12 · 04/04/2022 21:00

F

Original poster
user19888891 · 04/04/2022 21:00

Thank you so much for the replies. I’m glad to hear I’m not unusual for feeling like this and it’s given me the confidence to keep (politely!) declining
I think a lot of you are right that I should start thinking about spending some more time away closer to when I go back to work but it feels too early for me at the moment
I’m also going to take the advice of speaking to my husband more- I am far more emotional than him so unfortunately probably a bit too quick to dismiss him as not understanding me but maybe he sees something I don’t

OP posts:
BeeDavis · 04/04/2022 21:20

@brookstar

Personally I always thought having a balance was the most healthy approach. Going out for lunch or the occasional night out isn't going to harm your baby and it's important to not neglect your adult relationships.
100% agree.
Passthebubbly · 04/04/2022 21:30

Trust me you blink and they are teenagers. You do whatever makes you happy, they are only little for such a short period of time

Mrsmch123 · 04/04/2022 21:39

My baby is 9 months old and I have left him for three occasions for half an hour with my mil while we went to tesco. I have no desire to leave him atm. Like you I just decline anyones invitation to watch him.

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