Childcare during labour

[Doyoucursewhereyoucomefrom]

Mum A is pregnant with her second child. Parents B and C offer to look after her child when she goes into labour so that her husband can be there for the birth. Her previous labour lasted 3 hours in total. When A is 39 weeks pregnant B and C announce they are going away for 4 days starting the next day - location is 4 hours drive away. This is said not as an apology just in a matter of fact type way. A feels upset and let down but manages to secure alternative childcare at the last minute in case she does go into labour during the next 5 days. She doesn't have the kind of relationship with B and C where she feels able to express her disappointment. Who is being unreasonable?

@Brefugee

first off congrats on the impending baby.

I think that if you're not comfortable enough to remind them that they agreed to provide childcare and that it can all kick off any moment, they may not have been your best choice?

Sorry, nothing else to offer. Do you know anyone else at all who might step in?

Baby is now safely here thank you and alternative childcare was found

Thanks fair enough yes it is of course me and my parents. Just wanting to put in some distance/objectivity in a strange way if that makes any kind of sense. I wasn't aware we could obtain overnight childcare for an unpredictable date. But yes I know not to rely on them in future.

+Baby is now safely here thank you and alternative childcare was found

exellent. But you need to think long and hard about your relationship with your parents and how you want it to work. If you'd mentioned it and they had cooled off towards you - why would that worry you then? you readjust your expectations, and they can whistle if they need help from you. (obvs in RL that is a lot more emotional and difficult)

Enjoy your lovely baby!

Thanks all. I guess they're shits then. And that I was a bit of a mug to rely on them!

Playing happy families with people who you can't rely on with damage your mental health. One regret I had was to not cut contact, or go very LC before my Mother had a relationship with my DD. It meant that I was stuck. They badly let you down and you shouldn't have to gloss over that.

@Doyoucursewhereyoucomefrom

Agreed! But to have done so would have been 'punished' by a cooling off in parental love/support in all likelihood. So she kept quiet. And lined up an alternative. And cried a lot. A is well aware the whole dynamic is dysfunctional. Just looking for objective opinions on how bad this was on B and C's parts. As she has been brought up never to criticise them

This is actually really sad and its gonna be a cycle if A doesn't break it now. The fact that she can't even say: "I didn't like what you did!". it seems like B and C want to be in A's life only when it's convenient for them. A sounds like she's been in distress with this relationship for years. Hope she finds the strength and boldness to lay it on them and move on...

How far along were you when you had your first child? If you were overdue it's possible they thought that going away at 39 weeks for 4 days they'd be back before your due date.
Obviously still a shitty thing to do and thoughtless but just trying to understand why they would think that's okay!

It doesn't sound like you have the best relationship anyway though so to be honest even without this happening, I think I would still be reevaluating what they bring to your life and if it's worth maintaining contact

@Doyoucursewhereyoucomefrom

Thanks fair enough yes it is of course me and my parents. Just wanting to put in some distance/objectivity in a strange way if that makes any kind of sense. I wasn't aware we could obtain overnight childcare for an unpredictable date. But yes I know not to rely on them in future.

Good point. I guess I got lucky - dd2 started coming at 9am and I was home by 5pm. Standard nursery hours. 💪😂 There must be a market for a childcare agency who specialise in this. 24-7 for however long it takes. Maybe there already is.

@Brefugee

+Baby is now safely here thank you and alternative childcare was found

exellent. But you need to think long and hard about your relationship with your parents and how you want it to work. If you'd mentioned it and they had cooled off towards you - why would that worry you then? you readjust your expectations, and they can whistle if they need help from you. (obvs in RL that is a lot more emotional and difficult)

Enjoy your lovely baby!

Thanks. I will try to take that on board. I entirely agree in theory but in reality I think I'm desperate for even little crumbs of affection and support from them.

And yes she really is lovely thank you!

I agree that's shitty. And it also shows that there are massive issues in the relationship where you don't feel able to say 'but you promised to help, what if I go into labour then?' It sounds like they hold a load of power over you if they are able to act in a way that most people would find shitty, then if you express any emotion about it, you're the one that is punished. That's not right

Shitty not to check you were comfortable with it but if you didn't labour in the time they were away I wouldn't reduce contact over it.

My parents have always had the kids when I've gone in to have babies. They booked a holiday close to my elcs but they did ask me if I'd prefer they cancelled it. DH was working away until 4 days before elcs date anyway so I said I don't think I'll go in to labour before then and it's fine. I did go in to labour earlier but only 1 day so it was fine and they were back to look after the kids for us.

@Chely

Shitty not to check you were comfortable with it but if you didn't labour in the time they were away I wouldn't reduce contact over it.

My parents have always had the kids when I've gone in to have babies. They booked a holiday close to my elcs but they did ask me if I'd prefer they cancelled it. DH was working away until 4 days before elcs date anyway so I said I don't think I'll go in to labour before then and it's fine. I did go in to labour earlier but only 1 day so it was fine and they were back to look after the kids for us.

Think it was the extremely last minute nature of the trip away I found most hurtful - leaving me scrabbling about to find somebody to watch my child.so I didn't potentially need to labour alone

@Underfrighter

I agree that's shitty. And it also shows that there are massive issues in the relationship where you don't feel able to say 'but you promised to help, what if I go into labour then?' It sounds like they hold a load of power over you if they are able to act in a way that most people would find shitty, then if you express any emotion about it, you're the one that is punished. That's not right

Yes that pretty much sums up the whole sorry situation

If I was in that position I’d be so angry! We only have my parents that can care for DD1 so if I go into labour and they aren’t around we will have no one to have her and ultimately I would birth alone.

They booked a cruise for the time I’m due, as soon as I told them I was pregnant and the due date they cancelled and rearranged! Not sure why you didn’t just say something to them straight away?

Your parents behaved very badly, you don’t offer help in a crucial moment only to back out for leisurely reason.

in reality I think I'm desperate for even little crumbs of affection and support from them

I suggest limiting contact and seeking counselling for the issues. There’s fantastic thread in Relationships called “Stately Homes” for anybody who has dysfunctional family.
Your parents definitely sound like it.
Pull away, work on yourself and seriously lower your expectations. Sadly for some people their children will never be good enough.

So did they provide the childcare you asked, or did the delivery happen whilst they were away?

@SD1978

So did they provide the childcare you asked, or did the delivery happen whilst they were away?

Delivery happened after my parents came back but with my PILs staying to look after our child (they had already agreed to cover the period after I became overdue- this was planned in advance as they live 4 hours away)

Thank you for this validation - I think it's what I need to hear. I will have a look at the thread.

@Doyoucursewhereyoucomefrom

Thank you for this validation - I think it's what I need to hear. I will have a look at the thread.

Sorry this was in reply to @FrenchBoule

It was awful of your parents to promise something like that and then change their minds at the last minute - really crap behaviour on their part. If they didn't want to be on hand for childcare they didn't have to offer, and then you could have made other arrangements right from the start rather than having to scrabble around desperately when you were practically about to give birth.

On more positive note - congratulations on your lovely new arrival!

Glad you’re coming to realise that this isn’t healthy or normal OP. Wish you the best of luck with working on a future relationship with them that serves your better than this current one.

For comparison of a more “normal” scenario. I didn’t need any childcare or assistance from my mum, but was still a bit upset she was considering going on holiday over my due date. I told her I was a bit upset and it turned out she’d got the dates mixed up. She said she would never want to be away for my due date.

Hope that doesn’t sound like I’m rubbing it in. Just wanted to provide a comparison because when something has gone on for so long sometimes you start to doubt yourself.

@JemimaTiggywinkle

Glad you’re coming to realise that this isn’t healthy or normal OP. Wish you the best of luck with working on a future relationship with them that serves your better than this current one.

For comparison of a more “normal” scenario. I didn’t need any childcare or assistance from my mum, but was still a bit upset she was considering going on holiday over my due date. I told her I was a bit upset and it turned out she’d got the dates mixed up. She said she would never want to be away for my due date.

Hope that doesn’t sound like I’m rubbing it in. Just wanted to provide a comparison because when something has gone on for so long sometimes you start to doubt yourself.

Thank you. Enjoy your lovely mum. I will try to be this kind of a mum for my own adult children.