To feel like I'm being gaslit about my own DC

[BeMyFriend90]

My DC is nearly 3. And to me, his behaviour is extreme. Tantrums all day over nothing. Shouts. Takes off all his clothes. Throws anything and everything.

He's also very loving and funny and so so affectionate. He's got this new obsession with very strange things...the ITV logo, he insists on watching anything with an ITV logo in the corner (we just watched the Corrie Omnibus at 7am rather than cartoons)

When we take him to stuff he's definitely the most challenging toddler in the room. By a mile.

But everyone around me keeps telling me nothing is wrong. My DH gets so annoyed at me and says its just behaviour and we are being weak by not disciplining. Nursery also say he's totally fine - quiet and gets a bit upset sometimes but never naughty. I took him to a speech therapist (it's delayed) and she basically said she couldn't diagnosis him but suspected ASD (she witnessed a meltdown).

My friends and family tell me they can't see anything unusual. Just normal terrible twos

I feel totally done in. I've got a 11 month baby who literally won't leave my side for more than a minute. My toddler seems to think I'm the enemy. I am the main earner in the house. Everyone around me keeps telling me to get support...but how?? I feell like a failure. And am I being horrible to my DS1 for thinking something else is going on. I feel like I'm being gaslit...my DS is hitting me, screaming, not talking and lying on the floor and everyone's like "all normal". Maybe it is all normal and I'm just a shitty mum because I don't know how to handle this

Nope not normal. Your poor ds and poor you. Get in touch with your gp to start the process of diagnosis

I feel for you. My DD is 9. I’ve known since she was tiny that she was probably neuro-diverse. GP said it was “normal” behaviour for a toddler and to bring her back if she didn’t outgrow it. Referred to paeds at 7 but because she masks in school they said she didn’t meet criteria for assessment. School kept saying she was fine there…now we are starting to see that her peers are behaving differently and we have finally had a teacher say “Yes I agree she probably is ND”. She understands and sees the behaviours. We are finally going down the referral route with school and hoping to get somewhere! I should say I’m diagnosed with ASD. I don’t see it as being a bad thing if DD is diagnosed, I just want confirmation so we can get support before she gets to secondary school.

Short term I highly recommend The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. He talks about meeting kids’ needs (whether they are diagnosed or not and regardless of the diagnosis). It helped us see patterns of behaviour, helped us pinpoint the difficulties and turn some things around. I appreciate you’re busy but it’s worth a read. It’s available as an audio book if that’s easier. Our lives are easier because of this book! Also 1, 2, 3 Magic by Thomas Phelan helped when she was younger.
I hope you get the support you need.

No it doesn’t sound normal, the people telling you it is don’t see the full picture, they see a snapshot of your day and think because their little Freddy had a tantrum but got over it yours will too.
You spend more time with him than anyone, possibly even more time than his father does so you see the bigger picture.
Go to your GP and ask for help.

Toddler/pre-school tantrums/meltdowns are normal but your little boy does seem to be at the extreme end of that. Those around you only see a snippet of your lives and so it's easy to dismiss the behaviours they see as normal because they're not getting it day in, day out. For you being his primary carer and main source of emotional safety (thus the one that gets the worst of the behaviour to manage!) it's a completely different situation. Nursery should also understand that children are able to mask and just because his needs are not visible in their setting, that doesn't mean they don't exist.

Your DH mentions discipline. Obviously you can't discipline a child out of having additional needs but are you consistent and firm with boundaries? That is extremely important whether or not he has additional needs.

Are you still seeing the speech therapist? If they suspect ASD ask if they can get the ball rolling. If not see your GP and share your concerns.

His behaviour sounds extreme.

But many neurodiverse children behave differently at nursery which is maybe why they don't see an issue.

The advice about ASD above is good but why are you on your own with everything? Where is your DH in this? He needs to help.

Friends and family will often try and make you feel better by downplaying concerns in my experience but all that happens is you feel invalidated and unheard / unsupported.

Also sometimes people (husband in this scenario) can be in denial.

Professionals will not see the whole scenario, particularly if the child manages to hold it together for short periods of time.

Frustrating but maybe keep talking here?

My 15 year-old son was exactly like yours at that age. I was saying there was something not right at 8 months and then I suspected asd from 2 years old. All the professionals were saying he wasn't and then when he was 4 we gave up and just read all the books on asd and accepted that we wouldn't be believed. Until his year 4 teacher took us aside and asked if we had considered asd. We went through the assessment again and everyone said it was extremely obvious he had it. He was diagnosed aged 9.

My DD12 was like this. She has ADHD and ASD.

Ignore family advice and speak to your GP.

Is DH actually supporting you or just expecting you to get on with it.

Where is he when these tantrums from toddler are happening and 11mo is stuck to you?

Hi OP

I would ring the HV. His behaviour, your concerns, the speech delay, and the speech therapists observations all need to be discussed together. One of those on their own wouldn't be concerning but all together they do need to listen to you. Its normal for kids to mask at school or nursery. I'd start there, as the 2 year assessment asks questions designed to pick this up. Has he had that assessment? If so it might be worth revisiting the questions now

You know it isn't normal. Take him to the gp and start the process. If he doesn't have and he won't be diagnosed so it won't do him any harm. People are probably trying to reassure or don't want to face it.

Another one who says mum knows best and professionals are only seeing a small snippet of what is happening. It is why you got on so well at the speech therapist after the meltdown

Sorry op you must be fed up seeing what others don't!

So the people with no knowledge or experience say he’s fine.

The professional with lots of knowledge and experience says possible ASD.

You as the person who knows him best feels there’s something going on.

I definitely wouldn’t ignore the professional in this scenario. Go to the GP, tell them what the SLT said and ask for a referral for assessment.

I agree with others who said speak to HV or GP. Something that helped me was to write everything down into clear, concise bullet points and include examples of behaviours that concern you and be clear that these are ongoing rather than a 'one time 8 months ago kind of thing.

I suspected autism with my eldest when he was around 4. His eyfs teacher scoffed at me but said she'd ask the senco to meet me. The senco suggested I was neurotic. It wasn't until y2 that I went to my gp with a list, he referred onto the asd pathway, 2 year waiting list and finally a diagnosis.

Your DS behaviour does not sound typical and does sound concerning. Please ask your GP how you can proceed with an ASD assessment.

I think family members, including parents, often say that behaviour is “normal” because they don’t want to accept that there may be a problem or because they think it will upset the parent expressing concerns.

Have a look at early help - I've never had dealings with them personally but from what I understand, they're there to advise and support before things get too bad. If they see the behaviours you see, I think they can get other agencies involved.

I knew when my eldest was about 8 months old. I asked over and over throughout the years and was repeatedly told he was NT.

He was formally diagnosed last year aged 11. I felt vindicated.

Have a look at pathological demand avoidance.

www.pdasociety.org.uk/what-is-pda-menu/diagnosing-pda/

You know your child best! Speak to gp about it and see if you can start with getting referrals.
Children can be good at masking so he might not display those behaviours in nursery. I’ve worked with lots of children who are little angels but totally different for parents. Would you consider filming him one time to show to gp?
I think your dh should be supporting you more but he’s just listening to others!

You need to see this.

No, it's not normal OP, and I'll bet you're doing a great job even if it feels like you're drowning right now. Buckets and buckets of love and support from us all here I'm sure. You may have to park the obvious issues with lack of support from family atm so you can focus on getting the help from outside agencies you and your DS might need. Family can just have catch up later.
Reading everyone's replies tho', makes me so bloody cross at the world!!! So many of us in the best possible position to know, sensible, clever, informed patents, routinely ignored and scoffed at.

I wish health professionals would actually listen to mums and parents more it would save a whole lot of heart ache and stress in the long term. We know our children inside out and have a gut instinct when things are not right. Even little things and not on the same scale but when I went to pick up DD at primary, she would appear all smiling and happy but I would know instantly that something was up but that she did not want to divulge in front of other people at the school gate. My DH just would not see the same thing.

Definitely speak to your health visitor op about this. I'd been thinking there was something since DS was around 10 months then the speech therapist said exactly the same about him after observing some of his behaviours. We've since seen the paediatrician and have been referred on to the asd pathway, still waiting for the next appointment though.

You know him better than anyone so your opinion is the most valid.

I agree with the posters who say find coping strategies for being consistent and setting out what is expected of him that are appropriate whether it's ASD or not and keep a watching brief.

While he's this size it doesn't make a huge difference in terms of how you go about dealing with the day to day (well to him anyway, perhaps more for you in feeling like you are doing something wrong, which you're not for what it's worth)

But make sure you log concerns with hv, gp and school so that if it does become more likely it's ASD you have a record and paper trail to push for a referral.

I suspect Covid is blurring a lot of boundaries for children this age. They missed important stages of socialising so it could be that the speech and behaviour is more connected to this (and a slightly more challenging personality) or it could be more.
Perhaps just useful to be mindful of as a reason for feeling so dismissed