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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

If you go to a bride's hen should she invite you to the wedding?

39 replies

Ihaveadoodle · 02/04/2022 16:49

I have a big family but a few of my other girl cousins around the same age would be very close. We don't see eachother often but we meet up once a year and have always invited each other to weddings.

One of my cousin's had her hen the last weekend before pay day in January (I know...). We were asked to come and myself and the other cousins went. Except us there were 10 others.. bridesmaids and members of the groom's family and two girls she works with.

With the exception of myself and cousins everyone left the hen early after dinner. The bride wanted to go dancing so we made this happen.

The bride got married this weekend.. I wasn't expecting an invite to the wedding but considering we all paid for hotels, taxis, outfits, lunch, dinner, drinks and the bride's share.. I thought at least an evening invite!

Waited all week for a text to say come one down to the evening part.. nothing!

Am I crazy to think this was super rude?

OP posts:

EinsteinaGogo · 02/04/2022 16:52

Depending on the size of the wedding, not everyone who is invited to the hen do will necessarily be invited to the wedding (work colleagues etc).

I would imagine you'd know if you were on the guest list before the hen party, though. Did you not?

Dearmariacountmein · 02/04/2022 16:53

I think that is incredibly rude. Fair enough if someone is perhaps having a small family only affair but wants to do a hen with their friends but that isn’t what happened here.

DowntonCrabby · 02/04/2022 16:54

It was rude, yes. Totally bizarre you’d think an invitation to the evening “do” would have been issued in the week running up to the wedding though. I’d have assumed when you went on a hen in January that you weren’t invited if you hadn’t already been, to a wedding taking place in early April.

Original poster

Ihaveadoodle · 02/04/2022 16:56

160 guests went to the wedding which is why I am ultimately pissed.. out of 160 people your closest cousins weren't even considered?

I do makeup and tans etc. She mentioned at the hen that I should do her tan for the wedding and top up her makeup on the day..

OP posts:

Original poster

Ihaveadoodle · 02/04/2022 16:57

In Ireland here where I am from it would be normal for a WhatsApp message to go around the week of the wedding for an evening party

OP posts:

Freddiefox · 02/04/2022 16:58

So rude, shows you what she’s thinks of you and your relationship

Original poster

Ihaveadoodle · 02/04/2022 16:58

And no lol invites for the full wedding came out late Feb

OP posts:

DysmalRadius · 02/04/2022 17:01

@Ihaveadoodle

160 guests went to the wedding which is why I am ultimately pissed.. out of 160 people your closest cousins weren't even considered?

I do makeup and tans etc. She mentioned at the hen that I should do her tan for the wedding and top up her makeup on the day..

It sounds like she did invite you then? Do you think she perhaps thought you'd gather/assume you were invited so didn't send a formal invitation?

Riverlee · 02/04/2022 17:01

Yes, I think if you went to the hen you should be invited to the wedding. The only exception is if the wedding was a destination wedding, or a very small wedding, so the hen included people unable to go. Surely, if you are close enough to go to the hen party, you are close enough to go to the wedding.

Hankunamatata · 02/04/2022 17:02

On the fence. You only meet once a year. How many cousins are there?

balalake · 02/04/2022 17:02

Agree that hen do and wedding should go together. Seemed a modest hen do by today's standards incidentally.

Lollypop701 · 02/04/2022 17:02

Bloody hell, for a cousin not to be invited to even evening do is awful. What did your parents say?

DowntonCrabby · 02/04/2022 17:05

@Ihaveadoodle

In Ireland here where I am from it would be normal for a WhatsApp message to go around the week of the wedding for an evening party

That’s interesting.

Is there a chance then, if invitations are often so casual, that she assumes you’d have known you were invited for the evening, if you’ve attended the hen do and are a close cousin?
Especially as she has suggested you touching up her make-up?

nldnmum02 · 02/04/2022 17:05

I think that’s super rude you weren’t invited but expected to be at the hen. I’m from an irish background too and can’t imagine not inviting cousins I’m close enough with that they’d be at my hen. Just wondering if you still sent a card/gift/money?

GroggyLegs · 02/04/2022 17:06

I've been to a couple of hens but not been invited to the wedding. But both times I'd been part of a group with the bride so there were 4/5 of us in the same boat. To invite all of us plus partners would have been a costly addition.

Appreciate it's different with family, but how many cousins are there? If she asks you does she feel she'll have to ask them all plus partners?

LocalHobo · 02/04/2022 17:07

I've had this happen once when the couple were planning a tiny wedding but, because of that, the bride paid for us to go away for the weekend and groom did the same for the stag-do.
What you describe is pretty rude. Did the same happen re male cousins attending stag?

Original poster

Ihaveadoodle · 02/04/2022 17:07

Oh no there was definitely official invitations.. she brought them to a family gathering and handed them in person to aunt's and uncles.

This then led us to assume that we must be going to the evening.

OP posts:

WeCouldBeSpearows · 02/04/2022 17:14

I have an absolute metric ton of cousins, there's no way I would invite them all to my wedding.

BUT a hen do is usually a smaller, more intimate event. Unless the wedding is very very small, it seems very odd to invite someone to the hen do and not the wedding.

Diverseopinions · 02/04/2022 17:30

I think hen dos are a fairly modern invention, and not a good one, when girls are expected to shell out hundreds of pounds for hotels, outfits, meals, etc.
The wedding is the official, important part that you have to mark. I think there is no pressing reason to have a hen, and people maybe do it, and invite a lot, because the expense is borne by invitees, not the happy couple, so it's a way to see people but not to pay for them. But, to me, it's wrong to have them come, make them do all that goodwill stuff, and then bin them off for the big event. Actually, it leaves those who come to both, poorer after the first event and struggling to then find outfit money; gift money; more childcare funding for the big wedding, so hen dos are a total nightmare for those who do or don't come to the main wedding.

Cherrysoup · 02/04/2022 17:51

I’d expect you to have been invited to the wedding if you went to the hen. I thought that was standard?

SevenWaystoLeave · 02/04/2022 18:14

Incredibly rude

JustLyra · 02/04/2022 18:17

That's really rude.

The only time I've ever known that happen it was the friends/family of the bride who organised a Hen knowing they weren't invited. That's the only time it should happen imo.

Akite · 02/04/2022 18:18

It sounds like she was definitely expecting you there though, didn't thta make you think your invite was lost or she'd assumed you knew you were invited?

At our wedding, my DH only realised the day after that he'd forgotten to invite one of his oldest friends! He'd invited him on the stag do but just clean forgot to make sure he was on the invite list for the wedding - it was only afterwards when he'd obviously noticed he wasn't there that he twigged what had happened.

Candleabra · 02/04/2022 18:19

Yes she should.
But I’ve been to two hen dos when I wasn’t invited to the wedding. I didn’t think much of it at the time (hen dos in my 20s were pretty much just a really big night out). But if it happened now (especially now hen dos are more lavish) I’d think it was rude.

Clymene · 02/04/2022 18:19

Of course it's rude. Unbelievably rude. Anyone who says it's fine has no manners.

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