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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childcare during labour

47 replies

Doyoucursewhereyoucomefrom · 04/04/2022 09:11

Mum A is pregnant with her second child. Parents B and C offer to look after her child when she goes into labour so that her husband can be there for the birth. Her previous labour lasted 3 hours in total. When A is 39 weeks pregnant B and C announce they are going away for 4 days starting the next day - location is 4 hours drive away. This is said not as an apology just in a matter of fact type way. A feels upset and let down but manages to secure alternative childcare at the last minute in case she does go into labour during the next 5 days. She doesn't have the kind of relationship with B and C where she feels able to express her disappointment. Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
Doyoucursewhereyoucomefrom · 04/04/2022 09:13

Just to clarify...B and C are A's parents (IE the GPs)

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whosaidth1 · 04/04/2022 09:16

B and C offered to help so its annoying that they backed out last minute but they're not obligated to do anything.

If she can't express her disappointment to B and C then A will just have to leave it and move on. She will know how to manage her expectations for next time and decide what kind of relationship(if any at all) she wants with them moving forward.

Comedycook · 04/04/2022 09:16

It's shitty behaviour

autienotnaughty · 04/04/2022 09:18

It's really crap, it's not just letting you down when you want a couple of hours to yourself. This is you having a baby and needing childcare. Did you ask about dc and what happens if you go into labour?

Original poster
Doyoucursewhereyoucomefrom · 04/04/2022 09:29

@autienotnaughty

It's really crap, it's not just letting you down when you want a couple of hours to yourself. This is you having a baby and needing childcare. Did you ask about dc and what happens if you go into labour?
Good question. No as within the context of the relationship this would not have gone down well in all likelihood - likely to be perceived as an ungrateful/ unreasonable response. A was contemplating having to labour alone if no alternative childcare was found
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Original poster
Doyoucursewhereyoucomefrom · 04/04/2022 09:32

@whosaidth1

B and C offered to help so its annoying that they backed out last minute but they're not obligated to do anything.

If she can't express her disappointment to B and C then A will just have to leave it and move on. She will know how to manage her expectations for next time and decide what kind of relationship(if any at all) she wants with them moving forward.

Thanks. Yes A is trying to do exactly that- establish just what type of relationship to attempt to continue with B and C based on this and numerous other occasions where she feels let down by them
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MatildaTheCat · 04/04/2022 09:33

To be honest that’s very poor and if I had the baby while they were away I probably wouldn’t disturb’ their holiday’. I’m quite petty sometimes.

Best wishes.

LittleOwl153 · 04/04/2022 09:34

Sounds like B&C were not the best choice for childcare anyway as they don't have the relationship/interest in A/her DC to prioritise.

Do B&C have the kid of granparent relationship where it is all about the photos/image?

Youdoyoutoday · 04/04/2022 09:35

That's a shitty thing to do! A has every right to be upset with that!

Trulyweird1 · 04/04/2022 09:37

@MatildaTheCat

To be honest that’s very poor and if I had the baby while they were away I probably wouldn’t disturb’ their holiday’. I’m quite petty sometimes.

Best wishes.

Me too. That’s so lacking in thought/ empathy. Hope it goes well for you.
Hohofortherobbers · 04/04/2022 09:37

This happened to me. In my experience our relationship was never the same again. I felt let down and distanced myself and they definitely knew why even though their shitty behaviour was not mentioned again. I never relied on them for anything after this and it still hurts years later. We arranged a back up who was there for us and who I feel closer to as a result.

Maybeitstimeforachange · 04/04/2022 09:38

Worse than not offering to help at all if you ask me - I can’t imagine doing that to my child.

Original poster
Doyoucursewhereyoucomefrom · 04/04/2022 09:39

@LittleOwl153

Sounds like B&C were not the best choice for childcare anyway as they don't have the relationship/interest in A/her DC to prioritise.

Do B&C have the kid of granparent relationship where it is all about the photos/image?

Thanks. Agreed. Perhaps A was being naïve to think that she could rely on her parents to deliver (no pun intended!) when she really needed them. Yes they certainly do present themselves as brilliant parents and grandparents to their friends (and to A!!)
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Goldbar · 04/04/2022 09:41

Really poor of B and C.

Comedycook · 04/04/2022 09:42

If I was A, I'd be remembering this if B&C need help and support in the future

girlmom21 · 04/04/2022 09:43

I'd hazard a guess that it's not the first time your parents have behaved in similar ways. At least you know never to rely on them now.

WildCoasts · 04/04/2022 09:44

That is awful of B and C. I think, as GPs, if you commit to watching a GC during labour, you make sure you be there. At a late stage, you make sure you stay where you can get back when you need to. It would have to be a real emergency to change that.

Original poster
Doyoucursewhereyoucomefrom · 04/04/2022 09:45

@Hohofortherobbers

This happened to me. In my experience our relationship was never the same again. I felt let down and distanced myself and they definitely knew why even though their shitty behaviour was not mentioned again. I never relied on them for anything after this and it still hurts years later. We arranged a back up who was there for us and who I feel closer to as a result.
Sorry this happened to you. B and C literally have no concept that this wasn't a great thing to do to A. This was months ago and the relationship has carried on unchanged. But A is wondering whether to limit contact for the sake of her own wellbeing (which isn't currently great)
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Original poster
Doyoucursewhereyoucomefrom · 04/04/2022 09:46

@girlmom21

I'd hazard a guess that it's not the first time your parents have behaved in similar ways. At least you know never to rely on them now.
Yup Sad
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Original poster
Doyoucursewhereyoucomefrom · 04/04/2022 09:53

A is only just starting to unpick the narrative she has always been sold of B and C as truly excellent, thoughtful, empathetic and loving parents Confused

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Hankunamatata · 04/04/2022 09:58

A should have spoke up and asked what she was to do when they went into labour while they were away.

TidyDancer · 04/04/2022 10:02

I think you could've said something at the time, especially if you felt the relationship was going to distance anyway. If it came up now, my guess is you'd end up being blamed for being over the top (which I don't think you are). Families are complicated though, I don't blame you for not saying anything.

Brefugee · 04/04/2022 10:02

first off congrats on the impending baby.

I think that if you're not comfortable enough to remind them that they agreed to provide childcare and that it can all kick off any moment, they may not have been your best choice?

Sorry, nothing else to offer. Do you know anyone else at all who might step in?

Original poster
Doyoucursewhereyoucomefrom · 04/04/2022 10:03

Agreed! But to have done so would have been 'punished' by a cooling off in parental love/support in all likelihood. So she kept quiet. And lined up an alternative. And cried a lot. A is well aware the whole dynamic is dysfunctional. Just looking for objective opinions on how bad this was on B and C's parts. As she has been brought up never to criticise them

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arethereanyleftatall · 04/04/2022 10:03

Not sure why we're still bothering, or even bothered in the first place, with A,B and C.

Yeah, it's rubbish of them. I learnt quite quickly that whilst any help which came my way from my parents was marvellous, and they do do a lot, nevertheless they couldn't be relied upon. So, I'd have paid childcare in place for this - more reliable!