AIBU to ask my family not to invite my cousin who's called me trashy to family gatherings when I'm visiting them

[Kath57]

Hi there. Hoping you can give me some advice.

I have a big family and grew up close to my cousin. I moved abroad 5 years ago but keep in touch with them regularly.

A couple of years ago I was visiting them for a week. One day my cousin was playing a game on her phone with sound on while I was trying to chat with my aunties. I told her to either turn the volume off or get her earphones or change the room. She was being unreasonable and kept giving me excuses for whatever solution I came up with. She then started shouting at me and called me trashy... I stopped talking to her and came back to the country I live in. A month later she sent me a long message and apologized. We moved on or I though we did...

Fast forward 2 years after not being able to see them because of the pandemic, I visited my family at the new year. 3 days into my visit we were all together having a chat. At some point my cousin said something completely opposite of what she said the day before and I said 'Oh come on don't be so flaky, make your bloody mind up!!'. All in good fun. Nobody around us thought I was being serious. We went to bed shortly and she stayed at the same house as me. Next morning we were meant to go out together. My aunt phoned her to ask where we were and she said that she wasn't coming. She asked why and my cousin said 'I can't deal with this'. I was surprised and simply asked what she couldn't deal with and she went absolutely ballistic on me. She said that I was 'being funny with her' the other night and called me trashy again. I told her to leave the house but she was already at the door leaving at that point.

I told her I was hurt by her calling me trashy (again!!) and that it was clearly her opinion of me. She refused to apologize. My family pretends as if nothing's happened between us and kept inviting her around for the remainder of my stay there but we didn't talk and it was awkward.

I'm about to visit my hometown soon. Is it unreasonable for me set a boundary with the rest of my family that she is not to be invited to family gatherings when I'm there until she apologizes? It doesn't sit well with me but at the same time I'm so very hurt...

TLDR - My cousin called me trashy and refuses to apologise. Can I set a boundary that she cannot be there when I visit my family?

I appreciate your thoughts/advice. Thanks!

I would just stop engaging with her, let it gradually de-escalate over time. Definitely don't bring other family members into your falling-out. It sounds like in both your examples, you initiated the confrontation (although ofc she was very rude in response) so next time, just keep it light and don't engage...unless there are other examples?

A bit of minor bickering it appears - you called her “flaky” she called you “trashy” - all seems a bit juvenile.

I would say it’s the prerogative of the house owner / party host to decide who is / isn’t invited.

Don’t be asking your family to chose between the two of you, down that path lies misery

You cant dictate who is invited to things but you can say that you dont want to go if she is there.

I agree with @Mummy1608, don't involve other family members in what is actually a rather petty disagreement. Don't engage with the cousin either, neither of you can communicate in a way with which the other is happy with so don't communicate. It should be easy enough to avoid them if you have a large family. If you're planning to stay with family who are likely to invite them to smaller casual gatherings then I'd consider staying somewhere else. As you see them so irregularly you might as well just avoid them and do the bare minimum of civil conversation when necessary.

YABU. You can't dictate to your family and you're essentially forcing them to choose between you.
If you must have 'boundaries', they are for you to abide by, not others. If you want to see your cousin, you enforce your boundary by not going, not by trying to get your family to ban your cousin from coming.
Personally I'd just go, this is too petty to be worth giving any thought to.

You keep starting shit with your cousin and now you want her banned from family gatherings? yikes...

Setting a boundary would be you chosing to stay away from the gathering if you're so determined to avoid your cousin. Trying to force the rest of the family to pick your side and exclude her from the whole family just because you don't want her around just makes you sound like a shit-stirring drama queen.

Umm, no, you don’t get to decide who someone else invites to their own home.
How old are you both because it all sounds a bit immature.
Both confrontations were entirely unnecessary and i suggest you try and stay out of such nonsense on future.
BTW what does trashy mean anyway?

You've had a minor bicker and should just ignore each other. You can't dictate who other family members invite to invents.

*events

So on two occasions now you’ve tried to order your cousin to leave the room, and even the house, when it isn’t actually your house? Who the hell do you think you are?

You’re damn lucky to have been invited back - I wouldn’t have you in my house again if you thought you could call the shots around who did what in which room, or who could come into the house at all. If you really don’t want to see your cousin, don’t go to the gathering. Trying to dictate the guest list will make you look even more unhinged.

I don't understand why you are telling your cousin to leave the room in her house when you were visiting. That's outrageous.

I think you are the problem here.

Except she did apologise in the text message?

YABU for all the reasons others have said.
Grow up

@sweetbellyhigh

I don't understand why you are telling your cousin to leave the room in her house when you were visiting. That's outrageous.

I think you are the problem here.

This

You don't get to tell someone who they can or cannot invite to their home. HTH.

I think you are calling this 'setting a boundary' because having boundaries is generally a good thing. However, you can only really set boundaries for yourself, not other people.

Is this a reverse? I do hope so.

You told her to either turn the volume off or get her earphones or change the room. Then you picked on what she said, accused her of being flaky in front of other people and told her to make her bloody mind up?

No you can't tell other people not to invite your cousin, although I'd be surprised if she wants much to do with you tbh.

I’m assuming you’re both about 3 because as a rule grown women tend to behave as, you know, adults, and you are behaving like toddlers in a preschool.

I agree with PPs - you escalated both of these situations. And now want to escalate them further. You and your cousin both behaved poorly and called each other names. You can't ban your family from inviting your cousin round, no.

Sounds like you waltz in from abroad and made demands, are your trying to control the situations because you are visiting? People can resent those who live away and expect family to pander to them when they visit. Sounds like this isn't really about one or two incidents but how you interact more widely. I suggest you bite your lip and remember you are the visitor

You sound very immature.

Must be a reverse. If not, stop telling other people what to do. Life will become a whole lot easier.

if they're large family gatherings, just avoid her - unreasonable to expect family to take sides.

Using the word "boundary" doesn't make it ok to try and force your family to actively side with you in a childish quarrel they are rightly ignoring.

You sound as bad as each other.

Why should your family have to engage with this teenage crap?

@WomanStanleyWoman

So on two occasions now you’ve tried to order your cousin to leave the room, and even the house, when it isn’t actually your house? Who the hell do you think you are?

You’re damn lucky to have been invited back - I wouldn’t have you in my house again if you thought you could call the shots around who did what in which room, or who could come into the house at all. If you really don’t want to see your cousin, don’t go to the gathering. Trying to dictate the guest list will make you look even more unhinged.

This

YABVU

Even by your own telling of the story, you come off badly.