AIBU to keep MIL away from my children

[MILTroubles]

A few years ago, when I was pregnant with my first, my MIL wished our baby dead in anger at my DH over a minor issue. She has a habit of becoming abusive and saying unforgivable things when she doesn't get her own way.
Unfortunately, I ended up going into early labour at 6months with that baby and he passed away in my arms a few shoes hours after his birth.

I've since gone on to have 3 more children and do not want MIL to have anything to do with either myself or the children. However it's causing a huge rift between myself and my DH as he wants his mum to have a relationship with them and I think she's forfeited that right. I personally feel that he's not defending us as his family by fighting me on this.

I have no one in real life to talk to about this, so please be gentle. AIBU?

YANBU. Your children your boundaries. I wouldn't feel comfortable after such a nasty comment either.
Hope you're doing okay since your loss- that must have been unimaginably difficult x

Did your MIL ever actually apologise for that disgusting remark? Would it make a difference if she apologised now? Do your children miss her/wonder why she's not part of their lives?

I think the first thing is to tell your husband you haven't felt supported by him against your mum, and see how you can take things from there. x

Who wishes their own grandchild dead even in the heat of the moment?

I'd certainly never speak to her again or let her anywhere near my children!!

Since you say you've gone on to have 3 more children it seems there's been a significant period of time when she's been seeing the children? What's triggered this now? How is she now, as a grandmother / mother / mother in law?

My kids have never been close to her really so don't ask after her. I did initially let her see them a few times as I'm a people pleaser and wanted to keep the peace but it really affects my mental health and makes me really anxious. She's never apologised.
I've told my husband so many times how I feel about it and he says he understands but obviously the pull for his kids to have a grandparent/child relationship with his mum is too strong. He even in the heat of an argument suggested that we separate just so he can have the kids every other weekend for them to see her. Our relationship is otherwise good and I feel guilt where I probably shouldn't.

Tell your dh it is a real shame only one of you has balls in your marriage...

I honestly feel like he's trying to gain approval all the time from her as he didn't have it growing up, so when she gets upset and starts crying to him about it he takes it out on me and accuses me of playing God with the kids. It's a mess really.

Is there a risk MIL will make nasty comments to the children?

@Duracellbunnywannabe

Is there a risk MIL will make nasty comments to the children?

This is what bothers me the most. What happens when they say or do something she doesn't like? Shes so toxic it's almost like her go to to wish someone dead if they don't do as she says and thats what I'm trying to protect them from as well. She's done it to my DH, my unborn son, so what next?

@MILTroubles

My kids have never been close to her really so don't ask after her. I did initially let her see them a few times as I'm a people pleaser and wanted to keep the peace but it really affects my mental health and makes me really anxious. She's never apologised. I've told my husband so many times how I feel about it and he says he understands but obviously the pull for his kids to have a grandparent/child relationship with his mum is too strong. He even in the heat of an argument suggested that we separate just so he can have the kids every other weekend for them to see her. Our relationship is otherwise good and I feel guilt where I probably shouldn't.

Your relationship is not good if he is happy to chose his mother over you.

I know because i told my DH I couldn't be married to him and have his Mother in my life.

She has been CO for almost 5 years.

Thats an awful comment to make and I don't think I could forgive it. However your DH obviously has and the DCs are as much his as yours. If he wants them to see her then he has every right to take them, you don't have to see her let him do it on his own

And unfortunately you have to decide where your line is.

When I discovered mine there was a calm when I told my husband the above.

Because you can never even put divorce on the table unless you are willing to see it through. And I was.
What that woman had done had destroyed me mentally. And I deserved a life of happiness. If he could not secure me that peace I would have to remove that.

And there was also the understanding that on his time she would see them. But that was out of my control. So not worth worrying over. I would do what I could on my time.

I'm not sure it's fair to say OPs DH is happy to choose his mother over OP. There's clearly a long and unhappy backstory between DH and his mother which it will take a lot of time to untangle himself from.

YANBU to want to keep your children away from a woman who wished her older grandchild dead. She sounds unstable, frankly.

@Lockheart

I'm not sure it's fair to say OPs DH is happy to choose his mother over OP. There's clearly a long and unhappy backstory between DH and his mother which it will take a lot of time to untangle himself from.

And he is the one discussing divorce. He is showing where his loyalty lies.

If he has any issues it his responsibility to untangle the mess he is bringing to the OPs life.

It is sad if children cannot have a relationship with a grandparent, as positive ones bring something extra to a child when growing up and beyond.

There are exceptions, and OP I think this is one. A one-off event could perhaps be forgiven, but this seems consistent behaviour.

I fully get your POV but your DH is also their parent and you can’t control everything. Can you put in some sort of boundaries for how often and where she sees them with your DH present? If you split up over this you will have no control in it at all.

When your children get older they will soon make their own choices on the issue anyway

YANBU.
I'm so sorry for your loss OP, it's heart-breaking. As your MIL has never apologised, you don't have to forgive her. Even if she made a sincere and genuine apology and you could see she was repentant, it would be on her to earn back your trust, but she hasn't, doesn't seem at all inclined to do so after all this time, so that's irrelevant.
Has your DH even spoken to her about that wicked comment, which was a curse IMO? Really, he should have taken her to task about it at the time or shortly afterwards. He should have made it clear to her that ye would not see nor speak to her until she made a sincere apology and promised to watch what she said in future. Wishing anyone dead, never mind an innocent baby is evil IMO and not something that should ever be brushed under the carpet. Your DH's first duty is to you and the DC, not his M. He may well be under the F.O.G.- Fear. Obligation. Guilt.- in which case I feel for him but he is letting you and your poor deceased child down in this matter. I don't know what to advise but to talk to him as calmly as you can about how you can't pretend she never said it, all the more because she's never shown any remorse, how serious it was and that he needs to have a long think about whether someone who could say something so cruel is fit to be around the DC at all. What if she says something as wicked and profoundly hurtful to one of them? Ask him to think about how words can have a lasting and powerful affect on children and if he's willing to risk it. Then let him think.
If he won't, and worse still, if his answer to your genuine and justified concerns is to cry "Divorce" again, all I could suggest is you get legal advice. I feel for you OP, I wouldn't want my DC near anyone so poisonous either and your husband is not doing right by you nor your DC in this matter. All the best.

I can see why you feet his way but the children are your DHs as much as they are yours.

All you can do is talk to him about it. Maybe suggest therapy. You can’t actually decide who he agrees for them to see whiteout legal involvement against her and it’s not likely you’d get it on the grounds you currently have.

My MIL made some stupid remarks when I was pregnant, not on this scale but I had very little to do with her for a good few years as did my husband. In the end I decided to let it go as felt she was just a silly woman who couldn't keep her trap shut at times rather than being really malicious.

In your case however, I would never forgive it. The real problem here is that your husband isn't on the same page and there is obviously a lot of history there. So if your marriage is otherwise good and you want to stay with him then just let him take the kids to see her. As others have said, even if you divorce he will still take them.

It's a very tough situation, I'm sorry.

Thanks everyone.

I think the poster who said it's like a curse is right, as irrational as it may sound that's how it has felt. Not only did I lose my first born but I've never been able to relax in any further pregnancies.

I would hate to divorce over something like this when we are otherwise great, she'd love that and I would have no way to protect my kids around her when he takes them to see her. He wouldn't pull her up on anything she says, he tends to just block it out as he's so used to it and keeps going just to keep the peace.

It's a tough one as you've all said but thank you as I was starting to feel like I was overreacting in how I was feeling.

Staying in a marriage navies you can't trust the father to protect his child is not a happy one.

I did not type navies!
It was "where you"

If you end up divorced they will see her whenever your DH wants

Life's too short and you run the risk of your kids resenting you and your marriage ending

Could you afford to see a couple’s therapist?

I know it sounds odd if your relationship is otherwise good, but it’s worth considering when this one issue could destroy your marriage.

Toxic parents can be an intolerable strain on a relationship, and it’ll probably be impossible for you and your DH to unpack the myriad ways in which you are all negatively affected by his childhood and her continuing influence - especially when he can’t properly see it and is still trying to please her. There’s so much complex emotion involved in even starting these conversations that you may need a trained, impartial person to help you have them constructively.