Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

...to expect that 20 year olds should be thought of as adults?

29 replies

Sarahjct · 07/01/2008 19:11

Hello

No personal axe to grind here but I've just read another thread where people are defending a 20 year old, saying he's not much more than a boy, he's a kid, what do you expect etc.

I'm only 36 so can remember being 20 and, as I remember it, I was treated like, and expected to act like an adult. When did we decide that 20 year olds were still kids and so, could act in whatever way they wanted?

Just wondered

OP posts:
ArmadilloDaMan · 07/01/2008 19:14

some people are grown up at 20

some still aren't at 40.

AprilMeadow · 07/01/2008 19:14

are they not leagally adults when they turn 18.... i would say adult not child

RustyBear · 07/01/2008 19:17

Well, my DS is 20 (last week)and I treat him like an adult in most ways - but I still wouldn't expect him to have as much tact as someone with more experience.

Joash · 07/01/2008 19:17

Depends on the 20 year old.
At 20, I had two children and was on my third house.
As a Youth worker, my 'official' remit was to work within youth club sessions with young people aged 13 to 25!!

lalalonglegs · 07/01/2008 19:18

I think I know the thread you are referring to and, while I agree that 20 years old is adult in many ways, the 20 yr old referred to in the thread couldn't really be expected to behave with the emotional maturity and overweaning sensitivity the OP, his stepmother, demanded. I think you can be forgiven for being a bit self-obsessed at 20, occasionally thoughtless was general consensus.

Curiously on another thread I saw today, all the advice is to another 20 year old - also a stepchild - and most seem to conclude that she needs to grow up.

God, 20 is a difficult age - glad I'm 38.

Desiderata · 07/01/2008 19:19

I've just posted on this thread (in my usual, eloquent style) and I got a pop-up asking me to preview my message. Then I lost my message.

Would any one care to enlighten me?

chocolatespiders · 07/01/2008 19:20

adult...

colditz · 07/01/2008 19:20

I was selfabsorbed and immature at 20. You cannot expect the same degree of emotional maturity and life experience and empathy with other's suffering from a 20 year old as from a 60 year old. It's not reasonable.

SeaShells · 07/01/2008 19:21

At 20yrs old I had no choice but to be an adult, I had a 2yr old DS by then, however, most of my friends at that age were off at university and still living a very self centred lifestyle of fun with no adult responsibilities. I was still rather naive and didn't have a great deal of life experience at 20, I was still rather immature in many ways, I am still only 28 and will probably look back on my current self in the future and think the same.

The thread in question I think refers to the 20yr old as 'a kid' because in comparison to the OP - he still is just a kid and OP should have taken this into account before acting in such a childish manner.

colditz · 07/01/2008 19:22

I expect them to be adult - but I don't expect a great deal of sensitivity, maturity or experience.

For everyone who expects a 20 year old to be as mature as any other adult, would you trust a 20 year old Judge?

There aren't any. For damn good reason.

lulumama · 07/01/2008 19:23

20 is not a child, in terms of years... but as has been said,life experience and maturity counts for a lot... you don;t have the same empathy with others until you have lived a little, not inside the confines of a family where the most you have to do is lay the table or get to uni on time.....I am a very different person now, at 32, to the one i was at 20..and am very glad !!

lennygrrl · 07/01/2008 19:26

Message withdrawn

sazzybeehomeforxmas · 07/01/2008 19:27

Same as colditz. Unless you've been forced to grow up by having kids, most 20 year olds are overgrown teenagers - they think they know a lot more than they actually do and are breathtakingly selfish.

I also think (and this is pertinent to the 2 threads you're referring to particularly) that the relationship between a parent and child never truly moves into the adult/adult dimension. Eventually it flips into that sometimes but the parent/child bit is always underpinning it. Which is why it's so very hard to be a stepchild at whatever age, because you lose that comforting framework of two parents who love you. I think not enough consideration is given to this.

Tutter · 07/01/2008 19:28

good lord i hope so

i have a 20yo nanny/mothers help and she sometimes has sole charge of one or other of my dsses

IsThereAnybodyOutThere · 07/01/2008 19:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Sarahjct · 07/01/2008 19:34

I take your point, Sazzy, about parent/child relationships definitely.

And I also accept that experience plays a big role but it seems that people are willing to excuse inappropriate behaviour on the grounds of age when 10 or 20 years ago it would have been frowned on and anyone over 18 would have been expected to know better.

While not being the spring chicken I once was, I have cousins and in laws who are that age and they are, without exception, well mannered, responsible individuals. They can still be childish, as we all can, but mostly they are responsible for their own lives and if they step out of line, they would get the same reaction as I would, or my mother.

Or am I just hopelessly old fashioned...

OP posts:
SantaBabyBeenAnAwfulGoodGirl · 07/01/2008 19:35

my ds will be 20 in april and he is mature in some respects but mostly quite immature

which is pretty much how i was at that age

thought i knew a lot and had had lots of experiences and was street wise and could talk the talk

but i'm a bit more mature now

well maybe not

WinkyWinkola · 07/01/2008 19:37

At 20, i was infantile. Probably still am.

But I was treated like an adult and I was expected to behave like an adult. I think that helps one grow into an adult.. .. . . .

bookwormmum · 07/01/2008 19:38

20 is legally an adult but I don't think that you can expect the same level of maturity from a 20-yr old as you should be able to expect from a 30 or 40-yr old. Men tend to mature later than women anyway so that's another variable.

Quattrocento · 07/01/2008 19:41

I might've been legally an adult at 20, but I was completely immature, irresponsible and selfish. I hope I've changed. In relation to my mother I still feel as though I am six, though.

SantaBabyBeenAnAwfulGoodGirl · 07/01/2008 19:41

i had a miscarriage 4.5 years ago and didn't even tell anyone except my dp..i can't imagine what i would have expected my children to say..what can you say i spared them

until a few months ago when it came out to the girls

cosima · 07/01/2008 19:42

there are even some adults that read Harry Potter! I mean emotionally retarded or what?

Hassled · 07/01/2008 19:45

I have a 20 year old DS who hasn't really changed since his teenage days - he's probably nicer than he was at 16, and has always been an easy-going placid chap but sill is firmly of the belief that the world revolves around him - despite having 3 younger siblings. He thinks he's an adult, I think he's my little boy - I'm not impartial enough to know who's right. I became pregnant with him at 20 and certainly wasn't an adult then.

bookwormmum · 07/01/2008 19:49

In law 'the reasonable person' is always the same age as the defendant....

LittleBella · 07/01/2008 19:55

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a 20 year old to behave and be considered an adult.

But tbh in the thread to which you are referring, it wasn't the 20 year old's original behaviour which was childish.

I don't expect a 20 year old to display the same judgement and maturity as a 40 year old. Call me ageist. Agree with Colditz, I'd be horrified to see a 20 year old judge. (I'm not all that happy about 16 year old special constables either. [old gimmer])