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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask my family not to invite my cousin who's called me trashy to family gatherings when I'm visiting them

45 replies

Kath57 · 03/04/2022 20:52

Hi there. Hoping you can give me some advice.

I have a big family and grew up close to my cousin. I moved abroad 5 years ago but keep in touch with them regularly.

A couple of years ago I was visiting them for a week. One day my cousin was playing a game on her phone with sound on while I was trying to chat with my aunties. I told her to either turn the volume off or get her earphones or change the room. She was being unreasonable and kept giving me excuses for whatever solution I came up with. She then started shouting at me and called me trashy... I stopped talking to her and came back to the country I live in. A month later she sent me a long message and apologized. We moved on or I though we did...

Fast forward 2 years after not being able to see them because of the pandemic, I visited my family at the new year. 3 days into my visit we were all together having a chat. At some point my cousin said something completely opposite of what she said the day before and I said 'Oh come on don't be so flaky, make your bloody mind up!!'. All in good fun. Nobody around us thought I was being serious. We went to bed shortly and she stayed at the same house as me. Next morning we were meant to go out together. My aunt phoned her to ask where we were and she said that she wasn't coming. She asked why and my cousin said 'I can't deal with this'. I was surprised and simply asked what she couldn't deal with and she went absolutely ballistic on me. She said that I was 'being funny with her' the other night and called me trashy again. I told her to leave the house but she was already at the door leaving at that point.

I told her I was hurt by her calling me trashy (again!!) and that it was clearly her opinion of me. She refused to apologize. My family pretends as if nothing's happened between us and kept inviting her around for the remainder of my stay there but we didn't talk and it was awkward.

I'm about to visit my hometown soon. Is it unreasonable for me set a boundary with the rest of my family that she is not to be invited to family gatherings when I'm there until she apologizes? It doesn't sit well with me but at the same time I'm so very hurt...

TLDR - My cousin called me trashy and refuses to apologise. Can I set a boundary that she cannot be there when I visit my family?

I appreciate your thoughts/advice. Thanks!

OP posts:

TabithaTittlemouse · 03/04/2022 22:54

It all sounds quite childish.

knowsmorethansnow · 04/04/2022 00:29

I think the way to speak to her is a problem. You come across as rude and bossy

Chloemol · 04/04/2022 00:43

You need to grow up

You were visiting someone’s house, snapped at your cousin, who obviously did not feel it was ‘all in fun’ and made her feel uncomfortable. Why should you behave in this way? You have no idea how she was feeling that day and yet again you tell her off

What right have you got to stop her listening to her phone in someone else’s home? (not sure if it was her own home of it you were both visiting someone else’s)- you don’t

Your behaviour in the first visit was not good, and no you cannot dictate who can visit other people’s home either

You need to accept responsibility for your own part here

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 04/04/2022 01:28

Are you maybe more like sisters who always fight and make up? Why not use it as an opportunity to make up again and learn from it. Learn from your mistakes and move on.
Don't make your family choose as that will only cause resentment.
If you can't be around her, then yourself yourself out of the mix, not ask people to exclude her.
Also, you can be in the same place and be polite without being best buddies.

Momijin · 04/04/2022 01:49

Are you both still young teens because you sound like my kids arguing. Grow up

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 04/04/2022 01:57

I wouldn't.
You can only control what happens in your own residence.

SunshineAndFizz · 04/04/2022 02:07

You've started two ridiculous arguments and then got annoyed when she responded. Be nicer to people and they'll be nice back.

PrincessNutella · 04/04/2022 02:17

This is what I would call a perfect growth opportunity for you. Instead of involving your relatives in a petty dispute that would make them feel awkward and unhappy, why not try rising above your hurt feelings and think of the larger picture; i.e; acting in a way that will bring pleasure to the greatest number of people. That would most likely be going to social events with a positive, pleasant, open-minded attitude that shows your gratitude to your hosts for the efforts they are making on your behalf.

Jenasaurus · 04/04/2022 02:28

According to this I would be more offended by being called Flaky than trashy
www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Flakey

Turningpurple · 04/04/2022 02:36

Yes yabu to try and get people to exclude your cousin.

lemongreentea · 04/04/2022 10:14

Do you have a personality disorder OP? Your behaviour is similiar to people who do. Maybe look into this to try and understand how your behaviour around others comes across?

Do you behave is such petty and immature ways at work? With your friends?

Hoppinggreen · 04/04/2022 10:16

You should both grow up

AChocolateOrangeaday · 04/04/2022 10:17

How old are you both? I really need to know.

AskingforaBaskin · 04/04/2022 10:21

To me the definition of trashy is dragging other family members into a spat you two are having.

They have a relationship with both of you. You making them choose a side is ridiculous, childish and trashy.

So be a grown up. Either don't go or don't engage.

But YABU.

GoFishandChips · 04/04/2022 10:22

Sorry but it sounds incredibly childish, you were bossy telling her about the phone game in the first place, let her mother and father parent her not you, how old is she? If I was your family I'd be wishing you would both grow up a bit.

Viostep · 04/04/2022 10:28

I'm clearly in the minority here but I don't think you are being unreasonable.

You shouldn't have to be around unpleasant people when you come back to visit loved ones.

Surely they can see her all the time, when you aren't visiting the country?

Certain family members of mine don't get along. It would be so uncomfortable if I insisted on seeing them both together

Viostep · 04/04/2022 10:32

It's my daughter's first birthday coming up. It's annoying that I can't just get all the grandparents together for a little celebration. It wouldn't be pleasant to do that though, and would spoil the atmosphere.

ThreeWiseWomen · 04/04/2022 13:39

@AChocolateOrangeaday

How old are you both? I really need to know.

@AChocolateOrangeaday

Yr7 I reckon.

purplecorkheart · 04/04/2022 13:53

Not your place to ask your cousin to leave the room etc and they way you called your cousin seemed a bit arguementive and rude. No you cannot dictate who the owner of the house has in their home. Honestly you sound like a nightmare guest.

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 04/04/2022 14:09

Sorry but I agree with the others, you're the problem here and if you don't wind your neck in it'll be you who is excluded from family gatherings.

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