To think there is a bit of a disconnect on Mumsnet nowadays between posters' experience of being a parent and that of being a child!

[Comeoninandclosethedoor]

As someone who is coming to the end of my hands-on parenting days, and someone who has been on Mumsnet a lot over the years, I have noticed this of late.

It's not my intention to highlight or criticise any particular thread or poster and I admit to having had quite a few difficult years parenting teens myself, so I am certainly not claiming to be mother of the year myself, but this is something that seems to crop up a lot atm.

There are currently a lot of threads saying - understandably - how difficult, relentless, boring and frustrating it can be to be a mother sometimes (it is usually mothers posting) on one side of the boards, while at the same time, there are so many people (usually women) posting about how awful their parents are , particularly their mothers, on the other. How their mothers never cared enough, did enough, were too narcissistic, too selfish when they were DC, and how they don't help out enough with their GC now?

Disclaimer: Obviously I am not talking about neglectful or abusive mothers (and fathers) here who deserve every bit of negative criticism and condemnation they receive

But AIBU to suggest that we can try and join the dots a bit here? That mothers are often doing their best in very difficult circumstances, that many find parenting hard, and that parenting nowadays isn't easy, especially when so much is expected of women? That we could all cut one another some slack and be a bit more understanding of mothers, who are given a very hard time on here?

I think a lot of people like to blame their mothers for the way they are because its much easier and more comforting than examining your own behaviour and actions. This pretty much sums up my sister.

Yet fathers seem to get away with murder. The bar on what constitutes a good father is incredibly low.

My mum was difficult at times, often snappy and grumpy but when I looked back I have realised that my dad worked away a lot (by choice) and left her to deal with everything. He then came home like Disney dad. No wonder my mum was frustrated. My dad is a lovely man but was fairly useless in a lot of ways, yet my sister focuses on my mother's shortcomings.

The birds have come home to roost now though as my niece is very critical of my sister's parenting.

Hmm, we’ve just been through two years when the needs and well-being of children were completely disregarded, in a way they certainly never were for my generation, so I’m going to disagree with this very strongly.

I don't know which generation we're talking about. My both parents worked very demanding jobs so we could have a decent standard of living, and life was generally harder. They made sure we were safe, fed healthy, and doing well in school. Yes, they were not to invested into emotional well-being and I do have plenty of resentments, as it was borderline abuse at times. However, life was never properly hard for me.
Nowadays it seems like the pendulum has swung, and parents are supposed to be best mates, organize playdates, micromanage friendships, organize family time according to what the child wants, etc. And children seem to be less happy (then blame it on social media).

@CatsArePeople

Hmm, we’ve just been through two years when the needs and well-being of children were completely disregarded, in a way they certainly never were for my generation, so I’m going to disagree with this very strongly.

I don't know which generation we're talking about. My both parents worked very demanding jobs so we could have a decent standard of living, and life was generally harder. They made sure we were safe, fed healthy, and doing well in school. Yes, they were not to invested into emotional well-being and I do have plenty of resentments, as it was borderline abuse at times. However, life was never properly hard for me.
Nowadays it seems like the pendulum has swung, and parents are supposed to be best mates, organize playdates, micromanage friendships, organize family time according to what the child wants, etc. And children seem to be less happy (then blame it on social media).

I'm not much help in this argument because I was a child of the sixties and seventies and I have teens of my own, so I can see both sides.

I think it's virtually impossible for my teens to understand what it was like growing up in the 60s and 70s with parents who were children during the war. The lack of Internet. The lack of information.
The level of poverty. The lack of money and indeed lack of shops and poor consumer choice as compared with now. The poor public infrastructure. The lack of good nutrition. Lack of central heating. The lack of material comforts. The strikes. (I grew up in the Midlands and it was grim.)

You can get a sense of it if you watch Netflix documentaries about the Yorkshire Ripper and Jimmy Savile. Cheery eh?

And children were raised very differently. It wasn't quite "be seen and not heard" but more "out of sight, out of mind".

It's all so different now that there isn't much point in even trying to explain to my dc but I do often find myself thinking "if only you knew how lucky you are".

At the same my teens and young adults have really suffered in the pandemic. And their experience is very much rooted in the here and now. Yes they have us to give them a broader perspective but if you say "compared to my day this isn't half bad" you also have to be careful not to be dismissive of their genuine upset and frustration. One of mine missed out on a lot of schooling. Important exams were disrupted. There was a lot of stress and uncertainty. Her school did not handle the pandemic well at all. Both missed out on very important milestone events and trips that were important to them. And both were confined to barracks when they should have been making exploratory forays outside of the home and gaining autonomy amd independence. And of course the academic and external pressures on them is huge.

In some ways, life without the Internet was freer and more fulfilling. And the world was more optimistic in our youth.

Swings and roundabouts!

And yes - sorry this was the main point - I so agree that "fathers seem to get away with murder. The bar on what constitutes a good father is incredibly low".

There have been some improvements but men , even fifty years on , still largely managed to side step blame! Unless they have been completely absent of course.